This scripture has always bothered me. It brings to my mind the image of a parent disciplining his child and saying, “This is for your own good! Someday you’ll thank me for this!” I thought of Joseph, alone, cold, starving in jail, missing his wife and his children, pleading to the Lord for the welfare of his people, and the Lord basically saying, “Don’t worry, you’ll get experience for this. It’s good for you.”
I have blogged about my experiences with my disabled son, E; I often have people tell me how much they admire my strength in the face of these experiences. I have learned to politely thank them, but inside I’m screaming, “I would rather not have this experience! I would rather not be strong! I would rather have a normal, healthy child and be weak and inexperienced!!!”
That is, until a couple of weeks ago…
Sunday morning, my youngest son Z, who is 18 months old, was playing in our family room, and fell off the couch. He didn’t hurt himself badly, as he has fallen off the couch many times before, but for some reason this time was different – he went into one of those long wind-up screams, choked a little bit, and then started having a seizure.
I immediately recognized what was happening, told my husband to call 911, whipped the oxygen cannula off of E and put it on Z, as he was now turning blue. The seizure seemed to last forever, but was probably less than a minute, and he passed out limp in my arms.
The paramedics arrived, checked him out, found all his vitals to be normal, and loaded him into the ambulance. My husband called for a friend in the ward who was a nurse and had cared for E in the past to come and be with him so that he could follow us to the hospital. In the ambulance, the paramedic asked me which hospital I wanted to go to, and I told him our “regular” hospital where I knew E’s doctors and nurses were and where we have literally spent months with him. The paramedic told me that they usually take kids to the local hospital that specializes in pediatrics, but I insisted.
We got to the ER, met several nurses we knew, they checked out Z, took some blood, and the Doctor ordered a CT scan. The CT scan was clear, and they decided to admit him overnight for an EEG and observation. We talked to E’s doctor, who was familiar with our family and our situation, and assured us that Z probably had “benign childhood epilepsy” and this was an isolated incident. The next morning, the neurologist checked the EEG, and both doctors agreed that most likely nothing was wrong at all - the seizure probably arose from Z holding his breath during the scream after he fell. Whew!
After all of that, I realized how grateful I was for the experiences I had with E. A few reasons:
* I had seen literally thousands of seizures before with E, and I knew exactly what type of seizure it was and was able to tell the doctor to help him make a diagnosis.
* We had a child who currently receives oxygen for most of the day, and were able to use it to give it to the child who was having the seizure and needed the oxygen.
* I knew exactly which hospital I wanted to go to because I knew the doctors and nurses at that hospital and I was confident that they would give my son the best care. Indeed, the doctors and nurses there were wonderful, and it was comforting to see familiar faces (though they were surprised to see Z and not E). I knew the doctor, and he knew me and my family. He has always been honest and upfront with us about E’s care, and I trusted him completely with Z’s care.
* The floor in the hospital was one that I have spent months on – before a remodel, it was the PICU, and I was only a few feet away from where I had spent nearly a month with E when he was a baby. I knew where the bathrooms were, where the play room was, and how to get to the cafeteria. (By the way, this hospital has the BEST cookies!)
* I had seen several CT scans before – in fact, I had been in the very same CT suite only a few months earlier with E. I know what the doctors are looking for when they do a CT scan, and when I found out that the CT was clear, it meant Z didn’t have a brain tumor, a lesion, or any bleeding in his brain, and I was relieved of a huge worry.
* I had seen dozens of EEGs before and I knew exactly what to expect as they were attaching the wires to Z’s head and started the scan. I knew that if the EEG showed seizures, we could handle having a child with epilepsy, because we already have a child who is on 3 different seizure medications, and we have a good neurologist that I trust.
Thankfully everything was normal with Z. I still would trade all of this experience in a heartbeat for a normal, healthy child, but I was so grateful to have had the experience that I did – it made what could have been a terrifying situation bearable because I had been through it before.
So, of course, the Lord was right – we will have to pass through sorrow and struggles in this crucible of life, but the things we go through will give us experience. We may not have to rely on our experience immediately, as I did with my son a few weeks ago, but at some time we will use the things we go through for our good.
