41 Responses to “My Heart Transplant”

1. chanson
   May 13th, 2009 @ 5:49 am

   I know how you feel. I lived in a number of different states growing up and I liked them all. But I actually felt more “at home” in France (after moving to Europe as an adult).

2. Leslie
   May 13th, 2009 @ 6:09 am

   I came to New England with a 7 year plan but hey I am still here. It grows on you. I sometimes go to other, warmer, more convientient places and feel some longing but I then am reminded of the contentment I feel with my current package. So bring on the pizz-er and sod-er

3. Julie P
   May 13th, 2009 @ 6:10 am

   Your essay has made me move from tearing up to full weeping. We’ve been in Utah for 3 years now after moving from our HOME near San Francisco. Many times, my husband has heard my beg to move back (and daily every February). Right now, he’s interviewing for a job back at home, and while I first was giddy, now I’m mixed and even sad. Are we done here? Really ready to go back? Do we have a new home in Utah? Right now the questions have no answers.

4. Josi
   May 13th, 2009 @ 6:37 am

   I didn’t get far from ‘home’ and I’m still in Utah, but when we left the city for pure country we laid in bed those first few weeks and wondered what he had done to ourselves. The smells. The bugs. The farm people. They aren’t from Boston, but they own H-arse-es and there’s a Crick running through town. It took us a long time, probably due to our pride more than anything, but now we are anticipating a necessary move and my heart clenches in my chest. I can’t imagine leaving–my heart has embraced this life, this place, and these people. I hold on to the notion that the Lord will lead us to the right place–your essay confirms that. I just need to make sure I’m paying attention to the answers (not always my strong suit). This was a beautiful post, thanks.

5. Amy Jo
   May 13th, 2009 @ 6:49 am

   We’re so glad you’re back. This was a beautiful post, thanks for sharing. I love New England!

6. Ruth
   May 13th, 2009 @ 6:50 am

   After 3 years of begging to move back to Utah, I finally accept and now love living in Michigan. I was so glad to read your post and see how your heart was transplanted as well. It used to kill me inside that I was missing out on my siblings lives in Utah and that they were missing out on my daughters life. Somehow, it’s not so bad anymore. My daughter has the love of her parents, and our ward loves her like family. So, she has what she needs.

   And it’s nice not being able to be involved in any family squabbles that I probably would have caused…ha ha

7. Tiffany W.
   May 13th, 2009 @ 7:10 am

   We really need to arrange some type of Segullah meet-up for all the women who live in New York, Connecticut, Massachusets. I live in New York and would love to meet you all! And it seems that there are enough of us, that it would be a worthwhile event to organize!

   Anyhow, home for me was Wyoming. But I always wanted to fly from there. Not that I didn’t love the mountains, or the solitude or wildness of the place. But I hated the narrow attitudes, the lack of exposure to different races and cultures. So even though I loved my home, I always wanted to live somewhere else. Even now, the thought of living in Wyoming makes me feel like I would be putting myself back in a box. When I moved to Utah, to go to school at BYU, I felt my wings spread a bit. But it wasn’t until my husband and I moved to Sweden that I really began to FLY. Sweden became my home, even though there is not a drop of Swedish blood pumping through my veins. Now I’m back in the U.S., living in New York–far from family and my old homes. And I feel so odd, like a duck out of water. The transition back to my home country has been hard. Now we’ll probably move in 8 months to some unknown place. And I find myself reeling, trying to find a sense of home.

   I’m trying to focus less on locale as being home and more on things that make home for me: my family, familar loved items, adventures and finding beauty in every place I live.

8. al
   May 13th, 2009 @ 7:19 am

   Thank you!

   I’m sitting here surrounded by boxes crying my eyes out. We are moving “home” to WA after 6 years away (for school), problem being, this is home now.

   I’ve been telling myself that home has nothing to do with walls and windows but it’s about being together with my husband and two boys–even if that’s at my MIL’s house for the next month till we find a place. *fresh round of tears*

   But thanks, I needed this post today, more than you know.

