All the single ladies

Posted by Dalene | April 8, 2009 | 121 Comments

I still remember when, shortly after moving into our ward, my good friend Melody was approached by a sister in the ward regarding some enrichment activity. Apparently the woman had mistaken her for another single sister who lived a few houses down the street. As Melody kindly straightened her out the woman abruptly said, “Oh. You’re the other one.” This was the first time I became distinctly aware of how insensitive we can sometimes be–whether inadvertently or intentionally–to the single ladies–whether not-yet-married, never-married, divorced or widowed. Sadly, it wasn’t the last time I noticed this kind of exclusivity.

Today’s Ask Nine Women discussion is inspired by some welcome feedback we received from one of our readers:

I understand that the majority of your readership consists of married women, but there must be single women out there, like myself, who long to have their own, ‘She gets it!’ moments as they read the Segullah blog. I ask this not just for our own comfort, but that our married counterparts may gain a better understanding of the unique and often unheard of trials that we face as single sisters. While the number of single sisters in the church is growing, many of us still struggle to find our footing in the Latter-Day Saint community as we head down the road not taken, or better yet, the road not desired!

As the mission of Segullah is to, “promote greater understanding and faith among Latter-Day Saint women,” it would only be appropriate to include a wider survey of the varying roles and realities that all Latter-Day Saint women inhibit — the wives, the mothers, the widows, and, speaking for those like myself, the never married, for whom exclusion from the community of womanhood can be an all too familiar feeling. It should be well remembered that while all mothers are women, not all women are mothers…or wives, for that matter. Most single women never have been, and, sadly, many never will be.

Beautifully said, thank you.

I hope broaching this subject will encourage more women from a variety of backgrounds and situations to submit–to the journal and to the blog.

But in the meantime, let’s have an open forum today about the realities of being a single Latter-day Saint woman. I hope you will feel comfortable enough here to speak freely. Please share with us your perspectives and tell us about some of your experiences–not only of when you may have felt excluded, but also if and when others have reached out to you and been inclusive, as well.

Category: Ask Nine Women

Comments

121 Responses to “All the single ladies”

Tiffany W.
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:12 am

I think this is a great topic. One of my dear friends is this amazing, brilliant, articulate woman who studies dilligently for her PhD but also devotes her life to teaching children music. She is extraordinary and I love her. She is also single. One time we were at the temple together and she briefly mentioned how painful attending the temple was for her because she felt excluded from many of the blessings of the temple. I was astonished, not realizing that’s how she felt.

I’ve never viewed her as less than a complete woman. She has so many gifts and talents and is a true delight to know. But I wonder if I’ve ever hurt her inadvertantly with foolish comments or thoughtless actions.

What can I do to make my single friends feel more included and valued?
erinannie
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:24 am

I’m now in my mid-30′s and never married. I understand this sister’s request to be recognized all too well.
I have lived around the US as an adult on my own, and have learned that every ward has a different way of “dealing with” the singles. There is nothing more frustrating and heart breaking than sitting in ward council meetings and hearing yourself described as “dealt with.” After all, it isn’t like I chose to be different from the mainstream of the Church. I didn’t ask for this. And yet, just being who I am, puts me into some special needs category. And it hurts.
It hurts each week when I hear the Relief Society activities announced. I love my current ward. They have befriended me quickly and welcomed me in. (Compared to the last ward that politely invited me to find a different ward to be in since I would be the only single woman under the age of 50, and they didn’t know what to do with me. Their words, not mine.) But the activities my RS plans includes “Family Home Evening Night.” At first I was excited thinking I was going to get to join some families for weekly FHE. But no, it turns out this is the night the moms get together and swap FHE lessons by age group (toddler, preschool, elementary, etc). Definitely not a place I would fit in. And then there is the walking club, that walks while I’m at work. And the kids in the park club, but I have no kids. And while I am happy they bond over scrapbooking, I still hate scrapping.
When did I go from being a contributing member of the ward to a special needs project? At what point did it stop being cute to have a young single woman around to suddenly being a burden for the high priests group?
I haven’t felt “at home” at church in several years. I miss that feeling of belonging to my ward. I still try. I offer to get involved. I attend the activities I have a place at. But it isn’t easy. And it hasn’t been for a long time.
Molly's cousin
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:39 am

This touches my heart because I often think the culture of the Church is difficult for those who are “not mainstream” as described so graciously by erinannie. I have often felt outside of the norm myself being a somewhat more liberal, less domestic-oriented type of gal. The Relief Society in particular has no small task in meeting the needs of so many diverse women. I have to remember to seperate the Gospel from the culture of the Church, and know that the Lord understands me, and others who may not feel that they always “fit in.”
Kay
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:58 am

Quite frankly I found that single life in the church once you hit your 30′s was hell. It sounds a strong word to use but fits. Most people have no concept what it is like. To not really feel part of everything. To sit in R.S. lessons which are geared to family life, which discuss relationships, talk of eternal families and the challenges they bring is unbearable at times. I think in general the leadership are aware of you and try to include you but honestly have no idea how you are feeling inside. We hear talks by general authorities telling us that we will recieve those blessings some day but the eternities seem a long way off. It is so hard and it feels like forever, you never know if this time will pass. You hope and pray for a husband and children as you watch all of your family and friends get married. The truth is that it is so hard you cannot simply explain it and the pain that it brings. I married in my 30′s but I can never forget what I went through to get to this point in my life.
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:15 am

I hope to have a broader response later, but wanted to comment on Tiffany’s #1: Temple service is, bar none, the most difficult part of my church life. I listen to and believe all that I am taught, make and keep all the covenants, learn and do all I am supposed to, and am ushered into the presence of God and …

And there never has been and never will be anybody waiting for me in the celestial room. The Temple is an enormous build-up followed by an enormous let-down when I reach the pinnacle and discover that there is nothing for me to do but look around at other people’s happiness, then leave.

I have to count my Temple service in providing the names of those who need proxy ordinances and making it possible for all those happy people to meet in the celestial room, because attending the Temple myself is too harsh.
Lucy
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:22 am

I have tried to figure it out for years. I am single. In an organization in which I am invisible for the most part. It is definately a church for couples and families. Being single is some kind of second class citizen in the Church. I get very tired of lessons and talks about the ‘family’. But I have no idea what the answer is. Family has to be taught and taught again.

Because I know that it is a gospel of truth, it keeps me going. But if it weren’t for that, this is a society I would never want to belong to. As a single person, that is. As it is now, except for Sacrament meeting, I pick and choose my meetings. The Saturday night before Stake Conference meeting is out. It is ALWAYS about families. It is a meeting I cannot deal with.
Katie
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:28 am

How can I, as a young mother with young children, best reach out to the single sisters in my ward? I really understand how bad it can feel to be excluded in the ward, but at this point my children really do envelop almost every aspect of my life and I worry that the things I do or say will just make you feel more different and excluded. If I invite you over for family home evening where a bunch of kids are running around, will it make you feel welcome, or will it just make you feel even worse? If I talk to you about my children will it make you feel glad I’m talking to you, or will you feel even more keenly how different you are? What can I do to help you feel more welcome and included?
Heather
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:41 am

I know there are some wards out there that do a truly terrible job at including people who are different. Those differences can come from marital status, race, education, etc. I also know there are wards that do a wonderful job. I know this because I have been in a couple of them. In Utah even.

It really is difficult to be an older single sister. I’m sure it’s difficult for older single brothers too. What I do know is that the Lord knows who we are. He knows our needs. He knows what the people around us need. Sometimes being in a difficult ward is a test for us. It tests our resolve and our faith. It tests our powers of forgiveness and our strength to endure. And sometimes the test is for others.

After years of acutely longing for the blessings of family life I learned that my brother (who had married his sweetheart 12 years earlier and had 7 kids) envied me my freedom and adventures. It boggled my mind.

I guess my point is that we all long for things we can’t have. And no matter how it might seem otherwise, nobody really feels like they fit in perfectly. Find your groove and feel free to teach others how to deal. If done in the right spirit, all will benefit.
ashley
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:54 am

Reading these comments makes me feel a little bit terrified of being single in a family ward. Singles wards certainly have their quirks, so I’ve never really contemplated the benefits of worshipping with a large body of single saints.

In my last singles ward, the Bishop had people to speak in sacrament meeting when they were “graduating” from the ward — some were moving on to get married, while others were being kicked out because they’d reached the magical age of 32 (or is it 31?). The whole situation was treated like a big joke, but I thought it was pretty sad.
Jinxie
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:59 am

The question has been raised as to what married women can do to include us singletons. Basically, be our friends. I don’t mind invitations from married friends to FHEs, family dinners, or, especially when I’m far from home, holidays. I, and many other singletons, love children and don’t mind spending time with them at all. If every conversation we ever have revolves around your kids, we’ll probably run out of things to talk about after awhile, because I only have so many stories and insights to contribute. But if sometimes we talk about your kids, and sometimes we talk about that one movie, or what I’m doing in school, or whatever else, then we can have a great friendship.

Just as you’re more than a mother and wife, I’m more than just a single woman. We have lots of other contributing “roles” and experiences we can share and talk about, as long as we don’t just see each other as married v. single. And hey, I bet you can use a girls night out (or in) just as much as I can.
HeidiAnn
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:14 am

Ditto to Katie’s comment-I feel the exact same.

Ardis, I’m sorry to hear that the Celestial Room has been a sorrowful experience. I can definitely see how it can be that way. I think I have felt something similar when I see parents there with their children, or when I see a father baptize his child. I’m the only member in my family (of origin). I don’t like it when people tell me I can just baptize my parents after they die, which I imagine must feel similar to when people say you can marry/have children in the eternities.

Some of my very best experiences in the Celestial Room have occurred without my husband there when I was part of an RS Enrichment “Temple” Group. We attended just as a group of sisters, and it was such a wonderful experience to be greeted and greet my fellow sisters in that place. It was a sacred experience sitting there on the sofa, arms around each other’s shoulders, whispering of our trials and hopes and encouraging one another in the House of the Lord. I’m sure you’ve probably attended the temple with other sisters, and I don’t mean to make it sound like you should feel just like I did. I just wanted to share that with you.
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:15 am

Being single in the church means you can be on time to your meetings. It means you can keep your home as clean and orderly and quiet as you are willing to make it. It means nobody ever takes a purple crayon to your scriptures or to your grandmother’s wedding portrait. It means you travel light because you don’t have to pack a diaper bag or stuff your purse with kiddy toys. It means you can go to the temple or to funerals or to a welfare assignment without finding a babysitter. It means you can go to non-essential church activities, or not, as you wish, and not because it would be good for someone else. It generally means you have lots of privacy.

It means you have to find your way in the gospel pretty much on your own, because virtually every lesson will turn into “how we can teach this to our children” rather than “how we can live this individually.” It means everybody assumes you have lots and lots of free time and should volunteer for all the service projects, when in fact you have to do everything a couple does, but solo. It can mean listening to a lot of lessons and talks with the admonition that “this means you single sisters, too!” without any indication of how a lesson on “sustaining your husband in his callings” applies to you. It can mean listening to a lot of admonishments that “you single sisters will need to learn this so you can practice it in the celestial kingdom!” It means being unable to participate in the ward’s food storage bargains because everything they order comes in the giant economy size, and you can’t imagine how you could open and eat a gallon of lima beans before they spoil. It means eating for one but being expected to bring pot luck for ten. It means Mother’s Day. It means being taught over and over and over and over and over and over and over that wifehood and motherhood are the pinnacles of a woman’s purpose in life, with everything else such a distant second that nobody ever bothers to mention the second place. It means being told in Worldwide Leadership Training that the Church teaches to the pattern and not the exception, and that although church leaders love and care about us exceptions, they don’t have time to teach anything that addresses us. It means being told repeatedly that you, too, can be a Mother in Israel by baking cookies and taking your nieces shopping, as if that somehow equated to the experience you mothers have with your children. It means having a Relief Society teacher teach with a straight face that it’s okay if you aren’t married in this life, because there are “lots and lots of old dudes in the celestial kingdom that are willing to be polygamists, if you can talk their first wife into it.” It means being told over and over that you need to support young wives and mothers by offering to babysit so they can date their husbands, without anybody ever being told that perhaps you might welcome some help with your own social life. It’s having group activities and RS interest groups planned for singles with no recognition that we don’t necessarily share the same interests just because we share the same marital status. It’s being assigned home teachers who are high priests because you’ve crossed that magic age line, and the high priests are so old and feeble that you feel you should be taking care of them rather than ever being able to call on them for help.

