From the Inside Looking Out

Posted by Jenny Whitcomb | September 23, 2009 | 31 Comments

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I never thought about it happening on a play date. My new-found friend and I had spent a delightful day making bread, mixing soup and baking cookies. While the kids played happily, we talked about art, literature, church, friends and living providently while we swapped funny stories and checked on the kids. We talked about our families. Genetic traits. Birth order. Age.

We were sitting on my friend’s playroom floor picking up toys while our boys played together; her second son, my last, when I noticed the briefest of pauses. She said “You’re 44?” And like a jolt it occurred to me that a twelve year age difference could be a big deal.

With her, I knew it wasn’t. She said (in a way that made me feel like an icon) “I hope I look like you when I’m 44.” So what if I felt a little older. My outer shell was creeping past my inner self. The realization hit, and it sat in my gut for a few days. But she had seemed surprised when she inquired, so maybe it wasn’t as blatant as I thought. Should I be making reservations with AARP or could I still feel comfortable with friends more than a decade younger than me? She said she wanted to use me as a leg model in her newest series of paintings. I made a sarcastic remark about middle aged legs, but I felt hope.

I have often thought about what age people are on the inside. I’ve talked about it, blogged about it and wondered if aging really matters. I have a good friend near 80 who drives herself across country twice a year. She loves the freedom, the scenery, her music and being able to really enjoy the journey. I think of her, and strive to enjoy my journey now. She is the best at finding really cool places to visit. She’ll tell me, with a sparkle in her eye that she wants to take me on a field trip. When I’m with her, she makes me feel like the most important person in her life. I know I’m not, but I love her gift of making people feel of worth. I wish she lived closer.

As I reflect on my friendships, whether I’m the older or younger in the pairing, I wonder if I make the other person feel as important, or if I’m still leeching because I need to feel validation.

Growing up I felt worlds apart in age from my parents. They were too old to be in touch with my generation. I remember staring at my mom’s hands in church and thinking they looked so old. I love that memory now because I know what I saw was evidence of years of hard work.

When my own daughter rubs my softer, wrinkling skin in church I feel contentment and don’t worry that she finds my older skin strange or unattractive. She also takes pleasure in plucking the gray hairs from my head. I tease her and tell her I’ve earned them. I want her to know that I’m okay with aging physically, but I long to make her understand that my inner self isn’t too far removed to be able to relate to where she’s at in life.

I love that the relationship with my parents has morphed into more of a feeling of being on the same team. We’re working towards the same goal, and they’ve had a few years to gain some valuable experience and important resources I can draw from.

So here’s the thing: I can hang out with my 80 year old friend and feel like her peer, and I can spend the day with my 32 year old friend and see no age discrepancy. When my husband tells me I’m exhibiting a trait that reminds him of my mother, I tip my head back and smile. Inside I’m laughing. A blip in time makes a difference. I like who I am despite the fact that the inside doesn’t always match what’s on the outside.

I’m planning on living a long and happy life. I hope I can make people feel of value along the way. So bring it on, aging crust! The soft bread-y part of me will probably never mature much past 34.

Does age affect how you think about or act around people? Do you act differently to accommodate a more mature or younger audience? Does feeling older than someone invoke negative emotion(now that you’re not a teenager)? How old are you on the inside?

Comments

31 Responses to “From the Inside Looking Out”

Becky Orton
September 23rd, 2009 @ 7:12 am

I LOVE being 35…it’s probably my most favorite age ever. (although I probably feel more 25) I hope I continue to feel this way each year as I grow a little older. I’ve thought about this topic a lot and I find it interesting that most of my peer group is 45-50. I often wonder if it’s because my sisters are closer to that age, two women that I admire and love. This was a great thought-provoking post…and very well written.
Ellen
September 23rd, 2009 @ 7:21 am

Don’t get too excited about joining AARP. I don’t think you get the movie discounts until 65!
dalene
September 23rd, 2009 @ 7:56 am

Despite what you see on my outside, on the inside I am still all of the ages I have been. Sometimes I think it’s difficult for my twenty-something co-workers to imagine that because they just see the middle-aged woman who happens to work with them. But I remember being 14 and 24 and 34 and even 44, so I feel like I am all of those ages at the same time.
Stacey
September 23rd, 2009 @ 7:59 am

