My mother is petite and has sewed her entire life, making suits and other perfectly tailored items of clothing, to fit her small frame. Over the years she assembled a large number of beautiful hand-crafted clothes. A friend of mine, a recently divorced single mom, was about to enter the workforce for the first time in twenty years. She had no money with which to buy a professional wardrobe. When I told my mother about my friend, my mom volunteered to clear out her closet and furnish this friend with a dozen tailored outfits. I brought the clothes to my friend and we spent several hours going through the clothes–wool, lined, expertly finished items. My friend was over joyed. She tried on outfit after outfit, expressing her gratitude profusely. I offered to take a few back if she didn’t need or want them. Oh no, I was assured, she needed them all! Are you sure, I said, I can take some back if you don’t need them. Oh no! I need them all!
A week later my mom called me.
“I’ve been to DI”
“Oh yeah?” I said, as DI trip isn’t out of the norm for her.
“All my beautiful suits were there on the racks.”
I didn’t answer for a minute.
“I couldn’t believe it. All those hours I spent sewing those clothes. And to see them on the racks at DI…I wanted to buy them back! They were my long hours of hard work, I love those clothes,” her voice broke.
I started apologizing, profusely.
“I thought you said these were going to someone who really needed them, that they were going someplace that they would be used.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“If she didn’t want them, she didn’t have to give them to DI, she could have given them back!”
“I offered to take any that she didn’t want back, but she wanted to keep them all.”
“I started going through the racks, I figured I’d just buy them all back from DI.”
“I am so sorry, mom,” I said, running through my head how quickly I could get to DI to buy them out of my own pocket rather than to see my mother heartbroken.
I called my friend and asked her what happened. She told me that she had a different friend to whom she re-gifted some of the clothes because she, too, was re-entering the workforce. The third friend must have donated these items to DI, she reasoned. I said, “But if you didn’t want them, why didn’t you tell me? I would have taken them back, I even offered to take them back! My mom regularly shops at DI and it is killing her that that is where her clothes are.” Oh no, I was assured, it was this third friend, someone I’d never heard of before or since, who did the donating.
I was not the one offended, by my mom was heartbroken. I was upset for her, I wanted an apology for her.
Trespass against me and it’s a normal process of forgiveness. Trespass against those I love, and that loyalty has to coexist with forgiveness; don’t cross the ones I love. When the Savior asked us to turn the other cheek, to love those that spitefully use us, is it harder to apply that counsel if we’re leap-frogging the cheek turning? It’s harder for me, at least. The indignation and the need to protect the ones I love from pain, puts my capacity to forgive to the test. I know that parents often feel the same way for the sake of the offenses that their children encounter. Could it be part of our progression to learn how to leap-frog our forgiveness?
Honestly, forgiving that friend of mine was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Remembering that catch in my mother’s voice still brings me low with sadness. I can’t say that the friendship between this woman and I has ever quite been the same. We continued to be friends, but slowly drifted away from each other for many other reasons. However, I learned that sometimes forgiving others for the pain they cause our loved ones is harder than enduring offenses to ourselves. Leap-frogging forgiveness is a process that I am still striving to accept and perfect.
that gives a whole new meaning to the term: “one man’s trash is ANOTHER man’s treasure.”
i’m sorry for you both.
I feel like this is such an acute lesson for me as I watch my children struggle with bullies and the like. I am somewhat surprised by how much I’d like to punch some of these bullies in the gut (or maybe their parents!) Yet as I watch my children move on and repair relationships, I wonder why it’s still so difficult for me. I’ve seen how much pain others have caused them, and I just hurt knowing that I can’t entirely assuage it.
But watching my children forgive has been a really good lesson for me.
I should clarify that this incident was hardly the end of our friendship. She was in my house just the other day and we had a marvelous time catching up and sharing our lives.
I would, however, definitely say that this incident was a turning point in our relationship. Although we were still friends, it was hard for me to let go of the hurt I felt–which is unlike me. I think, in my life, forgiving the person who hurts my friend is so much more difficult. I have encountered this challenge many times, from several friend’s divorces, to my friend’s bullies. You’d think that one of these days I’d learn!
