A Baby

Posted by Guest | June 10, 2009 | 36 Comments

Today’s Up Close on this months’ topic, Adoption, comes to us from Jeannette. She is a mother to boy/girl twins and has been happily married for 10 years to her best friend. She loves to read, play sports, spend time outside, play games with her family and spend time online. She lives in the Northwest.

I was eighteen when what I swore would never happen to me, happened. I was pregnant. You know there is something wrong when you are taking a pregnancy test by yourself in a McDonald’s bathroom, and yet there I was. I should have been a few years older doing this in my own home with a loving husband right there, waiting with me. The test was glaringly positive but I felt disbelief followed quickly by shock, surprise and fear. I had just graduated high school a few months earlier and there was no way I was ready to be a Mom. Not to mention the fact that I had left my boyfriend in Texas two days before.

I don’t know why I was that surprised, I mean, I had been sexually active since I was 15. But I had done the responsible thing and had gone to Planned Parenthood by myself to get the Pill. I guess the surprise was coming in because I was getting ready to turn over a new leaf. While in Texas with my boyfriend, it had finally hit me: I was miserable! I wasn’t active in the church, I was living with a guy I didn’t love, I was in Texas while all of my family that I loved was back in Wyoming. I was so far, literally and figuratively, from what I knew to be right and from what my parents had taught me. So I left him and came home, just in time to move with my family to a different state, and to find out I was pregnant.

I have to be honest; my first thought was that I couldn’t have a baby. I knew a girl that was rumored to have gotten an abortion and I thought – I can just talk to her and find out where/how she did it and no one will ever have to know. That thought lasted about as long as it took to think it. There was no way I could really do that a baby. After all, my teenage friends and I in our great wisdom had had discussions about all of the child less couples who were waiting, desperate to have children. And there was my friend’s older sister who had recently had a baby and placed it for adoption, and seemed to be doing great. So I would just have this baby and place it for adoption. No biggie.

One of the positive things that resulted from my bad behavior, was now that I was back home I had real, honest communication with my parents. And none of my admissions seemed to surprise them all that much. Except for maybe telling my Mom that my period was late. Her reply was that I better pray that I get it. But I didn’t get it and the absolute weariness that I felt and my voracious appetite seemed to reinforce what I finally accepted and knew: I was really pregnant.

With my family’s move, I was now living closer to my older brother and his wife. I really liked my sister in law and looked up to her. She was pretty, educated and funny. And she didn’t judge me. In fact she was the one who helped me set up my appointment with LDS Family Services (LDSFS). I was nervous before meeting my social worker but she swept away any nerves I had within minutes. She was awesome! We had a great visit and I left armed with loads of pamphlets about teenage pregnancy, adoption and single parenting. But I didn’t even read the ones about single parenting. I knew that adoption was what I wanted.

My Dad was extremely patient as he ferried me back and forth to my appointments at LDSFS and to my doctor appointments. He waited outside and listened to me on the ride home as I talked through whatever was on my mind at the moment.

My first doctor’s appointment made it all too real. There was no denying it when I heard that tiny heartbeat. I cried. Once again, I was by myself. I vowed that the next time, I would do it right – my husband would be there with me and we would share this moment. It would be a joyful time. Not one of sadness and loneliness like it was now. My doctor was great. I didn’t feel judged by him and once he knew my plan of adoption, he was supportive.

As my belly grew, my testimony and faith did also. I met with my new bishop and laid everything on the line. He was kind and totally in tune with the Spirit. I was placed on probation and couldn’t take the sacrament. Something that I had taken for granted and never really gave the proper reverence too was now the something that I missed the most! I worked with him and my social worker and slowly put myself back together. I learned that the sexual abuse I had suffered as a child was definitely a big part of my promiscuity and it explained so many things to me.

I was able to work on my relationship with my Mom and we grew extremely close. Together, we chose fabric to make two quilts for the little girl I was carrying. We picked out an outfit to send her home in. I asked her about all of my weird pregnancy aches and pains. Once again my Dad was the chauffer; he took me to get whatever food I was craving, to work and back and also to my many appointments at LDSFS and the doctor’s office.

Having the support of my parent’s, my social worker, my Bishop and my doctor was huge. I felt secure in my decision and I felt strong. I spent many hours on my knees in tears as I poured my heart out to my Heavenly Father. I read my scriptures with real intent. I listened to beautiful music. I went for walks with my Mom and enjoyed the beautiful scenery along the walking path. I read my patriarchal blessing. I felt peace.