It’s life.
Tiffany W.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:17 am

I sometimes wish that people wouldn’t talk about women in terms of their ability to be mothers as the only thing that defines them. It really bothers me because motherhood is dependent upon a man and to a woman to achieve. That’s why I don’t think that motherhood is the equivalent of the Priesthood. A man can still hold the priesthood even if he’s not married or a father.

I wish we could celebrate the varied and awesome contributions women make to society. For example, my friend that I mentioned in the first comment, has done such extraordinary work with her PhD. She has unraveled and untangled a mystery of the ages that had maligned a good woman. She has unlocked the mysteries of music to hundreds of children. Her intellect and faith enliven my own life.

As for me, as much as I love being a mother, I also feel that I’ve made contributions to the world that don’t relate to my family.

Sorry, that was probably off topic. But this has just been thought-provoking topic.
Tiffany W.
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:20 am

Ardis, thanks for being so candid.
Emily H
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:34 am

I agree with Jinxie. I think in general it’s a great idea to befriend people on the basis of truly wanting to get to know them, as opposed to befriending someone as a service to the other person. Also, well-rounded conversations are much more interesting, regardless of the people’s backgrounds.

I married at an “older” age (comparatively speaking), and now I’m in a ward with a lot of younger women (student ward…I married a younger man) who have children already, and all they talk about are their kids. It’s frustrating and very isolating. We just (seem to) have nothing in common.

Point being: if you find someone who has similar interests as you and you become true friends, it’s not a problem wondering if you’ll “offend” a single sister by mentioning your kids or inviting them to dinner. It’ll just be friends being friends.
CTW
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:44 am

I’ve loved reading this post and insightful comments. While I am married, I have single friends and I know that it can be extremely difficult. I think all the comments should be required reading for those serving in bishoprics, and in the Relief Society. We as church members need to do a better job at helping people who don’t fit,either by choice or circumstance, into the “ideal mold” find a place of peace and comfort within the church.
Kristin
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:44 am

Jinxie–Thanks so much for your comments. I think that more of us really care about the single sisters in our wards and neighborhoods than some single sisters might think…we just don’t know what to do about it.

Hearing of your struggles is only half the information we need. Just as those who are married and long for children struggle. Or those who are married, but are silently unhappy in their marriages, which appear glowing to others in the ward. Or those who struggle with health issues, etc. etc.

Recognizing the challenges in others is important, but what is more important, is learning to know how to better serve those faced with such challenges. Your comments were most helpful.

We have some amazing sisters in our ward, who claim a wide range of answers for their marital status. Makes me want to do more to reach outside my bubble and make friends. Maybe I need those friendships more than the other sisters need me.
erinannie
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:44 am

Ardis- that was beautifully put. Thank you!

I’d like to add one more little thing.

To those sisters (and occasionally men) who think it is cute/funny/flattering to tell a single sister that you and your husband would “totally pick” her as a sister wife, if polygamy was ever commanded again, PLEASE DON’T.

It isn’t flattering. It’s actually revolting. (9 times out of 10 we only pretend to like your husband in the first place.) This is one of the most awful things that gets said to me. It ranks right above you handing me your cute baby and telling me to get some practice so I can want one too someday. You don’t get that I do want one. I am completely jealous of yours. Please, please don’t rub it in. And please, whatever you do, please don’t tell us we make great sloppy seconds for a sister wife.

Invite us over for dinner. Invite us for FHE. Invite us over on holidays if we live far from home. You have no idea how much it hurts to be sitting at home on a family holiday, hoping for an invitation somewhere. We want to be with a family, even if it isn’t our own. And most single women (not all, but most) crave babies and have some seriously aching maternal instincts going on. We want to hold your baby and play with your kids. Just don’t force them on us.
cheryl
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:45 am

Awesome post! I’m learning a lot…
Tiffany W.
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:02 am

erinannie, I’m appalled for you. The thought of telling someone that they would make an awesome sister wife is . . . yucky.
Becky
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:06 am

I love the writing of Segullah blog contributors but I will admit that I stopped reading every day because so many of the entries either were far beyond my life’s experiences or they painfully brought to the surface so many of my unmet desires for husband and family.

As far as how to reach out as a mother of young children, I can only offer my own experiences. It took me a while to feel comfortable to accept the invitations I was offered in my ward – but even when I declined I appreciated the offers. That’s probably more my own personality than anything else. Now that I have made some good friends among the families in my ward I can tell you I would far rather spend an evening on their couch being entertained by the antics of their children than attempting to attend yet another party where I might ‘meet someone’.

I have a few friends who have gone out of their way to understand what my life is like. Thoughtful questions like the one where I was asked what it is like to attend a family ward where men I once went out with also attend with their wives and children help me to feel that people care about knowing and understanding my experience. Of course, those kinds of questions are welcome only in the right context and tone, as all such personal questions are.

My married friends with young children treat me as an individual. It’s the basic key to all relationships, isn’t it?

I recently served as eduction counselor in my ward. I know that the enrichment counselor struggled to find activities that would appeal to the single and other working-during-the-day sisters. Nothing ever got enough attendance to work, but it wasn’t for lack of trying and still the complaints continued. So I have a lot of sympathy for the leaders trying to meet our needs.

I do not have sympathy for those who, as in one ward council meeting I attended, tend to think of us needing to be taken by the hand to accomplish things any adult can do. One brother talked about how FHE is a program all should have in their homes and that was why the ward needed to have an FHE program for the singles. Huh? I’m an adult too (in fact at 36 I’m nearly a decade older than this guy). I can and do have my own FHE traditions. I don’t need someone else to set it up for me. I am also very capable of inviting others to join me. Create a program if the singles want and ask for it. Otherwise, please don’t make Monday night one more church obligation for me.

I could go on and on but I think Ardis said most of it eloquently already. I’ll return to my irregular lurking now.
Justine
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:24 am

I don’t know this sorrow, but people I love do. And watching them struggle through this has filled me with so much sadness and increased love for them. We’ve each got such unique and painful struggles to manage through in this life. It’s reason enough to love each other more. The fact is that the world is just so full of capable, competent women who I am so constantly in awe of. We could all use a chance to get to know each other more. Our strength and vitality as a group would be far stronger than any attempt to stand alone.

And Becky, you are so right that being single is not a disease, and you are not a special needs group that cannot manage life for yourself. I’m sure most of those sentiments come from a place of concern and love, but they can certainly come off wrong. I think, for the most part, people just want to feel useful and helpful. Sometimes that translates into unnecessary and unwanted ‘programs’. We’re all struggling through this life, yet the Lord still asks us to get to work. And so we do, eh?
Rachie
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:30 am

Ardis hit the nail ON THE HEAD.

What can you do for single sisters?

1. Don’t treat us as a project. If you want us to feel included, get to know us for who we really are–we’re more than a marital status.

2. When you make plans to hang out with us, don’t ask if you can bring your husband/boyfriend along. I’m not friends with your husband, I’m friends with you and I’ve been looking forward to spending time with you. Sorry to say it, but your husband kind of puts a damper on things, and you see him ALL THE TIME. Can’t you spend a couple of hours without him? Also, whether you realize it or not, you’ve just turned us into the third wheel by inviting your husband along. I hate being the third wheel. HATE IT.

3. Don’t tell me I’ll be married in the next life. It’s not comforting AT ALL. Maybe it should be, but it’s not. Sorry.

4. Don’t make assumptions about us. Nothing is more insulting than somebody assuming that just because we don’t have kids our time doesn’t matter or we don’t have a lot to do. Single people still have all the responsibilities of holding down a job AND running a household–and without the help of a spouse.

5. Please don’t pity us. Be understanding of our difficulties, but I don’t want your pity.

Honestly, it is hard to know what to do with single members, because often I think we don’t know what we want ourselves. I appreciate being asked to sit with people during sacrament meeting, but honestly I’d rather just sit by the wall and be as invisible as possible. I go to a family ward because it makes me feel less awful than the singles wards, where it seems like I’ve been sized up and categorized (“threat” or “no threat” by the girls and “datable” or “not datable” by the guys) within ten seconds of walking through the door. But going to church is still hard. Believe it or not, I think Sunday is the day single people feel the loneliest, and I just try to make it through in one piece.

Being single means being scared a lot. What if I lose my job? What if my parents die? (My parents are a big help to me.) What if somebody breaks into my house? But the biggest is What if I NEVER get married? The prospect of facing life as an elderly singleton is absolutely terrifying, especially when you consider you might not have enough money to live on or you might spend your later years in a nursing home with nobody to visit you.

It’s hard being single.
QueenScarlett
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:38 am

I was married older than the normal Mormon age. In fact I left BYU *gasp* unmarried. Honestly… husband hunting like all the girls in my freshman year… was so not for me. I was too busy pursuing education for a career. I also found bribing boys with plates of chocolate chip cookies…a bit degrading. I thought the boys should be bringing me cookies.

When I finally did get married – my hubby and I were in a ward labeled “newlywed” and “nearly dead”. We had a lot of women in the ward who were very young, didn’t graduate school, and had a litter of kids running around. I was working in a career with no kids at the time…and felt completely out of place.

While this doesn’t even compare to the loneliness of being single… I discovered that if I was honest, I felt superior to those women with my degree, my business trips and my freedom sans kids.

At the same time I would complain how they weren’t inclusive, didn’t know what to talk about except diapers, ignorant, etc. etc.

Then I discovered… the tried and true action I have had to repeat over and over… I had to reach out first. Once I started doing that… things opened up…maybe not with everyone, but with a few choice women I still adore.

It doesn’t matter if we’re married, single, widowed, grandmas… we can all get together for girls night out – dinner, movie, book group. I have friends of all ages, sizes, ethnicities and situations in life. I actually prefer people who are not my age, not in my same situations because I am able to learn MORE from them.

Now that I have children, I work hard at making sure my conversations are filled with more than just the stuff of kids. Don’t get me wrong…I can babble all day long about my girls – BUT I also like to talk about other things…and I admit, it is hard to find women like that.

I also think if we’re preoccupied with one aspect of who we are – we lose the opportunity to let ourselves define who we are. Sure I’m a mom, a wife, a friend…yada yada – but I am a woman first…and that means I create who I am, I decide my attitude, my reach or my stumbling blocks.

I’ve moved into wards where no one reaches out… so I find that my role in life is to be that new person that reaches out…and then continue to be the old person that reaches out…it’s my lot in life.

I miss Sheri Dew… I miss the example she was for all of us… not as a single woman – but as a strong woman with purpose, struggles and faith. She’s the kind of woman I want to hang out with…
QueenScarlett
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:39 am

ps. I would much rather start my own activities with people I want to get to know…than have a church activity plan who I should hang out with… but that’s me.
Rachie
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:41 am

Also, Ardis, I hear you on the “eating for one, bringing potluck for ten.” Mostly I don’t mind, but sometimes, it’s like, I paid $10 for my potluck contribution and fed one person. My sister paid $10 her potluck and fed her family of six. Then again, my parents always buy the meat, so I guess it’s not fair for them either.
Dovie
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:45 am

I visit teach a young sister and mother who has never been married. I believe part of the reason she doesn’t feel comfortable coming to church is because she doesn’t feel like there is a place for her there. My sweet mama was single with four little children for lots of years and I know that on occasion she was shunned, judged and excluded. Sometimes on purpose sometimes not. Some of the most hurtful yet refining moments for her were pushing through that and participating anyway because she loved her children and she loved the Lord.

I have often wondered about my impact on the sisters in the ward. Especially when I was called to teach Relief Society. So much of my mortal experience is consumed with the role of mother and wife that I’m sure some of the ways that I’ve taught, experiences I’ve shared have felt exclusive and even hurtful. I’m sure the single sisters (whatever their circumstance) and the married women without children were on occasion were excluded or injured by my words. This life is the only one that I know so it is where I have to teach from, but some guidance on how to do this better with more sensitivity and love would be wonderful.
alanna
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:47 am

Thanks for the suggestions.
alanna
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:09 pm

This is such a tough subject. I too have single friends and family members that I love dearly.
The problem for me is that how each of them want to be treated is as varied as their personalities. One would liked to be invited to FHE, another wouldn’t attend my wedding because it was too painful a reminder of being single.
One sister is completely candid and open about her singleness, yet another is so bitter about it I can hardly even talk to her–I feel like I’m walking on eggshells even saying hello.

