We’re going to the cemetery today, to put flowers on my mother-in-law’s grave. Mom died four years ago. It’s good for me to have days like today, to make me remember my mother-in-law more clearly. And to make me realize that I need to talk to my kids about her more than I do. I have this sense of her being with us still, and I think she is. We talked openly about her dying, and she promised me she would come back and visit as often as she could. I don’t feel like my kids really connect with her, though. Because she is already gone, I suspect she feels like an Ancestor to them, blending in with all the departed greats and great-greats.
My oldest is the only one with any memories of her. He used to play with her every day (she lived in our basement). She had the patience to play games for an hour that I find tedious after five minutes: pretend grocery shopping, going to Macey’s and Costco and eating imaginary samples; pretend birthday parties for all the farm animals. With my oldest, her first and then-only grandson, she was his best buddy for almost three years. I think his memories of her are hazy at best, though. Which is sad to me, since he was the joy of her life those last years. She had failing health, and limited energy, but whenever she could she would sit down on the carpet with my son and eat the rooster’s imaginary birthday cake.
I know if she were here, she would be playing with my other kids, enjoying them too. For them, remembering Grandma Milner will mean going to the cemetery, singing the music she composed, hearing a few stories. I wish they had more, though. I wish they got to play pretend farm and pretend birthday party with her. I wish they had heard her voice in person, instead of from the wobbly video of an old home movie. I hope I can find a way to communicate who she was to them; I want my children to have a better sense of who they’re missing.
How do you do it? How do you help them remember what they’ve never known?
I have compiled a number of stories of my ancestors to pass on to my own children and grandchildren, and I published (in book form) my mother’s autobiography (taken from her journals). Several years ago, my sister and I compiled several of the more interesting ancestor stories and put them in the form of an illustrate-it-yourself story book for our younger grandchildren.
However, I think the best way to keep the people I love most alive for my children and grandchildren is simply to refer to them in everyday conversation. For example, I was baking cookies with two of my grandsons last week (making up a new recipe together to use up some overripe bananas), and I mentioned that my mother (their Great Grandma Ann) loved bananas and especially banana bread. They both love bananas too, so I’m guessing that the next time these little boys eat a banana, they will think of their great grandmother, and, when I am gone, of me too. I hope the memories will become entwined just we are as a family.
I know what my mom would say– plaster the house with pictures of family, alive and dead, and bring up their stories when people look at the pictures.
My MIL loves to tell stories about her ILs and her parents, who have all died in the last decade. Even though I only met my DH’s grandma when she was so far gone with Alzheimer’s that I could barely even glimpse the creative force she had once been, I feel like I know her through the stories her kids tell, and the books she wrote and left behind.
Didn’t Shakespeare say that the way we leave a record is through the words we write and the children we bear? If so, it sounds like your MIL did a great job on both fronts.
I had one Grandmother who did this and my husband’s Grandmother and mother both did it as well, as Shelah said, have family pictures everywhere. I have pictures of my children, their aunts and uncles, their children, my parents, our grandparents (hmmm.. I’m missing some) Great Grandparents.
I also make recipes from as many of them as possible. I think there is a rich history in the food we eat at family gatherings and the stories told when gathered around the table. So there is a connection there. I talk about gardening because of my husband’s mother, the curls I have from my father’s side of the family.
As they get older and get ready to leave home it will be interesting to see how they endevour to keep those things alive for themselves.
We have a family history wall, a picture pedigree chart including us, their grandparents, and so on out to their great-great-greats. We have tried to read some of their stories…I am wanting to make that a Sunday evening tradition (have yet to get that into a good pattern, though).
I also think we can point them to the eternal plan and help them know that what earthly memories they may not have can and will be made up in the eternities. I look forward to getting to know those who went before me someday.
Thanks for the great comments!
CatherineWO, what a wonderful idea. I love the illustrated storybook concept.
Shelah, you know, I have not filled the house with pictures, and I’m realizing that I need to do better. Just after she died I put together a picture album with every picture I had of her. But reading your comments, I realized that I don’t have a good picture of her upstairs displayed prominently. I am going to fix that! And thanks for the Shakespeare reference :-).
Mommon–ooh, I love the idea of family history through food. Mom was not a great cook–she did not have the energy, which has actually been a great blessing to my marriage. DH had low expectations of me regarding cooking, and so when I make dinner he is very grateful. Ditto for ironing. But there are a few recipes that connect me to her.
M&M–I love the family history wall, and the idea of making up earthly memories in the eternities.
We had a “Grandma Milner” FHE tonight. We sang her songs (”I like to look for rainbows” in the Primary songbook, and another that was published in the Friend) and looked at pictures. My two oldest paid more attention than my youngest. But he loved to dance around as we sang. I know she would love to watch him play.
Doctrinal question: does anyone know if the spirits of the unborn and the spirits of the deceased get to mingle somehow? And by “does anyone know” what I’m asking for is a nice doctrinal pronouncement, rather than anecdotes. For me, I like to think that my mother-in-law got to know my youngest before he was born, that they were somehow spirits together. But I wish I knew if that were more than just speculative theology on my part.
I tell my children that they have characteristics like so and so. My son has freckles like his grandfather. One son is nervous like his grandmother. One son has hair that bleaches blonde exactly like my mother. I share both physical and personality characteristics with them. I tell them bedtime stories about people I want them to remember. I also have made scrapbook pages about our family history, and have attempted to write as many details as I can remember.
Emily,
After my mom died (I was 10) I remember crying one day to my dad that (aside from pictures) I was forgetting her face. I could remember things we had done, but I couldn’t actually remember much of her person, her voice, etc. This was shocking to me because I idolized my mom, and had been around her almost every hour of my life.
I have ever since been convinced that what my father told me was true: the forgetting must be a gift from Heavenly Father to make life bearable as we go on. And the deceased must (in some respect) actually desire for us that lessening of grief. I think they understand and accept the natural response on our part, and don’t take it personally.
I think it’s something like the way I feel when I drop my children off for nursery. I’m glad they miss me at first, but I want them to quickly cheer up and enjoy their surroundings and (almost) forget about me entirely until that happy moment when we meet again at the end of church. And of course, it never fails that they are overjoyed to see me afterward, so I don’t wonder whether they love me or not.
I don’t mean in any way for this to downplay the importance of pictures, stories, recipes, taping, and the like. I still very much value the nursery teachers re-inforcing all my home values and urging the kids to make crafts for me and/or help mommy when they get home.
Happy Memorial Day
Tiffany, I love that. I think my kids can inherit some of her spiritual characteristics.
Hello Shalissa!! Good to see you here! And interesting analysis–I had never thought of forgetting as a gift, but I can see it that way. It’s better for me and my family not to live in a state of intense grief.
I don’t have anything to add, but I wanted to de-lurk long enough to tell everyone thank you for sharing your ideas.
My father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and I have been so worried about how I will be able to keep his memory alive for my three small children. He has been one of my best friends and I want so badly for them to know him.
I have really needed some advice and this came at just the right moment.
Thank you!!
Jacy, my sympathies about your father. That’s so hard. I’m really glad this came at the right moment for you.