The day that I chose the adoptive parents is a day I will never forget. I was nervous. How would I know which ones where the right ones!? I wasn’t just messing up my own life anymore, I had this babies life to think of now and I wanted to make sure I picked the right parents. I didn’t realize it until later, but I wasn’t the one doing the picking, Heavenly Father was. As soon as I heard their profile and read their letter – I knew that I had found Jessica’s parents. There were absolutely perfect and fit everything on my wish list. I read their letter and got chills, Nancy’s handwriting was almost identical to my mother’s, something that I had always loved. There was no question, they were the ones!

My delivery came sooner that I expected (I was 2 weeks early!) and everything went well. I marveled at this little dark haired girl I held in my arms. I told her all of the reasons why I placing her for adoption. I told her I loved her. I stroked her silky soft head and smelled her hair. I sang to her. The two days I spent in the hospital were over all too quickly. I met with the adoptive parents before they got Jessica and the Spirit was so strong. Once again I knew this was the right thing to do. No matter how much my heart breaking, I would go back on my choice. I spent a few last minutes with Jessica. I changed her diaper, combed her hair and wrapped her carefully in the quilt my Mom and I had made together. I had arrived at LDSFS a girl who had just had a baby at 18 and I left a woman.

Comments

36 Responses to “A Baby”

Justine
June 10th, 2009 @ 6:44 am

I was a birth coach for a dear dear friend who gave up a baby to adoption. It was one of the most poignant experiences of my life. Going with her to meet the adoptive parents, helping her through labor, and wheeling her out of the hospital without that beautiful baby – they were tremendously beautiful and painful moments.

There is an enormous amount of faith and love that goes into that choice, and you’re right that you became an adult through it. What a blessing to give to another family. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Leslie
June 10th, 2009 @ 6:48 am

jeannette- My only sibling came to my family via adoption so I have a special appreciation for birthmothers. Thank you so much for sharing your honest personal story. The hope, redemption, and faith that you brought out of it is moving.
Tiffany W.
June 10th, 2009 @ 7:20 am

Thank you for being so candid. I loved how you emphasized the role of loving individuals who supported you and helped you put your life back together. I think you were so brave to give up your baby.
jendoop
June 10th, 2009 @ 8:06 am

Thank you for sharing this.

I agree with Tiffany, it helps all of us know the right kind of support to give someone in this position.
Sue
June 10th, 2009 @ 9:05 am

Some day my daughter may be privileged to adopt a baby, and it will be a loving, generous mother like you who makes that possible.

Thank you for sharing your experience.
BYU Women's Services
June 10th, 2009 @ 9:23 am

I am inspired by your courage and love in such a hard experience–thank you for sharing so honestly and openly.
~j.
June 10th, 2009 @ 9:34 am

Wow. I’m floored. Just — thank you for your honesty. Bless you.
anon mom
June 10th, 2009 @ 10:52 am

That was so beautiful and real, thank you.
I am an adoptive parent.
(I have a big long story, with too many thoughts and feelings for this little ol’ comment…)
I have 4 biological children who I love dearly and who I am incredibly grateful for. But when I look at my beautiful {adopted} daughter, *every time* I look at my beautiful daughter, I think, “I wouldn’t have you if it weren’t for someone else.” I love my someone else. I love her. Strong, compassionate, intelligent…brave.
Thank you for being another mother’s someone else.
Thank you.
CatherineWO
June 10th, 2009 @ 10:56 am

Thank you for telling your story. I have a daughter and her husband who are adopting a baby boy, due the end of this month. The whole experience has been so beautiful and so spiritual for them and the birth mom and her parents (who have been very supportive of their daughter). Unfortunately, I think adoption is too often seen as a less desirable option than abortion or keeping the child. Family support is just so important. Thank you.
anon
June 10th, 2009 @ 11:11 am

Thank you so much, Jeanette. I have much in common with you. I became sexually active at 15, and my promiscuity also had a link to earlier abuse. I became pregnant at 17, and shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. The difference between your story and mine is that I chose abortion. How I wish I hadn’t. I’m very glad you didn’t. Thank you for showing by example that beautiful blessings can come from terrible mistakes.
Sandi
June 10th, 2009 @ 11:43 am

Jeanette, that was beautiful, but it isn’t nice to make me cry and mess up my makeup at work . Bless you.
Heidi
June 10th, 2009 @ 11:56 am

Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I’m an adoptive mother and thank Heavenly Father everyday for the wonderful woman who gave me the opportunity to be a mother. I’m not sure others realize what an intensely spiritual experience adoption is. We were blessed to share the spiritual experiences with the birthmother and have become forever friends through the experience. Adoption truly is a “loving” choice. Something our birthmother always said that rings so true, as her experience was one like yours, where she spent the time during pregnancy putting her life back together and building her relationship with the Lord. She always says, “The baby wasn’t the mistake. I made my mistakes beforehand. The baby was just the Lord’s way of speeding up my repentance!” I love that my daughter never has to feel like she was a mistake!
wendy
June 10th, 2009 @ 12:24 pm