Having been through years of infertility (while living in Provo…ouch!) taught me a lot. I understand what it’s like to sit through a RS lesson geared towards parents and feel that longing increase. But I never felt like they shouldn’t be having that lesson, or that the teacher needed to specifically address my childlessness. Over 90% of the women had kids so I guess it just made sense to hear lessons about parenting. Is that wrong?

There are plenty of married women in my ward that hate enrichment activities. I don’t like scrapbooking or tennis…or any of the things that they put together. I go sometimes to support the sisters putting them on, but I’ve started my own “ladies night” once a month where we (anyone interested) goes to do fun things together. My BFF does not have kids (by choice) and always warns me that when the birthing stories begin, she’s outa there. I completely understand. And so does she when I vent about my toddlers driving me up the wall. It’s give and take.

I also liked that someone above pointed out that married/mothers are not all frolicking through mormonads. Regrettably, I know more disillusioned/unhappy married mothers than I care to count.

My heart aches for the experiences the sisters above describe.
Naomi
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Finally.

I am so glad that Segullah is broadening its scope to include ALL LDS women. I enjoy the thoughtful writing and comments here, but have often lamented that it speaks mostly to married women with children.

I echo the comments of Jinxie and Becky. My biggest complaint as a single person in the church is that I am defined by my single status. I am still a person. I am not broken or less of a daughter of God. I have interests and passions and goals and feelings just like any other person. Let’s talk about those. Let’s find common ground in our shared human experience–about how being patient and having faith no matter the trial is difficult. Let’s not ONLY talk about my dating life (or lack thereof) when we get together. And please don’t attach the caveat to this dating conversation that you want to live vicariously through me.

The Sunday before General Conference I found myself sitting through yet another dating lesson in my singles ward. After listing the qualities that we wanted in our future spouses on the board, the teacher then asked, “So how many of these qualities do you have?”

I had to bite my tongue as I considered how having all of these qualities does not guarantee a spouse, how I know many married people who do not have every one of these listed desirable qualities, and how marriage is not a prize granted only to the righteous.

I think that so often we project our own insecurities on those around us and right people off immediately rather than taking the time to find that common ground. As singles, we often assume that married people are judging us or excluding us. And marrieds perhaps assume that singles don’t want to talk about kids or spouses, etc. Simply, we not only need to value each other, but also what each of us brings to the table.
Kathryn Soper
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

Thank you so much, Ardis.
Melanie2
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:22 pm

This is a fantastic post and collection of comments! It is illustrating beautifully one of my main concerns: that as singles, we’re lumped together as if we were identical. We’re not! As I read through these comments, I agree with some, while others describe feelings I’ve frankly never experienced. So please remember that singles are no more homogeneous than our married counterparts.

Two other things come to mind:
1) The fact that I don’t have children does not mean that I am a child myself. Please don’t treat me as if I were. Sure, having never had a spouse or children, there are some things I don’t understand fully. But as a 30ish woman, there is a LOT I understand about life that a 21-year-old mom does not. So it’s irritating when she’s treated as an adult, while I’m still a so-called young adult.

2) I probably don’t have as much free time as you think I do. Doing household chores for one doesn’t take much less time than chores for two (or three, four, etc.), and there’s only one of me to do them! It’s not as if I have only half a bed to make, or half a bathroom to clean, or half as many meals to prepare. The time I do have may be more flexible than yours, because I don’t need to work around naptime or find a sitter, but it’s not as if I live a life of leisure in which I can pick up the slack for you at a moment’s notice. Feel free to give me a call if you need help, but please don’t imply that you expect me to be available simply by virtue of my childlessness

Again, this is a great post–thanks!
Rivkah
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

The thing I struggle with the most is the fact that I have been told again and again, in my patriarchal blessing and other priesthood blessings, that I will get married and have children–and the wording clearly indicates that it will happen in this life. Meanwhile, I am in my late 30s and have to deal with the likelihood that I will never have children of my own. Sure, I may eventually marry someone with children, but they will already have a mother. I struggle with the theological implications of all of this. In countless Church lessons and talks we hear that God keeps his promises. But the mental gymnastics that are sometimes required to keep faith in those promises can be exhausting.

I agree with Rachie–it’s not comforting to be told you’ll have a family in the next life. That’s just another way of saying, “Things will be great once you’re dead,” and it just might make you want to die sooner.

Oh, and one more thing–sometimes people try to show their sympathy for me by criticizing single men in general. That isn’t helpful. As hard as it is to be a single woman in the Church, I think it would be much harder to be a single man and be on the receiving end of continual criticism and blame. Inactivity is rampant among single men in the over-30 crowd. One indirect way of helping out the single women is to fellowship single men!
Kathryn Soper
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:39 pm

Becky and Naomi, your remarks about the limitations of this blog are very much appreciated. We’d love to hear any further comments/suggestions you may have about making Segullah a welcoming place for LDS women regardless of their marital status.

And on that note, a sincere plea to the many single women who have commented so articulately in this thread:

Please write for us! Submit a personal essay for the journal, or a guest post for the blog. We want and need your stories.
Ashley Stolworthy
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

I don’t have much time to write a full comment here about my experiences as a thriving single LDS woman, nor do I have all the time I would like to read these wonderful comments… however, I just wanted to comment on something the initial comment referenced.

While this road of single-dom may appear less-than desirable to many married and single sisters alike, it is a road like many others. It’s just a different one that’s becoming more traveled by LDS woman all over the world. Each road, the Single Highway or Married Highway, are both new roads that neither road’s travelers have ever experienced before.

It’s up to each traveler to make the most of her time on the road, and communicate with commuters on each road so that we can better understand the so-called traffic laws and common courtesies to other drivers.

… thank you for putting up with my driving and car metaphors. I really like cars and driving.

- Ashley Stolworthy, Salt Lake City, 26
sean
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

Long time reader first time commenter.

I enjoyed todays topic and several of the comments. As a single over 30 (reported menace to society) member, I relate to some of the comments. As a convert I relate to more of the comments.

One time in joint RS/Priesthood, a feed the missionaries sign up was passed around. I love having the Elders in my home so I signed up. The dinner coordinator approahed me and told me it was “cute” that I had signed up. Then she asked me if I needed any help. I said I didn’t think so, at which point she responded “Oh yeah I had totally forgot – you could order them Pizza.” Why would I not cook? “Well with work and school and no one at home to help you cook I figured you just didn’t have time.” was the response. In other words – I’m single so I can’t serve.

It is moments like this that I just stopped caring about how other viewed me. Single, married, divorced, widowed, able-bodied, disabled, Asian, Mexican, or German – Don’t we all have the same goal: Exaltation. That’s my focus. I’m focussing on helping whomever I can get Home. No more empty chairs in heaven. And I don’t really care in what state we do it. Young single sisters and 40 years married grandpas all have something to contribute and so I figure we should let them. I don’t anyone should be “dealt” with. There was a talk inconference about going to church and not saying “No one talked to me and the lessons didn’t apply to me” and start saying “I want to bless those in my ward in what ever way I can and I will adapt the lessons to me.” It really isn’t the teachers’ job is to adapt to me or say “You’ll need this later when you are…” I need it NOW because today I’m reaching Celestrial bound not later: not when I’m married, or with children, or when I’ve overcome my disabilities, or when I’ve overcomed my non-member family, or when I stop being my race. I’m going to church to be uplifted and to help me and anyone I can get back to God. Anything that distracts from that, I try not to waste much time thinking about or planning for the future to include.

Thanks for the topic.
Sarah
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm

I am brand new to this blog, having just tuned in yesterday and stumbled on a post about “Eating, Drinking, and Being Married.” [I forwarded the post to a few of my other single Mormon friends, who reacted as strongly (and poorly) to that post as I did. "My blood is boiling," one said. I understand the author of that post meant well, but wow.]

I can relate to so many of the comments above (Jinxie, Ardis). A few things I struggle with as a single woman in the church: Being defined as “single” (why must we call it a FAMILY ward, as opposed to just a WARD?) Being considered a problem just because I’m single. Being called a “career woman” or “independent” because I (must) have a job. The implication that I put that job before marriage or children, or the feeling that I should apologize for working hard at that job. Being talked down to and pitied by people because I’m single (a strange reaction – I don’t pity my married friends when they start complaining about how their children or husband are driving them crazy). The constant voice in your ear that you aren’t enough if you aren’t a wife and/or mother. Listening to someone who got married at 19 talk about the blessings of the law of chastity. Mercy!

Then there’s the doctrinal aspects: being excluded from the full blessings of the temple (and call it a lack of faith, but being told that I will get paired up with someone (or tacked on to some other marriage) after I die brings no comfort). Having access to the Priesthood in theory, but not in reality.

But what I want most from the church is to be seen as an individual rather than a stereotype. I think most people feel this way. Sure, it’s hard to come to activities by yourself, especially activities aimed at strengthening marriages or providing food storage for a family of 8. But I love that our church teaches these things. I have no problem with these teachings or activities. They may not apply to me, but I am ok with that. I love my ward. I love the people there, as individuals. And I think they love me. It took some time to get there. So much of what inhibits strong relationships are our preconceived notions and stereotypes. I love to be invited to family dinners and activities, when people invite me because they want me there… not because they think I need to be invited. My married friends do not “edit” their realities for me, but they also manage to be sensitive (few things are more painful for me than listening to someone talk flippantly or glibly about whether to have more children – what I would give to have that luxury!).

So there’s my .02. I am a 37-year-old single woman, never married, speaking ONLY to MY experience in the church.

I appreciate this post and what it seeks to understand…
Sue
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:48 pm

And I appreciate your comment. Thank you.
Sue
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:49 pm

(That addressed to Ardis, even though I think I clicked on the wrong spot…)
Sue
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

VERY yucky.
Sue
April 8th, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

What you say makes sense to me. It’s almost patronizing for leaders to think they have to plan FHE for you…and yet, at the same time, they need to be sensitive to individual needs. It’s a hard balance to reach, but it’s good to hear your words so understanding can be increased.
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

Bingo. The lack of a safety net is terrifying. So is the realization that you’ll probably die alone. You can’t help wondering how long it will be before anybody notices you aren’t there.
Sarah
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

I posted before I read all the comments… great comments by Melanie2, Rivkah, and Ashley. And a shout out to the single men in the church (a lot of great ones out there).
Charis
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:27 pm

SO true! How often have I morbidly considered how long it would be before anyone would notice if something happened to me? I could be gone for a week before anyone might notice enough to actually check my apartment. It’s terrifying.
Lili
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:32 pm

Here’s an interesting little anecdote:

(As background, I am single and 30 years old, and I’ve been in school up until last October)

A year ago I was living in England while completing a Masters degree, and I attended a delightfully quirky and small country ward. One Sunday in Relief Society, the teacher asked us what kinds of tactics Satan uses to discourage us or make us forget our worth. Most of the women in the ward were married or mothers, so most of their comments were focused on their own doubts pertaining to their role as a wife or mother. But a few of us were late-twenty-something single sisters, and I didn’t completely identify with these comments–simply for the fact that I’m not yet a wife or mother.

I raised my hand and mentioned that for me, one of the lies I have had to fight is the notion that a woman’s worth–or life–doesn’t truly begins until they are married and having babies. I talked about how my life has led me in directions I had not anticipated, but that I have learned that life begins anew each and every day–single or married, it doesn’t matter. And that it’s been really empowering to me to discover that my life has a reason and a purpose and value–regardless of when I get married and have a family of my own.

The sisters listened to me intently, and when I finished my comment, and 40-something sister turned to me, and told me how, when she was in her 20s, she wanted so badly to be married. She prayed for it and obsessed over it, and finally realized she needed to stop worrying. And THEN, as soon as she stopped worrying, she met her husband! “So don’t worry,” she said. “You will meet him when you least expect it, but it will happen.”

I know this sister’s comment was well-meant, and I did feel her love and empathy. But I still had to chuckle to myself. Because she missed my point entirely. (And for the record, I don’t obsess about marriage, though it is of course something I look forward to). My point was NOT that my life will begin once I’ve gotten married, but that my life can be full of purpose NOW. Let me repeat: life does not begin once you’re married. But man oh man, it’s definitely an ingrained false dogma in some lds circles. And it can get tiring for us sisters, even once we’ve arrived at this conclusion ourselves, to continually have to break it down.

