What would the picture of true charity and knit hearts look like? Would we share *everything*? Somehow I doubt it. But I do think we would fear less, forgive more, mourn together more, and hold back less for the sake of trying to manage others’ impressions of us (which I suspect most of us do at some level or another).

But I will say that without question, the wards that have been the strongest in my life have been those where people are willing to be vulnerable and to talk about their struggles openly enough that we see past simple Sunday School answers to understand why and how the gospel matters. I know that people haven’t shared every last detail, but they have talked about difficult subjects (death, depression, singleness, heath issues, even sometimes family struggles (with care)) with some level of candidness.

(I think I’m rambling.)

The counsel I received was to ask my VT/HT for the help I was talking to him about. Especially since church meetings provide so little opportunity to really connect, these are, imo, the programs that could bring more love/compassion/service/connection to the Church.

I do agree there are things that shouldn’t be shared outside the family. There needs to be trust between all members that some things discussed there won’t be discussed with others. As many have mentioned this can involve things that need repentance. This can also mean just simply going down the road of being over-critical. It’s a fine line. Because it is nice to know that others have problems like yours, but sometimes the problems seem smaller if you aren’t looking at them so often.

I would also say that there are two main reasons I don’t share. And it is the fear of being judged and gossip. There is more than one way people are judged. If your trial is or has been difficult then you’re almost held to a higher standard. OR people don’t talk to you as readily because they judge their life against yours. So I don’t speak in specifics most of the time. I don’t tell people what experiences may have given me the testimony that I have. Of course, what sometimes happens then is that they suppose I’ve never faced anything difficult. You just can’t win – at least when judging is involved.

And if people gossip about me specifically I’ve never heard the result. I do know others are gossiped about. I know it can be detrimental no matter what the intent when it starts. I think the hardest part for me is that I can be drawn in to the conversation. It’s a weakness that I know exists. I have worked hard the past few years to NOT participate in those types of conversations and how to turn them around. It isn’t always easy. But knowing who has that problem as well, makes me less likely to talk with them or around them about my problems.

Lastly, I do think it’s interesting that those in leadership callings seem to either be set on a pedestal – or feel as if they are. I was in a leadership calling and my husband is in a leadership calling. When things are going well in our family we know it’s noticed because we hear about that. When I was released without being given another calling right away I know people wondered why – because I was asked, “So, are they giving you a break?” “Why were you released?” “What do you think you’re next calling will be?”

Maybe if I had told them all the things coming up for our family they would have realized what I knew months before and not asked…. but it felt like they were looking for what was wrong that would prompt me to be released.

And I can’t put my name on this – because I love all of them. And this post is critical and feels like gossip. So is the problem really with me?

Zina, I think this is a really important point.

I hate to say it, because I think the programs are often just not lived out the way they should be, but I had an amazing talk with one of my leaders today, where he encouraged me in my need to ask for the specific help/support I was talking to him about. Once again, I was reminded that a) we need to help each other help us (it’s so hard to ask, though, but I’m gonna do it because I NEED it (and I think they will be happy to help) and b) we really need to find ways to do more than just visit once a month…to really get to know those we visit and help create a situation where the people we visit can feel more comfy asking for help.

I don’t know about you, but I get pretty excited when I get that visit done every month. But this has made me realize that I need to do more, care more, ask more, pray for them more, be there more, or at least be more available, more deliberate about letting my sisters know I care.

Also it’s not just that I can *think* of situations where I wouldn’t or couldn’t share, but that I’ve been in those situations.

I am often very about things such as health issues, frustrations with my (young) kids, etc., and I feel like I often get really great support because I’m such an, um, whiner. But I can think of situations where I wouldn’t feel free to share. Sometimes our griefs involve others whose privacy we’re not free to expose, for various reasons. Broadly speaking I don’t believe in keeping family secrets in a dysfunctional way, but sharing information that involves others can have very unwished-for consequences — for example if someone is on the road to repentance, they could have people form prejudices about them that may be very hard to shake even when they’ve completely changed, etc. When it comes to marriage difficulties it can be very helpful to others when we’re open to an extent — I mean it’s nice to know you’re not the only woman whose husband ever annoys her, etc. — but it’s a very fine line between that kind of sharing and the kind that’s more of ranting or dumping, or that further violates eroding marital trust. It’s all quite tricky, and there’s not really a pat answer that we should all share everything all the time NOR that we should keep everything to ourselves. I *have* occasionally gotten to experience church meetings that felt very safe and involved real sharing and comfort, and it’s a lovely thing when it happens — but I also agree it’s rare. Our meetings are so short, and our agendas can be so rushed. This whole conversation has made me think, too, about what I could do to let the sisters I visit teach feel more free to be more open with me and my companion.

Anyway, as I said, this has been an interesting read and I’ve enjoyed everyone’s thoughts.

I know in my head, though, that if I stay here in this place, I will only create more pain for myself within, and perhaps even unrealistic expectations that set me up for more disappointment. At some point, I have to forgive. And be willing to try again.

Working on it….)

Just a couple of thoughts….

For those of us who have been let down, even hurt, by taking risks and opening up (I am experiencing a little of that myself right now), I think it’s important, when we are able, to take a step back and consider that not everyone will violate trust, and not everyone will hurt us.

I realize there is no pat formula, and it’s not so easy as saying, “Just risk and everything will be ok.” Sometimes, depending on where we are, boundaries and privacy can play a role in healing. But ultimately, if we choose silence out of fear or anger, we can end up being part of the problem.

Sometimes people do dumb or even wrong things not necessarily with malicious intent…and maybe out of their own place of pain, insecurity, etc. It’s all a little crazy that we end up being each other’s guinea pigs on how to be more Christlike, but it’s true, all around.

I think, too, that sometimes we have to help people know how to help us. I don’t know about you, but there are times when I have expected that the only way a prayer could be answered through someone else is for that person to read my mind or just show up on my doorstep having had my name pop into their heads.

In reality, however, sometimes moments of strength have actually come when I have initiated the process. I tend to think (hope) that people more often than not WANT to help, but just may not know how. Or they may feel afraid of doing the wrong things.

Ah, fear. It’s such a common emotion, isn’t it?