Thank you for sharing this so beautifully. I am an adoptive Mom, too, and I will forever be grateful for our son’s Birth Mom. I can’t imagine my life without him, without being his Mommy, and it couldn’t have happened without her. Thank you for making the choice you made.
mormonhermitmom
June 10th, 2009 @ 12:48 pm

Beautiful story. I think TWO beautiful girls were born that day.
Rachey
June 10th, 2009 @ 12:52 pm

Seriously, why did you have to make me cry at work. My first is just a few months old. Those first couple of days in the hospital are so magical, I don’t think I could ever have the strength to separate. Heavenly Father must have truly blessed you with that strength. What a brave decision.
Rebecca
June 10th, 2009 @ 2:14 pm

I am an adopted child (well grown-up now), and just recently met my birth mother. Adoption is so full of emotions for everyone involved, and reading this helped me to understand some of the feelings from the other side.
Carol Brown
June 10th, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

A beautiful and poignant post. I think birth mothers who give up their babies for adoption–as you did–are heroic. As you place the needs of the baby before you own, you show Christlike love. As you give that precious child to a loving family, you give the ultimate sacrifice because of your love. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Melissa M.
June 10th, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

I love your courage and faith in what must have been such a difficult and painful situation. Thank you for sharing your story with us!
Queen Scarlett
June 10th, 2009 @ 5:12 pm

Thank you. Thank you for sharing something so intimate with us here. I would hope that more of us will be that supportive if we have a daughter, a friend… that goes through a similar experience.
Erin
June 10th, 2009 @ 6:21 pm

Sorry, that was beautiful. There’s a typo at the end.

“No matter how much my heart breaking, I would go back on my choice. ”

I assume you mean “would NOT go back”.

Thank you. Sorry, I feel like I’m being the rude interrupter. You can delete this comment.
Jennie
June 10th, 2009 @ 6:42 pm

What a touching, tender experience. Bless you for your courage and strength.
lee
June 10th, 2009 @ 7:27 pm

I love it. My favorite part was how you “knew” the family you chose was right. I’ve often heard adoptive parents say they knew the child was “theirs”, but I have never heard a birthmother having that same experience. God is great.
Tiffany W.
June 10th, 2009 @ 7:45 pm

anon, your comment broke my heart. I can’t imagine how hard it was to be in your situation. Being a pregnant teen can never be easy especially if you don’t have any kind of loving support from family or friends. I hope that your heart has healed over the years. And thank you for being courageous to share a part of your story.
eljee
June 10th, 2009 @ 9:50 pm

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m an adoptive mom of two, and we’ve just started our journey for a third. I have a special place in my heart for my children’s birthmothers, and I wish I could see and talk to them (both of them kind of want some distance). Both of our placements, especially our sons, were so incredibly profound and spiritual. There is nothing quite like knowing that because of someone else’s willingness to endure that kind of pain, I am a mother. It’s very humbling.

Lee, I think it’s pretty common for birthmoms to have spiritual experiences choosing families, at least if they are encouraged to go to that source for inspiration and guidance. I’ve heard many birthmoms speak at LDSFS conferences and workshops, and virtually all of them have acknowledged “knowing” through the Spirit which family the Lord wanted for that baby. Our son’s birthmom had a similar experience, and while our daughter’s birthmom chose to have the agency make that decision, the agency workers all attested that after fasting and prayer, they KNEW which family our dd was supposed to go to. Heavenly Father is most definitely involved in adoption.
Rachelle
June 10th, 2009 @ 10:32 pm

This was beautiful and touching. Thank you for sharing this experience. What an amazing and courageous journey you had with your first child.
Jeannette
June 10th, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

Wow! I was planning on doing personal replies for any comments that I received. This may take me awhile. I just want to say Thank you to all of you for your kind words. A lot of times I don’t feel like anyone special. I kinda think that when we have big trials you just rise to meet it and do what you have to do – no matter how hard it is. And I think many of us are doing that all time and it just may not be as visible to outside eyes. Anyway – sincerely, thank you. There is a lot more to my story (isn’t there, usually?) but I am happy to share what I can. I really wish I had read through it a couple more times, sorry for the typos! Erin caught a big one there at the end and she is right – I meant “I would NOT go back on my choice. ”
Jeannette
June 10th, 2009 @ 11:17 pm

Justine – That is wonderful you could support your friend like that!

Les – I didn’t know that, so glad that adoption has touched your family too.

Tiffany W. – I really couldn’t have done it without all of the help that I had.

jendoop – I am glad I could help give you some perspective.

Sue – I really hope that things work out for your daughter. Wanting babies and not getting them is so hard.

BYU Women’s Services – I am glad that my words touched you.

