Last testimony meeting, one of my favorite people in our ward got up to talk. She cuts a bold figure into the crowd, statuesque, funny, lovely, an actress. When she got up to speak into the microphone, there was a palpable shift in the energy of the congregation as everyone sat up taller, eager to be enlightened, entertained, eager to hear what words she might impart.
Because she is so gifted a speaker and such a talented singer, she commands the room. You notice her, but more than that, you stare. And when she talks, you listen. It’s impossible not to.
Sisters stop her in the hall to chat; the youth clamor for her attention. When she taught Gospel Doctrine, I tried my very hardest to get a front row seat each week. She is just an amazing person all around and you can’t help but want to know her.
So it surprised me when she opened up her mouth to speak and these are the words that tumbled out: “I don’t know that my Heavenly Father loves me.” Appropriately she demurred that she didn’t want her testimony to become some type of therapy session, only that she hoped in someway, someday she might come to understand one of the most simply profound and beautiful aspects of the Gospel: God’s love.
It was puzzling: the disparity between the way her face glowed with what seemed nothing less than a perfect knowledge of this, and the words she spoke aloud. How could she not know when so much of her face seemed to suggest otherwise? How could she not feel it when she was able to impart of her love so freely?
How essential is this knowledge to our testimonies? I get the line upon line concept—too often I wary of pioneer stories myself and wonder over when the idea of trek might seem spiritually wonderful to me—but this? Knowing that your Heavenly Father loves you, shouldn’t that just be basic religion-in-general-101?
How interesting that this post comes. It’s a bit personal to share, but I never knew either, until this past May. Logically, I knew all the blessings I had were visual reminders of his love, but I couldn’t feel it and couldn’t believe that I was lovable. I talked to a friend of mine about it, and he made me promise to go home and put everything aside and only work on that until I knew. I fasted for three days, praying and studying the scriptures. I made a whole compilation of things said about love and God’s nature and us as children, etc. By the time I was done, I knew. This has started a lovely route of things as I now am more inclined to believe compliments, although they don’t matter because all that matters is what the Lord thinks of me. When I am clean before Him, that’s all I need and I can keep working towards being closer to Him. I love Him and I know He loves me and I think that makes all the difference in the world. Part of me wishes I could send my compilation to that woman, but another part of me knows that it is something she needs to work on herself.
I’ve always known, but I dated a guy a long time ago who had the hardest time beleiving that God could love him. He just thought he had messed up his life too much, and even though he had been repentent of everything, he still felt unloved. It took him years to feel loved, but when he finally did, he shared it with everyone! I’d never seen anybody so happy with the knowledge that he was loved by Heavenly Father, and this was strange to me because I just figured everyone knew — kind of like you in this post, you know?
Knowing intellectually is a very different thing from knowing and feeling it in your heart. I’ve run the gamut over my life as far as where on that continuum I am. At times, I just know. At others (particuarly during difficult times), I wonder how God could notice or care about me personally. I’m one of so many.
So I totally get that lady.
Amen to what the others have said. I think this is why too it is important, at least for me, to hear others’ testimonies. We all have areas of our testimonies that need to be developed, as well as areas that are strong. Hearing what others know, helps me have hope for what I may come to know in time. And I hope when I bear my testimony, it does the same for those listening.
I get her too, but it’s also because of certain doctrines (besides the having sinned, being one of many, etc).
I try to just not think about polygamy, but whenever I do, I think, how could a Heavenly Father love women and subject them to such a trial? Other trials, I get that they’re temporary or mortal or not the ideal circumstances but necessary during this life for growth, etc, but polygamy might be the ideal eternal lifestyle (or not, although it’s certainly allowed eternally, if not “ideal”), and it’s hard for me to reconcile that with a loving Heavenly Father.
(So for example, why would God allow loved ones to die or be handicapped or whatever can be answered by “it’s only temporary, and will be fixed in the eternities” but that doesn’t apply to polygamy).
Totally don’t want to turn this into a polygamy discussion, but that’s what comes to mind.
Feeling God’s love is something I have always struggled with. For me(at risk of turning this into a therapy session), it stems from a childhood where my mom was bitter and depressed, my dad was working constantly and I had no other relatives or adult friends to tell me I had value.
