Growing up I spent the majority of Sacrament Meetings thinking about my children-to-be. As a teenager I would instantly tune out all speakers and think about baby names, how beautiful my five daughters would be, what they would wear, and how fabulous our life would turn out.
I don’t have to tell you that the family of my reality doesn’t bear much resemblance to the family of my imagination. I was hoping for all girls (initially I was aiming for a dozen, à la the twelve dancing princesses, but I figured the chances of that were slim to none.) I did actually manage to have three girls, but I also have three boys as well. It’s worked out well, without causing my husband to drown in estrogen.
Before I had children, and even for the first couple of years after they began arriving, I had all sorts of fanciful ideas about how they would be raised. Here are a few chestnuts:
–No Barbie dolls allowed. Not only was Barbie sleazy-looking, I found it annoying that she had all sorts of careers excepts motherhood. The most maternal she ever got was babysitting her little sisters Skipper and Kelly. Nowadays you can get a pregnant Barbie, although most of the time she still just babysits. The thing that really tipped the scales in Barbie’s favor was the development of Bratz and other similarly skanky dolls. Compared to the scantily-clad, overly made-up Bratz, Barbie looks like a Laurel Advisor. I actually broke down and purchased our family’s first Barbie last Christmas. I felt very strange since “Barbie-free” has been my mantra for so long. I could only bring myself to buy the Indonesian Barbie, though. She has brown hair and brown eyes which somehow makes her “better” than the blonde ones. (Could it because I have brown hair and brown eyes too? A definite possibility.)
–All clothes must be natural fibers. This idea blossomed back in the 80’s when nobody cared about natural anything. I really have no idea how 16-year-old me came up with something so random. After I had children I began to realize that polyester and lycra are welcome friends. Pure cotton means pure wrinkles. If I were the kind of mother who always hung up her children’s clothes, it might have worked out better. But more often that not things are left to cure on the floor for a while before they make it onto a hanger. I’m not even going to mention the pure silk baby dresses I bought. It’s just too humiliating.
–No plastic toys allowed. Again, nothing environmental here. I think I was just trying to be as classy as possible (again, why?). I spent quite a bit of money on the handmade version of popular toys: The shape sorter that featured each shape made of a different species of wood; dolls made of wool and cotton (I did draw the line at those kooky Waldorf dolls with no faces, though); dollhouses and accessories made of wood or ocassionally metal. When our garage of wooden cars continued to go untouched I finally had my son explain why; “Wood cars are boring, Mom. They don’t look real.” Hmm, he might just have a point. I also realized after a few years of mending many things with wood glue that there is a reason children’s toys are made of plastic. It can be a heck of a lot stronger. I have yet to find a single broken lego or Fisher-Price barnyard animal. And even if the plastic stuff falls apart, it was cheap to begin with, so who cares if it just gets tossed in the garbage?
–Movies and videos had to fit in one of three catagories: old-fashioned (as in the original Little Rascals), have British accents (we somehow managed to acquire dozens of videos of Postman Pat and Kipper the Dog), or classic Disney (sorry Pocahontas). I suppose I was hoping that my children would pick up adorable English accents despite living in Oregon. Or perhaps I just wanted them to grow up sheltered from the ugliness of modern life. I certainly would never have dreamed that I would be bringing home Pokemon: Mewtwo vs. Mew, which was the last movie I rented for my children (hey, at least I didn’t buy it).
What it boils down to is that, like most first-time mothers, I was utterly clueless. Pre-child me had naiveté dripping from every pore. Did I actually think I would be able to avoid Disney and Barbies and plastic? Maybe if I lived on a ranch in Montana and my kids were homeschooled. But living in suburbia with birthday parties, TV commercials and playdates, it’s entirely impossible. Which is fine. I made my peace with it years ago. Now I just roll my eyes at those silly ideas I had. Really, what was I thinking? Do you look back on some of the plans you started out with and wonder the same thing? Am I the only one who started out their mothering career so far off base?
I can’t even begin to recount the numerous notions I held that have proven to be wrong/unnecessary/damaging/expensive/foolish. I’m sure I’m still making them, too!
I had the same list of things- wood toys, natural fibers, no Barbie, organic food, blah blah blah. Now three kids in the hopper, and Lego are all that gets played with in our house. The fancy toys from Germany, while lovely, are no match for Bionicles. The wooden trike does get used- yes, I have a wooden trike- but no more than the uber-plastic Little Tykes red car. Oh well… life happens to the best of us.