I was thinking about age on Sunday as I stood in the hall with my infant. I was watching a young first-time mom and I wondered to myself if I looked that young when I had my first. Age is so different once you move into the realm of being married and having children. I’m 32 and I get the occasional, “you don’t look old enough to have six kids.” I always love those people. On the one hand, I know I’m old enough. On the other hand there are days that I don’t feel old enough to have a fifth grader. ‘Those’ moms are old, right? The hard part is realizing that I am one of ‘those’ moms.

I too have friends of various ages. I have many friends who have recently turned 40. I am realizing it’s not that far away for me! I also have friends in their 60′s. I no longer think they are old, but I value their experience and maturity. I love having friends of all ages and I love that I am past the stage of life where it’s weird if your friends are a lot older!
Patti
September 23rd, 2009 @ 8:21 am

I love the notion of this . . . this is one of the things about the Gospel that I love . . . age is never an issue (or a boundary) when you have the same foundation. I’m in my 50′s and have so many friends in my 30′s and even 20′s. Older friends, too. Love really transcends age.
wendy
September 23rd, 2009 @ 8:24 am

With a nearly-two-year-old at 41, most of the friends I hang out with are in the 25-30 age range. I am only vaguely aware of the differences, and they tend to be surprised when they find out how old I am–whew! When I hang out with friends my age and older (into their 70′s), it feels similar, the only exception being their kids are older and we have that added benefit/closeness of knowing each other a long time. I’m grateful that age isn’t a defining characteristic of my friendships. I don’t think I act any older or younger around either crowd. I don’t think.

I would say I feel my age because I’m such a different person than when I was 18 or 26 or 33. But . . . I would say that 41 feels much younger than I imagined it would feel when I was a kid!
Brenda
September 23rd, 2009 @ 8:31 am

I’m forever 28. Even when I dream, I’m 28. I could have a dream where I’m in college thinking, “what am I doing here? I’m 28!” Then I wake up and realize that I’m 39. When did that happen? I’m not nearly mature enough to be 39!

As far as friendships go, the older I get the less age differences bother me. I have friends of all ages and I love it.
heathermommy
September 23rd, 2009 @ 8:59 am

I have to admit I am a lot more comfortable being friends with people that are a lot older than me than people who are a lot younger. I think that is because I am still self conscious about my age. I fel embarrased when I am asked and I don’t want to answer. I hate that I feel old at 34.
corktree
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:16 am

I must have had some strange experiences because I don’t like to admit my age for fear of being viewed as too young. I’m really not, but the people that I’m friends with are generally older and I’m more comfortable with them for whatever reason.

A few years back, another woman in my group of friends made me feel young and childish in a group discussion when my age was revealed. She acted as though I couldn’t possibly have sufficient experience to relate to. I found out later that she was only a year older than I, whereas the rest of the women were about 4-5 years older. It seemed as though she made a fuss to hide her own insecurities about her age, but the experience stuck with me. I dislike it when friendly discussions turn to age inquiries because I don’t think it should matter. It feels like it only serves to add an element of judgment that is irrelevant. I have always felt older than my age and would rather people assess me on my other attributes and amount of experience.

Sometimes I wonder at what age I will feel old enough. I don’t like the feeling of needing to present myself as older to the world to validate my knowledge and opinions.
Zina
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:43 am

44 doesn’t seem old to me at all, and 32 doesn’t seem particularly young–probably because I’m right in the middle. I don’t have any problem about turning 40 in a couple of years, BUT, a few months ago I realized that also means I’ll turn 50 in just a little over a decade, which is hardly any time at all, and I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that. I remember my grandparents being 50 and I just didn’t see them as being as youthful as I hope to feel in a few years.

