If you have not yet read or listened to this talk by Elder Bednar, I highly recommend it. He locates the question of internet usage and screen time within the framework of the Plan of Salvation. This is one of my favorite ways to teach, as I talked about in this post a while ago. In a nutshell, an abundance of screen time deemphasizes the importance of our bodies, and of having a real, physical experience in the real world. But that’s a too-brief synopsis. Anyone who struggles with limiting screen time, or who is related to people who struggle with screen time, should read this talk.
I’ve listened to it three times. I wish that it did not speak so clearly to me, but it does. I can lose track of time and my house and my kids, all the things that are real, as I stare and click at things that have little substance. In the blog world, there are no dishes or laundry, no whining children, no physical things to worry over. It’s easy for me to escape my real life… kind of like Nichole Trone talks about in her Fall 2008 essay, “Finding Courage.” She tells the story of a mission companion who was so scared of failing at being a missionary that she struggled to leave the apartment. Her companion pretended that staying at home and studying Russian was a valuable use of time, better than getting out there in the messy real world, being embarrassed by bad language skills, trying, and failing, and trying again. It takes courage to face reality, and she and her companion find it.
I am not dissing blogging; I’m grateful for the strength and the community I have found here. But I also need to set boundaries on it, to make sure that I am living in the real world. In the real world my daughter wants help gluing sequins on her latest creation, my toddler is getting into something, my son needs help doing the dishes. It is hard to leave the screen, because the real world means messes and sometimes failure.
But it also means real joy.
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Absolutely true. I’ve been feeling the need to cut back on virtual activities and enjoy my very own life more. Maybe even do something and not document it (gasp!) for my imaginary audience (so many options with facebook, twitter, blog, comments…).
I’m looking forward to reading the talk (hmm….that will keep me online a little longer right now, ironically enough!).
So true–I’ve pulled back a lot the last couple months since ‘reality’ took over and while I miss it, I have realized just how much time I spent there. I’m working hard to re-align my priorities and choose carefully–which is why I read your blog today instead of the 14 other ones I marked ‘as read’ in my reader
You caught my attention and now I’m off to read the talk, again. Thanks for the validation.
Thank you, Emily. I’ve been working on this… very important.
I really love this talk. President Bednar is right on target. I’ll need to read/listen to it again.
Emily- That is a great talk, in fact I read it and discussed it with my husband this weekend. The speaker at our stake women’s conference referenced it this weekend. I think it is a great piece. I think it highlights the importance of discernment and consciousness in our priorities and choices.
I struggle with this question at times. Good to say you are not dissing blogging, that usually is my dilemna – black or white, do it or not at all.
We gave up tv about 3 years ago. The internet is the outside world, newspaper, news, all that and more. I have been working at not getting on at all on busy days, other than my mail, because of relatives contacting me and the writer’s conference we are putting on is entirely by email. I try to read 3 blogs that my husband reads each day, he has asked me to so that we can discuss them. He writes everyday on his blog and has asked me to make the same commitment (we are in the writer’s group where we met).
My “sacrifice” is that I do the “have to mail” the “husband blogs” and if my work is not done, it goes off. Wow, somedays.
My husband can easily spend 8 – 10 hours a day on the weekend on the net, and from the time he gets home to bed, minus eating on work days. He works hard so I know he deserves this time, and since our computer is in a common room, he is still with me, commenting and reading to me as I cook, clean, needlecraft etc In lieu of what other wives have, I am grateful.
I just found the talk myself on http://www.lds.org yesterday on the RS page and my husband and I read it and talked about it together!! So good!! I’m going to work on spending less time on the computer too. Let’s do it ladies!! We’ll help and encourage each other!! Thanks!!
I think it’s all about balance. It’s good to heed Pres Bednar’s warnings, but not throw the baby out with the bathwater (as my mom use to say). Much good comes from the internet…I met my husband that way. And remember what Elder Ballard said about blogging? That we should consider having one as a means for others to know us better, and the kind of lives we live.
I totally agree! It’s hard for me to let go of the cyber world when my house is a mess and I don’t want to deal with it. However, I also have been against video games in general since I was 12. Yup, 12. I’ll play them, but I just can’t understand how people don’t get sick of not living in reality and even prefer the fake world they participate it. So unfulfilling. We’ve been working hard on this – me and blogging, my husband and the computer/blackberry in general. It’s a work in progress, but we’re slowing succeeding more and more!