Please, can I? I really want to avoid Barbie!
ESO — I think you can avoid Barbie. I have so far and my daughter is 8. Check out http://www.onlyheartsclub.com/ fo.r a good substitute
My former wife and I had no TV, no white sugar (heck, I’m not sure we even had brown sugar), no white flour, did not buy candy for the kids, avoided junk food, made our own yogurt and mayonnaise, sprouted our own sprouts, had no toy guns, etc. — you get the idea. (She was [and is] an RN/midwife/childbirth educator, I was [and am] a computer geek, and we’re both from California.)
The result? Our two oldest kids spent a lot of time next door, watching TV, eating junk and processed food, and generally having a good time in spite of our best efforts. Our son Jon, at age 3, turned his sisters’ toy hair drier into a gun and ran around the house shooting things
One of the first things I did after our separation and divorce was buy a TV.
…bruce..
So true…but sometimes I am really sad that our culture has more power over my kids than my husband and I do. We don’t have TV, but our kids pick things up from their friends on the playground, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I think at some point you have to strike a balance between sticking to your principles and going with the flow. The trick is in deciding what is a principle and what’s a silly ideal.
I don’t think i was even concious of my nievety prior to kids.. the only one i vividely remember is visiting my aunt when my first was just a tiny baby.. she was making a grocery list and asked what i like for breakfast.. i told her pretty much anything and as we were talking (i had several aunts around during this discussion) i said (as others were pouring their morning cereal) “i don’t believe in sugared cereal.. i think it should be illegal”… at the time i even had reasons behind it but looking back on it one, it was HORRABLY rude and inconciderate of me to insult my aunts household and 2) everyone there knew i would totally change my tune when I gained enough brain cells to know weather you buy the cereal w/ sugar already in it or put the sugar bowl on the table there still getting just as much sugar..
fast forward 13 years.. my pantry is chocked full of sugary breakfast goodness
ESO, I think Katie said it well with “deciding what is a principle and what’s a silly ideal.” Sunday I sat in amazement as my 2-year old ate, and relished an artichoke, so I’ve managed to pass on some of my tastes to my kids — but I think it’s a very, very important principle to NEVER mock or shame your kids for what they like. You might get away without Barbies, but if your daughter just plain likes them, I think it’s better to go with the flow. (BTW I have two daughters and just one Barbie in our house — after a rather brief flirtation with Barbie, my older daughter decided she didn’t like Barbie (she said Barbie’s lifestyle seemed shallow and superficial, or something to that effect,) and she gave one of her two Barbies to her cousin and passed her other one down to her younger sister. As far as I can tell the only time my younger daughter’s played with that Barbie was when she cut her hair.
BTW, Jennie, I had that natural-fibers bias, and I’ve known lots of other children of the 80s who had that preference, and I’ve actually always thought of it as an 80s aesthetic. I still love natural fibers, but I also do a WHOLE lot of ironing.
Alex, we have none of the Only Hearts dolls — and almost all of the Only Hearts tiny stuffed animals. I even have a couple of my own that stay on my dresser and I won’t share them. They are SO stinkin’ cute. (I think the other reason we’ve mostly avoided Barbie at my house is that my 8-year-old is a HUGE fan of stuffed animals, much more so than of dolls, and my younger kids have followed her example.)
I spent so much time talking to my first son, counting everything, naming body parts in the tub, giving him as much language as possible. My idea was that this would help him in speech development. Now he’s three years old and getting special services for delayed speech. Go figure. I still like the idea of this - but I kind of laugh at all of that time I spent counting his toes in the bath. He probably would have picked up as much as he has without all of my efforts. And I haven’t done half as much with the twins, and they’re starting to talk without all of the “lessons.” It all comes back to good intentions I guess. At least I have that going for me.
I think I’m still reeling with expectations of how you “should” raise a child. (i.e. “organic”) I think it is a tool Satan uses to discourage and distract us from our true purpose and objective; teaching our children to love and follow their Savior. I think you know you’re on course when you let go of the “ideal” or “magazine-article-said-so” guilt, and focus on priorities. So, I’d say, it looks like most of us are pretty on track!