But I’m not bitter. It’s just something I’ve observed, and I thought this was a good forum for me to share some of my observations.
Charis
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:34 pm

Heavens! Amen.
I hate it when people tell me that God will send me someone when I’m ready, as if me getting my ducks in a row = sudden marriage. I have friends whose ducks were most certainly not in a row when they got married who are blissfully happy, and friends whose ducks were in a row who struggle everyday in their marriages. I know girls who never even knew ducks existed who married the sweetest men, and girls who plotted about ducks since their births who snapped their fingers and found someone.
I, however, have not. This does not mean that I have some great secret sin that I need to work out before God bestows a husband on me. Everyone has great secret sins, whether they admit it or not, and I refuse to believe that God is punishing me by not sending me a loving marriage.
Anne (UK)
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:43 pm

There are so many wonderful comments here.

I’ve been the only member of my family in the Church as a youth and YA, then a married person, then a married person living with a less active sealed RM hubby, then a divorced mother of an excommunicated husband attending with children, and now I am back to being a single woman attending on my own.

I have a mortgage, a job which is very demanding, poor health following a nightmare period of illness last year. I lived for a while in a state of constant terror- of not being able to work and therefore losing my very small flat, of not being able to pay my bills, of all sorts of things.I pay a fortune I can scarcely afford in insurances each month in case something goes wrong with my central heating/plumbing/electrics. I feel so battered at times that I have stopped worrying now.

It’s the practicalities which get me.As a small example, I have a huge mirror which has been sitting on my hall floor since I moved in 18 months ago; my previous and current home teachers have offered to put it up (I can’t manage it alone) but never have. (‘oh! I forgot the drill!’) I need some small electrical jobs done, am too wary of electricity to do them myself, but can’t afford to pay anyone. I’m used to sitting alone in a corner at church, or busying myself in the kitchen at socials to avoid the couples/family issue. Like Ardis, I concentrate on those for whom I am doing the work in the temple, and try not to wonder about the rest of it. I can’t even feed the missionaries because, as a single woman (old enough to be their mother) I am not allowed to feed them without an accompanying ward assigned priesthood holder, and don’t get me started on that one.I miss the priesthood in my home (my son has left home now), and resent that I can only have the priesthood in my home through assignment of some description. I am infuriated that there are no single adult activites where I live, and in other parts of the country, the area presidency has introduced a 100 mile participation rule, as they say that is the maximum anyone should travel to date.

It’s the isolation which hurts most- spiritual, physical, social, emotional; I don’t think it any coincidence that many of the single women I know have relationships/married outside the church.

And if one more person quotes platitudes about coping, adversity, or not being given more to handle that we can cope with, I may just swing for them.

sorry- you asked!!!! But thanks for wanting to understand….. the upside: if I don’t want to do the dishes, I don’t do the dishes. I don’t have to seek anyone’s approval for anything much; and if I want to go to bed early to read, I can. However, the novelty soon wears off, and the dishes still have to be done in the morning- by me.
Sue
April 8th, 2009 @ 1:44 pm

I get what you’re saying, but as one whose husband is Bishop of a singles ward, it occurs to me that the lesson of which you are speaking might not have been geared so much to making the point that righteousness would guarantee a marriage partner (as it most surely does not…we only wish!) but that maybe some people fail to recognize their partner because they are looking for “too much” in that person…too much perfect matching up with a list of qualities or traits that few meet.

Of course, that is just a thought arising from the fact that my husband deals with singles who have unrealistic expectations in a partner quite often. In fact, one of our sons is dealing with that very issue himself. Interestingly, it seems to be more prevalent in males, at least in our area.

Hopefully, whoever taught the lesson meant well. Even so, it sounds like a very touchy subject…one I would have stayed away from.
Angie
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

I was a young single adult for nine years before I got married. I found two things to be true:

1) Being lonely is the hardest trial in this mortal life. Any other trial, if it is shared, is not as hard as carrying the burden alone.

2) I became acquainted with God during my loneliest years. When I literally had no other person to rely on, I forged a relationship with Him that is rock-solid. Said another way, I remember driving by a bar and thinking, “This is why people drink – because they feel like I do right now!” I wryly smiled to myself and kept on praying.
Naomi
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:09 pm

Sue,

I do truly believe that the couple giving the lesson had good and pure intentions. Near the end of the 40 minute lesson, the wife did make the point that we all, regardless of our marital status, should be striving to be better. And I agree with this point wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, this point took a long time to get to and could easily be drowned out by the other things that were said. This lesson was also given in a mixed audience, which limited certain types of discourse and discussion. While some similar dating challenges or obstacles exist for both men and women, I do think that many of the root issues could not be discussed in this mixed setting either because they are considered taboo topics or because no one was willing to own up to certain challenges, etc. in a public setting.

The subject is a difficult, personal, emotional, and sensitive one, so I can appreciate the task that this high counselor and his wife faced on Sunday. And while I am in a good spot (today) regarding myself, I worry about the others in the room who were not in as good a place on that particular Sunday.
Charis
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:23 pm

“Listening to someone who got married at 19 talk about the blessings of the law of chastity. Mercy!”

This made me laugh out loud. I have SO often felt that. Really, it was that hard to practice for the 5 years you were over 14? Try 10. Try 15. You think it gets easier?

The desperate desire for intimacy – even just to be hugged, to be held, to hold someone’s hand – is overwhelming. There is no safe spot for a single woman, no strong arms to relax in when she needs a good cry.
Justine
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

I know that someone I love who is approaching 40 and is still single has expressed to me the relationship she has with my children is sometimes the only time she gets physical hugs and contact. I’ve tried to be more physical with her and hug her more. I truly had not even thought of that reality, but it is a painful one.

I’m so glad you expressed it here. There are many ways we can help each other in this situation. And one of them is showing physical affection toward those people we love dearly!
Giggles
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

Katie, I loved your questions. And there are no set answers. The people who really know me know for who I am and not just my single status are more than welcome to talk to me about their children. Their children are in part my children and it is wonderful. I am truly grateful for my married friends and how often they have reached out to me because I am me, not because I am single.

I do not attend singles wards because they hold nothing for me. They are an extension of the mutual program and I’m ready to grow up. I have only attended them for one year since graduating from college. I know they help many people, but they are not for everyone. So in a past ward when a sister came up to me and said, “You know there’s a single ward in our stake?” it came across that she thought I would rather be in a different ward since I didn’t belong in that family ward with the married people.

My biggest struggle within the church community is being treated like I am incompetent because I have not married. I served as the Relief Society president in my ward for two years and lost track of the number of people outside of my ward who were completely shocked that it was a traditional ward and not a student/single ward. As a single sister they did not seem to think I was capable of leading sisters in situations other than my own. It often feels like I am looked down on as being less than the 20 year-olds with 2 kids simply because I am 30 and have no kids.

I also do not enjoy being a “special project” based solely on my marital status.

I am currently reading Sister Oaks’ book “A Single Voice” and her second chapter made me want to copy that chapter and give it to all of the married people I see so that they can understand just how some of what they say and do really does come across. It’s a book I’d recommend more to married people than single people (although I’d recommend it to single people as well) just so they can get a glimpse into our world.
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

It would help me a great deal if people would stop speculating on why any particular individual is not married, and refrain from giving blanket judgments that we’re too picky, too careless, too sinful, too righteous, too focused on work, too focused on marriage, too whatever it is. Even when such statements are intended to be general and helpful, we hear them as though you thought that fit our particular instance, and if only we’d comb our hair or not expect Prince Charming, we’d be married tomorrow. You don’t know my individual circumstances any more than I know yours!
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

That’s why I have a cat. Otherwise, I would go literally for months, and perhaps even years, without touching another living creature for so much as a handshake. Ever notice that we don’t shake hands at church as much as we used to?
Ardis Parshall
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

One other thing that is difficult about being single in the church: You have to be very careful about saying anything negative, even when it comes to an honest answer to a post like this one. Nobody has said so (yet), but people sometimes accuse us of “being bitter” about single status, as if it isn’t okay not to be chipper all the time. And too often, people respond to any hint that life as a single isn’t perfect with a comment like “It’s better to be single than to be married to the wrong person.” Fine, but irrelevant.

Y’all asked, and we’re answering. Standing in the shoes of all the single women who have responded, I don’t feel any sense that any one of us is bitter or whiny or self-pitying. We didn’t say anything until somebody asked, and we’re paying you the honor of treating the qustion seriously.

Just in case someone is building up steam to launch the “bitter” bomb.
jks
April 8th, 2009 @ 3:57 pm

Lots of good comments. Lili, your story is so funny! Isn’t it amazing how people can just not get your point?
I am not single. I have, however, been very shy and I moved a lot and always felt like an outsider. I appreciate the things that I have learned as an adult that helped me stop feeling like I’m on the outside.
Most people feel like you. I was in a married BYU ward for a few years and finally figured it out. Everyone felt like they weren’t part of the ward. Here were a bunch of women used to going to church with their girlfriends, but now went and sat with their husbands and didn’t know anyone.
The grass always isn’t greener. When you are married, you have to sit with your husband. You have to arrive when he does, you have to leave when he wants to. WHen you have children you spend all your time at church taking care of them. There is no time to chat after RS–you have to rush to pick up kids from nursery. There is no time to say hi to someone after Sac. Meeting because there is a kid telling you that their sister took their toy. Church activities are the same. And did I mention husbands? Mine doesn’t like to stay and talk at all. And he wants to leave every activity about 5 minutes after we arrive. I admit I am sometimes envious of the freedom of singlehood because you actually have the time to make friendships or at least conversations.
Not all activities or lessons are for everyone else either. There are older ladies who have raised their children. There are widows. There are women married to non-members. None of us are the same and in the same situation. There are women who are married but struggling with infertility. There are women whose husbands are really letting them down.
I go to church and activities in order to help others. I noticed that I could talk to people if I felt official. I try to say hi to specific people to help them feel welcome, instead of worrying about whether I am welcome. There are many invisible people at church, older sisters, single sisters, sisters without visible callings, foreign sisters, sisters with callings, sisters who arrive late.
I pretty much know that I will get to know people through my callings.
I have invited women without kids to playgroups. They don’t seem to want to come, but I don’t know why not if they can take their lunch break at that time if they work close enough.
It is really hard to make friends, isn’t it? I would LOVE to have a friend who was single. Maybe she could come and hang out at my house. Married women with children are really lame to have as friends.
Sometimes you have a friend but they move away or circumstances change.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to make friends. It feels like I am scattering seeds and few of them grow. Most of them are just acquaintances. But those are important too. I appreciate all of my acquaintances. Do I really need a lot of close friends? No.
Emily M.
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:00 pm

Ardis, I wasn’t going to launch it . I very much appreciate the candid answers here. I have more to say, but I will chime in later when I have time to articulate my thoughts better. In the mean time, thank you.
Lili
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:14 pm

Just another detail to the story: I was just remembering that this sister told me she met her husband when she was (I think it was) 24. I’m lucky in that I’m a very young-looking 30-year-old. But it made her “don’t worry, be patient” advice that much funnier to me–I think she had no idea how old I was.
Melissa
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:14 pm

Thank you to everyone who has commented with such candor and thoughtfulness. One of the things I love about Segullah is the ability to be honest without fear of reproach (hopefully that bitter bomb never comes, Ardis). It makes me a better person to hear about life from perspectives that are different from my own.

It’s hard to talk about sensitive things, and I appreciate those who have risked their feelings in this conversation.
Sarah
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:27 pm

I’m finding the comments to this post fascinating. So many people able to express myself better than I can! Physical intimacy – that’s a big one. I can’t call this a “need,” because so many of us go without it. But I will. The need to be touched is physically painful at times (I’m always amazed at how much good a simple bear hug from a male friend does me). So when a friend is flippant about their sex life, or makes a joke about how I am welcome to their husband… well, just don’t. Again, I don’t want others to alter their realities for my sake… share your thoughts, but please don’t make the joke or act like it’s funny. It’s not funny to me.

jks – great thoughts. Fitting in is difficult for most of us, regardless of our situation. And our situations change as we go through life.
Giggles
April 8th, 2009 @ 4:38 pm

There are women who would love to have your “problem” of having to arrive and leave with their husband and having to run off and get kids after meetings. I know talking about married life like it isn’t some magical wonderland doesn’t help me personally. I know marriage isn’t perfect and doesn’t make all of life’s difficulties disappear. I know it isn’t the happily-ever-after of fairy tales. But I’d still rather have those problems most days than having to carry all my problems myself.
Red
April 8th, 2009 @ 5:35 pm

I have been following this post and these comments closely and I have loved it: it’s so nice to hear what my single sisters are really thinking and feeling. I’ve refrained from commenting because it’s not my day on Segullah, but, jks, I had to respond to your comment!

