cjane is out of town this week. I’m doing a poor job filling in, but I’ll try…
OK, I sometimes think I’m too old to do new tricks. I see myself settling quite nicely into habits and routines — it doesn’t really matter if they’re good for me or not. I’m settling in, folks. I’m approaching 40 (well, ok, I’ll be 40 in a couple of years) (well, ok, four years, if you have to be precise, but it feels much, much closer than that. But That’s not the point here!). I’m slowly becoming set in my ways. I can feel it.
And you know exactly what I mean by that, don’t you. Think about your neighbor that is old enough to remember WWII, or even Korea. They’re “set in their ways”. They like things ‘just so’. They tend to start sentences with the phrase, “Kids today…” or “Parents today…” or “When I was a kid…”
OK, so we’re all visualizing together now. I don’t always think I’m unbending quite yet. I can still appreciate a good new song when I hear one. I can still buy a cute pair of wedge sandals (well, I can buy them, but can I pull it off?) I’m not yet afraid of new technology. Overall though, I feel the settle creeping in. Change? ACK…
That’s why it surprised me so much when I learned something that was so new and radical, it actually changed my behavior! Imagine it!
My husband travels on occasion, and was recently gone for most the month of April. If I start complaining about it, I just turn into a big complainer-cry-baby. Not good for anyone. So I’ll refrain.
But during his absense, so many wonderful friends and family helped out. One such wonderful family member took everyone but the baby and had a big sleepover/campout at her house. I had a lovely evening of quiet and solitude reading and lounging. We all reunited 24 hours later refreshed.
Or so I thought.
Within the hour of this reunion, everyone, including me, was in tears, fighting, wailing, sobbing. Much unkindness. But I had just been so refreshed! I was so excited to see the kids again! It was awful. The rest of the weekend was equally as awful. By Sunday night I melted into a puddle of tears on my bed, crying to the Lord about my horrible weekend. I spent time studying the scriptures and reading an old conference report. I went to bed yet discomfitted.
But I awoke to an epiphany (some people might so blithely call it a prompting).
Hold them closer. Not farther.
Huh??? (it was still early.)
Peace will come not from seeking a reprieve, but from seeking a connection.
I gathered my children close that day. I forgot the dumb distractions of my day and remembered to be a mom to my kids, who were missing their dad just as much as I was. We needed to take care of each other, not get away from each other. We needed each other more, not less. We needed the love and nurture that only we could give each other.
So we did.
This codgy old thirtysomething groaned against the urge to be unbending. I bent. I grew. Woah.
This happens to me over and over in my mothering: the desire to withdraw and the prompting to engage my kids more. The first time I really remember it working was a couple of years ago when I was used to reading the newspaper during lunch. My oldest son was too little to really have an interesting conversation with, and I didn’t have any other kids. I just wanted to read my paper and get his food. But I knew that should be interacting with him more. So I started to get those Gospel Art pictures and talk about several of them with him during lunch. And, surprise, lunch became fun for both of us. He got to know the pictures, especially the Joseph Smith story. And I gained the peace you talk about, the kind that comes from seeking a connection.
But I think “seek” is a really important word. For me, the connections don’t just fall into my lap. I have to seek them, or I get distracted by all the things I want to do or need to do.
Thanks for a great post, Justine!
Oh my. Thank you, Justine. I think you just gave me a gajillion killowatt lightbulb moment. Wow.
Justine - what a great post! Hmm… now you’ve given me much to ponder…
I’m approaching 50 (well, ok, I’ll be 50 in a couple of years) (well, ok, seven years, if you have to be precise, but it feels much, much closer than that. But That’s not the point here!).
Point is, I loved your post. Funny, sweet, insightful. And good to hear today–while my husband’s on pioneer trek and I was hoping for someone to take the kids (and the kittens) for a big sleepover thing.
I enjoyed your post, too, Justine. What a beautiful, unexpected answer to your prayers. Speaking personally, I think part of my worry in starting a family so late has to do with the ‘old dog’ idea, though I hadn’t quite put it into words like that. Your experience is a good reminder in aspects of parenting as well as the aspect of seeking to learn and be taught. I wonder if this willingness/ability to learn through the Spirit is a part of what keeps technically old dogs feeling and even looking much younger than age would suggest?
I love this, Justine. It’s been echoing through my head all day.
“Peace will come not from seeking a reprieve, but from seeking a connection.” This idea is also discussed in the book “Mitten Strings for God” by Katrina Kennison. Its a really good book for happy moms or moms who want to be happy moms.
I have noticed that my children are especially needy and emotional after I have resorted to the old “TV as sitter” routine. Or “computer games as sitter”. They feel fussy and discontent after too much media. Screens do not meet their needs.
That being said, I must add that although “me time” is way oversold to mothers, something that works for us is “Library Night”, where Dad takes the kids. I clean at top speed while they are gone. When we get back together, everything’s wonderful. We read together in a clean house. If the stressor is a messy house, there’s no cure like getting it done.
I think this is so true. I have experienced the same thing with my husband and children many times. Thanks for saying it so well.