I remember before I had kids I would look at parents giving into their kids whining. I would smugly think, “I’ll never do that!!” HA HA HA HA
Oh yeah, preaching to the choir here. I used to belong to the “no fast food” club, as well as the “only pbs tv” club. I am however still a member of the “no super hero sneakers” club.
Being the oldest of five, and constantly babysitting the younger ones, I knew what I was in for as far as diaper changing and feeding and no sleep. I thought my kids would be brilliant (like me), excel in school (like me), and be obedient (not exactly like me but there had to be an ideal somewhere). NOT. Oldest has a communication disorder, the next hates to read, the third spaces out in a world of her own, and the youngest is almost three and still can’t say more than two words completely. They ALL want it their own way. Good thing they’re so cute.
Homeschooling in Montana actually sounds pretty good to me. Look at what it did for Christopher Paolini (sp?).
But, yeah, I’ve given up on almost all my theories. I’m just relieved that most of my siblings now have enough kids that they are realizing they will give up on their theories, too. There were a few rough years there when I was giving up on theories and everyone else still had them.
I’m sitting here realizing that I had no preconceieved notions about my future children when I was a teenager. Then when college friends started having children, that is when I started noticing what I would ‘never’ do. Now, I’m just hoping I can get them through adolescence with no one ending up picked up by the police (them or me) and I’ll call it good.
If I keep the bar low I’m more likely to get over it….
I’ve only been a mom for about 3 months, so I still have all those dreams. I really want to hold on to that no-Barbie idea. But one thing that faded quickly was how I would be the perfect parent. I used to look at moms who couldn’t get their kids to go to sleep and think “oh you’re just giving in! you have to stand your ground!” I used to think that when my baby cried, it wouldn’t bother me. That I would just be able to say “oh, babies cry. no biggie!” Now I think otherwise (and laugh at myself just a little bit).
I was very anti-barbie until I saw my nieces have many of them and still turn out to be very good kids.
I am in favor of unpainted plastic, since ds chews on everything. Is there any safety hazard to chewing on plastic?
I love this discussion. I know I have other things I was for or against, but I’ve let go of a lot. Time will tell as ds gets older.
A funny realization hit me after reading this. My kids 3 girls are older teens now and they have been raised in a crazy house.
I am the one who buys and eats the sugar cereal (never got it as a kid), while my kids eat grape nuts and oatmeal (by choice!) I bought the Barbies because I never had them, and my girls could’ve cared less. I was the one into Polly Pocket WAY more than they ever were. Hubbie and I are over doers. We can’t just get one of something - it must be a collection, hence the superheros, cd’s, movies, and too many toys to mention! My girls would rather scrapbook and read. Much calmer than their crazy parents.
I wonder if this craziness skips a generation? I hope they have better sense than we seem to…
Hmmm…. just reread that first sentence - didn’t really make sense. Oh well, you get the picture. My typing fingers don’t work as fast as my brain. Anyway, I seem to be doing and getting everything I felt I didn’t get as a kid. Go figure!
I have a friend who compromised with her girls on bratz. SOunds bad I know… but she only allows Bratz Kids dolls (they aren’t nearly as skeazy!) and this way she has her girls compare the dolls and asks why they aren’t allowed to have regular or baby bratz dolls. These girls truely understand the differance between skeazy and cute. YAY for my friend.
April, when I was saying that it’s probably not wise to ban Barbie outright, I was thinking to myself “but Bratz are another story.” That’s a great example of someone really working with their kids’ wishes, negotiating, and finding a solution they can all live with.
Wow I didn’t even know that sixteen year olds thought about that kind of thing…. I don’t think I will even mention what I was thinking at sixteen but I have to admire all of your for being so forthright and good!
But I have to agree with the rest of you that I had a lot… I mean a lot of ideals that were SMASHED TO ITSY BITSY PIECES once I had kids. In fact now I’m just happy that I still choose to wake up in the morning knowing good and well what could happen when I do!
Well it’s knowing what could happen if I *don’t* that gets me up. When I do get up.
Eight years of motherhood and I too have learned to pick my battles. I’m pretty lenient about most things, and realize that the household ban on Spongebob and Barney is due more to my own irrational prejudices than anything inherently wrong in those shows.