I remember President Hinckley saying that we don’t have generation gaps in the Church because of the love and compassion that exists between the generations, and I thought that was a lovely sentiment and I agreed with it–which doesn’t mean I can quite bring myself to like some of the ugly clothes the whippersnappers are wearing these days, or that I’ll ever have 750 friends on Facebook like my 20-something youngest brother does.
Zina
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:44 am

(Make that 850 friends–I just checked.)
Merry Michelle
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:47 am

I loved Dalene’s comment. I saw an amazing play in London; “Mill on the Floss”, where as the character aged her younger selves followed her around on stage and reacted as much as the “present age” character reacted. It was a lovely physical representation of what is inside all of us.

And Corktree, I’m with you!

My husband is 11 years older than me, and I’m used to being bundled into his age group. It’s flattering to me. But sometimes when people find out my age (33), they take me less seriously and I get comments like; “Oh! You’re just a baby!”. I didn’t like being called a baby at 4 or 5, and I STILL don’t like it. It presupposes that the passing of time is the only requirement for experience and maturity.

I remember reading a talk by Elder Maxwell where he said that time is a measurement of this world and is not an eternal principle (otherwise, he joked, we wouldn’t need to wear watches). I like that. I think wisdom and knowledge can be there for those who seek after them regardless of age.
wendy
September 23rd, 2009 @ 11:47 am

I don’t think anybody has included this quote yet. I heard it from Elder De Jagar in 1993, but he was apparently quoting Elder Haight from 1983, Nov. Conference:

“Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals, their faith. There is always the love of wonder, a childlike appetite for what is next, and the joy of your life. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear or despair.

“In the center of our heart is a recording chamber, and so long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, courage, and faith, so long are we young.”

When I heard that quote, it had been a particularly rough year and realized I felt older than I was. It made quite an impression. I still find myself reflecting on it every so often.

Great post, by the way!
Liz C
September 23rd, 2009 @ 12:09 pm

My husband is eight years older than I am, and I have a feeling there are a lot of people who assume we’re the same age–so I look pretty darn good for 43. I’ve been teaching workshops with a high proportion of older adults (50+) in them since I was 27, and I can tell you, I was so happy to turn 30! I figured out really quickly that very few people would take me seriously in my expertise if I was “mid-20s”–so I started saying I was “near 30″ several years before I got there. Turning 30 was a vast relief! Finally, my exterior was catching up with my interior!

One thing I find interesting about my interactions within the church is how my family spacing has thrown me into an odd category; I have a child in Young Womens, a child in Senior Primary, a child in Junior Primary, and one in Nursery. My potential pool for interactions with other moms spans a good 30 years of ages! I enjoy all the stages, and it’s fun to be the 23yo me with some of the younger moms, or anticipate the 45yo me with some of the older moms.

It will be extremely fascinating at the Resurrection, to see how old I am in my “Eternal Prime”–I have a feeling I’ll be about 25-35, but who knows? I’m enjoying adding birthdays so much that I might find my prime years are 70-80.

I do think that living by the Gospel’s principles tends to break down perceived barriers due to age… if we’re living with a Christ-like outlook, we have a compassionate empathy with others, no matter their life-stage, so our interactions deepen and expand.
Kay
September 23rd, 2009 @ 12:42 pm

I am 44 and still wonder how it happened. I feel different according to the day but never 44. Most often I am around early 30′s I think, or in my twenties with girl friends from that era. I am certainly not above 35 in my heart no matter what is going on. I have a wonderful group of friends of varying ages. They probably average out around 40 in age, however 2 of my closest are 28 and 50 respectively. The older I get the less age matters. The person is what really counts and the connection you make with them. What I miss most from my younger days is the ever present energy, I could keep going for hours. Now I am in bed early and not wanting to get up in the morning, no more burning the candle at both ends for me. I too am curious to know what my eternal prime will be.
lea
September 23rd, 2009 @ 1:16 pm

For years I could not wait to be 30. I had four children in four years and I cringed when others found out my age. I was always to young to have so many children, blah, blah, blah. Not to mention I married the baby of my husband’s family. He is almost forty and has never recieved the respect of a grown man. For years his family (his mother) frowned upon any of our grown up decisions. We always made very mature church aligned decisions so i am not sure why she was so negative. The irony, he and I are very succesful and are very happy with where we are. I love being in my late thirties. I have no fears of aging and welcome each new year.
annegb
September 23rd, 2009 @ 1:37 pm

I’m almost 59 and every once in awhile it hits me that I’m on the same maturity level as my 28 year old boss; well, actually, I think she’s more mature than I am. It strikes me funny and I think I should be ashamed of myself. I do the most immature things sometimes. The bosses at my job (calling center for ATT) are all younger than I; one time, I got so upset at a 24 year old boss that I cried and didn’t speak to him for 3 weeks. He missed me during that time LOL.