9. cheryl
   May 13th, 2009 @ 7:54 am

   I am from Idaho and always wanted to live there, but I have never gone back –and I doubt we ever will (unless my husband suddenly decides farming is for him!). We have lived in Utah since the day we married EXCEPT! for one whole year in the Bay Area (San Francsico).
   And I miss it terribly.
   Truth be told, I want to live everywhere. When we had the choice to move back to Utah or to Boston, I desperately wanted the answer to be Boston! But it was not.
   And so now, another year later, living in Utah, I’m trying to remember all the things I love about living here –and I do. If we ended up here for the rest of our lives, I’ve decided that it would be fine –happy, even!
   But still –in the back of my mind and my heart –I’d like to try out some other places for a while. Or move back to the Bay Area! That place was pure heaven to me…

10. Jenny
    May 13th, 2009 @ 8:36 am

    (cue music) BOSTON.YOU’RE.MY.HOME!!
    I couldn’t imagine you anywhere but the farm.
    I’m so glad the transplant was successful.
    I learned that same hard lesson as a teenager, moving from Denver to Boston… saved all my money during the first year, and flew back the next summer.
    It’s not really a lesson that anyone else can teach you. GREAT!POST!

11. FoxyJ
    May 13th, 2009 @ 8:38 am

    This is funny because right now we’re preparing to move back to Utah after a few years away. My husband and I grew up in other places (Hawaii and California), but met up at BYU and stayed there for several years. We spent many of those years wanting to get away and have spent the last three years in other cities. We still have extended family in Utah, and my MIL moved there last year, and every time we visited we felt like it was ‘home’ and we missed it. We had been looking around for jobs here, and then one night ‘confessed’ to each other that we just wanted to live in Utah! We’re still surprised at ourselves. So in a few weeks we’re moving back “home” to Utah, which is weird for me because I was so sure I was a California girl. I guess if you live anywhere long enough it will become home.

12. Merry Michelle
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:10 am

    When I looked out the plane window at the enormous, towering mountains of Utah–I was baffled. They weren’t green–they were BROWN. I was coming from Virginia–I knew green. I had no idea what people found appealing and where were all the black people? It was culture shock to say the least.

    Then I went to high school. EVERYONE was Mormon, and they were all so NICE. You didn’t have to hold your breath in the bathroom because people weren’t hiding and smoking. You didn’t have to move out of the way for a drug bust in the halls. And the “graffiti” on the bathroom stalls revealed who loved who–no profanity. But I still didn’t claim “Utah” as home.

    Now, I’m raising my own family here. I love the snow-capped mountains–I can even tell you which way is EAST! I love the reds and oranges of the dessert–it IS beautiful. I still wish for more international families (though I do visit teach a Chinese woman–yay!), but I have to admit that I love it here. My family’s here and I’m home.

13. Tay
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:16 am

    My Entire Family lives in Arizona. And I’m in Utah. This was SO not the plan. I was supposed to go to BYU and move back when I graduated, married or no. Well, the husband got a good steady job and by the time I graduated, the economy had tanked, we bought a house, and his job promoted him. And the more I think about it, the less I want to leave the low crime rate, my fabulous ward, and the place that finally feels like home. In addition to this, whenever my husband talks about “when” we move to AZ and he gets another job, I shut him down. It not longer has the pull of home. We travel there often enough that I don’t get homesick for it any more. And thinking about moving back just kills me. Home is no longer where I grew up. How weird.

14. Marisa
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:20 am

    I absolutely love this. I secretly wished for a couple of years that we’d get our taste of living outside of Utah and move back, but I am happy to have a new home. Thankfully, we can visit and that is all I need for now. I wish we could get together in our beloved land of Bountiful and visit again but you are in your home in Boston and I am in mine in the Bay Area. We’ll be visiting Utah this summer, will you?

15. Amira
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:21 am

    My husband and I both grew up in Utah, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore, not really, except to visit. We did have a happy year there recently, though. But that was enough.

    Home really is where my family is (my *immediate* family), no matter where we are in the world. Our hearts are in Central Asia and that will be home, if we can get back there, as long as my husband and children are all with me.