A year or two before getting married, I imagined my wife, perfectly dressed and smiling, driving our two cute kids to school in a shiny new Volvo. Just today I watched her drive our five kids away in our tired old minivan. I am much happier with what I saw today.
Rick, I’m not sure what my husband’s vision would have been, but when we were engaged, I told him that after we were married I would come visit him at work with a bunch of our kids, each kid’s nose dripping and each kid holding a sucker that would be all over its shirt and face. I don’t know why I felt compelled to warn him, but this did always make him laugh. (Sadly, it hasn’t really come true — I hardly ever visit him at work.)
My vision was that my husband and I would raise our seven daughters on a farm where they would gather fresh eggs every morning and milk the two cows every night. We would eat fresh produce from our organic garden and spend the evenings reading aloud and playing our various instruments for each other.
Well . . . our one daughter and four sons grew up in the suburbs, are scared of chickens, think cows stink, and routinely hide boxes of Pop Tarts in their bedrooms.
But they do all love to read and are accomplished musicians. Some ideals you’ve just gotta hang on to!
I actually thought before I had kids–now don’t laugh at me–”I’m not going to be one of those mothers who does stuff for herself all day. No, I’m going to spend all my time playing with my kids.” and “I’m never going to let my house get so messy [as some of my friends' houses were]. I’m giong to make sure my house is always clean when I have kids.” Hahaha. I laugh heartily at both of those ridiculous sentiments. But I’m sticking to no sugar cereal. If I can just make my husband give it up…
Oh, I had the farm fantasy too, Sharlee. We got as far as having three chickens but it never was as lovely as it was in my imagination.
My silliest notions I got through books and AP sites. When I was pregnant with my third I was going to do it all “right”: cloth diapers (even though we did not have our own washing machine because we lived in married student housing), nursing until two, and establishing a sleep schedule ala “Babywise” (not very AP but…there you have it. I am an eclectic mother).
My husband vetoed the cloth diapers. When my baby was born my CNM lifted her eyebrows when I showed her Babywise and she wisely did not say anything. After the first week I abandoned the idea of starving my baby for hours at a time so I could schedule her and realized my Babywise infatuation was nonsense and established a family bed. As for extended breastfeeding-we got to three months when I landed in the MICU, lost my milk, and almost lost my life. I had never given my baby a bottle (another idea from a website) so she also went through a couple of days of shock and depression until she would take a bottle. Luckily my neighbors who had recently birthed children breastfed her a few times or she would have starved.
What I learned: there is something to be said for Shakespeare and the best laid plans of mice and men.
I do think it is good to have standards and not let the “tail wag the dog” when it comes to raising children but as parents we need to be ready to compromise on the less important things. And we can only know if something is more or less important when taken in the broader context of our lives.
I have mixed feelings. My parenting life is far different from what I envisioned six years ago when my first arrived. But I’m not completely convinced that’s all a good thing. Somethings I’ve definitely realized aren’t as important to me as I once thought, like cloth diapering, homeschooling, and eating all organic food. But some things I still mourn, like breastfeeding failures. Other things don’t cause that deep sense of loss, but I still wish I’d stuck to my guns because changing now is harder than if I’d held to my principles in the first place, like eating too much junk food and having the TV on too much. Other principles I’ve stuck to through thick and thin, like our family bed and not letting my babies cry themselves out in order to learn to sleep.
Mothering is a process, and being humbled is part of the game. Still, I hate it when we almost sabotage a new mother’s efforts and her dreams. I hated it as a new mom when people would tell me that whatever it is I wanted to do or be would be lost and forgotten in a few years. In large part, it was true–things are far different than what I planned. In many ways this is just fine. But maybe some of those things I could have kept with more encouragement and support?
Oh, I so agree, eljee! Most of us capitulate far too easily. The trick is to figure out what really matters and what doesn’t–and then to stick to our guns on the “really matters” stuff.
eljee, you’re right on. I think that every first time mother deserves the right to have that first time mother experience just like we did. I got so much grief from so many women during those first two years of parenthood, that I solemnly swore to myself never ever ever to become one of those women.
It’s all just part of growing and learning, and we can’t rob each other of those experiences, or we rob each other of that growth.
So, while I had so many silly things that I did, it wasn’t helpful AT ALL for anyone to point them out to me, and I’m really grateful for that time where I got to figure out what I was willing to slough off and what I was committed enough to keep.