I remember the first time I put on a bathing suit after Chloe was born.
It was not pretty.
Or more, it was just not what I expected. And yeah, not pretty. There was this naïve notion that my body would bounce back postpartum, remember it’s proper curves, the right symmetry and proportion. But everything concave seemed to flow convex and suddenly I found myself with more boobage than I could have ever imagined.
But that was a bonus compared to the area just south. My stomach. And there was something new in the vast expanse between the elastic of my garments and the low rise of my jeans: love handles. This, combined with the silver threading of stretch marks that mapped their way across my belly seemed the unspoken verse of motherhood. And I tried to be proud of it, “like a badge of honor,” I told someone. But even then I was trying to convince myself. Because what they would have seen behind my sunglasses was the truth in my eyes: bull crap. I want my old tummy back.
It’s not an original lament. It’s not even clever or sympathetic. There are lots more pressing issues these days. But for me it is a plague, this reconciling myself with my body. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up; my last thought at bedtime. And I hate it. Honestly. It’s such a lame waste of perfectly good energy and time.
I know this.
I do.
And I know you’re all sick of hearing about it as well.
And so, I’m changing. Really. Because this week I read one of the most inspiring blog posts by my cute (and much more spiritually inclined) friend Laurel, who wrote about how she had to give a talk up at girls camp and just last minute she was impressed (see? MUCH more spiritually inclined) to open up her scriptures to the JST translation of Mark 10:27 which says:
“With men that trust riches, it is impossible; but not impossible with men who trust in God and leave all for my sake, for with such all these things are possible.”
Laurel then issued a challenge to the girls “to consider one thing they could leave at camp this year…one thing they could forsake…let go of…and return home a more true version of their real selves in the process.”
I love the idea of becoming a truer version of my self. I know my tummy is not me. I know that I’m more than just my love handles, the belly that protrudes. And it made me think, if I were to leave this hang-up behind, how much more useful would I be as a mother? As a friend and sister? As a disciple of my Heavenly Father? Surely it would at least make me a little more aware, a better listener. And even simpler: it would make me happy to love my body, to not bore you with the details, to not have a mind somewhere else.
So I’m going to let go of it. The obsessive weight issues. How to do that, I’m not sure yet—it may be like cutting off an arm, it’s such a part of me at this point. But I’m sure Heavenly Father will help me. A slap on my cheek from anyone around me who is privy to the extra-divulgent details will help too.
But enough about me. What about you. What could you give up?
[...] go Just read a fantastic article over at Segullah. We all have something we need to let go of. What’s yours? Filed under : by Colleen, [...]
Brooke, I love this post. I love you.
I’m thinking. It may take me awhile to dig up enough courage to be as honest as you are and to choose something I would be brave enough to let go of. I’ll be back.
This is a fantastic post.
There are a lot of things I could give up. Maybe I can start with needing the playroom to be clean every night before I go to bed. You know when you were a little kid and you were afraid that some kind of monster would come get you in the night? Well, I’m still afraid, and the monster is the mess in the playroom. It’s like I can’t relax if I know it’s going to be there the next morning, right when I walk out of my bedroom. I know I should make the kids do it (and sometimes they do) but, most of the time they don’t.
There are other, bigger things I should give up, but I’m not ready to tackle those yet. Baby steps, right?
I need to give up judging people. I feel like I spend a lot of time figuring out why others are wrong and how they could live their lives better. I need to work harder on just accepting people where they are at. Now if I could only figure out how to do that!
This was wonderful, Brooke. I have to say, before I got to your main point and question, I had envisioned describing my body and how, even when I was a super skinny seventh grader, I had genetically endowed love handles, a ponch, and a strange figure, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose the lovely curves you describe!
But to your real question . . .
I am going to give up using feeling like I need to “get a grip” as an excuse to not serve and not be happy, if that makes sense. In talking to my close friend (who is also my visiting teacher) today, who has served me so much since our son came, I expressed how I feel like I can’t get it together. And it hit me (the Spirit told me) that I’m not that different from most people, muddling along, some high points and some low points, some strengths and some weaknesses . . . and that I really have gotten into the habit of using that inadequate feeling as a crutch.
It was an unexpected insight, and your post is timely. Thank you!
I would say mine is a culmination of many things physical. Not only my love handles. Sometimes I obsess about not being the skinny self that I was pre-babies, or my hair that I have cut shorter and now not loving, my teeth needing to be whitened, my veins needing to be de-varicosed and so on and so on. Then I realize that I have been blessed so much, i.e. husband, kids, health, even physically in others eyes. So I wonder, why do i let it burden me. Why do I let such insecurities lessen my smile when around others for fear that they’ll notice? Why do I let it consume my thoughts? We don’t need to try to be perfect. We just need to be happy with what the Lord has blessed us with and just leave these burdens of self disdain aside and rather focus on other people and building up their self worth. This is really something that I am working on too. There is nothing wrong with being aware of things that CAN be changed. However most things, we just need to embrace, accept that it is a part of you, but to remember that it doesn’t define you. I am not a wide hipped, love handely, off-shaded chicka!
There I am leaving that here. Washing my hands of it all.
Wow Brooke, this post really hit me! Thank you so much for writing it. I am actually going up to girls camp next week, and I am totally going to use that scripture in my lesson.
