So, is tattling on your naughty list? Can you even stand it when your kids come wailing into a room, crying out the horrible mis-deeds foisted upon them by another, clearly guilty, sibling?
I hate it.
I hate the manipulative nature of it; I hate the way tattling is used as a tool to inflict yet more pain. But, I gotta tell you, I think tattling is important.
Really, now. The grown up world doesn’t work the way we ask the child world to work. In the grown up world, if I see someone commit a crime, I am under legal and moral obligation to report it as loudly and clearly as possible. If I see someone berating and belittling another person, I feel obligated to at least work to diffuse the situation, if not outright step in.
Yet, for some reason, I daily reprimand my children for being a tattle. I think I do it mostly because it soooo grates on my nerves.
When does this change? When does tattling lose its taboo status, and enter the realm of expected adult behavior? In High School, bullying can become life changing. It can become a debilitating and painful therapy-inducing burden. “Tattling” can become empowering. It can bring much needed adult help to a situation. Speaking out can bring power to an otherwise helpless circumstance.
Clearly adults tattle all the time. Reputations of honesty and hard work, or conversely of dishonesty and lechery circulate amoungst us. We rely upon the well placed judgements of others. We rely upon the trusted warnings of others. So not only do we expect other adults to tattle and report crimes, we expect “the good word” or “the word of warning” to flow.
The real world doesn’t work in a secretive vacuum. So, why do I expect my kids to operate in one? Why am I leaving them to battle the winds of unkindness and hurt alone?
I never told my kids not to tattle. I think it is important to know what’s going on. If there is alot of baseless complaining I say “Don’t play with them if they are no fun to play with” or to the perp “Stop tormenting her”
As high schoolers when they tell me that so and so is doing drugs or having sex or other dangerous behavior I always say, “Have you told the counselor so someone can help them?” I have told the counselor once myself when it was really dangerous and hidden behavior. At least one of my kids has done the right thing and told so the other child could get help.
It is sometimes uncomfortable to know things but if you can help by telling you should. If a crime is committed that should also be reported. Some crimes (like child abuse) need several reports so a case can be built.
Oh good grief!!! That last sentence tries to paint a picture of you as a cold and horrible parent who allows awful things to befall your children. Don’t be so hard on yourself. That’s not the truth at all. If it were you certainly wouldn’t be worried about any of this and you certainly wouldn’t be blogging about it.
Few of us, as parents, are so perfect and wonderful that we are in danger of being translated at any possible moment. We struggle and we make mistakes, some small and some not so small.
Remember this, by tattling at a young age children are seperating themselves from their siblings. By not validating every little tattle that comes along, you are also enforcing a small amount of “try working it out between yourselves” syndrome. Which is obviously an incredibly powerful tool for people to have. When I was in junior high I didn’t stop getting bullied until I stepped up to the plate and took matters into my own hands. That was a VERY empowering moment for me.
So, keep in mind the other side of the coin and maybe you won’t feel so guilty for getting annoyed and (after determining no one is bleeding or psychologically damaged) in letting the tattler try and work through the problem on their own.
My kids are only allowed to tattle if someone or something is getting seriously hurt. Mostly stuff that they try to tattle about is not serious and is at the level that they can problem solve themselves. I don’t want to know about every tiny infraction that kids can dream up. However, I do spend time teaching them problem solving and negotiation skills to use in those situations.
yes, it’s true….tattling, to me, implies that a child is exaggerating an otherwise innocent situation…or even trying to cover up his own error by putting on a drama show about another child.
However, there are always exceptions, and–regardless of the manipulative-ness or actual seriousness of the situation..it’s a great teaching time, as says Angie.
We try to help our kids make the distinction between “reporting” and “tattling.”
Are you reporting a genuine problem so that someone doesn’t get hurt or are you trying to get someone in trouble?
There’s a big difference between the two.
Good point, Sharlee, although tattling annoys me no end. I always say the kid making the most noise is going to annoy me the most.
On the other hand, I tend to tattle a lot. So I probably annoy my elders a lot, as well.
I wish adults “tattled” more. I almost feel like it’s the opposite. Sure if it’s something obvious like drugs or violent/criminal behavior then yes we are encouraged to report such behavior, but something like lying (which is just as serious IMO and depending on the severity can be very damaging) you have to be careful because YOU could come off looking looney/suspicious.
My kids don’t get it trouble for tattling. Teachers of course can’t listen to complaints all day long. That’s where my kids learned tattling was “bad.”
However, I do punish them for fighting. Usually there isn’t one culprit. How can I possibly by judge and jury for every little tiny thing? Who did what to whom and in what order.
If I witness something out of line, I punish the perp.
The most successful thing for me is to punish them both for “fighting” if I hear them fighting. I read it in a magazine article and it made the fighting go WAY down.
Cont.
I don’t hear a lot of tattling, but some of what my kids do tell me are things I definitely want to hear! So I have never told them not to. But I guess they probably don’t tattle a lot of little things because if its nothing to concern me, I just ask them if they both need to be punished for fighting or if they are done fighting.