I have never felt more invisible and useless than when I was married, in my mid-20′s, with a newborn. And then I was called to teach Sunbeams, where I had lots of chances to make new friends… with the three-year-old’s. It was the toughest time for me to stay active. I think we all go through times and seasons where we feel out of place, stereotyped, misunderstood, and invisible. Is the Church only true for temple-sealed couples in their 30′s and 40′s with more than three children? I just can’t imagine that the majority of members fit that category. So how can we all make it easier for each other? I’ll be thinking about it for weeks to come.

Thank you Segullah!
gjl
April 8th, 2009 @ 5:40 pm

I don’t normally read here (but I want to start!) but I saw reference to this post on the blog of another single sister and a friend at work mailed it to me because it reminded her of a conversation we had the other day.

Honestly… I’m a single, 30-something LDS woman and I LOVE it!

Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff that bugs me and I think it’s important to share some of my experiences if it helps with understanding of what NOT to do. ..like when my bishop calls me into his office and asks, in a solemn voice, “how are you doing with being single today, Sister X?” (That’s a direct quote, by the way). Seriously? I know he means well, but it’s not a disease. He keeps asking how I’m doing and never believes that I’m really content with my life and constantly singles me out. I have the high priest home teachers that treat me like I’m 12 (one of whom got upset with me because, heaven forbid! I shoveled my own driveway) and I get annoyed by being told I’ll be married in the next life or I’ll be like Sister Oaks and get married in my 50s (um, not helpful!) and people at church ignore me so they don’t have to deal with me. Going to the temple is hard for me and as I was leaving my temple recommend interview the last time one of the presidency members asked the counselor I interviewed with who I was. His reply? “That’s one of our single sisters.” Seriously? What does he say when “one of the married sisters” leaves his office?

But you know what? As much as it bugs me (and obviously it does because it stands out clearly enough for me to recount it word for word) I try to just blow it off. No one is perfect and they DO care and ARE trying to help whether they get it or not.

Being single is awesome. I think it helps that the Lord knew I would be single at this point in my life and blessed me to be able to enjoy being alone and to not have a craving for a family and children. But I have my own place and I don’t have to clean up after other people. I cook what I want and if I feel like Lucky Charms for dinner, who cares? I travel all over the world and if I don’t have someone to go with, I find a group and join in… I did this for a trip to China last September and it was awesome! I have hobbies and interests that I love and do in my spare time. I’m going back to school this summer to start my second master’s degree and I have a great, rewarding career where I have good friends and I get lots of respect (and I work in Utah county!) I’ve heard other single sisters complaining that they want to have families so they can start their own traditions. Why do you have to have a family to do that? I love the holidays and doing the things I loved as a child and adding new traditions that are all my own.

A previous commenter hit the nail on the head… singles are people. We’re individuals. We’re as varied in our wants and desires as everyone else, regardless of marital status. Personally, I’m fine sitting on my own in church and I can take care of myself for FHE. I don’t care at all that Enrichment is during the day while I’m at work and I love it when my best friend calls because she needs to rant about her husband or kids. Don’t feel like you have to talk to me just because I’m single but I love it when you smile and say hi if you pass me in the hall or introduce yourself to me. Just don’t try and include me *just* because I’m single. We can spot a pity invite a mile away

I personally feel that how singles feel about themselves and their own situation heavily influences how we’re treated by other members of the church. The more we feel sorry for ourselves for not being married, the more other people will subconsciously believe that being single is something to feel sorry about. Imagine if all of us were able to shake off the crap we get for not being married and just enjoy the life we have? Honestly, it all comes down to something my mom told me over and over when I was young. “You make your own happiness.”
gjl
April 8th, 2009 @ 5:47 pm

P.S. – I hope that last part doesn’t come off as a “don’t be bitter” rant… that’s certainly not the intent!
Giggles
April 8th, 2009 @ 5:59 pm

I love what you said about starting your own traditions. I have. And it is with a bit of a laugh that I’ve discovered that my traditions have become a tradition for several families I know. I moved last year and one family was wondering what to do since they wouldn’t be able to come to my annual Christmas party any more. My Christmas party started as a tradition my family had growing up, but now that I’m on my own and away from family, I modified it to include friends, and it became a tradition for them as well.
Melissa M.
April 8th, 2009 @ 6:08 pm

It’s been great to read all of these comments today! Thank you to all who have shared. I got married when I was a month shy of turning 28, so I wasn’t single into my 30′s and beyond, but I remember how lonely I felt at times, especially as I watched my younger siblings get married before me. When my sister, who is 5 years younger than I am, got engaged, a guy in my ward actually joked to me about how I was like Leah and maybe my father could trick my sister’s fiance into marrying me first. I wanted to say, “Really? You really just said that?” People can be so clueless. This post today has reminded me that we all need to try harder to be more sensitive to each others’ needs and situations, that we need to think before we speak, and do our best to carry each other’s burdens, as we’ve covenanted to do. I hope those of you who have commented today will feel at home here at Segullah and continue to share your experiences–we need your voices!
Barbara
April 8th, 2009 @ 7:53 pm

I have never commented here before, but wanted to add a thanks for the lovely spirit of sharing and honesty which is present. I’ve noticed in other online discussions about singles that that’s not always the case.

As others have mentioned, sometimes it feels ok to be single, sometimes it’s not. For me, it has become
harder as time goes on. It is much harder to be alone now than it was when I was 28, or 37 or even 45 or 52. In fact, I can now identify with the Israelites wandering in the desert for 40 years. Although there is occasional quail, as well as manna, some days it feels like 40 years of starvation.

Serving as a Single Adult leader in stake and area-wide
positions was especially challenging. Unfortunately it sometimes involved outspoken prejudice, craziness and sometimes even meanness. It was a long road to create awareness, to validate singles’ experiences and feelings
as honest accounts of real life situations.

My mother recently passed away. She lived in the same Stake that I do, and was well known. My RS president
called me several times and was quite attentive. But
no one called to offer me dinner. I could almost hear
the thought process: “Don’t worry about taking in food.
She’s a single adult. They don’t eat.” I’m not hurt
or offended, but a warm cup of soup brought to my door
would have been very comforting in a very difficult time.

I have come to quietly accept that for some reason I have an extra chapter in my life that many others don’t
have. And it’s turned out to be quite a lengthy one!
Perhaps Volume 2 will be more typical.
alanna
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:22 pm

Great book suggestion. I’m gonna read it.
alanna
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:30 pm

Beautiful. I love your comment and your attitude. It inspires me. Thanks!
stacy
April 8th, 2009 @ 8:53 pm

Ditto pretty much everything you and everybody said here, but I’d also add that in my current ward, which is kind of a midsingles ward, the bishop’s attitude about welcoming people into the ward is the worst attitude about single people I’ve ever run across, and that people in leadership positions would do well not to follow his example. He thinks “there are too many people in the ward and they’ve been around too long, and they should be getting married.” His solution: telling all the brethren that they should date the girls, not opening the overflow. I have never once gotten to sit in the chapel for sacrament in the 3 months I’ve been in the ward, because there’s never been a seat for me.

Even singles wards exist to fellowship with the Saints, not to marry off a bunch of what he feels are misfits. I should have just as much ability to worship God on Sunday morning even if I am later in arriving than the other 300 people–and if I arrive earlier, the last person to walk through that door deserves a seat and the ability to partake of the sacrament just as much as the first person.

The pressure to get married is tangible in this ward. They even announced at a ward activity last week, “Brethren, you don’t get dessert [at a RS activity to which the brethren were invited] unless you ask out a sister, because it’s Conference weekend so you won’t be able to do it at church on Sunday.”

This is in UTAH VALLEY. If common sense actually existed in this location, they might actually recognize that perhaps even two midsingles congregations could be supported, or that they could find other ways to serve the needs of midsingles without treating us like children.

Treat us like functioning adult members who believe in Christ and want to worship him, and forget about our marital status. Sure, in a singles ward a bishop would ponder about how he can help individual members with marital status as the Spirit guides him, but the purpose of any ward, whether a “special needs” ward or not, is to worship God, not to marry off all the inhabitants of the Island of Misfit Toys.
Julie R.
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:08 pm

So, solutions? What can people do?

Best experience I ever had: when I was in grad school in a small town and knew no one, the ward accepted me for who I was; the members didn’t treat me like a charity case. I had several dinner invites in my first weeks there, members stopped by my apartment to meet me, bring me cookies, etc.

I eventually settled in with a cadre of people who valued my opinions, thrived on intellectual conversation, and didn’t see me as single. As one of those friends put it, “As soon as I saw you, I wanted to know you.” It didn’t matter that she had been married for 10 years and had 4 kids.

She–and others–invited me over for dinner, for holidays, to movies, to game nights. And sure, there were husbands and kids always, but they also accepted me for who I was, and it didn’t matter that I wasn’t home taught the whole time I was in that ward–I had plenty of FRIENDS who could give me priesthood blessings. Aside from the loneliness that I’ve just become accustomed to, I never felt different when I was with them.

My new ward has been really, really tough–even the bishop acknowledged to me that most of the members don’t really know what to do with me. It’s frustrating, and kind of a let down after my last ward. It’s been nine months since I left, and every Sunday I miss my old ward.
Michelle L.
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:36 pm

This has been an fantastic discussion. I have several single friends and I know they would echo your words.

But in Segullah’s defense may I say that my last 5 posts have been applicable to ALL women? I’ve been trying– truly I have.
Mel
April 8th, 2009 @ 9:51 pm

I am in my mid thirties and single. This post has given me a lot to think about…

*I understand the sisters who have commented about being sick and wondering how long it would take someone to check on you if something happened to you.

*I too have worried about my parents dying and then being completely alone in the world.

*My heart goes out to the single sisters who do not find peace in the Temple. Attending alone is hard; but I am so grateful that I can go and feel the love that Heavenly Father has for me.

*I’m grateful I can sit with friend and her five children during sacrament meeting while her husband serves in the Bishopric. I LOVE cuddling with her children during sacrament meeting. This not only helps me feel needed, but also allows my friend to listen to (dare I say enjoy?) part of sacrament meeting.

*This is completely selfish, but my favorite part of being single is listening to General Conference. I LOVE the uninterrupted time that I have to focus on what is being said. I don’t have to worry about entertaining children (or a husband), and can devote all of my time to what the spirit is teaching me.

*Although I want to get married, my single status does not define who I am. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, who loves me. He knows me. He hears me. He understands me. He takes care of me. I personally feel that Heavenly Father is especially mindful of his daughters here on earth, but especially of his single daughters.
stacy
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:33 pm

I’m not sure what’s so tough about treating each of your friends as individuals, whether married or single. That’s part of getting to know your friends. As far as official ward lessons go, sure, that’s more tough, but again, treating each single person as an individual remedies a lot of painful situations.
stacy
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:38 pm

Had it been me sitting in that lesson, I wouldn’t have bitten my tongue. Too often we perpetuate the myth that “if you’re righteous, you’ll get married!!!1!” which then of course leads to the inevitable “what’s wrong with you?” when you end up 31 and leaving the singles’ ward unmarried. Whether that question is asked by the leadership, the members of your ward, or you yourself, questioning your own righteousness or self-worth, the culture does indeed perpetuate it through lessons like this.

Sure, it’s important to look for good qualities in a spouse, and to possess those good qualities. But it’s also important to possess them simply to be a good person, to be a follower of Christ. Marriage is not the end of striving to be righteous (I’d hope).
stacy
April 8th, 2009 @ 10:40 pm

Hear, hear, Ardis. The one I hear a lot is “if you’d just lose weight, guys would be all over you!” Well, perhaps that says something about the guys, not me, thanks. There are so many and so few valid reasons for any one of us, and only we and the Lord can sort those out.
~kik
April 8th, 2009 @ 11:43 pm

Well done Ardis, I wonder if you would consider submitting that to the Ensign. So many could learn from you.

and, When I teach Law of Chasitiy, I apply it to US, not how should we teach this to our kids. I think so many are embarrassed to admit, but we married grownups in the church have to deal with temptations too.
dalene
April 9th, 2009 @ 12:02 am

Thank you so much for participating in this discussion. I appreciate your candor.

