When I was young, my father told me I could “be” anything.
I believed him.
With that freedom, I ran off to school to become…a humanities and history major. I don’t regret this choice. My liberal arts background has informed my current “profession” of photography and has led me to pursue a master’s degree. And most of the time, I am perfectly happy to be the impractical and cerebral person that my education prepared me to be.
But, last November a man in my ward was killed tragically in a car accident. He is the father/step-father of eight children. His wife has been left to provide for those children in every way. She is responsible for paying the mortgage and college tuition and missions and so many other things.
With the unfolding of this terrible event, I was shocked at how unprepared I would be if faced with a similar situation; disturbed with how unprepared a good 60-70% of my close, “liberated,” SAHM friends would be should something happen to the primary breadwinner in their home. These women are intelligent, capable, educated, dynamic and totally unfit to survive in a capitalist society (without further education or a drastic departure from their intended “career,” a difficult prospect when faced with the need to have a viable income source in lieu of a sudden death or divorce).
And then I thought of my own mother, who throughout my adolescence constantly distilled the virtues of the “female” professions of nursing, education, dietetics, and a new one, pharmacy; she encouraged those careers with flexible hours and mother-friendly working environments. You see, she knew. She knew because she had an Associates Degree in English Literature. And, in a very real way, she was trapped. She was unable to support herself without my dad, unable to support her children, unable to provide insurance, financial stability, security. She had no outlet that would not only mean something to the well-being of her family (should it be necessary) but also would mean something to her.
I have two little boys. When we learned of their sex, my husband was relieved. Fewer wedding expenses, fewer hormones. I, on the other hand, longed for a little girl with dark hair (just like my hubby) and porcelain skin (just like my hubby); or even a toe-head like me would have been wonderful. I wanted someone to shop with, go to lunch with, and play softball and volleyball with. My house is now full of thousands of legos and very few dolls. And in so many ways, I am surprisingly relieved.
I’m not sure what I would tell my daughter about careers, about motherhood, about womanhood. Would I teach her that the sky is the limit even when it’s not (especially if she is lucky enough to have children of her own), would I advocate for the “female” professions to ensure that she can provide for herself even after she has a family, or would I use myself as an example and encourage her to do “anything she wants?”
What do you tell your daughters?
In what ways have you made motherhood and career (even just preparing for one) work?
In a church that advocates “preparedness” above many other virtues, are we preparing our future mothers for more than the home?
It’s Women’s History Month! Here are some other posts that you might be interested in:
Kaimi talks about the history of women in the hymnbook
Mary details a woman from the scriptures
Important dates in women’s history from the National Women’s History Project
The man in your ward should have gotten a term life insurance policy with a payout large enough to cover necessary expenses for several years, at least long enough for the mom to complete a practical degree but ideally long enough to stay at home until the youngest graduates. Staying at home is a valid choice, but the way to make that choice responsibly requires serious planning for worst-case situations, long before they occur.
My parents told me I could do anything. I didn’t know the glass ceiling existed until college. And I still chose staying at home. I think the fact that I chose it instead of it being foisted upon me is an important distinction for me.
I’ve always told my girls they can be anything. I don’t steer them toward traditionally female careers, but they tend to them anyway.
For me personally, my hub and I have a significant life insurance policy so I could continue to stay home. I also have kept my professional contacts and skills mildly fresh. I don’t even know that I’ll go back to the same career, but who knows.
I want my daughters to be strong and vital, but I also don’t want them to be angry women. I’ve had a few women in my life who were so empowered, they began hating men, being angry about pretty much everything, and setting themselves out to prove their “strength”. I don’t want my girls to become men. I want them to embrace their divinity.
This is a tough issue, and I worry for my girls. But let’s face it, I worry for my boys too. I just fret all around.
Maralise, thank you for the link to my piece at A Prayer of Faith. And thank you for posting on this topic. So many times we don’t plan for all possibilities and that can make a tragedy worse than it already is. This is something all couples should talk about and plan for. And it is something each individual should consider. Beijing and Justine mention life insurance and other points to consider. I hope we will all take the time to plan ahead for the things that can happen–loss of a spouse, caring for elderly parents, disability, long-term illness or injury. It’s easy to put off these conversations and plans, but it’s so important. Thanks again for writing about this.