I’ve always wanted to be a grownup. I remember thinking that when I turned 21, I would be officially grown up. But I didn’t feel very grown up. Then 30—that had to be the magic age. Nope. Now, almost 60 and in many still the immature crass teenager I was at 15. Disconcerting at times. I hope that age will help me to accept the fact that I’m childish and stupid a lot of the time.

But, like you, I have peers of all ages. And I feel younger than almost all of them. Well, now that I’ve written it, I’m embarrassed. I think I’ll try to behave in a dignified fashion at work today. I will not drool over the Robert Downey Jr. look-a-like; nor will I jump in on the gossip, nor will I use a bad word.

Seriously, though, a lot of people grow old without growing up. I am one of those people and really it’s not all it’s cracked up to be a lot of the time because people get very disappointed in you.
Jen
September 23rd, 2009 @ 3:47 pm

I was 40 on the inside when I was a little girl, and I am now approaching 60 in my late 20s. I joined the quilt guild a few years ago and will be the president next year. I have often felt the same age in spirit as my favorite grandmother. Age is relative, I believe.
lee
September 23rd, 2009 @ 4:27 pm

Here is why I am OLD at 36. Because my OBGYN, my pediatrician, my kids teachers and my STAKE PRESIDENT are all YOUNGER than ME!!! AHHHHH!
Selwyn
September 23rd, 2009 @ 4:27 pm

Age isn’t an issue at all for me. I can never remember my age – I always have to do the math. The last time I tried to work it out I got it wrong!

The only times age has been an issue was when different women stopped being my friends, saying “because I didn’t realise how old – how YOUNG – you were”. I really don’t understand it, as everything had been great before they found out the number.

I think the only difference I make for the ‘audience’ of people around is changing my vocab accordingly – more formal, more slang etc. And trying to not be so physically enthusiastic with the more physically mature (I wouldn’t want to break anything).

My age on the inside ranges from 3 years old to 6000, depending on the day, moment and situation.
JM
September 23rd, 2009 @ 4:54 pm

I’ve always enjoyed friendships with people of all different ages. It has never really mattered much whether they were much older or younger than me. We always seem to find our common ground.

I have often wondered when I was going to FEEL older. I physically feel it, but I feel like the same person I’ve always been on the inside. When would I feel ‘grown up’? I’m married, I have kids, my oldest is passing the sacrament, and I have found myself as an auxiliary president twice. All signs of being grown up. But I didn’t feel it.

Well, I felt it the other day in the grocery store, in the oddest way. I was picking out some romaine and looked down the aisle as I headed for the broccoli. There was an older man (older than me, probably mid-50s or so) there and I found myself thinking, “well, he’s attractive!” which was quickly followed by a silent gasp and the thought, “but he’s OLD!” That was it. The moment I knew I am older and felt my age. You know what? I’m great with it. I came home and really looked at my husband and realized that he’s older, too. I think he’s pretty hot, and I am glad we’re growing old together. What a blessing.

If I could only get my YW to understand the blessings of inter-age friendships. Oh well, I suppose they will learn it on their own when they are thrust out into the world that is decidedly not high school.
Laura
September 23rd, 2009 @ 6:59 pm

SUCH a great post!!!
I swear I’m 22.
I like myself on the inside better now, but I still feel young. I will see “young” kids working at the bank and I think to myself “why are these teenagers allowed to work in the bank” and then I realize, those young whippersnappers are the same age I was when I was married. It’s all relative.
Funny you would mention your moms hands. I use to stare at my moms hands too…I always loved her hands, thought they were so pretty. I still do.
Melissa M.
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:02 pm