16. Ellen
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:27 am

    I loved your post!! I moved to Boston 21 years ago sight unseen and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. People always ask me at Christmastime if I’m going “home” for Christmas and I always say, “I’m staying here; this is home.” I have wonderful Boston friends (including YOU!) and have loved living in this part of the world. Home is where I hang my quilt!

17. she-bop
    May 13th, 2009 @ 9:33 am

    My life has been just the opposite. I didn’t grow up in Utah. I grew up all over the place. I went to BYU, met hubbie, he graduated, and we swore we would never live in Utah again. After moving back to So. Cal. (where he grew up) and finally acknowledging it wasn’t really working financially, we started looking for jobs. Anywhere. But Utah.

    And yet here we are right smack dab in the middle of Provo, Utah. I had to eat my words. And I love it. We have been here 15 years now, and if anyone would have told me then just how much I would grow to love it, I would have laughed in their face. Isn’t life strange?

18. Melissa M.
    May 13th, 2009 @ 10:16 am

    she-bop, your story sounds just like mine. When I was a student at BYU, I wanted to return to California to live after I graduated; I never even considered living in Provo, or anywhere in Utah, for that matter. I thought it would be depressing to live here. I married a boy from California and we settled in Laguna Beach–which I absolutely loved. I thought we were set. But after two years my husband’s work took him to Provo–seriously, Provo? I fought the move tooth and nail. But somehow here we are, nineteen years later, and I’m content. I still can’t believe, however, that I have ended up raising my children right here in Provo.

19. corktree
    May 13th, 2009 @ 10:30 am

    I was a California girl who said she would never move to Utah or Idaho. So after a crazy year at BYU I applied to school in Boston and off I went. I loved it enough to fulfill the prophecies of my family by marrying a New Englander and there I stayed for 5 years. After he converted, his father (not a member) got a job out at Micron in Boise. His parents moved and we were left with no relatives in the area, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have family. Our ward in New Hampshire was a mixture of New England natives and transplants from Utah and Idaho. Since they mostly had no relatives themselves we became each other’s family and it is still the most amazing ward I have been in. Funny thing is, we moved to Boise 3 years ago to get within affordable driving distance of all the grandparents (I dislike flying immensely), and I’ve had to swallow my silly California girl pride more than once when I say that I live in Idaho. I’m not sure where home is for us yet. Boise is beautiful in the Spring but I still miss the East Coast terribly (not the humidity and bugs!), and Boise just doesn’t feel like “the place” yet. Maybe you have to be faced with leaving to know how you feel about staying.

20. cheryl
    May 13th, 2009 @ 10:34 am

    she-bop and Melissa M.–
    Ha! You are describing my husband. He’s from Southern CA, and we always thought we’d end up there. And the one year we lived in CA? It was up North. Oh, the irony!

21. kelleyn
    May 13th, 2009 @ 10:39 am

    Home for us is here in Georgia. When we first moved here we throught people were going to be uneducated and backwards. We thought our children would begin to speak funny. Just the opposite was to be true, and to tell you the truth I think the people here in Georgia are the friendliest. When are moving truck pulled up 20 minutes later our neighbor came over with a plate of cookies and lemonade.

22. Sarah
    May 13th, 2009 @ 10:56 am

    I grew up in Southern CA (San Clemente) but also moved to GA when I was a teenager. I remember being devastated by having to move to the south. Even after living here for a few years I refused to say y’all. (We moved to the suburbs north of Atlanta and it turns out their schools were ahead of ours in CA and I had to get a tutor just so I could keep up – who knew?)

    Well, here I am a grown married women with a child and would absolutely die if we ever had to move. My husband knows that no money would be worth leaving the south and I would rather take a pay cut than have to move. Isn’t it funny how you can become so attached to a place? I think it’s wonderful how different places can be “home” to different people. I think Utah is the perfect example; people can’t imagine living anywhere else and others would never even consider living there.

23. jenny
    May 13th, 2009 @ 11:16 am

    ~ “Maybe you have to be faced with leaving to know how you feel about staying.”