For these tough issues (where it can be hard to keep a balance), I seek to be very familiar with what the prophets say and then try to communicate that message to my children as they grow. And the message is both about the divinity and critical importance of the role of mother, and the importance of getting all the education you can. It’s also about times and seasons and not trying to do or have or be everything at once. I have been mulling over a post for a while about this topic, actually. Maybe I can try to pull together my thoughts sooner than later (too much swimming in my head to put in a comment!)
Maybe I’m a cock-eyed optomist, but I feel like the trend lately has been for most professions to be more accomodating. I have a friend who is a lawyer and a friend who works in finance; their employers have really worked to accomodate them since the birth of their children (reduced hours, different hours, new job titles, etc).
But, you raise an excellent question–are we really preparing women in the Church for the possibility of having to work outside the home? Sometimes, I wonder if paying much more than lip-service to the idea. We say education is great, but so many of us (this from a theology major) get degrees in majors that we can’t support our families with. Then again, I have no idea how we as a church would work to prepare our Young Women for careers. I often worry about it when I’m in Young Women’s and watch my girls plan their lives convinced they’ll marry a man who makes enough money that they can stay at home and raise their kids–yet, that model seems to be more the exception than the rule these days.
As an elementary/middle school teacher who happens to LOVE her job (love love love), can I make one plea? Don’t tell your daughters to get a teaching degree as a “fall back” option *if* they aren’t attracted to the teaching profession!
My husband is also a teacher and an assistant principal, and he was recently musing on the bitterness he’s encountered from some female teachers through the years.
“As a man, you actively chose this job — because you love it. Men don’t tend to become K-8 teachers unless they feel honestly drawn to it,” I told him. “Many women have passively chosen this profession, because of parent or societal traditions/expections. That’s why, probably unconciously, they resent you. You are doing what you love; they aren’t.”
I see it all the time: women who are teaching because they need to rather than want to — and who are therefore ill-suited to the job’s demands. It’s a darn shame, a disservice to children, and a dumbing-down what is truly an amazing profession.
There, venting done.
Great post, by the way.
“I see it all the time: women who are teaching because they need to rather than want to — and who are therefore ill-suited to the job’s demands.”
Er, it’s not needing to work that makes people ill-suited (I need to work for goodness sake). I meant to say . . . resentment and teaching are not good bedfellows. Students are ACUTELY sensitive to a teacher’s mood, engagement, and responsiveness.
I will definitely encourage my girls to look at college majors that:
1. Will actually qualify them to get a job after graduate
2. Will be a field that they will be interested in
3. Opens up possibilities for work that can fit into their life as a wife and mother……that might easily be picked up again after a long absence, or part-time, etc.
I will also always point out that they need to always be prepared to support themselves if they never marry, need to work after marriage, get divorced or are widowed.
Beijing– Of course, you’re right. I can’t speak to the specifics of this family’s situation. This man’s untimely death just happened to be the event that started me thinking about this topic.
Question for Justine and Beijing–what about health insurance? My family could never be covered on an individual plan because of chronic health concerns, so how does one manage to stay home and still have health coverage even when life insurance covers other needs?
Justine– I think there has to be a balance between being empowered and obedient. I really think there is no polemic that dictates being one means NOT being the other.
Michelle–the “Times and Seasons” concept is vital for the sanity of those of us who literally can’t accomplish all of our goals now. Isn’t it great to think that we can learn, grow, and succeed at each stage of life? That learning is not just for the young? However, I also think that we can justify putting off planning for unexpected eventualities because we think it’s not the season for education, for preparation.
Emily CC– I agree that there is a growing number of professions that are flexible. That was one thing that I wanted people to comment about. For example, I think an MD is a great career for a mother (of course, there is a high price to pay for the schooling) because of the ability to work flexible days and hours. The medical field has many careers for mothers where skills can be maintained by working 1-2 days a week. I mentioned pharmacy as a “new” career with possibilities. Obviously, the traditional careers are known: education, nursing, etc….but what other careers are there that have worked for our readers? Perma-blogging? Editing? Academics?
And your second comment hit at the guts of my post: are we, as a culture, simply paying lip-service to the idea that education is important for women? And not only “education” in general, but career preparation specifically? Sometimes, it feels like we are. I am much too old to be “just” thinking about this topic.