This was a powerful talk. I have listened to it multiple times as well. The “>WSJ article he quotes from is so-ber-ing as well.
The balance is hard. When I am willing to listen, though, I think the Spirit is willing to help me discern when I am escaping real life.
And, I hope people read that Segullah essay. Good stuff.
“Mortality is messy” is one of my newer mantras, after reading Wendy Ulrich’s amazing book, Forgiving Ourselves. That essay really underscores that truth. Embracing that truth has helped me appreciate the Atonement all the more.
I listened to the talk several weeks ago and will do so again. It was very powerful and reminded me of the need I have as a mother to help my children be able to choose their activities wisely.
I loved this talk, Emily. In fact, we used it as the basis of our FHE two weeks ago. Our teenage boys really responded to it. In fact, our 15-year-old actually THANKED us for having never purchased any kind of a video game system. I’m not saying that’s the only way to go (in fact, that can backfire on you if you’re not careful), but parents do need to be so vigilant in this area.
So essential to keep in mind!! It always boggles me to think about the crazy avenues Satan is using to accomplish his purposes. I think the more avenues he seeps into, the more we just have to constantly step back and check ourselves…and be willing to change when we find things askew.
Thanks for your comments, everyone; I’m glad the talk resonated with so many of you. It’s good know that I’m not alone in dealing with this. Sharlee, we don’t have video games either, and I’m hoping that we can get through the teenage years and have our kids thank us too. Hope hope hope.
Jill, I think there have been many positive efforts of Church members on blogs and the internet. I’m not saying throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just be careful is all. I don’t think Elder Ballard would contradict what Elder Bednar is saying.
Thanks everyone!
I don’t think Elder Ballard would contradict what Elder Bednar is saying.
And in fact, Elder Bednar was very clear about the fact that there can be good done on the internet.
I thought his two questions were very helpful:
1. Does what you are doing invite or impede the influence of the Holy Ghost?
2. Does the time you spend “enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?”
As the mother of two teenage boys who love playing video games, I loved Elder Bednar’s talk–we had a FHE lesson on it. And I know that I can easily get sucked into spending hours on the internet myself–blogs are so interesting! But then everything at home gets out of balance, so I have to be careful. One interesting story: my nephew is currently missionary companions with a boy who spent all of his spare time playing video games before his mission. This boy literally can think of nothing else to talk about with my nephew. When my nephew talks about fun things he did before his mission, like traveling, etc., his companion says, “My avatar did that.” This boy has lived his whole life vicariously online. Scary!
I read my comment earlier and thought is sounded very incoherent. So I’ll try again. I listened to the talk a few weeks ago and I have been thinking about it ever since.
I agree that there is so much good to come about from the internet. While living in Sweden, I had very few opportunities to really discuss the gospel with others, outside of church. Segullah really was a blessing to me then. Sharing my thoughts with my friends via email about the gospel and my life was a tremendous blessing as I sought to maintain friendships from afar.
But there are also great challenges with the internet. I’ve watched friends struggle with their teenage sons becoming so involved in the virtual reality that they hardly interact with the real world. That is frightening to me. The world continues to offer a dazzling array of virtual reality choices. And those choices are being increasingly marketed to younger and younger children. As a mother, I feel very strongly that I need to provide many opportunities for my children to engage in great things in the real world. Sure, my kids like a good video game, but they’ve also traveled a great deal and have explored some wonderful areas.
I’ll admit that the hardest aspect of the whole thing is how easy it is to let kids go into the world of video games. I live with lupus and am currently pregnant. Sometimes I am so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open. I do need to rest so that I don’t cause a flare. So the wii is SOOOOOO tempting for an hour of quiet so I can rest. Sure an hour in one day isn’t too bad. But I worry when it becomes longer. So for me, I need to continue work on helping my kids develop interests outside of virtual reality so they can function as adults in the real world.
A much needed talk! Horray! Let’s start a parade!
My brother-in-law is completely addicted to video games. To the point that he lets the kids fend for themselves and will totally ignore you when you come over because he is playing games. His parents did not allow their kids to play video games as children or teenagers. You have to wonder if he had been taught balance with video games as a youth if he would have this problem now.
Lindsay, maybe so. But my husband didn’t have video games growing up at all, and he doesn’t play them now, and my family didn’t have them either, and my brothers don’t play. So there’s not necessarily a universal correlation between a video-game deprived childhood and adult video game addiction issues. Nor is there necessarily a correlation, between a childhood with video games and a addiction issues. Each person and situation is different.