Have you had difficult life experiences that have helped you later in life? How have they helped you? How have they helped others?
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My mother struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder and committed suicide when I was seventeen. Going through this has really helped me put other more trivial trials into perspective. I know that I can survive awful things. I wish that I didn’t have to, but I can.
Wow! I love this post. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad Z is alright. Sometimes going through our personal trials really helps us act as angels in other peoples struggles. There have been many who have helped me because they know what I am going through — they ahve been there. Your story is touching.
I think back on the trials I have had in my own life and wonder which ones will give me the experience I need in the future. I feel very strongly that when I have children who are struggling with the same things I struggled with, that I will be blessed by that experience and know how to help and guide them.
My mom broke her back when I was 16 and had permanent nerve damage and was bed-ridden for three years. She was dependent on her pain meds for five years until she got what is called a spinal cord stimulator to alleviate some of her pain.
I worked at a chronic pain clinic last year, and I was able to draw on my mom’s experience to comfort other patients. It also gave me perspective so that it was easier for me to understand people who become addicted to pain meds. I think people who suffer from chronic pain and addiction need much more understanding than judgment (especially from the receptionist in their doctor’s office). Regretfully, I certainly would have been one to judge these people if it hadn’t been for my mom.
Was it Marion G. Romney that said, “I thank the Lord for all the experiences I would have avoided if I could.”
I, of course, struggle to happily pile it on, but I’m trying. Andrea, I feel foolish for ever complaining about anything at all. I know your struggle is great. I know the Lord is with you, too. I DO live a narrow and somewhat cloistered existence. The Lord is going to have to force it out of me to progress, I’m sure.
That scripture always makes me a little nervous. I’ve had many varied hard experiences and I sometimes feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When and what am I supposed to learn? And did I? Or is something worse coming? I admit it sounds rather pessimistic, but I can’t help it. I have to admit that sometimes life just scares me.
I’m going through a small trial right now that I’d rather not, and that phrase is one of several that keep coming up in my mind. It does give me a bit of comfort, when combined with other scriptures.
Just two weeks ago, the Joseph Smith lesson in Relief Society (lesson 19) was about trials. At the bottom of page 230 is a quote from Joseph Smith that says, “For my part, I think I never could have felt as I now do, if I had not suffered the wrongs that I have suffered. All things work together for good to them that love God.”
I actually wrote that quote in my journal. And then I wrote about how the experiences I had over the last few years were ones I would have gladly done without. There are still a few scars and a few nightmares I’m dealing with from them. But if I hadn’t had those experiences, would my knowledge of the love of God, his mercy, his forgiveness, his healing power, and the atonement, be as strong and sure as they are right now? I doubt it. So while I wish I could go back and not have those experiences, the knowledge I gained as a result have, now that I can see more clearly, more than made up for the pain.
I love that quote about the Lord giving us the experiences that we would’ve avoided. We always have the choice of how we will react to a trial and, I think, that’s the true test.
I’m glad you knew how to help your son and that everything turned out okay.
This post totally reminds me of the movie “Signs” - funny! I remember thinking when I watched that movie that it was a nice little allegory for all the ways that God equips us early on for the things we will face later.
The only example I can think of from my own life is a pretty small one - but being insecure and picked on when I was in middle school and jr. high school, while a miserable, miserable experience at the time, has sure helped to make me a more empathetic adult. I think it will make me a better mother, too.
Andrea– I can barely respond through my tears. This was incredibly moving.
Wow, Andrea. I remember your other post, also beautifully written. I love your honesty and your willingness to be grateful for how the challenges helped with this situation.
The scripture you reference has rarely been of comfort to me. I prefer 2 Nephi 2:2, ” . . . he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.”