Deborah: Yes. Yes. Yes. And Yes again. I agree. One of the reasons why I chose my field is because I just couldn’t get passionate about pharmacy, or nursing, or at the time, education. I am as passionate about following one’s own interests as I am about empowerment or preparation. Thank you for the perspective. It’s just so difficult to find a career that meets all of those needs.
JKS: You just summarized my entire post in three bullets. Thank you…
Maralise, if Don died, we included a necessary and costly health insurance premium in our pay-out. The issue you raise, though, could be covered by some federal legislation regarding being dropped from a current policy. If your husband died, and your family was currently insured, you could continue the COBRA payments for up to six months. If I understand the law correctly, you could, during that time, pick up another policy. If you are currently insured by a carrier, the law requires that a second carrier accept you too.
Someone correct me if I’m wrong. We changed insurance policies once mid-pregnancy, and the new policy was required to maintain our coverage of the pregnancy because we had been previously insured (the first policy’s mere existence negated the pre-existing condition requirement set by the second policyholder.)
Justine–As far as I understand it, COBRA is there for 18 months following a life change that affects your coverage. You can pay (a lot) to receive continued benefits for those 18 months only. We did this for a period of time and then tried to get coverage after COBRA. No go. Nobody would take us (and that was before kids) because of a few minor health concerns. We had no lapse in coverage and our pre-existing conditions should have been covered. But, the individual companies would not accept the risk that came with covering us. Our only recourse was getting on a list for health insurance through the state and the coverage was rumored to be abysmal. Anyone else have other information?
I can speak to your second question—I have a one year old son and am currently working part time as a professor at a university.
I left my job as a government attorney after my son was born because I was commuting and I knew that particular job would not be flexible enough for me. At first I helped make ends meet by doing contract editing from my home (my Bachelors was in English), and then I began to teach one class at the university as an adjunct professor. The pay was pitiful, but I enjoyed it and it was my foot in the door to a more lucrative position.
Now I teach three classes–my baby only has to be with a babysitter for about 10 hours a week, I love teaching, no commute, and I make as much money as I did as a government attorney. I grade and plan during naps and after my son goes to bed. I am so happy that I went to law school–I feel like I have the best of both worlds. Having that degree has given me a lot of freedom.
I just got hired to do editing work by contract. I can do it anytime, anywhere I can use a laptop. And it is a good stepping stone to getting a more respectable (well-paying) editing job.
If my husband died tomorrow, I’d use our life insurance to cover me while I took a few classes to brush up on my editing skills, then I’d start pounding the pavement to find a full-time job.
My teenage daughter is a talented writer, and so I’m encouraging her to start now in building some skills which will help her in a variety of circumstances later on. This is the lucky thing for people who love to work with words–there are fun, dreamy things to do (like write novels) and more practical, marketable things to do (tech writing, editing, etc). Her other love is drama, but it doesn’t have the same range of applications for a stay-at-home mom, so I’m trying to (gently, subconsciously) encourage her to do it “on the side.”
Mara,
Are you talking about life insurance or health insurance? Can’t everyone get term life insurance if they apply for it? Of course, people with at-risk health problems pay a lot more, but they should still be able to get it. If not, I am really ignorant and I apologize.
You know what burns me up!??! Since my husband just retired from the military, we had to get term life insurance. Because I am a stay at home Mom, I could only get half of what my husband applied for. For example, if we got a 500,000 policy for him, I could only get a 250,000 one. Why? Because I don’t have any income that would be lost if I died. Well, whose gonna take care of the kids while my husband is out working and I am under the dirt? A nanny don’t work for free, gentleman! Anyway, I was peeved because what I do is “just as valuable” (quoting the insurance agent) as what he does, but the financial rewards don’t add up.
Thanks for the post, Mara. This has really been on my mind as my husband will be 61 this year and I haven’t kept up on my credentials for the last 10 years. We have 4 little kids…I am doing a great disservice to them if I am not prepared. Be ye prepared!
Also, remember teaching our daughters about getting a good education is not just about getting a well-paying job in the end.
However, I also think that we can justify putting off planning for unexpected eventualities because we think it’s not the season for education, for preparation.
Absolutely. I think, though, if we really take the prophets’ counsel to heart and desire to follow it, the Spirit can help us know HOW to follow. And that picture might look a little different for everyone. Actually, we can bet on the fact that it will!