As parents we model God’s love for our children.
During a particularly rough spot as a little girl I had an experience where I knew, I literally KNEW that God loved me. That carried me through many years.
Still, I’ve wrestled with “Why would God love me?” most of my life. My dad now expresses his love freely but how I wish he’d done it when I was small!
I’ve had some experiences during the past year where God’s love for me was so evident that I can no longer deny it(is it silly that I feel vain saying I know God loves me?). I pray I can retain that knowledge and most especially, pass it on to my children.
P.S. jane– with infant boy mortality rates and young soldiers dying in wars throughout history I’m convinced that polygamy was merely a temporary trial and won’t carry over into the eternities.
Re: your question of how essential this is to our testimonies, for me it’s critical. I would say I could get bits of testimony without that knowledge, but to feel that “born again” joyful feeling, I had to know and feel God’s love.
As Annette wrote, knowing and feeling it are two different things. During some of my harder times, times when I don’t actively feel His love, I rely on the past memory of that feeling. But during those times, the joy is not there, and my testimony feels more like “going on faith” than on “knowing,” or at least there’s a kind of hollowness to the knowing.
“Knowing that your Heavenly Father loves you, shouldn’t that just be basic religion-in-general-101?”
Yes, but. It goes back to the knowing/feeling idea. A person can be taught it their whole life and not feel it. For me, the home I was raised in was pretty lonely. I didn’t feel loved, had pretty low self-esteem, and I think that naturally made it hard to feel God’s love.
Depression (which I have had periodically since high-school) can also block the ability to feel God’s love.
It would be interesting to hear more of what that Woman had to say.
I was raised with the idea of a stern, angry God (who, not all that surprisingly, was a lot like my stern, angry father), so it took me a long, long time to accept that God actually loved me even though I continually messed up. A LOOOOONG time. I was a performer/entertainer/great speaker as a teen and young adult. I’m not sure you would have known that I was completely convinced at the time that God was totally disgusted with me/done with me.
i guess i think that a stern god can be a loving god (and that the two ideas are not mutually exclusive), and that a loving god– in his infinite wisdom– can take away or keep things from us or give and give as he sees fit.
for me i tend to feel god’s love the most when i’m smack dab in the middle of the really hard trials. i don’t always feel worthy of it, but i feel it just the same.
I don’t think it’s unusual to have this struggle, or at least not unusual to rediscover God’s love. I think that is evidenced by the visiting teaching messages from a couple of years ago (ALL focused on feeling the love of God) and even this month’s lesson. There is a reason that “We are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him” is the first line in the YW theme. The RS declaration has a similar beginning: “We are beloved spirit daughters of God….”
I think this concept is both the gospel 101 and the most upper-level course in it, because really understanding and trusting that love is at the core of really becoming one with God, and learning to lean on Him above all else is not elementary gospel living, imo.
Thought provoking post. I suppose that is one thing I have never had a hard time feeling. I had an intense experience when I was 14 and ever since then I have *known* Heavenly Father and Jesus love me.
Now other parts of the gospel, it has been much harder for me to know. Or maybe know isn’t the right word…sometimes it’s just a struggle against apathy for me.
I’ve been thinking about testimonies in general lately and if they do have to be things we KNOW. Most of my testimony is based on faith, and lately I’ve been thinking the opposite of faith is not doubt, but rather knowledge– there is a lot of doubt in faith because you don’t know. Once the doubt is gone, you know it, and if you know something, you don’t need faith. That was very ramble-y . . .
Anyway, I think the concept that God loves us is very key, but I also think the finite knowledge isn’t the most important, but rather a desire to know or a faith in the concept is essential.
I think this also illustrates how important it is to openly share your struggles. I find it much more strengthening to hear that people I admire have questions too, rather than to just hear that everyone else’s lives are all just fine and dandy and full of knowledge.
My father was a very stern and distant man (still is), who was the “discipliner” in the home — if we screwed up, dad came down on us. So, for a very long time, that was my view of God — stern, distant, angry, vengeful, etc. There’s a Far Side cartoon that summed it up perfectly for me — the caption was “God at his computer” and there was God, ready to hit the “smite” button on some poor hapless person. At one point in my life, I was going through some serious struggles and pouring my heart out to the Lord, and I distinctly remember feeling what the scriptures describe as “being encircled in the arms of his love.” Since then, my view of God has changed radically. I totally agree with Michelle’s comment that as parents we model our kids’ relationship with God. (And it scares me!)