I would add along with Mel my hope that whatever it is our status does not define us. We are all daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us. And we are sisters, after all.
Lucy
April 9th, 2009 @ 1:47 am

It ranks right up there with being told that there are a lot of men killed in the Civil War just waiting for wives to be married to in the heavens. Now that made me feel ‘real good’.
Sage
April 9th, 2009 @ 4:46 am

My favorite comments to this post are the ones that recognize that each sister, whether married or single, with or without children, is an individual daughter of God. And each of us has struggles. I don’t like to say something negative, but will: when a married sister commented on her struggles, a single sister responded in a way that diminished the pain of the married sister. That is wrong.

Sister Sheri Dew gave a fireside in my stake and asked us what was harder in our lives than we expected. Many said being married, for me it was teaching my children: she commented on how not being married was hard for her, but she didn’t diminish the struggle that many experience in their marriages.

What I’m trying to say is that we all can and should try to be understanding of each individual’s trials. Maybe the Lord knows which trials we need, but we need to mourn with those that mourn, whether they re married or single.

That said, I really loved hearing honest descriptions that my single sisters shared, because it made me able to mourn with them and learn perhaps how to better support them in the future.

One more thing: my RS pres. is single (her husband left her with 5 kids) and she always says how much sisterhood in the church means to her, “as sisters we can do anything.”
Lucy
April 9th, 2009 @ 4:51 am

I understand and have been through every sentence you write. I would never have to worry about being RS president in my ward. NOT that I even want to. However, ‘they’ do not give to anyone divorced any job of “importance”. And it’s quite well known. One thing about it….every ward is different on the issue.
Melissa
April 9th, 2009 @ 8:36 am

Responses to Kathy’s post (http://segullah.org/blog/segullah-article-discussions/a-living-sacrifice-part-ii/) describe many of the same feelings about touch.
Zina
April 9th, 2009 @ 8:39 am

Stacy, I was in a singles ward where the bishopbric explicitly took the opposite approach — that their goal was to help bring all ward members to Christ, NOT to try to marry them off. Sharing spiritual experiences tends to bring people together, and many marriages happened (but not mine; I met my husband after moved and attended a different ward,) but I very much liked that the bishopbric saw marriages as a possible side benefit of a strong ward but not as their main purpose.
Kevin Barney
April 9th, 2009 @ 8:58 am

I really enjoyed reading this thread. Thank you all for such introspective and heartfelt comments. I learned a lot from reading them.

I’m not single, but I think that if I were one of the hardest things for me would be not having someone to talk to at home in the evenings. When I have issues at work, say something political going on in the office, just being able to talk about them with someone who is committed to me and willing to lend a sympathetic ear is therapeutic. Often my wife puts such issues into perspective for me. Without that sounding board, I fear that I might obsess over petty work-related issues and maybe become a bit paranoid. Just having a sounding board is a tremendous boost to my mental health and helps me to allow workplace pettiness to roll off my back.

I’ve read some of Ardis’ comments before on what it is like to be a single sister (but not so extensive as her powerful comments in this thread), and I remember really being stunned by the thought that a single sister can go months, even years sometimes without being touched by another human being. That kind of blew my mind and has stayed with me. There’s a single sister in my ward (no prospects, either) I’m friends with, who usually sits on the end of the pew where I sit (in the middle). When I squeeze past her to go to my seat before sacrament, I usually put my hand on her shoulder as I say “hi.” To me it’s a very natural and minor gesture of friendship, but she just beams and I can tell she really appreciates not being treated like a leper. It frankly wouldn’t have occurred to me to do such a thing without this kind of blog commentary on what it is like to be a single sister in the Church, which I think is invaluable.
Zina
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:14 am

Ardis, I noticed that we don’t shake hands or touch when I returned from my French-speaking mission — there, everyone “bises” when they greet (in Belgium it was three cheek-kisses, in France two) and here it was almost comical how people sort of wave from a distance or nod or just don’t greet at all, and I greatly missed the more formal, intimate greeting. It’s sad how little non-sexual touch is part of our culture out here in the Wild West, any more.

Now, as for Sarah’s comment that it’s funny or insensitive for a married 19-year-old to say she’s grateful for chastity: in another thread here on Segullah recently, we discussed how many people use the term “chastity” to mean “celibacy,” when they’re really two different things. I get that long-term celibacy is a trial not well understood by those who marry young, but chastity is something that anyone can struggle with at any age, and there’s nothing untoward about married people being grateful for the principle.
Sara
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:25 am

I don’t think she was diminishing married people’s problems. However we could be more sensitive and not complain about our married problems to make a single sister feel better about our status. Just as it probably wouldn’t be best to complain about how hard your pregnancy is to someone who is struggling with fertility.

We chose to get married, to the person we’re married to. We had a choice.
Leslie
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:26 am

just adding my amen to the lack of appropraite healthy touch in AMerican and more so mormon culture. I wrote grad school papers on the necessity of such for increasing moral (empathy, care, etc) behaviors
Leslie
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:35 am

I just wanted to weigh and say I know some really amazing single women. Knowing them proves that marriage and righteousness are not the same thing. They are inspirations to me as women- their kindness, their personalness, their dedication to their callings, extended family, development of talents, wonderful friends. I always hope I have not unwittingly been insensitive. We all see through our own lenses and it’s often hard to know what it looks like from someone elses view.

I am sure similar stories of insentivity or lack of understand could be told from many perspectives in our culture, anything that is different from the typical path- disability, infertility, divorce etc.
Lili
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:35 am

Ooh, but Zina–(hi my sister)
You just opened a whole new one for me:
When I moved up to Salt Lake, I was quickly informed by a big poster displayed prominently in the foyer, and then by one of the Stake RS leaders that “this is not a single’s stake, it’s a _pre-married_ stake.” This statement bothers me on so many levels…
Even though I know that the leadership loves us…and I really like my stake pres. so far…

In my other comment I talked about how we can be affronted so often by the false-dogma that life doesn’t truly begin until you’re married…and then I move into a stake where once again that same notion is being subtly drummed into us. Um. Okay. Yes. Someday, if we’re faithful, we’ll all be married. And everyone who attends my stake is not-yet-married. So I guess it’s true that this is a pre-marriage stake. But oy oy oy… Must we get all PC at church, too!?
Sarah
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:47 am

Not sure who Sage was referring to… but I feel pretty strongly about this. We all have struggles. Of course we do. As a single woman, I have no problem listening to my married friends talk about their difficulties with their marriages. I have other friends who have had difficulties conceiving, and I treasure our talks where those friends share their pain with me. These are our lives, and we share them. And that’s what brings us together. Where we need to be more sensitive is in how we treat these topics. I find it painful (and not at all funny), if someone jokes that she’s sick of sex so I am welcome to “borrow” her husband. Or if I express longing for a child, and someone jokes that I can take her kids for awhile. So it’s not about diminishing each other’s pain, it just requires sensitivity.
Zina
April 9th, 2009 @ 9:52 am

I got married when I was 25, and had received my endowment a little before I was 21 (before I served a mission.) There wasn’t a temple to attend within my mission boundaries, so when I got home from my mission I wanted to attend often, and set a goal to try to attend about once a week, which I mostly kept to. So, even though I was married relatively young (for our culture) I had attended the temple as a single a LOT before I was married, and I have to say that in that time I never felt less-than or dis-included in the temple, even though I was attending without a husband. Although the temple certainly highlights and centers on eternal married relationships, I guess I felt like my *willingness* to be part of a married relationship once the opportunity arose qualified me for those blessings. More than that, I went to the temple seeking communion with Jesus and Heavenly Father — and when I entered the Celestial Room, rather than looking around for the non-present husband or focussing on my aloneness, I was thinking about the special closeness I could feel with Heavenly Father in that place, and the special access to revelation it offered.

Since being married I’ve been FAR less frequent in my temple attendance, and one obstacle (along with health challenges, complicatedpregnancies, or having a nursing baby who’s hard to leave for long enough to attend the temple) has been my preference to attend the temple with my husband — which is much harder to arrange. I’ve been thinking that, along with trying to make more opportunities to attend the temple with my husband, I need to be more flexible about getting a babysitter or leaving my husband with the kids while I attend alone. I miss the spirituality and peace that came with my frequent temple attendance in my single years.

I know it would be easy to discount my experience since I “only” suffered singlehood (I say “suffered” with my tongue in my cheek) for a relatively short while, but I didn’t know at the time how long my single years might last, and yet still found value and comfort and enjoyment in temple attendance. I share this because I really strongly believe that the temple is for everyone, and it makes me sad to hear of anyone thinking that its blessings don’t fully apply to them or feeling somehow out of place there — again, I felt as a single, and still believe now, that willingness and worthiness, though they aren’t of course the SAME as having a current mortal spouse, ARE the same as far as our “belonging” in the temple or our having worth in the Lord’s eyes.
Melody
April 9th, 2009 @ 10:01 am

Well done, Ardis!
Melody
April 9th, 2009 @ 11:45 am

Thank you Dalene, for once again bringing a wonderful discussion to the table. I have been so busy figuring out how to be married after sixteen years of being unmarried that I haven’t been following much at Segullah or anywhere else for that matter. Shame on me! But I would like to express a few thoughts and feelings. And by the way, I love the honest, respectful and open way in which people are responding here. Very nice.

My comments will be ridiculously long I fear. So sorry. Can’t help it.

I cannot speak about the experience of the widowed person or the person who has never married. But I can speak about my experience as a divorced woman in the church; a divorced woman who chose to remain unmarried for the bulk of my child-rearing years.

First let me say, I personally can’t stand the term “single sister” or “singles in the church.” I won’t list all the reasons why that is so repugnant to me. The deed to my home lists my name, then my legal status: “an unmarried woman.” At the time I purchased my home I remember looking at that deed and feeling pleased that I was able to do this on my own, to provide for my family. That title gave me a feeling of clarity and strength. It was true. I was an unmarried woman. And I was taking care of life – just like everyone else.

When I hear the term “single sister” or “the singles” I have a strange sort of association with the Island of the Misfit Toys. Some people can get away with using that term while still communicating equality in societal, spiritual and personal worth between an unmarried and married person, but in my experience there are very few who can. And I do understand that for the sake of simplicity in conversation, etc. the title has been chosen and will continue to be used. . . kind of like when people say, “the blacks” . . . also, if an unmarried person is single, why isn’t a married person double? ‘nough said.

What I most want to share is my own decision – almost from the moment I found myself unmarried with three children to raise and acutely, painfully, almost instantly (and unexpectedly!) aware of my marginalized status – I chose, as much as was humanly possible to remove myself in my mind from the no-man’s (no-woman’s) land of single-hood within the church. It is a damned lonely place and I knew I couldn’t live there.

This is not about denial. It is about living in Truth. I accepted and acknowledged the fact that I was spouseless. But it changed nothing about my character, my abilities, my fitness for the kingdom or anything else for that matter. As you, Dalene, described in your re-counting of my experience with a decent, but insensitive neighbor, I often saw myself reflected back through other people’s “motes” or “beams” and I learned over time to either let it go or to respond in a way that helped my neighbors know me as a whole and complete person regardless of my marital status.

In contrast to the “Oh. You’re the OTHER one” experience, I remember one neighbor telling me that she loved how I jumped right in to all the activities in my new ward. She said it made her want to get to know me because I went to the stake sweethearts fireside alone, (they later changed the name, but they still hold it around Valentine’s Day) the ward camp out, and everything else I could get my weary bones and my three great kids to. I pulled myself out of the margins and did my best to blur the lines thereabout – as far as my presence and demeanor were concerned.

I was/am first and foremost a woman, a disciple of Christ, a child of God. Any other label or identity is impermanent anyway, isn’t it?

Now I find myself married. This time to a man who is twice divorced. I am in a new subcategory and have found yet another group of marginalized people: those who are in second, or, heaven forbid, third marriages. Once again, I am surprised to discover subtle prejudices and it sometimes takes my breath away. “How can this be?” I say to myself. I never knew this world existed until I got here.

