Dh and I got in a fight last weekend. A real doozie. And it lasted longer than a day.
Let me first say that this is not normal for us. We don’t fight, or not that often, anyway. And when we do fight, it’s often short lived, about stupid things, and, although I hate to admit this, almost always tied to MY physical well being at the moment: either I’m overtired, overhungry, or overly hormonal. DH impressed many a husband at church once when, while I was ranting in his face about something insignificant, he calmly reached into his suit jacket and, without a word, handed me a granola bar.
Oh, how I love that man.
But we fought last weekend, and although it centered around one central theme, in reality, it was about a lot of different things. So it was a complicated fight. Hence the long, grumpy weekend.
In the end, we made up, but it took a lot of apologizing (on both sides), some tears (mostly on my side), and some honest re-evaluations of certain aspects of our marriage and our relationship.
It took a long time to get to the point where we were both forgiven. And it was exhausting.
Yesterday, I got in a fight with my 6 year old.
Well, “fight” is a strong word. Really, I was yelling at him for being slow, and for taking too long to poop. Yes, it’s true. I was upset about my son’s bowels.
To be fair, we had struck a deal that I would let him play longer as long as he would be ready to jump in the car to go to his T-ball game the MINUTE I called his name. So, I called his name, with baby and T-ball gear already in the car, but he ran to the bathroom instead of the car. And, well, let’s just say that sometimes it just takes a fella a while to do his business.
This time I knew it was an over-reaction. I was hungry, tired, hot, and stressed about dealing with the kids alone because DH was out of town, and I knew that being late for T-ball wasn’t exactly the end of the world. But I blew my stack anyway, causing my usually cheerful child to crumble into tears on the bathroom floor. I got him into the car, looked at his sad little face, and wanted to cry myself. So I took him OUT of the car, got down on his level, wrapped my arms around him and told him I was sorry. So, so sorry for yelling, for being short with him, and for hurting his feelings. He sniffed and said, “Mom, when you YELL, it just makes things harder!”
I nodded, told him that I understood, and said, “Will you forgive me?”
He immediately threw his arms around me, gave me a tight little boy hug and said, “Yeah, I forgive you, Mom,” and within minutes, my happy son was back (although not before he got in the final kicker:”Mom, Dad never yells”. Yeah, thanks for that, kid).
Pretty straight forward. And once I decided to apologize, the whole thing was over fairly quickly.
People often use the term “fighting with a two year old” or “like talking to a child” as a description for a difficult encounter. I’m not sure this is always accurate (although, yes, I concede, 2 year olds are generally sort of a nightmare). Kids see things pretty black and white. And they forgive pretty darn easily. In their world, things aren’t very complicated. In my son’s world, when I yell, it makes things harder. Simple as that. So stop yelling already, mom.
How do you resolve conflicts in your marriage and in your family? When things are complicated (as they usually are in a family), how do you simplify things to get to the point where you can apologize about the things you are really talking about? Is it easier for you to ask for or to give forgiveness?
Personally, I think fighting with a 6 year old is much easier than fighting with my husband. I’ll take 6 year old angst any day.
I get mad at my nearly five year old when she takes too long on the toilet too.
I’m in the same boat as you. My husband is so calm with my children and is so calm when we fight.
Usually tears are shed and we discuss until we come to a solution or until I get tired of discussing.
If I’ve hurt my child’s feelings I try to come back at a later time when emotions are more under control and discuss why mommy is frustrated.
This was great reading, Heather. I had to laugh that the teaser ended with you getting the granola bar; I thought you were referring to yourself as the six-year-old, and then thought how I probably act like a six-year-old, too, sometimes.
As for our marriage, we each have our own version of communication dysfunction. He withdraws, I rant. They don’t work well together. But when we calm down enough to think rationally, we can talk things out pretty well. Knowing our goal is to be rational, calm, and open helps us get past our “natural” state. You know . . . when we can think that clearly.
I never knew marital conflicts could sometimes take a long time to figure out, not just a talk-it-through-in-a-night kind of thing.
I am better at asking for forgiveness than forgiving.
Re: simplifying to get to the point, I would say sometimes it takes a long time for us. When we listen non-defensively while the other talks through their feelings, we can get there. We have to really step outside ourselves and our own agenda to do that. Sometimes it’s REALLY hard.
shoot–my baby woke up early. I may say more later.
The saying should be it’s like dealing with a teenager
Although, my daughter is a much more mature teenager now than she was when she was 3.