I will admit, this is probably something I took for granted. I knew this as a child, not as I understand it now. My prayers where simpler then, but I knew that he answered them and that he did so because he loved me.
As I got older things weren’t so simple and those prayers grew more complicated. The times that I felt that love, have also helped sustain me when it didn’t seem as overwhelmingly evident.
In response to the question about how critical it is to know that Heavenly Father loves you? I do think about this all the time. Being in Primary this year’s theme has also been “I Am a Child of God”. When we have so many who talk about how we’re losing YSA, Or YM/YW who seem to lose their way…. I have to wonder, if they knew this - really knew that they are a Child of God and that he loves them, would that happen? Would it give them a stronger base to help them weather those years? I know that I really wanted to try and help the children in Primary know that.
I do also understand how there are times when it’s harder to feel it though and I can identify with that. It’s just a very lonely place to be.
Courtney, I think what you said about faith and knowledge sounds a lot like what Alma said in these verses of Alma 32:
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Alma 32: 21, 26, 29, 34
21 And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
• • •
26 Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.
• • •
29 Now behold, would not this increase your faith? I say unto you, Yea; nevertheless it hath not grown up to a perfect knowledge.
• • •
34 And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant; and this because you know, for ye know that the word hath swelled your souls, and ye also know that it hath sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
——–
This whole thread is touching to me because it matters SO much that we know Heavenly Father loves us. I am one who has always known, but who regularly has to be reminded to feel it — I’m habitually hard on myself, and forget that God’s not like me in that way; that his unconditional love under-girds everything in His relationship to me (including His requirements that I improve myself.) I really think m&m said it very well with “I think this concept is both the gospel 101 and the most upper-level course in it.”
P.S. (Going further off topic,) Courtney, I think that doubt and faith are the same thing but with different attitudes — they are both a lack of knowledge, but faith is characterized by optimism, effort, hope, and desire, whereas doubt is characterized by pessimism, a lack of sincere inquiry, and a desire not to have to change or repent. I think people often speak of doubt as a positive thing, and what they mean is that it is good to question, consider, and learn; to challenge the areas of our ignorance — but all of those actions are more characteristic of faith than of doubt (in the sense that those terms are usually used in the scriptures and the Church.)
I have always felt that God loves me, much like I love my own children. But I often feel forgotten by Him. I guess I just feel like He leaves me alone to figure things out. I’m not the star of our eternal family, nor am I the big troublemaker. I’m the humankind equivalent of the quiet middle child that everybody forgets about. That sounds really pathetic, but I don’t know how else to say it.
My patriarchal blessing is barely four paragraphs, and every time I get a blessing at some important juncture of my life, it’s very brief and to the point. I’ve always felt like I have great faith, so maybe I’m not the kind of person who needs a lot of hand holding and direction in every little thing. It’s still hard not to feel neglected day to day. I don’t know of I’m just not spiritual enough to feel super special all the time. Or maybe it’s all in my head. I honestly don’t know .
Jennie! My patriarchal blessing sounds like yours. And I’ll admit that it has always been a symbol to me of being unimportant in God’s eyes. But now I look at it as more of a reflection of the patriarch rather than of God’s love for me(is that heresy?).
The truth is– and we all know this– God’s love for each of us is infinite and eternal, more brilliant and pure than we can possibly comprehend.
What a great thread, thanks for sharing your experiences and testimonies with me.
Until I read this post I never realized that I feel the love of God and the spirit are synonymous. When I kneel to pray about the strugglings of my heart and the pains of my life the Comforter comes. WIth the comforter comes instant reminder of God’s love for me, it gives me extra strength and the ability to endure. The peace that surpatheth understanding. That is how I feel now so my memory can be blurry and forgetful that it really hasn’t always been that way.
Most often when I don’t feel loved by God it is because I am not maintaining my relationship with him. Although during severe bouts of depression the veil between my God and I seems impermeable. The knowledge that he loves me has been sucked into a black hole leaving me to wonder if I ever believed he loved me. Thankfully it has been a long time since I have felt that way.