Just now I am thinking about the scriptures in John and Doctrine & Covenants about “In my Father’s house are many mansions.” It feels as though within the kingdom of God and within the Church on the earth, there are many worlds. What a blessing it is if we can be where we are, honor where we are, and do the same for everyone else.
Tay
April 9th, 2009 @ 1:13 pm

Sometimes the LDS community seems to thrive on categorizing people. To me this is totally wrong and against what the Gospel teaches us to do. I guess most people just don’t understand that if you’re single, married, divorced, and/or remarried, you are still who you make yourself, you are not your marital status. I mean, who cares if you don’t have the same life as your neighbor? It doesn’t make you better or worse.
Sage
April 9th, 2009 @ 1:25 pm

Hi Sarah,

I just reread the comments I was referring to (giggles in response to jks), and in the light of day it doesn’t come across as it did in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. So, I don’t think she was really trying to make light of jks’s problems.

Still, even though you may have made a choice to marry someone—you have no idea what your life is really going to be like!!! Your husband could turn out to be a total stinker, but maybe not enough to divorce him…anyway. I totally agree that offering your spouse to a single sister is in complete bad taste and is offensive. Same with the child offers.

I guess my point was more along the lines that we all should recognize each others needs–and that we all have them.
Sage
April 9th, 2009 @ 1:30 pm

Leslie,

I also know some wonderful single women. I also know I am lame when it comes to trying to say the right thing before I know them well. I visit taught a sister and I just had a hard time saying the right things. I felt so stupid after visit teaching her that I said dumb things about not being married and having a nice house…or something. Open mouth, insert foot. I truly did not mean to offend, but was so unaccustomed to making “small” talk in a vt setting with a single sister. I hope I’ve improved and this thread has been a great lesson.
jendoop
April 9th, 2009 @ 2:08 pm

I haven’t been able to follow this discussion as much as I would have liked, there have been so many comments! Melody I appreciate yours – I have to say this segregation by number of marriage situation (or marriage at all) is unique to areas dense in Mormon population. We are so grateful for sisterhood here, we cling to any strong women! Just yesturday I had a great discussion with the wife of a high counselor, it is a second marriage.

Tay is right about the LDS people categorizing people, especially when they are all shoved in a fishbowl. This does apply to marrieds as well- my mom, who is married to my very inactive father and lives in Utah, has resigned herself to never knowing what a leadership calling is like. It goes without saying that they don’t get invited to any social events either.

I for one am grateful for the organization of the church, and Relief Society especially, where I can come to know many wonderful women of all walks of life I would never get to know otherwise. From the widowed inactive sister with an anti-Mormon son, to the divorced and returning to activity sister I visit teach, to the newly married (without children) primary president that I’m a counselor for – It is all so amazing what we can do when we look past our differences and find what we have in common. We always can find things in common, it is fun to see what they are (beyond the obvious daughter of God answer).
jendoop
April 9th, 2009 @ 2:27 pm

Just attend a Spanish branch, you’ll feel loved! My friends don’t know what to do with me now, all this kissing on the cheek stuff
Lisa
April 9th, 2009 @ 3:26 pm

Thank you all for the wonderful insights into the struggles of being single in the church. I live in a ward with a variety of single women – never married (of all ages), divorced, widowed – as well as 20 year old
SAHM’s and empty nesters. I love my ward for the diversity. I was recently called as the RS president, the former president was a never married single sister in her 50′s who everyone loved. How intimidated I have been to follow her incredible example of love and service. She taught us all so well the value of sisterhood not motherhood or marriedhood (if that is even a word) This discussion has helped to reinforce this principle. Thank you!
Giggles
April 9th, 2009 @ 4:44 pm

Several years ago, I was in Relief Society class, and as it does occasionally, discussion turned from the lesson to husband-bashing. As I sat there, unable to participate, not only did I feel excluded from the group, but I was also made very aware of my single status. Part of me wanted to stand up and say that at least they had a husband to bash. The discussion killed the good spirit that was in the room and drew lines of separation not only between the sisters in the room but also between the men and women in the ward. I decided I would speak up if ever in that situation again. Gladly, I haven’t been in that situation since.

You might be standing on the married side of the fence and looking over at those that are single and feeling the need to say that things really aren’t greener over there. There is crab grass and dandelions you have to pull. We know that. It is only in fairy tales that marriage is the end of troubles. So to stand on the married side of the fence and look over and say how lucky we are to not have to deal with the weeds on your side not only minimizes the crab grass and dandelions we are dealing with, but also minimizes the righteous desires to change what side of the fence we are on.

Nobody’s problems should be minimized, but it often comes across that way.
gjl
April 9th, 2009 @ 4:53 pm

I’m one who’s mentioned having trouble finding peace in the temple. And I have to say, when I was in my twenties (I was endowed at 21 although I never served a mission) I loved going. It’s only been as I’ve headed into my mid-thirties that it’s begun to be difficult. After more than 13 years of temple attendance and continually thinking that I’m looking at future blessings, it gets harder and harder to believe that I’m talking about this lifetime. Most of the time there is peace in the temple, but sometimes listening to the words of the endowment is more painful than comforting. But I know it isn’t meant to be that way and that I just need to keep the faith and not lose hope. In the eternal scheme of things, those blessings will come about. There are just days when the eternal scheme of things is impossible to see even with strong glasses and a floodlight. I think part of being human is needing comfort of a more physical or immediate variety. I’m sure that particular feeling isn’t limited by sex, age or marital status, however
Julianne
April 9th, 2009 @ 5:31 pm

I wholeheartedly agree with everything that has been said on this subject. I’ve really enjoyed the dialogue from both sides.

Something I would like to add to your #1 is that we singles know about things even though we don’t have kids. For example, last night I went to a dinner and I ended up sitting at a table by myself with four couples. While I was tempted to move to a different table with my single friends, I didn’t want to be rude. The conversation inevitably turned to kids, and houses, and then schools. The women started complained about the quality of the schools. Trying to get involved with the discussion, I chimed in with my opinion about the situation.

Immediately my opinion was dismissed and disregarded because I don’t have kids so I wouldn’t know anything about it.

As has been said before by others, just treat singles like regular people. We have opinions. We watch the news. We can know and understand the complexities of issues without personally dealing with them. I don’t mind people disagreeing with my opinions but to be just dismissed away because I’m single is pretty dumb.
Giggles
April 9th, 2009 @ 6:00 pm

I know this is mostly a forum for women. But I can’t help but think about the single brothers in the Church. Their trials and problems are so very different. How often do we dismiss them? How often do we blame them for their single status? Marriage requires two people to agree to it at the same time, not just a man making the decision to get married on his own. Yet often when you see a single brother, especially one who has never been married, people whisper that they are “single for a reason” and that implied reason is never a good one. I believe that one of them out there is single for a reason, and that reason is because there has to be someone to marry me.
Naomi
April 9th, 2009 @ 6:52 pm

Giggles,

Since following this discussion, I have been thinking about single males in the Church as well. I think that so many more social stigmas are associated with older, single LDS males than with females. While pity may be associated with single females, blame and accusations seem to follow many of my male friends. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that many singles enter inactivity once they turn 31. Of course, I have no statistics on this trend, but it’s just something I have witnessed from my own experience.
Anon for this one
April 9th, 2009 @ 11:14 pm

While I don’t think that treating them as a menace to society is likely to help get them on the road to repentance, of the older single Mormon males I know well, for some of them worthiness is definitely an issue. Although this can of course also be true for females, my perception is that it’s more commonly so for males. I wouldn’t be surprised for there to be a correlation between that and inactivity rates — if you’d gone that long without conquering your demons, it could be discouraging to keep trying. I firmly believe that anyone can repent and change, but I know men who sure haven’t found their way yet.

On the other hand, there’s a newlywed couple in our ward and I think he was nearly 30 before they married. (And from all appearances very worthy.) They’d been friends for years and when he heard the Elder Oaks talk that discouraged hanging out, he was emboldened to tell her he was no longer willing to be “just friends,” so if she wanted to keep the relationship she’d have to be willing to be more than that. She considered the matter and ended up marrying him, and they seem very happy.
once single
April 10th, 2009 @ 10:58 am

I hope it is not an intrusion for a man to respond to the last few comments about single men in the church. I was an active LDS single man who got married 2 weeks before his 38th birthday.

For the most part I endured exactly what has been said in previous comments about being female and single in the church: It irritated me to know that I was the project du jour in some church council or private conversation. I chafed at being lectured over the pulpit on how to get married by people who married 6 months after their mission. I got angry recognizing the implied judgement that someone 15 years younger than I was better qualified in the church because he had a spouse and I didn’t. And I bristled at being told by married people that I was “too picky”; at least I finally found a good reply for that good natured criticism. If said in the presence of their spouse I would glance at the spouse and then say, “You mean you weren’t?”

But I also endured things that seem to be unique to the male single experience. Like has been said, my single status was condemned, not pitied. Being a single male in the church is not sad, it is instead an affront to the institution, a stamp of moral failure, a sign of personal cowardice.

I sat in a chapel during General Conference Priesthood session and had the prophet question my manhood for being unmarried in my late 20′s. I was asked on more than one occasion by priesthood leaders if I would like to sit down and talk and I soon found out that this was really an invitation to confess the hidden sin that obviously had kept me from getting married. I was lectured in mostly friendly ways about the many worthy single sisters who were waiting for me to act, almost as if my marriage, now that I’m in my 30s, should be an eternal service project and not about falling in love.

Finally, it has already been mentioned about the “bitter bomb”. But could I say, without offending, that I had the bitter bomb unleashed on me in various ways over those years and it was hurled by stalwart, single sisters like those who have responsed to this thread. It seemed like the anguish, the discomfort, the questioning and the uncertainty of being single in the church, which we all experience, found a target in me, implicating that I and other guys like me, were to blame for your plight. I hope this comes across as an attempt to enlighten and not accuse.

That guy some want to accuse is probably just like I was. Trying to do the right thing, trying to make the right choice in a decision with eternal consequences, trying to find his way in a social world that frequently seems unrewarding, trying to remain righteous and active even when there seem to be fewer and fewer reasons to stay that way, trying to negotiate adulthood with many doubts about the correctness of his choices, just trying to make his way in a world and culture that seems to misunderstand him and the path he finds himself on, a path he never thought he would be on.
Kracka
April 10th, 2009 @ 12:21 pm

I got married at 29. I’m 31 now. I lived in fear for way too long of the possibility of graduating out of my young single adult ward in the “wrong” way- 30 and unmarried. Some would say lucky for me that I didn’t. I say luckier for me that I didn’t meet my husband until I gave up and really accepted the fact that it might actually happen, and that whether it did or not had nothing whatsoever to do with my personal worth or capability to love or be loved by another. While I still feel strange about accepting flowers on mother’s day from the ward deacons, I don’t feel that same strangeness when my CTR 5 kids bring me flowers. Why? because the deacon doesn’t even know my last name, and he’s just “doing his job”- it’s not a personal thing for him. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am at present infertile and childless.

If I am not mistaken there was a really good conference talk not long back about how all women are mothers be they unmarried, divorced or no. President Monson gave another excellent talk worth studied review to all who feel alone and abandoned. Both I think are relevant to this discussion.

Mothering is loving and nurturing. It has nothing to do with physical or emotional virginity or barrenness. Christ enjoined us to care for the widows and the fatherless, and all his commandments are spiritual as well as physical. Cannot the widow or the fatherless instead be all who are without the Bridegroom, and the Father instead of just the divorcee’ and foster kid? Does my wearing a gold band have the slightest bearing on being able to understand what it is to BE a devoted spouse? I submit that it absolutley does not. Besides which, my earthly marriage won’t amount to much or even continue on into the eternities if I do not learn that first lesson first. There was another conference talk about that this past sunday afternoon.

To the sister that suffers from difficulty with her experience in the Temple of our God, I would submit that rather than focusing so acutely on your temporal singledom, consider instead on where and how you might be keeping yourself from being “married” to Christ- becoming one in Him through acts of genuine compassion, charity and love towards those around you.Temple rites, ceremonies and relationship are so wonderful because they are rife with literal as well as allegorical relational meanings. Look deeper at the doctrine the actions and the order reveals and ddemonstrates. People make insensitive comments all the time. I am one of those people. What brings hope and peace in spite of marital/unmarital difficulty is our focus on Christ. It cannot be had without Him.
wendy
April 10th, 2009 @ 12:43 pm

I haven’t had time to read most of the comments, so I hope I’m not being redundant or too off topic. I married at 33. The one biggest thing I remember that helped me through those last couple of years to be happy was some wise words from my therapist. She said, “Even if you never get married, you don’t have to be lonely.”

I was not reclusive or private or lacking in friends, but still I took that to heart and reached out even more to those around me. It seemed a significant part of opening my heart.