[...] what happens when you and DH fight? Come over to Segullah and tell [...]
When I am tired or hungry or, heaven forbid, both at the same time, I get very cranky. DH knows not to take me seriously in that state and usually after I eat something, I apologize and he laughs.
I have what he calls a “confusing” tone of voice, where he says I sound like I’m really upset, but I don’t feel upset, I’m just answering a question or saying something. So, if I’m NOT upset, and he thinks I’m upset, then I get upset.
Wow, that sounds immature. I will have to do better.
Mrs. M, I totally get the confusing voice. Kind of funny, putting it out here.
Yeah, if only we could all forgive as completely and quickly as a six-year-old.
We are a house of boisterous and big people. Big personalities, big opinions, big voices. So, when we fight, it’s pretty big, too.
I’m a tired/emotional/hormonal yeller too. If my blood sugar is wacky, I’m wacky. I’m going to have to have DH start carrying granola bars in his pocket.
The only advice I have about fighting is being honest about what you’re really fighting about. Am I nagging him because the Christmas lights are still in the garage, or am I upset because he forgot something more important? Honesty. And sometimes, it’s hard to even be honest with myself.
Wow I usually don’t comment on my first visit to a blog. It’s like dating and kissing.
Anyway here goes: My husband and I this very week had our first email fight. It was AWESOME. He had done something that I thought he should have asked my opinion on first in a way that I still think is the most illogical way to do it. Anyway by the time I got home and saw what he had done he was asleep and left for work before I woke up in the morning. SO fighting over email is GOOD because you can think about exactly why you’re mad, state each point and then rebuttle your hearts out. And in-between receiving and sending you can really think about what the other person said and I’m also a very visual person so I “listen” better when I can see the words. It’s magical. I also tend to be very passionate and my husbands ears tend to seal off when I speak in “that tone of voice.”
When he came home from work it was totally resolved and thoroughly discussed and we never had to verbally argue, which is what I hate.
We never fight. We are perfect, haven’t you met us? You should see my children too… They are spotless and well mannered little humans. My home always smells like fresh baked goods and I never get behind on my laundry. Don’t feel bad though. Not everyone can be as AWESOME as we are.
Seriously though? Loved your post!
With my kids I am learning to just leave until I can become rational. It’s hard to do becasue the yelling just pops out of my mouth. i hate yelling and nagging, but I’ve got to learn to just give a consequence with no emotion attached. The worst is bedtimes. When I say “it’s time for bed,” I expect 2 kids to march upstairs, put on their pj’s, brush their teeth and get ready for prayers and stories. Instead it’s like this hour long playtime. I go crazy because my DH riles them up by chasing them around the house to “make bedtime fun.”
That’s what we fight about.
I never thought about fighting via e-mail, but that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Me and Dh are both attorney’s and we always get asked, “What are the fights like in your house?” as if we’re going to fight like we’re in a courtroom. I’ve tried and I’m not a very good at cross-examination.
Lets face it, when it comes to our loved ones, fighting is full of emotion, disappointments, etc. And just like most of you, I’m usually tired, frustrated, hormonal, or down right hungry when the fight begins (because that’s when I’m prone to focus on the problems) Over the years we’ve learned to “discuss” rather than have an all-out-war. It’s taken years for me to control my desire to lash out immediately, but I’ve found dh is more receptive to my concerns when I’m calm. So, I just remind myself to stay calm and I’ll get what I want. :):)
I’ve also yelled at my 6yo and 5yo about pooping. Not my finest moment. But the whole power struggle about whether to poop or not is, well, annoying.
I think I’ll try email and see how that goes.
We don’t fight that much. My husband can be a real jerk sometimes, partly his temperament and partly a physical thing (no sleep, exercise, food, etc makes him grouchy). So generally, he gets cranky and I ignore it until he feels better. There’s nothing I can do or say when he gets like that to make him feel better. Our youngest son is the same way, only a lot worse (puberty, yikes). Anything I say will just be something else that they’ll get upset about, so I try to stay quiet and let them work it out on their own.
I do sometimes get cranky, usually a blood sugar or hormonal thing, but my temperament isn’t a “the world is going to pay for my bad mood” kind of temperament. I can recognize that it’s hormonal or I need to sleep or whatever and usually not take it out on people around me.
My husband is the acting out type, I’m the acting in type.