Another way I feel the Lord’s love is through service. When I serve others I feel help and encouragement from above, knowing that He wants me to do my best because of how much He loves them. Then I feel priviledged to be so loved and a part of his great work.
This is a great post. I struggle with God’s love as personal versus general/universal. It just seems impossible. But I would say that jendoop’s comment makes total sense, that the Spirit is how we feel God’s love. That rings true to me.
I grew up with very loving, very affectionate, complimentary, encouraging parents. So, it may not always be what your parents(father) are like.
I wonder, Brooke, if you feel you have been duped/tricked by this lady? Like all along you thought she had a solid testimony and now you think she doesn’t?
I grew up with an abusive mother and this is a big struggle for me. I have a hard time comprehending unconditional love. In our home our worth was solely dependent upon what we could do and accomplish. I never grew up feeling that I had intrinsic value. As an adult I’ve gained such an appreciation for what I can be when I allow myself to recognize my worth as a child of God. My main goal as a parent is to teach my children to know that they are a Child of God and Heavenly Father loves them. I think that plays a BIG part in the choices they make because they recognize their worth. One of my daily goals is to recognize the love of the Lord in my life. Even if it is just by being grateful that I can be a mother, I can stay home, a beautiful sunset, etc. Noticing that in little ways I am always being cared for by my Father in Heaven. I also periodically re-read the talk “The Other Prodigal” by Elder Holland. It plays into what Jennie was talking about.
Just one thought about the whole “we learn God’s love through our parents.” I agree that this can definitely set the stage one way or the other, but I think it’s important not to lock into that, for two reasons:
1) We can break free of bad patterns from our childhood.
2) We WILL make mistakes as parents, and so our children will need to learn how to find God’s love in spite of us, even as we hope some of that can be because of what we did and taught.
I’m not suggesting that anyone was saying otherwise, but sometimes I have felt almost paralyzed by the fact that I was it. And I’m not. I can teach my kids along the way that I’m trying to do my best, but that in the end, God’s love is constant, perfect, and neverending. He doesn’t get tired or cranky, and they need to know that for all my effort, I will fail them, and that needs to be ok, and can be as they learn to turn to God.
And I need to remember that, too, for people fail me sometimes, too, and sometimes I put too much on what others do, rather than really turning to God for my sense of worth and for that source of constant love and help.
Very well said, m&m.
growing up i assumed that since he clearly loved other people, i must be loved too, even though the homelife was pretty rough. but i didn’t feel it or know it the way some people have described.
the first time i knew that anyone on earth loved me was when i turned fourteen and a new sister in my ward was called to be my mia maid teacher. she literally saved me with the simple fact that i knew someone loved me. it was enough to keep me hanging in there. i did it for her.
as an adult, i can look back and count a number of times when i felt a kind of closeness, or awareness of god’s awareness of me. but most of the time it’s the god-like service and love of people in my path that keep me cognizant of his mindfulness.
all through this i just figure it’s my fault i’m not more aware, more connected. that i have miles to walk before i get to that point where i feel his divine love. still, i suspect it’s all around me, and that all the good in my life is his way of manifesting his love for me. sunsets, pretty birds and flowers, comments on my blog, nutella, kids being sweet, music, the sound of the creek, the smell of the woods…that’s how i remember Him, and the fact that they reach part of me is His daily reminder of his love for me.
at least that’s what i tell myself. ♥
Woops. My baby just deleted my comment. I guess I’ll try again : ).
Zina, I loved your insights on faith and doubt. Hope you don’t mind that I put your comment on my blog.
I think it is true that when you feel the Spirit you can feel God’s love. Thanks for sharing that insight. It is hard to be consistent in my belief that God loves me because I am inconsistent in my connections to Him through prayer. When I do have true prayers where I pour out my heart to Him, I have greater faith in his love for me. I recently reread the story of the brother of Jared. It was a great reminder of the power of prayer and faith–and the need to keep praying even if you were good at praying before.
Thanks for your great comments. You are wonderful women!
If this is what Mormon women (and maybe some women of other faiths?) are talking about in their daily lives, I have great hope for the future.