I think Elder Bednar’s talk implies that parents need to take this issue seriously, though, and ponder the way screen time is used in our families. Elder Bednar did NOT say “absolutely no video games or blogging or whatever.” But he did issue an apostolic warning about the dangerous potential for screen time obscuring our view of things as they really are. So it’s important to figure out what that means for each of us, in our own lives and our own families. He’s teaching us the doctrine and we need to govern ourselves.
Lindsa1138, you’ve raised an interesting question about teaching kids balance and having that transfer to adulthood. Each of my children are different. My eldest son could easily become addicted. He really cannot control himself with how long he plays. I am the external monitor. I am working to help him learn how to balance his time online or playing video games. But this son definitely has an addictive personality.
My middle son likes playing wii, but is equally happy doing other activities. In fact, it took him a long time before he even enjoyed playing games because he just didn’t have the attention span.
My younger son doesn’t even miss it if he misses a turn on the computer or on the wii.
I do work hard to teach balance with my kids. We usually keep a schedule and utilize a timer to help monitor time spent on electronic devices. This will be in full force once school lets out for the summer-yes, my kids are still in school.
With my eldest son, I am trying to teach him about the effects that too much time spent playing the games will have on his body and mind. Teaching him balance is different than my other kids. Will that transfer to adulthood? I don’t know. My mom was extremely structured with many things when I was a child. Carrying on that structure, which was much needed, in my home, was not automatic nor was it easy. Some adults respond to parental controls in different ways. Some adults only eat sugar cereal to spite their parents for years of sugar cereal deprivation. Others appreciate their parents’ effort and likewise abstain.
I guess I don’t know if that was relevant to the discussion.
I thought Elder Bednar’s talk was applicable on multiple levels to people in the church, regardless of what age or stage they are in. Which, to me, is a good hallmark of doctrine.
Excellent discussion, all!
I think it’s important to note that downplaying the importance (or minimizing the appeal) of video games is not the same thing as forbidding them. The last thing we want to do as parents is make it the forbidden fruit.
We have four sons, and our approach has simply been to pretty much ignore the existence of video games.
We’ve never owned a game system and we try to actively encourage other pursuits (music, reading, sports, hiking, rock-climbing, etc.). Our boys have played video games at their friends’ houses on occasion, but, honestly, they don’t much like it. An hour or so is about all they can take.
We’ve also talked a lot about balance and self-discipline. We tell our boys that we have safeguards in place in our home, but that when they leave for college, we’re not going to be there peering over their shoulders. Nor will we sneak into their dorms and install Cyber-Nanny. It’ll be up to them at that point. “You’ll have a computer and unlimited internet access when you’re on your own,” we told them during our FHE lesson. “The only thing that will stand between you and the most vile pornography is your own integrity.” I do think it’s important that we express this to our children. We will do our darndest to teach them correct principles while they are in our home, but the time will come when they will have to govern themselves.
Thanks for posting about Elder Bednar’s talk. When I heard it (and it’s better heard than read) I thought that it was a watershed talk in the church.
Because of some comments I read on Segullah, I had had an idea to have an electronics-free summer. The next day was a terrible day with my 5 kids and I thought “I’ve gone crazy to think I can pull the plug – we’ll all lose our minds”. Then I listened to Elder Bednar’s talk. =) So I decided I would do it and just pray for help. I’m not doing it because the electronics are inherently evil, but because I want my kids to have a summer where they can experience many things “as they really are”.
My oldest son also has addictive tendencies with video games. My husband wanted to just get rid of the Wii, but I really felt like we needed to help him learn self-control. So during the school year he has an allotment of minutes to play each week. If he blows it all the first day then he doesn’t have any more for the rest of the week. I want him to learn to turn the thing off himself. It’s a work in progress, but I think we’ll get there…
Okay, so this is the second or third time this morning that I have gotten “distracted” by the Internet — dishes to wash, laundry to do, bills to pay, and yet I sit absorbed in other things.
. We just need to make sure we’re making the best & most important choice at the time (sometimes playing with your children is more important than laundry!).
Thank you, Emily, for the really important reminder!
No matter how we spend our time, there is a cost. We give up something for something else. Like me giving up having clean clothes to write this
Remind me to tell you about my loaf of banana bread sometime!