I think this is in a category all it’s own…forgiving others is one thing (still rather difficult for me), but forgiving others who messed with your family (or friends) that’s a different story. I’m not sure what it is, but there is something that runs very deep when it comes to protecting the ones we love. I guess sometimes I feel like, “hurt me, I can take it. I can get over it, but what I can’t get over is seeing someone I love hurt.”
I, for one, am grateful for how fiercely you protect your friends, perhaps especially when an attempt is being made by vendors from the south to take advantage of said friends.
Your loyalty and sincere caring is one of my treasures.
I am appalled… how could… where do people… I know you’re over this but I’m rather angry. I already know I have the challenge of forgiveness…but it’s even more magnified when my loved ones…especially my mother, is wronged. Hell hath no fury. Good for you that you came through all that.
…I’m still muddling through it.
I get really annoyed at how ungrateful people are and how good people often suffer at the hands of imbeciles. I guess I just get tired… tired of being patient, kind and thoughtful to people who are constantly irritating, selfish and obnoxious.
They drain me of all joy.
It’s a good thing my brother got divorced while on my mission (8 years ago) and I’ve never even seen his x-wife since then. I’m not sure I’d be able to forgive her so I’ll keep on just not dealing with it cause I don’t have to.
I’ve been required to do the leap-frogging forgiveness and it was very hard.
It was however much, much harder when it was I who was in the position (not by my knowledge or choice) to be the in between frog who was jumped past!
I needed the forgiveness of another.
Just another paradigm, not to dim your hurt.
I once had a difficult and complicated experience, that I won’t get into details with, but basically against many loved ones advice, I chose to not take action against some individuals who had wronged me, and simply forgive. This decision was made because of a beautiful and sacred understanding that came during prayer. Just after I made my decision, a friend called to see what I was going to do. As I was trying to explain my choice and the reason for it, she, obviously questioning my inspiration, reminded me that even Jesus brandished a whip and openly expressed His anger. I knew I had made the right decision, but after I got off the phone I knelt and asked Heavenly Father about this. His answer came in the form of a question. “Who was Jesus defending?” The only scriptural account of Jesus displaying His anger is done in defense of His Father and His House. I believe in forgiveness with all of my heart. I also believe that when someone we cherish is hurt by another, it may be appropriate and even necessary when prompted by the Spirit for us to use the anger we feel to rise up and defend and protect our loved ones.
I know that she is still your friend and I admire your ability to forgive her and still maintain a friendship. However, I believe something like this says a lot about someone’s integrity. It’s really disappointing and sad. Has she ever apologized?
It’s a challenge. It is, it is. I’ve done leap-frogging. I’ve struggled with it. It’s a process.
Something that just came to mind was a question about how often in my own life has ingratitude or insensitivity turned me into the person who didn’t value the hand-tailored suits, so to speak. I’d like to think that I have never been nor ever will be that person, but I’m afraid I’ve done things that stupid and worse, and likely still have some more humbling lessons ahead. I’m grateful to anybody who is gracious enough, like you were, Carina, to extend forgiveness to me when I am careless with another’s feelings or needs.
I need to be gracious. I walk around like a bull in a china shop for much of my life. If I can’t extend forgiveness, how is it fair to ask people to extend their forgiveness to me–and I am often in need of it?
My husband is a great example of forgiveness.
Someone close to him stole a large sum of money from him that he had been saving up for a long time. Many years later, he came into some money and the first thing he did with it was willingly GIVE the same amount of money to that same person.
It was his way of forgiving that person.
On the other hand, whenever we go to a family function and my husband sees my aunt’s ex-husband there, he always says the same thing, “I’ve got a bat in the car. Let’s beat the hell out of Uncle *** in the parking lot. Who’s with me?” He barely knows my aunt and doesn’t know her ex-husband at all, but he knows that he did her wrong and that’s enough for him.
Why mercy in his own life and justice in the lives of those he loves? I think it’s a struggle we all deal with and I don’t have any answers.
I can relate. Why my sister’s husband treated her badly, and she came to me, upset and crying, SHE forgave him, but I had a hard time forgiving him. Partly because I was sure he would treat her badly again, and he did.
But even when someone is sincere, I am wary. Not angry, but wary. I guess that’s not really a forgiveness issue though, more a carefulness issue.