Aren’t I Lucky?

Posted by Guest | December 20, 2009 | 10 Comments

Lyn Greenwood lives in Houston, TX with her husband and two children. She was raised in Colorado, graduated from BYU in Chemical Engineering and has lived in Texas for almost 12 years. She makes a valiant attempt at trying to balance all aspects of her life: loving on her family, working full-time, and training for her very first marathon in January.

My son, Thomas, doesn’t remember a time that he wasn’t part of a blended family. He was barely 2 years old when his father and I split. My husband and I began dating shortly after Thomas turned 3 and married a year after that. When introducing his family, he used to proudly inform people that “I have two daddies, aren’t I lucky?” His attitude toward his family has been so matter of fact that it has been easy for him to talk to other people about it. One of his friends even invented an imaginary step-family!

His 8th birthday party was this weekend. We had a mix of friends there – some ward friends, former classmates, current classmates, park buddies. Sierra is one of Thomas’s best friends and was at the party. I had never met her parents before Saturday and during the party we had some time to talk. Sierra’s mom noticed on the invite that our last names were different and it prompted her to ask whether Thomas was from a prior marriage.

Sierra and her twin sister are also from her mom’s previous marriage. They were the only blended family in their kindergarten classes and often felt awkward about it because none of their friends could relate to this part of their lives. Their step-dad told me that each passing year has gotten easier. They’ve met other friends with step-parents and they’ve utilized the school counseling available. When they received the invitation and realized that Thomas also had a step-dad, they were quick to point to Sierra that it was one more thing they had in common.

I was too busy chasing after eight-year-olds to really give Sierra’s mom a decent conversation. As I’ve reflected on our discussion, I’ve realized how much I’ve longed to talk to someone in a similar family situation as me. Divorce, remarriage, and step-parenting have been difficult topics for me to discuss with other church members. My experience has generally been that if I do bring it up, I receive sympathetic nods or encouraging words. There have been the rare times when I’ve vented about my ex-husband or the challenges of co-parenting and received a distinct feeling of being judged: “it’s your own fault for being divorced in the first place.” It wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how much I want someone that I can really talk to. Not just the fake pleasantries – but an honest conversation about how to cope. It still seems to be a topic you don’t bring up in polite company, or at least one you don’t bring up if you want to continue to show your best side.

I’d like to believe that along the way I had something to do with the attitude Thomas has about sharing his family situation with others. But if that is the case, why am I not as comfortable as he is when relating experiences? I don’t wish divorce on anyone but just like Sierra and her mom I do wish that I had someone to talk to.

What have been your experiences talking to others about your family situation?
Where have you found support for your blended family?

Comments

10 Responses to “Aren’t I Lucky?”

Miggy
December 21st, 2009 @ 8:06 am

I can relate with this on a different level. Being from family of divorce and step-parents and half-siblings I have to say I sometimes felt like the ‘messed up one.’ I mean growing up I felt fortunate enough to have a lot of great friends with great families who didn’t make me feel that way at all. However, there were only a couple friends I felt like I could really talk to about my family. {And in all honestly, most of the time it wasn’t even about the divorce aspect, but my mom and I don’t have a great relationship and in general there were things about my family that I think we’re really unhealthy….so really, it wasn’t about the divorce it was about having an unstable family no matter who was involved.} And then I went to BYU where I felt even more out of place. It seemed like everyone around me came from these amazing families and what’s worse I felt like a bad person because I didn’t really like my family that much. For a while I sort of tried to pretend that everything was great and that things with my family–although not perfect, were pretty good. It just wasn’t the case.

Eventually I met other people who also came from complicated situations. I started to realize that some of the issues I had with my family were legit and that I shouldn’t feel bad if I had issues with them. Of course I’ve also come to realize that now I’m an adult it’s my responsibility to try and work on things as well–or at least not fall into the same bad patterns.

Probably not what you were looking for since it’s not really the same–but talking about family issues is never very easy, especially with people who have never been there. Luckily there are people who understand–as a young single adult I found a couple Bishops to be helpful. Even if you have just one person you can talk to, it will help tremendously.
Sinclair
December 21st, 2009 @ 11:10 am

I divorced my first husband when our son was two. I then spent 3.5 years as a single parent, more than reluctant to venture back into the world of dating and worse, the YSA/SA social activities. Referring to my then self as “done” with men and marriage would be very, very generous.

My heart softened in time enough to consider, ponder then recieve confirmation about remarrying. Still, it was not easy since my decision would also affect my son.

DH moved his things into “my” house the day before the ceremony and officially after our honeymoon. “My” son then became “ours” and the little guy did not take to it kindly. DH wasn’t just a new face at the dinner table, he was also a new disciplinarian, a stranger with the intimate title of Dad – albeit “Step” – and someone with whom my time, attention and affections were to be shared. Still, I think the little guy adjusted faster than me.

It was hard, VERY hard, to sit back while DH disciplined my, er “our”, son. Still is at times and though I’m fully aware of just how much DH loves the kid, I wonder at times if he wouldn’t be more patient, nurturing and kind in those moments were he to have been there to hold him right after he was born. After all, I have grown as a mother as my oldest has matured, our paces somehow matching one another or catching up in time to meet critical needs. DH hasn’t had that, having come into the picture months after his fifth birthday.

I have tried voicing my frustrations with other women in the ward who are about my age with children close to the same age as my son only to leave those conversations, time and again, dumbfounded and injured. That they think I am lucky to have met and married someone so willing to consider me as a spouse given my “situation” at the time of our meeting is insulting. Further, I have been left to feel as though I were “used goods”, the refuse of my first husband who did far more damage to me than eyes can behold. Perhaps they think he would have preferred to have a shinier, newer model without these sacred stretch marks, sagging breasts and imperfect figure? Besides, as lucky as I do consider myself to have met and married DH, I have never once considered my single parent status to have been anything other than a bonus for myself and DH who gained a full fledged family when we committed ourselves to one another. Sadly, my polite social filters restrain me from so stating when confronted by those who are so comfortable in stating their unkind thoughts.