When I received a certain calling in college, I remember having a strong impression that many of my challenges had prepared me for it. And then came the further understanding that I would have to go through more challenges to grow further. I really didn’t like that answer. I don’t have any specific things in mind right now, but I do believe in the principle and have seen it more than once in my life.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I remember when it was all over, along with the relief that nothing serious was wrong, was a feeling of PROFOUND gratitude. I was so grateful for what I had seen and experienced with my older son and the small sense of peace that came from being in a place that I had been before. Of course, I was terrified for what might have been wrong with my youngest, but knowing what to expect and not being afraid of the tests that were being done on him was very helpful.
I confess that I go through phases with this. Today is not one of my strong days. I’m lying in bed with a stomach bug thinking, “What is there to learn from this?” I’m a wimp today.
But when I have a better perspective, I really do know that we really are here to learn by experience…for other experiences in mortality and also for our eternal progression.
M&M, I think it’s hard for anyone while they’re going through a serious trial to think “What is there to learn from this?” In my personal experience, trying to find answers like that in the moment just makes me angry — my thoughts are more along the lines of “Why are you doing this to me??” I know I haven’t learned all the lessons I need to learn from my experiences, but I do know that in the future, maybe YEARS down the road, I will figure those things out and maybe use my experience to benefit someone else. For right now, I’m just trying to survive the experience.
One of the things that has been most interesting to me as I have gotten older is how many times I’ve been able to take something from some of my most difficult challenges and use it to help someone else as they’ve later gone through something similar.
I agree that is definitely something better discovered after the fact rather than right in the middle of something awful.
Recently I have really struggled with being happy amidst my trials. From conference talks and other sources I know that “WHY?” is not an appropriate question but sometimes you just want to know that the horrid things you go through have a purpose. Because I am a mere (wo)man I don’t know how or why God does specific things. I want mercy, understanding and confirmation every step of the way but that is not how this works. The counsel from the scriptures to humbly submit as a child submits to his father seems unreachable.
That said I know that trials I’ve had in the past have made me a better servant of my Heavenly Father. Infertility issues makes my empathy for others in a similar situation palpable. After having a difficult childhood I found those experiences invaluable while serving as the YW pres in an inner-city branch.
Candidly, I wonder if the pain I suffered in those experiences was really worth the small services I gave. Just as the writer of this post I’m sure would rather have two healthy children and deal with an isolated seizure like someone who was a stranger to ERs. We can see small blessings from our experiences but it’s not equal to the sum of the trials.
It is difficult to connect the dots because you never truly know the impact of your service. Those type of answers and clarity are only available after this life is over. “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” (1 Cor 13:12) It is part of living a life of faith, knowing that somehow it will be made right and perfect but not knowing how.
jendoop,
Your comment made me think about something that has been on my mind lately. I think someday we will be astonished at how interconnected our lives and experiences were, and how much that interconnectedness contributed to our growth and spiritual journey.
Last year I was diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism. My body was producing too much calcium and without surgery some of my organs could shut down. It was awful being sick, it was frustrating being hooked up to IVs three times a week for three weeks. But during those times when I could not move or leave to take care of my family, I realized that what I really wanted in life was to be a mother. I really wanted to care for my family. I stopped seeing motherhood as a martyrdom (most of the time) and I started seeing it as an opportunity and a blessing that I wanted to live and experience to its fullest. I am grateful for the epiphany this trial brought me. Now when days are hard I remember that of all the jobs I have wanted in this life, this is the one that counts the most to me, this is the job my Heavenly Father gave me.
What happened to your little boy happens to my twins. Its called: Reflex anoxic seizures (here in England anyway). Usually they bump their head (like from falling off a couch), scream and then can’t get their breath back, they faint, then their brain restarts their breathing after a moment. Its a very terrifying feeling watching their eyes roll back and feeling like they are dying. (my twins don’t shake though). It happens less and less now that they know how to walk but it still happens. Eventually they will grow out of it I hope!
Julie,
We went to the pediatrician last week and he described the same thing as you. Since then, he’s had another one. My oldest son has severe brain damage and seizures, so the first time it happened to my youngest, it really scared us. Now that we know what it is, it’s a little easier to deal with, but still not fun. I think kids are supposed to grow out of it by about age 4 or 5.