One thing I wish my friends would do is to be more considerate that my kids are not here on the weekends- they go see their dad. A lot of playdates, birthday parties, activities, etc are planned on the weekends, and it would be nice if they could sometimes plan stuff during the week so my kids could be included. They often get left out. Ie, ward park days are *always* on Fridays.

Sinclair – I get it!! And I totally understand about the transition being harder for you. After being a single mom for those couple of years, it was easier to keep doing my routine than to try and put someone else into the middle of it. It was hard!!

Courtney – your question made me stop and think For me, I think asking questions and being engaged in the conversation goes a long way. In a lot of situations we just don’t know what to say – I think this is one of those situations. I don’t mind people asking questions – or even asking things about the past. I actually like what Marla says in her last paragraph.

Marla – Yes!! Amen to everything you said.

I was divorced at the age of thirty, but grew up in one of those “amazing” families. My husband left because of infidelity. I preface that to say that the best friendship is one that allows me to be myself, and yet is sensitive to all the complexities of my life.

One of my most difficult moments post-divorce was attending a brunch where various wives verbally reassured themselves that their husbands would never be unfaithful to, or leave them. At the time it was so painful to hear. I had surely felt the same way, yet here I was.

Five years later I can see that those wives were shaken by what had happened to me, and were seeking comfort from their own friends that such an event would never happen.

Another member of my ward expressed surprise that a “divorced” person would be called to teach Gospel Doctrine.

Maybe if people can remember that we are you. We grew up with medallions and personal progress. We went to BYU, married someone we loved, and hoped and prayed for the best. The fears you feel about your own family, came true in ours.

We have a completely different part of our lives that deals with such painful and frustrating things as: ex-spouses, step-children, child support, step-parents, legal battles, visitation and even trying to pick a Target to shop at where I won’t see my husband’s ex.

So please be my friend, but also allow some room and discussion for this huge part of my life. Ask me about my divorce, and let me talk to you about the complexities of my life. And remember that I am kind of, just like you.

My heart softened in time enough to consider, ponder then recieve confirmation about remarrying. Still, it was not easy since my decision would also affect my son.

DH moved his things into “my” house the day before the ceremony and officially after our honeymoon. “My” son then became “ours” and the little guy did not take to it kindly. DH wasn’t just a new face at the dinner table, he was also a new disciplinarian, a stranger with the intimate title of Dad – albeit “Step” – and someone with whom my time, attention and affections were to be shared. Still, I think the little guy adjusted faster than me.

It was hard, VERY hard, to sit back while DH disciplined my, er “our”, son. Still is at times and though I’m fully aware of just how much DH loves the kid, I wonder at times if he wouldn’t be more patient, nurturing and kind in those moments were he to have been there to hold him right after he was born. After all, I have grown as a mother as my oldest has matured, our paces somehow matching one another or catching up in time to meet critical needs. DH hasn’t had that, having come into the picture months after his fifth birthday.

I have tried voicing my frustrations with other women in the ward who are about my age with children close to the same age as my son only to leave those conversations, time and again, dumbfounded and injured. That they think I am lucky to have met and married someone so willing to consider me as a spouse given my “situation” at the time of our meeting is insulting. Further, I have been left to feel as though I were “used goods”, the refuse of my first husband who did far more damage to me than eyes can behold. Perhaps they think he would have preferred to have a shinier, newer model without these sacred stretch marks, sagging breasts and imperfect figure? Besides, as lucky as I do consider myself to have met and married DH, I have never once considered my single parent status to have been anything other than a bonus for myself and DH who gained a full fledged family when we committed ourselves to one another. Sadly, my polite social filters restrain me from so stating when confronted by those who are so comfortable in stating their unkind thoughts.

There are women in the ward with blended families who “get it” but others just don’t nor do they care to hear my venting.

It’s not easy, not at all, and it makes it all the more difficult to connect with others whose judgment of my decision to divorce my first husband, however spiritually prompted, far outweight their compassion and willingness to listen as we navigate the muddy waters of step-parenting and becoming more complete companions.

Eventually I met other people who also came from complicated situations. I started to realize that some of the issues I had with my family were legit and that I shouldn’t feel bad if I had issues with them. Of course I’ve also come to realize that now I’m an adult it’s my responsibility to try and work on things as well–or at least not fall into the same bad patterns.

Probably not what you were looking for since it’s not really the same–but talking about family issues is never very easy, especially with people who have never been there. Luckily there are people who understand–as a young single adult I found a couple Bishops to be helpful. Even if you have just one person you can talk to, it will help tremendously.