As you are well aware, these issues run so deep with me. It is such a struggle everyday. The truth is, I REALLY do want to just let it go. (big sigh)
My prayers to Heavenly Father have changed lately. I only ask that I can have guidance to become healthy in a way that is pleasing to Him and not the world. If that means a little chub, so be it!
Thank you Thank you for writing this. You are truly inspired. And I just love you!
not only are my love handles an issue, but now im feeling the fatty bra back. please tell me when you figure out how to over come the self-demoliton of obsessing about a body i cant change with out sacraficing being a mother. Im only worried that if i gain self-confidence in my love handles I might be tempted to show them off in a low-rise jean and a size xs Shades shirt.
I dont think there has ever been a time in my life that I have not worried about my body, but think that if i put the time i spend worring about how i look (and shopping on-line) into my relationship with Christ I know that I would be couragous and feel all the self-confidence in the world no matter the love handles or not. So maybe I need to give up the shopping??.
I wonder if…. you do give up the unhealthy concern of the ‘extras’ on the body, maybe they would just go away? like a present for a job well done.
its almost one in the morning, hope this all makes sense.
I have a son with severe OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). With medication and counseling, he is now a very functional husband and father. One thing I have learned is that we all have something (or many things) which we obsess over. Your imagery of walking away, or letting go, of the obsession is very good. I come from a long line of hoarders (a form of OCD), so letting go of “things” is my challenge, and I am a middle-aged woman, so the obsession over body image is always there too.
Another thing I learned from my son’s OCD is that just telling an obsessive thought to go away only makes it more obsessive. It really helps to replace it with something else. So when I feel those old thoughts intruding on my day, I have a ready list of things I can revert my brain to–like the smile on my grandson’s face when he sees me or the comfort of a good book.
Thank you so much for this post. I so badly needed this gentle reminder today.
Lovely writing as always Brooke. I’ve often the lamented the sheer WASTE OF TIME from my body issues. If I had invested that same time in simply being kind to people how much better off I’d be! As many times as I’ve sworn off my hangups(and written about it!) I’ve fallen back into the same bad habits of self-hatred. My 20th high school reunion has given me more determination to give those issues up and maybe age and maturity will help me stick with it this time. Many thanks for your inspiring words.
brooke,
as we have previously lamented together, this is a topic near and dear to my heart. Oh the dreaded extra fat roll accentuated by my garment elastic, I hate the elastic!
Bless my mom when she always told my sister and I growing up “sorry, but you had no hope of being petite”. Sadly, she was right. It’s just not in my genetics. Being 9 months pregnant isn’t helping a lot either… I just keep praying that the straining skin and extra chub is going to magically shrink back to even smaller than before and I’ll be able to fit back into my jeans no prob!! Nice pipe dream huh?
Lucky for me I married a man who finds a little thicky-thickness attractive. And lucky for me to have friends and blogs like this to realize that I am not alone. It’s perfectly normal to have insecurities and there are days where I stress about it more than others, yes. Maybe someday I can stop stressing about whether or not my sister looks better than me and other stupid stuff like that… Until then I take comfort in stretchy fabrics and the fact that I get to snuggle my new baby in a few short weeks.
That’s about as insightful as I’m going to get today. It’s Saturday after all!
i think i will give up being embarassed about my self-mowed lawn in a ‘hood of paid gardeners.
This may take awhile, but I’m going to try very hard to give up my avoidance mechanisms. Not opening the bills does not make them go away or increase my ability to make ends meet. Not talking about something does not make it go away. Not going to the doctor does not make me any healthier. Shoping or blogging or working does not make what’s not working for me work any better. Etc.
Wendy - thanks for your comment. I loved it. It made me think about being content, just enjoying where we are right now.
ClistyB - good one! I find myself embarassed or caring about all kinds of stuff that I wish I didn’t. They’re actually kind of funny, but the twinge of shame is very real.
We’ll get there, ladies!!!
i need to give up hurriedness- I need to slow down more and enjoy the journeys not just the destinations.
I’m thinking on this one. I like Dalene’s idea, not avoiding or filling up my life with busy-ness so the harder things get continually pushed to the side.
Angie, thank YOU for linking my thoughts to contentment. I need to foster that!
Oh, Brooke, I was JUST talking to my mom about this type of thing in RS yesterday. I so need to give up the vanity. I just think about ‘looks’ way too much. I don’t think I’m obsessed, but I realize that I think I really am.
Learning to love and be grateful for our bodies as they are is such a huge pet topic of mine that I could write a long essay about it (maybe I will some time.) One thing I have noticed is that it is such a “virtue” in our culture (Western culture, Mormon culture, wealthy culture, educated culture, white culture) to self-loathe if we are anything larger than tiny, that we can’t even see really crazy and even rude things we’ll do — like saying “Oh my gosh I can’t believe I ate so much, I’m such a pig!” while others who might have *more* on their plates have not yet finished eating. (I have been the one with the food still on my plate sometimes.) We don’t even see how our self-criticism reflects on the LARGER women around us. (I have been one of the larger women.)
Definitely one of my things to give up would be that self-criticism and ingratitude for my body. I do think it can be a long, hard war (you can win one battle and then suddenly find yourself newly comparing yourself with a different skinny gal.) But I definitely believe it is worth fighting for — it is such a shame for women SO abundantly blessed (and beautiful!) as we are all to spend so much time miserable over impossible standards or things where we may truly have only a little control.