    A metaphor for life and all its many twists, turns and changes?

    Lovely post.

24. Laura Gilbert
    May 13th, 2009 @ 11:17 am

    I know exactly what you mean…when we first left Washington to move to Massachusetts I thought I had just moved to a foreign country BUT a year later I found myself “at home” on the east coast. You can’t help but fall in love with New England and I can’t wait to go back. Now that we are back on the west coast it makes me miss it even more! My heart belongs there too

25. Kellie
    May 13th, 2009 @ 11:18 am

    I grew up in Alaska, have lived in Idaho, Utah, Washington DC AND Moscow Russia, Tokyo Japan and now Valletta Malta. Yeah, all over the world. Alaska will be home because that is where I began. Utah will be home because that is where our family began. Moscow continues to hold a special place in our hearts, we will return one day. Our home is where we are together as a family. We will move for the rest of our lives, and I take great comfort in knowing that 1. We are supposed to move often and 2. Heavenly Father will guide us to where He wants us to be, and therefore will help make it home.

26. Justine
    May 13th, 2009 @ 11:21 am

    I felt that way about moving to Utah – I did NOT want to come. Michigan was home. But now, I’m quite content here.

    Funny how that happens…

27. Shelah
    May 13th, 2009 @ 11:28 am

    Hi Laura! Good to see you again!

    I was lucky enough to spend most of my childhood (from 4-19) living in Connecticut. We actually lived in two different houses, but they were only three blocks apart. When I was at BYU, my parents moved to Iowa, then to Chicago, then to rural western Minnesota. I got married right after college graduation, and for the last 12 years, my DH and I have also moved quite a bit– spending four years in St. Louis, three in Minnesota (not when my parents lived there) and the last four in Houston.

    My DH finishes his medical training next month, and over the last year, we had to decide where we were going to put down roots. After a dozen years away from family, with a husband who is often gone, I was eager to be near relatives. My DH comes from a long line of Utah stock, and I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that we decided to settle down in Utah (although we’ll be in Salt Lake, 45 minutes from the closest family members). If my parents lived in a place where I thought they’d stay long-term, I probably would have been inclined to look for jobs near them. Now I just hope that the decide to move to Utah when my dad retires.

28. Giggles
    May 13th, 2009 @ 12:13 pm

    People keep asking me where I’m from. I’m from wherever I happen to be living at the time, but that doesn’t seem like a good answer for about 99% of the people. So I’ve started telling people I’m from heaven.

    My family moved every 4 or 5 years growing up (and no, we were NOT military, we just moved). Home was where we were. And going back for a visit always reminded us that we didn’t live in the old place any more.

    Just like in life you can move forward but not back, I think the same is true of where you live, you can move on, but you can never move back.

29. Janssen
    May 13th, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

    I live in Texas right now and, despite never having been here until we moved, I love it more than anywhere on earth now. I am so sad to be leaving.

    We are moving to Boston in the fall and I’m really excited to be going there, despite my heartbreak at leaving Texas.

30. annie
    May 13th, 2009 @ 12:50 pm

    Oh, timing. We have lived in Boston for 14 years (with a stint in DC in between). Generally we love it here (I’m with Jenny on the singing “Boston you’re my home”) but recently I have felt pangs of loneliness for family and long-time friends in the west. Being nearer as our parents age.

    So what did I do this morning? Look up real estate in Utah. Next? I read your post! I guess it’s the “bloom where you’re planted” philosophy for me

31. Michelle in AR
    May 13th, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

    This was my favorite Segullah post in a long time! I loved it!
    I can definitely relate to the migration of that home feeling. I felt like a complete freak when we moved here to central AR. It took me months to really make connections in the ward, but the ward is so spread out I still felt very isolated.
    Now almost 5 years later I hate the thought of leaving. My husband is applying for jobs and I can already feel the heartstrings wrenching. . . .
    Maybe 5 years is the magic amount.

32. Michelle Glauser
    May 13th, 2009 @ 1:23 pm

    People are ALWAYS asking me when I’m going to move back home, from Salt Lake and from Germany. What if Leipzig is my home?