What a well-written post! I feel like I am 27, for some reason. In my dreams I am always 27, as well. And I’m turning 49 (49!) in a month. I cannot fathom it. I feel the same on the inside as I did when I was in my 20′s. I expect I will still feel like I’m 27 when I am 80.
Melissa M.
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

What I meant was, inside I will feel like I am 27 when I am 80. I’m sure my arthritic body will feel like it’s 80.
Shirley
September 23rd, 2009 @ 9:22 pm

Great post, Jen. I can’t believe that I just turned 72. Didn’t I just graduate from high school? We’re having our 55th reunion in 2010 and have a first planning meeting in October. I don’t feel any older and continue to be very busy with my activities. I was at the Clinic on Monday with Uncle D and ran in to some coworkers I haven’t seen in a long time. “Hey, Shirley, you look fantastic!! Retirement agrees with you! You never change!!” Sometimes the bones creak, but with a little loosening, things turn out o.k. I still get up on step ladders to scrub down walls, wash windows, hang curtains. I’m VERY CAREFUL, though. My Dad lived to be 92, and I hope I have his genes and also remain healthy and able to continue to be an active individual. Every day is a gift. I also have a very dear friend who is 89, and we have lunch every Wednesday. After lunch, we sit and talk and knit. Love every minute of it. Even have a friend who is 104 but is now in a nursing home. Friends come in every age and different packages, and from them we learn wonderful lessons about life.
Kristin
September 23rd, 2009 @ 11:28 pm

JM–LOVED your grocery store experience.

I remember when missionaries looked old. Then my age, and now young. I remember when the Tabernacle Choir looked ancient. Am I really that much older or did they lower the age requirement?

I think after a certain age you make most of your friendships with others at the same stage of life. If you are working and single, you develop more friendships with others like you, regardless of age. If you are married without children, or have children at certain ages, most of your friends will probably be like you too, again regardless of age.

I have elementary school-aged children (and preschoolers and a toddler). Most of my older daughters’ friends’ parents are about 40, with the oldest being 47, and the youngest being 28. I am 31, and with the exception of my friend the 28 year-old, I am pretty much always the youngest. People assume I am older because the five children throw them off.

I didn’t realize that I had somehow developed a bit of pride about being the young mom until the 28 year-old moved into the neighborhood and became my closest friend. She has two less children than I do, but I am no longer the youngest anymore and I was quite surprised by how much that bothered me. Silly. I think I’m over it now.

Interesting topic.
Kristin
September 23rd, 2009 @ 11:29 pm

PS This isn’t to say that I don’t value my friendships with those who aren’t at my stage of life. I do have single friends, friends married without children, and empty nester friends too. I just don’t seem to see these other friends as often.
sar
September 24th, 2009 @ 9:40 am

I agree with you, Kristin, that you usually make friends with the people who are in the same stage of life as you. However, I’ve found in my last couple of wards, I’ve made more friends with the empty nesters than with the other young married women without children.
m&m
September 24th, 2009 @ 3:42 pm

I think age is weird, because we have perceptions of what it must mean to be older when we are younger. Then we get to that point and realize we had no idea. I used to think I would have things figured out more than I do, and that reality jolts me quite a bit. It’s humbling to realize that time is so limited, that my spirit is not aging like my body is, and that I will continue to be weak and mortal even when I’m 80.

I think chronic illness has made aging harder, too…because my ‘good years’ were so few, relatively. I sometimes think — 40 more years of THIS? It has helped me realize that this body is just a shell right now – as important as that shell is — and what matters most is what is happening to my spirit. My body, my age — these are not who I really AM.
priscilla
September 24th, 2009 @ 6:15 pm

Those hands looked even older this week when I was finished peeling a bushel of apples…Am always grateful for anything which I can do.
TOday I was bopping down a set of stairs in the Temple…what I really wanted to do was take a nap.
5 am every day comes early for these old bones.
I love you.
mom
Whitney Johnson
September 25th, 2009 @ 9:50 pm

Hmmm. Hmmm. I wish I were feeling as sanguine about aging as you are. I wonder if it makes a difference how our mothers felt/feel about aging? Nice post Jenny.