I think that education ford women is stressed in the church, but not practical education, or finishing education. What good is BA in almost anything? I got a professional degree and have flexibility in working part time when I have children. But its also nice knowing that if anything happened to my husband, i could support my family very well. And probably make just as much money as he did.
My parents told me I could do anything, and yet we all grew up knowing that my mother regretted she never finished her nursing degree because she got married at 21 and 9 months later had the first of her 6 children. She did get a degree in flute performance, however, and her life now is consumed with her flute playing. She says she plays better now at 60 than she ever has. So yes, we had an example of “working” mom, but she certainly had to give up her first dream for her children. And that was not lost on me.
Also, my father consistently told us that we needed a marketable skill, whether it be beauty school or medical school. It had to be something that somebody else would be willing to PAY us to do. Again, that lesson was not lost on me, and I entered the field of speech pathology hoping it would have the flexibility and the marketability I would need.
I was, for the most part, correct. I have been able to cobble together flexible part-time schedules since my son was born, and it’s been a blessing. However, there is a drawback in the sense that I miss out on the ebb and flow of the field, the new therapies, the new technologies, etc. It’s not as bad as something like, say, computers, or medicene, but the students coming out now and working full time surpass my skills in less than a year’s time, because I’m not in the field as much as they are.
Another lesson I learned from another role model was the education is not always there. When I got into graduate school, I was single, unattached, and almost didn’t go. I told this person, “Graduate school will always be there.” He told me, quite adamently, that it would not be. He said I had to take the opportunity to get my professional education before I got married and had kids, because it would be so much harder afterwards. I took his words to heart, and wow, was he right.
I would hope that with a daughter I could teach her the same lessons–that she should seek a marketable skill, even if she wants to be a SAHM, as this skill will free her from the trap that you have mentioned. I will admit that having prepared professionally left me woefully unprepared domestically, and that was a bit of a rough transition. Still, I think that it was worth it.
I agree about the necessity of life insurance, and picking an amount that pays off debts, pays for professional training, and/or pays for time to just be at home longer before working. We have some for myself for the same reason- were I gone, my husband may need to be SAHD for a while, or drop down to part-time or go into a work-at-home self-employment situation.
For myself, I made a work-from-home company (click my name above) to provide economic security and marketability for this season of my life.
For my daughter, I want to see her educated to her full potential, with an eye to marketable skills.
But I do believe that work situations are becoming more flexible. Technology allows working from home more all the time, and I think as us younger tech-savvy people move up into management, companies will be more flexible about work hours and locations. I’ve belived in this future very strongly since pondering it while reading “the world is flat” last year.
I have known plenty of men, as well as women who got out of college with a liberal arts degree and then got married and couldn’t support a family. I feel it to be less of a gender equality issue for me than it is an economic one. My english degree and I, along with my unemployed husband find this subject very near and dear to our hearts.
I intend to teach both our sons AND our daughters that life is hard, and they should find something they are good at and enjoy doing, but if that thing can’t support them they’d better find a way to make it into a job, or use it as a hobby and get a good-paying job on the side.
I’m a cynic after all these years of financial misery, I’m afraid.
Wonderful post with good points. I have two small daughters and think about this; on the whole, I lean towards education in a field you love, but a practical plan for what to do with it.
I’m a librarian, and our plan is that if my husband dies, I will use the insurance to pay off the house and go to work, living off income and the rest of the insurance if necessary. Librarianship will never make anyone rich, but we could survive on it, and I could also do business work. I do think my field is reasonably practical, since I can work a bit now here and there, and go back to full-time later (my mom is also a librarian and did pretty much the same thing; she was the bread-winner for a while when my dad was laid off).
I have told YW I’ve taught that they might not get married or be able to stay home (if they want to!) and all that. Several of them had some pretty good plans already and I was generally impressed with their ambition and planning.
Anyone, male or female, would get the same advice from me: get educated in a discipline you love, get as much education as you can, and get at least one practical degree. I have been very fortunate to have chosen teaching as my field (chose it when I was 10) and it has served me well. I have been and will continue to be able to work part-time or full-time as I choose. I was also able to squeeze a masters (and third certifictaion) in between the birth of my first and second children. This degree not only opens a third field of teaching to me, it gives me professional certification just about anywhere in the country, so I won’t have to worry about moving and getting re-certified everywhere.