33. Sue
    May 13th, 2009 @ 2:37 pm

    My husband and I grew up and met in Las Vegas, and most of our family lives there, but it never felt like the right place for us. One day before we had kids we took a trip to Salt Lake and ended up getting off the freeway and driving up toward the canyon, through Highland. We liked it so much that we drove around for a while, looking at the vacant lots full of sunflowers and all of the huge trees. We talked about living somewhere “just like that” someday, but in an “it will never really happen” way. Our jobs were in Vegas, and I couldn’t imagine ever really being able to move.

    A few years later we moved to that very spot. Who knows where life will take us in the future, but Highland feels like home. We really love it here – the people, the neighborhood, the mountains. I really hope we’ll be able to raise our kids here – to stay in this little spot until they’re at least done with high school.

    Even if we have to move away at some point, a little piece of my heart will definitely always be here.

34. Michelle L.
    May 13th, 2009 @ 4:00 pm

    OK, I’m feeling like a circus freak here. Isn’t there anyone else who desperately wants to move out of state but has never had the opportunity?

35. Leslie
    May 13th, 2009 @ 4:52 pm

    Michelle we’ll totally take you back here- we’re always recruiting!I think we need to look a little harder for some “opportunities” for you.

36. Paula
    May 13th, 2009 @ 5:57 pm

    I think the reason so many people are commenting about being happy NOT living in Utah is that, in my experience, those who live in Utah can’t fathom that “the rest of us” aren’t just dying to move to Utah too. T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U for this post. It beautifully shows that members everywhere can flourish and bloom where we’re planted, not just in Utah.

37. Jennie
    May 14th, 2009 @ 6:55 am

    I grew up in Michigan and went to the same elementary school as my dad, but it still never felt like home. I’ve only been back a couple of times since I graduated from high school.

    I’ve moved all over the country trying to figure out where “home” is for me. I thought it would be Utah, since I’d gone to BYU and have so many relatives there. Turns out I hated it and couldn’t wait to get out of there. On a whim we came down to Austin, Texas and fell madly in love. So my husband applied for jobs in Austin until he found one. And here we are. The kids really, really miss Utah, but I LOVE TEXAS!

    I finally found my home.

38. Becky Orton
    May 14th, 2009 @ 7:50 am

    I LOVE hearing this story, it never gets old. Probably because we are SO happy to have you here on the East Coast. This is MY home too. I have always loved it. We are glad that you are here to stay.

39. Faith Not Fear
    May 14th, 2009 @ 9:24 am

    When we moved from California to Washington, my kids complained that the apples weren’t as good in Washington, not knowing that our California apples were from Washington!

    When we moved from Washington to Utah, they mourned the loss of great times in Washington, not realizing that they were having, or could have, great times here, too.

    I think our minds wrap guilded frames around memories, hiding all the rough edges.

    Maybe that’s why women are willing to go through childbirth more than once!

    And why we hold on to some places as “home.”

40. Donna
    May 14th, 2009 @ 1:42 pm

    Loved your post and am SO glad you are a fellow Bostonian. Yup, it’s my home too! Grew up in Mass. in a quintessential New England town and have always appreciated the little things that life in the northeast brings. I lived in Utah for 10 years going to school and working for a bit. I often miss the time I was there, but wonder if it was just the time frame of when I was there. I would love to be in closer proximity to those friends, but I love it here and this IS home. Please pass the soder.

41. Carolyn
    May 14th, 2009 @ 9:15 pm

    Ah yes, home. A place I’ve always wanted but never had. Born in CA, moved to WA, then to TX, on to NY, back to WA, and since then to CA. Most of that time in WA, however, and for most of that time, I considered WA my home. Made the final move to CA and have since felt very at home here. I very much want to move to UT, and while it is really exciting to think about and plan for, I can’t help but wonder if I’ll get homesick. I’ve always considered myself a traveler, a nomad of sorts (wonder why, right?), but I’ve been settled here in CA now for about 15 years and I like it. There are lots of pushes AND pulls to it all.

    Thanks for the post.

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