Randa, DH and I have taken to discussing things via IM. I had been feeling a little guilty about it, like we should be grown ups and be able to discuss things in person. But your comment made me realize there are definate benefits and I shouldn’t hang my head about it. After a resolution we usually touch on things in person and its all good.
Yelling is so horrid, I had a Dad that did the scary yell and I swore I’d never do it. But then I hear myself and wonder how horrid I must look with my crazy banshee yell and it makes me sick. Sometimes I feel like my apologies to the kiddos are insincere because I continue to have the yelling problem. I do really have remorse and want to do better but a few days later I need to apologize again. Oh perfection you are so very distant….
Susan, my husband is the same way. My MIL saw it once and saw it as me taking the brunt of his “tantrum” when in reality, I just ignore him. He’s not usually mad AT me, just the situation and that is the way he reacts. It took me a long time to realize that is how he copes and while I don’t like it, he will return to normal and apologize after. What can you do?
You can’t control other people’s actions, only your own. My husband’s usually pretty good about getting what he needs to avoid those moods (for him, he needs regular exercise, which means skateboarding, surfing, dirtbiking, etc). And because I know what he needs, I know when he doesn’t get what he needs, and can usually try to keep things mellow during those times. One big clue for me is if he has nightmares (like the wake up screaming type).
I hope I’m not making him sound horrible. He’s a good guy.
dh and I don’t yell during an argument, in fact we just stop talking all together. We learned a long time ago that we can get pretty hurtful if we keep on going in an argument and it just works better if we back off and go to our seperate corners until we can talk about it.
We do have one teenage son who doesn’t get it. He wants an argument resolved immediately. That makes for interesting times. Because he wants to continue talking until there’s a resolution. And that doesn’t work. At least not for dh and I. Most times we just keep repeating over and over and over, I’m not discussing this any longer right now. In fact he didn’t understand recently when I didn’t try to argue when dh was obviously angry about something. He thought I wasn’t sticking up for myself. How to help him understand that dh and I would and did talk when we could actually hear each other?
As far as physical triggers? And our whole family struggles with tempers flairing when we’re hungry. We know better than to have a charged discussion right after church as well. Everyone needs to have lunch and just chill and then we’ll have discussions.
My sons will also be very well versed in dealing with a hormonal woman. Both my dd and I struggle with this. And recently mine has been evolving. It took me a bit before I realized that yes indeed I was beginning to experience menopause (hellooo hot flashes!).
Tempers are tricky. And just when I think I’ve got it all figured out another element gets added! Go Figure! Isn’t being Human amazing!
Tired, hungry or way too hot. I thought I was the only one.
A friend of mine once talked about a fight at their house and how everyone got sent to their rooms. She even mentioned that her husband sent her to her room. Just the thought of that still makes me laugh. Although if someone sent me to my room I’d curl up with a good book and read until I fell asleep.
DH and I used to fight so much, but that was mostly due to my immaturity. As I have gotten older I have learned that I do best to think about something I feel upset about for a long time before I bring it up. Usually it’s a bigger deal in my mind that it is in reality, and taking that time helps me put things in perspective. If I don’t take time out, then I yell, and I hate that. DH has a hard time giving me time to cool off when I am upset though. He feels like I am avoiding it or just going to stew over things and then blow up even worse later. But he’s learning that it really is just so I don’t lose it when we discuss things.
I get angrier about things if I am hungry or tired or pms-y too. Fast sunday falls right on my PMS week for a good part of the year it seems like. Those are tough Sundays. I usually just try to say as little as possible and pray for the best. Oh, and I also get really really snippy if we are running late to something. You’d think I would realize that getting angry won’t make anyone go faster, or the lights turn green, but I guess I’m still learning!
Things got a lot better around here when I finally realized I’m not always right. It only took me a decade or so.
The 180 helps too. A year or so ago I realized the best thing to do in any given situation is usually the exact opposite of what I want to do at first. The trick is getting myself to do the 180 when I really, really, really want to go full speed ahead.
When we have big fights, I rant and cry and yell and DH breathes. Yup, he will sit there and breathe and the real kicker, when he is nervous or upset, he laughs. Now, I know why he is laughing, but it still makes me angrier. DH is the type that will think a problem out until he has solved it in his own head, I want to discuss it to death. We had a fight that started in church this week and didn’t get resolved until last night. Sometimes he drives me nuts, but I love him.
Kathy, I LOVE the gloves.
Thanks for the comments, everybody.