Back to the Segullah topic, I agree that it would be nice to have more essays and such that really gear to single women (as well as more that are simply universal). I would’ve LOVED that when I was single, and I am keenly aware of the lack of it when I want to tell my close friends about Segullah and they are single.
Rivkah
April 10th, 2009 @ 1:05 pm

Once single, I hear you–I think we (including some of us single women) blame single men far too often. We bemoan the lack of active single men in the Church, and then we criticize the ones who actually show up.

I can’t tell you the number of times people have said to me something along the lines of, “What is wrong with these men?” I’m not single because something is “wrong” with single men; I’m single because I haven’t met the right person yet.

One reason I think it’s more difficult for men is that they don’t have the social support that women are more likely to have. I look around my mid-singles ward and see that most men are either sitting with women or by themselves–rarely with other single men. There are fewer single men for them to relate to. Also, it’s not as acceptable for men to talk openly about their struggles. The older I get, the more I admire the single men who remain stalwart in the faith despite all the obstacles.
jks
April 10th, 2009 @ 4:20 pm

“So to stand on the married side of the fence and look over and say how lucky we are to not have to deal with the weeds on your side not only minimizes the crab grass and dandelions we are dealing with, but also minimizes the righteous desires to change what side of the fence we are on.”
I agree. My point was simply that I have discovered that most people feel alone and out of place or different. Don’t burst my bubble. I spent so many years of my life feeling shy and self-conscious and out of place and wondering what was wrong with me. I now know that there is nothing wrong with me.
I had hoped to point out that when you go to church there are others there who feel like you even though their marriage situation might be different.

I appreciate all the comments. I think about unmarried people a lot. One of my brothers and both of my sisters have not married (my sisters are inactive though so it is not a church issue for them).
I can’t imagine someone actually saying some of the insensitive comments.
I am giving a stake women’s conference presentation on eating better for less money. I am very conscious of not knowing what situation the women might be in. How can I possibly teach everyone everything that is applicable to them and not include things that aren’t applicable to them. I just hope to throw some ideas out and then they can take what might work for them in their situation.
mormonhermitmom
April 11th, 2009 @ 1:29 am

I have a brother and a sister in law who are younger than me but older than the typical young married LDS people. They talk about their challenges and I am always interested to hear about what’s going on in their lives because they are different from mine as a SAHM. I don’t talk about dating unless they bring it up. I certainly don’t try to set them up with anyone. I’ll tell them a story about my kids if it was something that was really funny.

These comments have been good for me. I don’t want to alienate anyone because I have felt that way in a different sense. I would definitely encourage those women who are not currently married to send in an essay for Segullah. A choir is only interesting if there are many different voices.
stacy
April 11th, 2009 @ 12:21 pm

I’d like to mention something about setting up your single friends. It’s actually often welcome, if you know someone who you think would match with them *personally*–as an individual. Not “you’re single, he’s single, you should get along GREAT!”–which I’ve had happen many times–and not the kind of superficial “you like movies, he likes movies! it’s perfect!” kind of thing–which I’ve had from people who were close enough to me to know better. That latter one turned out to be a guy who worked part-time (and never intended to get a full-time job), never intended to finish his bachelor’s and made fun of me for having a master’s. Obviously not a good fit, but someone my former roommate–who should have known me better–just assumed that because we both liked “movies” (not necessarily the same ones) that we’d be a great match, and gave my email to the guy before I even said yes. Our personalities were so far removed from each other, my drive and abilities threatened him so much, that he lashed out at me every chance he got when he wasn’t being all fanboy because of the game designing company I worked for at the time.

So we’ve all had some nightmare set-ups–I eventually blocked that guy on my IM because I don’t really like to invite verbal abuse, for example.

But we *do* welcome the sincere, well-thought out set-up. A guy I used to date is still a really close friend, now that he’s married and has a family. He mentioned a while back that he has a friend who has similar interests to both of us (after all, there’s a reason why we’re still friends) and that he thinks the guy and I have similar personalities and would get along well. He thought about me, as an individual, and thought about his guy friend, as an individual, and very thoughtfully considered whether he thought we might get along.

The setup hasn’t happened yet, and of course it might not work out. But I appreciate how my friend considered me and the guy as individuals before deciding whether the offer of a setup would have worked for both of us. And I hope that the setup double date does happen, to see if there’s potential.

So, if you’re considering setting up your single friend, I think it’s okay–just be sure that you’re carefully considering whether that friend and the match-up friend would get along well or not. Perhaps your instinct might end up not working out, but I think if your friends know that you’re sincere and that you’ve considered their personalities and talents and interests, they won’t resent you, but instead appreciate your act of kind friendship.
Emily M.
April 11th, 2009 @ 5:30 pm

Stacy, that is great advice. I confess to having thought “I should set them up” and then rethought it when I realized that the only thing they had in common was the fact that they were both my friends and both single.

(and here I blush while admitting that I have blogstalked you since I listened to your great Writing Excuses podcast a few weeks ago. I was listening to all the archives while dealing with my broken leg… and I almost signed up for the class you taught at the library. Had a scheduling conflict. So I’m tickled that you check in at Segullah now and then too.)
Selwyn
April 13th, 2009 @ 2:17 am

I am now approaching “single” (separated awaiting finalisation of my divorce) after 12 years of being married. We were sealed in the temple, so it has been an eye-opening journey from “the ideal” to “single”.

I have found that my marital status instantly changed some people’s reaction to me and my children. I am a strong, faithful and capable woman, yet was almost immediately considered a “service project in waiting” when I moved to my current branch as a “single sister”. Thankfully the branch leaders consider every member as an individual, and not as a set of circumstances, so as people got to know me they shrugged off the preconceptions they had made.

I agree with Melody that being single after marriage adds different complications, mostly in how others see/act, and being single with children does the same again.

I definately agree with many commentors that touch (or the lack of it) is a difficult issue to deal with. A hug is a hug is a hug. You’re not hugging or touching “a single person”, you’re hugging a PERSON.

It’s the recognition that you are a person, no matter your other possible categorisations (does it really matter that I’m a redhead? Or that I live in Australia while the vast majority of Segullah readers are US based?), that should guide your interaction with others.

The hymn “As Sisters In Zion” doesn’t talk about marital status, person circumstance or groupings other than “As sisters in Zion we’ll all work together”. We’re sisters, so we should try and keep our focus simply on that.

As Michelle L quoted (in her blog) from Sr Hinckley, “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” We all have our own battlefronts, and we all are in dire need of staunch allies.

I’m ready and willing to be enlisted in a friend’s war effort, particularly when I know them well enough individually to be aware of what they are fighting for, and the difficulties they are fighting against. I hope that they will trust me enough to deploy me to where they need support most, be it in the hospital mopping up tears, in the mess handing out comfort food, or keeping the communication lines open so they never feel terribly, horribly alone and abandoned.

That’s my goal, regardless of my or other’s status in any other arenas.

Thanks to all who have contributed to this discussion.
Sarah
April 13th, 2009 @ 3:36 pm

Once Single:

Classic line!! I will be using that one. I hate being told I’m too picky. What does that even mean? That I should marry someone I don’t really like or am not attracted to? That I should marry someone I would not have married 10 years ago, just because they are around and I apparently need to be married? So crazy.

Also, I really feel for my single (Mormon) male friends. They want love and companionship, and they are not running from marriage or any particular “issue.” I appreciated your thoughts. And the “too picky” comeback… love it.
m&m
April 13th, 2009 @ 11:32 pm

FWIW, I met my hubby through someone playing set up. I was burned out as anything, too…coming off a two-year relationship (another one of those close-but-not-quites that had gotten VERY frustrating and old for me).

I can empathize with those who were single. I also echo those who remind us that we all have our stuff. Ah, I know too many married people who struggle, too. That’s not to dismiss the singles’ struggles at all, but just to say that we ought not assume that all marrieds have it easy, either. Something that comes to mind is a blog comment somewhere where a person complained about no physical intimacy in the marriage. Imagine needing touch, but really having no one even think of that as a possibility because you are married!

Just thinking about that makes me want to hug more people, single or not. But then that can be taboo to some….

And Ardis’ comment even about shaking hands…whoa, we need to do more of that, then! Easy, non-threatening touch, no?

Anyway, I think discussions like this are important. Some of what I feel here is that we need to be willing to LISTEN more. I get the sense that needs and struggles in many ways are diverse. We can’t just assume to know what kind of ‘language of love’ singles in our world might speak.

I think it’s easy to forget that in general, no? We each process pain and need support in different ways.

For those of us who have ever tried, but goofed, please be patient. I know there are so many of us who care so much abot this, but we sometimes are clueless. Or even stupid at times. I hope people will be willing to do what they have done here…help others to know better how to help.

For example, I invited a woman to dinner with our fam this weekend, but was so grateful when she said, “You know, that really isn’t my thing. But how about we take a walk sometime instead?” She helped me know how to help her. Can’t put a price tag on that when you really WANT to help and care, but don’t always know HOW.
Kristina
April 16th, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

I am a mid-thirties single LDS woman. I love the discussion that has happened on this blog. It is heartening to see eyes being opened and mutual understanding being achieved whether married or single.

One thing that I want to call out is that I, and many of my single friends, don’t expect marriage to be easy at all. I know it is not. I know it is often hard to steer a ship with two captains, that being married doesn’t guarantee happiness, faithfulness or loyalty. The notion that marriage is a ‘happily ever after’ scenario was alive in my early twenties, but I’ve lived enough life to be smarter than that now.

However, even through all of the bad times, even if a marriage ends, if you are married, at least you know that at one point, someone loved you enough to choose you. Someone wanted to build a life with you. Someone was excited about you. Someone wanted you.

I am successful in my career. I am financially sound. I have wonderful family and friends. I have children in my life who I regularly nurture. I am mentally stable. I am an optimist. I fulfill all of my callings and keep my temple covenants. People even say I am outwardly beautiful. Yet, despite all of my talents and abilities, no man wants me. I am no one’s choice. At the end of the day, it hurts. It’s embarrasing. And, it is a sentiment that is common.
Michelle Glauser
May 25th, 2009 @ 3:50 am

I have had this tab open for ages, because I just can’t seem to let it go. I’ve thought and thought about what kind of comment I could leave, but I have so many different thoughts.

This mother’s day was the first time I was offered a flower at church. I had this awful feeling that it might happen, and I dismayed-ly shook my head when the little girl tried to give it to me. The lady next to me kind of snickered. I’m just not ready to be given that label, but maybe it’s already happened. I don’t know if someone sent her or if she thought of me herself,

I have never noticed a lack of physicality in my life until the last few months. I thought I was crazy when I started to crave it. Then I thought about how though I was never very physical when I lived with my family, just that little bit was lacking. Instead of fearing the awkward shakes and hugs in the church, I looked forward to them, and even started being a “cuddle slut” with other YSAs–that is, someone who doesn’t require commitment with cuddling. (Yikes!)

Then there’s the part of me that asks if marriage is what I really want and if I can hack it or not just based on my knowledge of its being a commandment.

And though I fight against the idea that people can be too picky, sometimes I debate with myself whether I should date someone because he is righteous, though I feel no butterflies. I’ve had a blog post brewing on the topic for some time now. (Basically, if I believe that I’m going to be with someone forEVER, doesn’t that mean I have the right to be a bit choosy, especially as a daughter of a god who wants me to be happy?)

Thanks for the honesty. Ardis’s comment was especially meaningful.
nita
November 24th, 2009 @ 11:25 pm

well I’m coming to this discussion quite late, but in my defense, I just found it! Thank you so much for all these wonderful comments. They validate my experience in so many ways. In my case, I’m single never married- will turn 41 in less than 2 weeks.

I remember being in my early 20′s and praying that single or married, my life would be of no less service, in that I wouldn’t “waste the time of my life” in depression due to being single. Sadly while I’ve never taken medicine or had counseling (which I realize might help), I’ve spent hours in sadness, tears over the years due to this issue. Still I try my best to do my part to help others.

Awhile ago, I met an older lady of another faith who had never married. This lady shared w/me her perspective on being single throughout life, she referred to herself as “an unclaimed treasure”. I thought that was such a beautiful and helpful sentiment.

I do hope that one day there will be better understanding of the concerns and heartaches of those who are single.
dalene
November 25th, 2009 @ 7:06 am

thanks for sharing your experience and perspective. i share your hope of greater understanding.