I feel for those who feel their passions do not lead them into a practical field. I woud advise, my chidlren, though, to suppement their passion with something salary-worthy. I have a sister who has a BFA in drama and is now getting a masters in library science–smart move. If you are an artist, why not also learn to cut hair or fix cars? It seems the responsible thing to do, but is really just smart.
No matter what you love–figure out a way to enjoy it and to support yourself. Everyone.
And I agree–if you are thinking of teaching because you think the hours are attractive, don’t. The burnout in the profession is very high–most teachers quit before they reach the 5 year mark–because it really does not go well for those who do not have a passion for it. Definitely try substituting a litte before you sign up to change your career to teaching and be realistic with yourself.
I think that education ford women is stressed in the church, but not practical education, or finishing education.
I really have to disagree with this. The leaders talk specifically about the unpredictability of life and how education opens doors to opportunity. I don’t hear them talking about education just for education’s sake. They talk about it with an eye toward the fact that it helps your earning potential. The PEF testifies to this fact as well.
I grew up in a small Midwestern farm town, where everyone, boy or girl, was taught from an early age that you had to do study something that would make you a living, and that liberal arts weren’t gonna make nobody a living. The ideal, of course, was to go into some sort of agriculture-related field, perhaps agribusiness, and come back home and save the family farm. The next best thing was to go get some sort of trade degree. (I was the valedictorian, and even I got the “you should get a *useful* trade degree, not some silly liberal arts degree. Nobody ever made a living doing art, etc.”)
So I went off to college and majored in animal science, pre-vet. I was doing something Useful to Society. And I hated chemistry, and had to admit that my allergies to horses was going to interfere with something I would have loved otherwise (minus the chemistry).
It took many, many years for me to find what I could be both passionate about (and enjoy doing) and make a living at. Part of the influence in my choice did involve points in the conversation above–do I go with a service career like teaching (I taught preschool for a while and loved it, but it doesn’t pay a living wage), or do I follow my passion in the arts (photography has been a hobby of mine for over a decade now)?
I ended up falling into the field I’m in–editing–because it was how I worked my way through many long years of college, and like Katherine Soper says above, it ended up being one of the most flexible things I could have chosen. Given that I’ve never married (yet) and had to support myself without any parental help from the day I left home, it’s been a useful skill that I can see taking into a stay-at-home mom life and still continuing to keep up in various ways.
Especially because my field is children’s and young adult literature (right now I’m an editor for a fantasy house), I feel like it’s a multi-purpose career I’ve been able to cultivate: stimulating and exciting for me no matter whether I’m editing full time, freelancing, writing, or even working part time, say at a library (I got a master’s in children’s literature). It allows me to follow my passion (books, serving children, fantasy) while at the same time it’s a passion I can eventually share with my children.
So I’d say that it’s possible to tell your daughters they can have it all. It might not come all at once; it might not come in the way they expected (I don’t have a family right now, so I have more flexibility in my ability to work full time, for example), but it’s so important to give them the tools to dream of all the things they can do. Of course you need to prepare them for the reality of making a living, but to encourage a daughter to go into the liberal arts, if that’s her passion, isn’t necessarily limiting her career options, if you also encourage her to use her imagination and to always be responsible for taking care of herself.
And while I was composing my reply over the course of several hours in and out, a spectator said what I meant to say in a much clearer way.
No matter what you love–figure out a way to enjoy it and to support yourself.
Well said.
AD: I usually think of law as mother-prohibitive because of the long hours required. How enlightening that you were able to work it out. Thanks for sharing.
Mel: The sticking point as far as being able to stay home if a spouse dies (assuming there is life insurance in place) is health insurance. For us, it is absolutely necessary that we have some type of employee plan because we are un-insurable otherwise (therefore necessitating that my back-up plan include a career with access to insurance. So, my photography is fulfilling and creative but it isn’t going to provide that, and that’s why I’m going back to school in English Lit. so I can teach). I know that other families make self-employment insurance work, but I am too unfamiliar with this topic to speak to it right now.
Michelle: great point. I am so glad that all of our “plans” are different. It is reflective of the prosperous society we live in and the access that we have to various kinds of education. Blessed indeed.
no one: What was your professional degree in (if you’re willing to share)? I’d love to know the “options” that are out there.