~j. – Thank you. I couldn’t tell it any other way.

anon mom – Thank you for your comment, I loved it. I wish there were enough space/time to hear your big long story

CatherineWO – What a wonderful thing for you daughter! I am sure your whole family is so excited.

anon – You know, being a teenager really sucks sometimes. And being a pregnant teenager is really the worst. I look back and marvel at how much I didn’t know, but thought I did. I hope you have been able to find peace.

Sandi – I am sorry I made you cry at work. I make myself cry all the time. And I have cried at work before too.

Heidi – It really is all about love, isn’t it? And I love what your birthmother said, she hit the nail on the head.

wendy – That is so cool that you have experienced the love of adoption too!

mormonhermitmom – Thank you.

Rachey – At the beginning of my pregnancy I didn’t think I would have the strength to hold her and spend time with her like that and then serparate. But I was given the strength I needed. I am so grateful for that.

Rebecca – I am looking forward to the day when I will meet Jessica again. I hope that meeting your birthmom was what you needed it to be. And you are right – there are SO many emotions.

Carol Brown – Thank you for your beautiful words.

Melissa M. – Definitely one of the most paiful situations in my life, next to losing my Mom.

Queen Scarlett – It is my hope that my experiences will help someone else. And so I share my story on a public blog

Erin – I said it before, but you are totally right! I can’t believe I missed that typo.

Jennie – Thank you.

lee – I really feel like that “knowing” made it much more bearable to do. How you can doubt when you have a personal witness?

eljee – Good luck on your journey! There are times when I have wished I could have a hundred babies to give away.

Rachelle – You summed it up quite nicely, thank you.
Merry Michelle
June 10th, 2009 @ 11:18 pm

This was beautiful, honest and tender. You are an amazing person. Thank you for being so open and real about the experience.

I loved what you said about the sexual abuse being linked to promiscuity–that comment hit close to home(literally) because my sister went through similar challenges. You’ve helped us all see through your eyes and have more understanding hearts.
Lee
June 11th, 2009 @ 7:26 am

Jennette, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. This is so beautiful, so honest. I admire your courage. You are one of those wonderful people I just love! Your story is such an example to those around. And I appreciate your total honesty.
I had heard part of your story before, but that is the only Birth Mom story I have ever heard. What strength and courage. You are a great example.
Lei
June 11th, 2009 @ 7:34 am

Jeannette, this was so beautiful and real. Thank you for your example of faith. You are an incredible and inspiring woman!
Courtney
June 11th, 2009 @ 7:43 am

Like Lee, I knew part of the story but I loved reading it this way. To see the way the pregnancy was really a time for both of you to grow and prepare to enter this new life.
Ellen
June 11th, 2009 @ 9:58 am

Wow — thanks for sharing your story.
Eileen
June 11th, 2009 @ 11:34 am

Thank you so much for sharing. I’ll never have the opportunity to meet my daughter’s birth parents, but when I read stories like yours, I imagine the whole gamut of emotions her mother must have felt. I am so thankful the gift of life that is adoption.
Paula
June 11th, 2009 @ 4:02 pm

I love birth moms! And I love reading their stories. I’m an adoptive mom, too. My oldest boy is adopted and I have three biological children. I’m biased, of course, but there is no greater gift than the gift of parenthood! At night on their birthdays, before they go to bed, each of my children gets a hug and I whisper “I’m so glad you’re mine.” It’s just five words but for my adoptive son, I can’t say it without crying. I thank the Lord often for his birth mom. I hope all birth moms realize how much they so totally rock! Wonderful that you are able to share your story and touch the hearts of other women. Thank you.
Tamlynn
June 12th, 2009 @ 10:55 pm

Jeannette, I knew your story and it still made me cry! You have a beautiful way of writing. Very honest and sincere.
NC
June 13th, 2009 @ 2:50 pm

I’ve actually wanted to comment for a few days now, but it seems like nothing I can say will ever sum up how I really feel. I too am an adoptive mom and am SO grateful for our daughter’s birth mother. Her situation was a little different than yours, but it still took an incredible amount of determination to do what she did for us. There will always be a special place in our hearts for her, and for all birth mothers. I know that our Heavenly Father gives you added strength and courage to do what you do. In addition, I truly believe that there are many on the other side of the veil who are aware of your sacrifice and are there to give you added comfort when it’s needed. I know because I felt them around our birth mother, and us, the few short days we had together in the hospital before our placement. Like most stories, ours is long, but the details are amazing! I think that all of us who are involved with the adoption process gain a stronger testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who is truly aware of our needs and guides us to people and places that will help accomplish His purposes. I’m so grateful that you shared your story and hope you know what an amazing gift you give to couples like us, who might never have had the opportunity to be parents, if not for your beautiful act of love!!