There are women in the ward with blended families who “get it” but others just don’t nor do they care to hear my venting.

It’s not easy, not at all, and it makes it all the more difficult to connect with others whose judgment of my decision to divorce my first husband, however spiritually prompted, far outweight their compassion and willingness to listen as we navigate the muddy waters of step-parenting and becoming more complete companions.
Courtney
December 21st, 2009 @ 11:32 am

I have very little experience with divorce. As someone who wants to be a good friend but doesn’t know how to do much more than offer “sympathetic nods or encouraging words.” What should I know and more importantly what should I say and do to be a more compassionate and helpful friend?
Marla C
December 21st, 2009 @ 2:12 pm

Hear, hear, Lyn. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

I was divorced at the age of thirty, but grew up in one of those “amazing” families. My husband left because of infidelity. I preface that to say that the best friendship is one that allows me to be myself, and yet is sensitive to all the complexities of my life.

One of my most difficult moments post-divorce was attending a brunch where various wives verbally reassured themselves that their husbands would never be unfaithful to, or leave them. At the time it was so painful to hear. I had surely felt the same way, yet here I was.

Five years later I can see that those wives were shaken by what had happened to me, and were seeking comfort from their own friends that such an event would never happen.

Another member of my ward expressed surprise that a “divorced” person would be called to teach Gospel Doctrine.

Maybe if people can remember that we are you. We grew up with medallions and personal progress. We went to BYU, married someone we loved, and hoped and prayed for the best. The fears you feel about your own family, came true in ours.

We have a completely different part of our lives that deals with such painful and frustrating things as: ex-spouses, step-children, child support, step-parents, legal battles, visitation and even trying to pick a Target to shop at where I won’t see my husband’s ex.

So please be my friend, but also allow some room and discussion for this huge part of my life. Ask me about my divorce, and let me talk to you about the complexities of my life. And remember that I am kind of, just like you.
lyn
December 21st, 2009 @ 7:21 pm

Miggy – thanks for sharing your experience. I think you’re right – that it can be difficult to sharing family experiences regardless of what situation our families are in.

Sinclair – I get it!! And I totally understand about the transition being harder for you. After being a single mom for those couple of years, it was easier to keep doing my routine than to try and put someone else into the middle of it. It was hard!!

Courtney – your question made me stop and think For me, I think asking questions and being engaged in the conversation goes a long way. In a lot of situations we just don’t know what to say – I think this is one of those situations. I don’t mind people asking questions – or even asking things about the past. I actually like what Marla says in her last paragraph.

Marla – Yes!! Amen to everything you said.
anon
December 21st, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

Ah yes…I totally get the “but he is such a great guy to have married you with both your kids!” whenever I vent about common husband/wife problems or father/child problems. I mean, ya, he’s a great guy and I think he’s amazing for taking on two kids…but he’s also sometimes an idiot husband, too. And I need to vent about it just as much as the next wife.

One thing I wish my friends would do is to be more considerate that my kids are not here on the weekends- they go see their dad. A lot of playdates, birthday parties, activities, etc are planned on the weekends, and it would be nice if they could sometimes plan stuff during the week so my kids could be included. They often get left out. Ie, ward park days are *always* on Fridays.
Angie
December 22nd, 2009 @ 11:10 am

My parents divorced 11 years ago, when I was 26. I am still so sad about it. I struggle with being able to have a conversation like the ones described in the comments; my own grief is so raw and heavy. I don’t like hearing women “vent” about their husbands or family situations, unless they are very, very close friends. Otherwise, it just fills me with dread that another divorce is in the making.
Katrina
December 24th, 2009 @ 1:21 pm

I totally get wanting to have someone to talk to that really gets it. I am the second wife and step-mom to three and have really longed to have someone who was in a similar situation to talk to. I have been fortunate that many of my friends have been understanding and good at asking questions. I do feel that I’ve been able to vent and discuss my situation with them even if they can’t fully “get it”. Sometimes I do feel like a bit of a sideshow though. Thats an extreme term but I feel like people are sometime just fascinated with how my life is so different from theirs. But I’d rather have the questions than not. I think there is a real human need to feel like we have someone who understands us and when your life is in anyway outside of the box, that can be hard to find.
emily
December 29th, 2009 @ 6:42 am

A friend sent me your blog post and I was happy to read it! I also have a “blended” family. I divorced before my son was even one year old and remarried within a year. My husband is the only father my son new for years until his bio-dad decided at the age of 5 he would appear every year and then at age 8 start calling and such… that was really hard! I find the reason we don’t like to tell people that his dad is really his “step-dad” is because then I feel that for some reason every thing my husband does will be judged differently because “oh, he is just the stepdad.” or “Oh, he shouldn’t do that or say that because he is just the stepdad” When in reality he is the only one who has raised him! My son still has my ex’s last name which makes it difficult but the good thing is is that he has been sealed to us in the temple! Turns out all you have to do is get a permission slip from your ex and you don’t even have to go through the adoption process! For us that is not an option yet.. hopefully some day! I feel that if you act like it is no big deal… just like you son does, then it is “no big deal” hard for us as mothers, yes, but it is our “normal” When kids know no different it is also their normal… sadly the world just isn’t the same as it used to be and blended families are more common then not! I will say this.. it still sucks!! But… God has a plan for every family combined or not.
stainless steel mailbox
January 17th, 2010 @ 11:24 am

My dad purchased a new one for my home. But I am having some problems and I am looking for help.