Heather O: isn’t it amazing how powerful an example can be? For me, my mother’s situation (self-imposed to some degree) has shaped my drive and motivation to strive for more for myself and my family. It wasn’t her words that influenced me (I’d probably be better off now if I had listened) but more her situation.
cchrissy: Your comment made me think…I know that student loans are a sticky subject when it comes to education, especially for women. I have known women who have gone to Ivy League schools and who chose to stay home a few years later without the loans being paid off. I have never known one of those mothers to regret her education or the loans ensued, but I know others who have put off education because of the prospect of loans, and I understand that too. However, it would be nice if, when we choose our life insurance policy, that we ensured that our own student loans would be paid off with the payout. Answer me this question: my husband’s student loans are in his name. If he dies, am I responsible for those loans? What happens to them?
Needless Thinker: Being cynical is not always a bad thing, no?
Dangermom: You address a point that keeps coming back to me as I read everyone’s comments: What about passion? What about loving what you do? What about following a dream (even an illogical one)? I have definitely leaned in this direction during my choosing process. And I really think that creativity can somehow, somewhere make both the practical and the idealistic dreams plausible. How? I don’t know. But I really think if you’re passionate about something and you have ability, it can be done. That’s why I love hearing about how everyone made motherhood/career work for them. It’s inspiring for me.
a spectator: good point about getting all the education you can, following your dreams and getting at least one practical degree. I think this is a great way to meet the needs of the world with our own needs. Thanks…
Stacy: I agree completely. I love the concept that women can have it all as long as we’re creative, patient, hardworking.
To summarize (since I’m assuming our comments will be petering out on this post) I realize this is a discussion of the privileged, privileged because we have the time and money that allow us read this discussion and participate in it, even complain about it, etc… I realize that complaining about a women’s limitations is tiring, uninspiring. I hope that this post was less of a complaint and more of an opportunity to figure out how we make our lives work. I am much inspired and determined to do more than I’m doing. Thank you all.
“Answer me this question: my husband’s student loans are in his name. If he dies, am I responsible for those loans? What happens to them?”
Student loans are darn hard to lose, even bankruptcy keeps them, but death, fortunately, will release the debt! As long as the loans were taken out only in his name, and never consolidated with you on there.
I was always told by my parents I could be anything. My mother is a professor and worked when we moved back to Utah after being overseas. Growing up, I was a bit militant. I resisted both YW lessons about marriage and mutual activities that so often involved crafts. I remember complaining to my leaders that we really ought to have female professionals come to lecture us as our reality would probably include working (they were understandably flummoxed by me.)
I NEVER thought I wanted to stay home with kids; I wanted to have a career. I did not want to trust a husband to provide it all for me. I got that ambition, baby.
All that being said, I got a BA in History which I have ever intended to be a stepping stone to a post-grad degree—one that has been put on hold for the moment.
I want to stress that it wasn’t the specific degree, it was my work experience that became most important. It took me seven years to get my BA because I worked fulltime through much of my schooling. When I graduated, I was able to secure an upper-management position at a company simply because of my significant work experience prior to graduation. Even though a History degree, if you do not intend to teach which I did not, can be viewed as useless, it helped get me my career. It proved to companies that I could write, research, and communicate (which if you’ve spent any time in the business world you’ll know that those are invaluable skills that are in short supply.)
Traditionally, female professions have often been lower paying simply because they are valued less than other roles. I don’t mean this as denigration, but as counter-point. I do not intend to specifically encourage my future daughter to seek a traditionally female profession because I don’t want to box her up. I hope that she chooses something that she loves, not because it would be a ‘good job for a mom.’ I will however, as my mother and father before me, insist that her education and work ethic is of paramount and non-negotiable importance—not just as a potential breadwinner but as personal development.
I work mostly with men in a role that is not traditionally ‘female.’ I have so many options at my fingertips because I made the choice not only to educate myself, but also to work hard for appropriate experience. We now face a dilemma: I want to spend time at home with my children, but I can make three times as much as my husband. I will always be able to out-earn him. I am now coming to the realization that I will have to put aside my worldly ambition to turn to a more divinely inspired role. This has been a difficult process since I worked so hard to prepare for the contingencies that everyone has mentioned.