Today’s guest post comes from Emily Watts, acclaimed author of Being the Mom. You can find more of Emily’s writings at her own blog and at Light Refreshments Served. Emily has 5 children and 2 grandchildren. Welcome to Segullah, Emily! Thanks for being here.
I have heard horror stories about mothers-in-law. I have friends who suffer tremendous outrages and indignities in their relationships with their mothers-in-law. Mine was different. My mother-in-law never gave me any feeling or feedback other than gratitude for my having married her son. She never showed up unexpectedly or uninvited on our doorstep. She watched our children when we needed help—including taking in a three-year-old and a toddler for TWO WEEKS while my husband and I went to Europe.
So it always hurt my heart to hear her say, which she often did, “Oh, you get so much done. I never accomplished anything in my life.” She passed away of colon cancer this past February, convinced that she hadn’t really done anything worthwhile with her life.
Nine of her ten children were at the funeral. The other child, a 38-year-old daughter with Down Syndrome, was the only one absent.
When I was contemplating marrying my husband, who is the second of those ten children, I asked him with some trepidation, “You don’t want ten children, do you?” He looked at me thoughtfully and replied, “I don’t think you could handle ten.” And he was right. I couldn’t have. Sometimes, even with half that number, I wondered how on earth we had ever thought we could manage five children.
Yet my mother-in-law thinks she never accomplished anything.
Now the nine siblings (plus spouses) work together to try to provide care for their Down Syndrome sister on something like the level at which my mother-in-law provided it for more than twenty-five years, unaided. Yet she never accomplished anything.
Her husband died in an industrial accident when she was 49 years old, leaving her a widow for nearly as long as she had been a bride. At the time, she didn’t even have a driver’s license. She pulled herself together, kept her family going (her youngest was seven at the time), and never looked back.
One of the things I like least about mortality is that we don’t count “vicarious accomplishments” much here. I wish we were better at recognizing that there are all kinds of achievements in this world, and they all have value. I hope my mother-in-law is in a better position now to understand what she really did accomplish in the raising of her ten children. It feels to me like the most unselfish kind of accomplishing there is—the putting of someone else’s needs above your own.
I’m not one to say that a mom ought to devote herself entirely to bringing up her family, at the expense of her own desires. I certainly haven’t done that; I’ve participated in a lot of outside-the-home things that have brought me joy. And I’m not even saying that my mother-in-law chose better than I did in how she chose to live. I’m just saying, let’s not overlook the quiet work of the world just because some achievements seem to shine brighter. In the final analysis, I hope I come anywhere near to having accomplished as much as Juel Webb Watts did. Mom, can you see that now?
So true. I know a lot of women who could use their bedrooms wallpapered with this post as a reminder. Most of us, probably.
[...] At Segullah. If you’ve never read this woman, come on over and discover what you’ve been missing. [...]
Thanks for that, Emily. I love your books and writing, and reading this today makes me feel a little more hopeful about my own insecurities and lack of accomplishments. Maybe there’s some meaning in my life after all!
Love the part where she didn’t even have her driver’s license when her husband died, and yet, she grew into that newly expanded role as head of household. What a journey, and a great way to take it.
My mom’s always hated Mother’s Day, and I dutifully hated my first five or so. And then I realized that this is it. Even if Mother’s Day is some contrived, cheesy opportunity to give lip service to mothers, I’m gonna take it and run.
My sister’s husband just left, and she’s got a driver’s license, and 3 kids ages 5, 3, and 1. Heavenly Father expects so much of us. It would make sense, therefore that He thinks we can accomplish a heck of a lot!
Great post — even if you did make me tear up.
I love how you expressed this. “The quiet work of the world” is a great way to put it. I wonder if it would surpise her to knwo that is EXACTLY the kind of mom I long to be. And I am not the only one. I also wish the world put less importance one somethings and more on others.
I think that it says a lot about her that she was able to keep rolling with the punches when life dealt her some pretty major bumps. Just the simple fact that she took her daughter with DS HOME with her at that time is pretty amazing. There was a lot of assumption that people would just send the kids away and forget about them.. that is brave right there… (and besides, I love to hear about how the siblings are caring for their sister..it makes my heart feel better…).
I wish women had “blogs” back then (I know they journaled,but that is more of a private thing). I would love to read hers…
P.S. I have been reading/and loveing your posts at LRS.. good stuff.
What a lovely way of looking at things. I appreciate your point of view, and your sharing of this poignant memory.
Beautiful. Thank you. Hug the women in our lives, even if they’ve made different choices than we have.
Well now, if she never accomplished anything then I may as well quit now!
It is hard to remember the value of the work that we do when the world screams at us we ought to be having it all. Whatever the “it” is in “it all.” Beautiful post. Thanks!
Thanks for the reminder that we only need to look around at our family & friends to see what we’ve accomplished. Whether it’s raising a housefull of children, or being single & helping other singles. So many ways to “accomplish something,” and it’s something that we, as women, forget from time to time.
I am a wife for over a year, and a mother for barely two months. I have so much to learn, so much to do, so much to accomplished…I think I haven’t done anything worthwhile yet, except the day I bore Heavenne. Thanks for this post!
Your words are simpler but it touches the heart. You’re thoughts are mindful, and they are beautiful!
Anyway, are you an LDS? well, if not, perhaps you could participate in our poll as to who the mom’s like you are voting for this November at Http://jbsolis.blogspot.com
Thank you. I really needed to read this today. I’ve been a mom for 5 months and I feel like I’m not really doing anything… but maybe I am after all
(On a side note, I listened to “How To Survive Your Greatest Blessings” on an airplane trip last year and just about peed my pants laughing. It was so good! The rest of the plane probably thought I was nuts but it made the flight bearable!)
This was beautiful–and my new mommy brain can’t think of anything else to say except thank you.
[...] Best Books In yesterday’s wonderful post by Emily, she spoke about her mother-in-law who spent her life quietly serving her family. As I [...]
Thanks, Emily. I do “nothing” day in, day out. Also, a shout out to mothers in law who defy the mother-in-law stereo-type!
I think one of the tests of motherhood is to trust that what we do matters. It’s not the type of ‘matters’ that we can measure, and that tests us in a long-haul kind of a way, especially as we live in an instant-information-and-gratification kind of culture. I don’t think we can be reminded of these things enough.
I also find that in the end, I have to learn to look to God for my recognition, because if I wait to be noticed for the unmeasurables, I am pretty miserable. That is something that life as a mother is teaching me. I don’t do what I do for the pats on the back…I do what I do because I know in my heart that this is where God wants me to be, and what He wants me to be doing.
Thanks for this post.
I just have to say that this is such a lovely post, Emily. It is so nice to hear this love and praise for your mother-in-law, when as you pointed out, there is so much of the opposite flying around in today’s world. I really appreciate hearing about families that do well, that love one another, and have good things to say. The reason I can’t give an anecdote is because this is not the case with my family, but it does give me comfort that I have the chance of creating it with my family (husband and children vs. parents and siblings). Thank you.
Great post, Emily! I’m so exhausted by doing “nothing all day.” This post was very good for me to hear this week. I appreciated your point of view. Sometimes “the quiet work of the world” seems very loud and chaotic to me. It’s nice to gain perspective.
Love it. Love it. love it.
I love this post. It reminds me of several of President Packer’s talks, on the strength of the ordinary members of the Church. There is nobility in the ordinary life–thanks for the reminder.
Oh wow, this just touches my heart. Mostly because I too love my mother in law who doesn’t always think the best of herself.
Great post Emily, I always love reading/listening to anything you have to say!