Comments on: Are you your mother?

By: Maddison

Maddison — Mon, 26 May 2008 00:45:19 +0000

Yes, I am a reactionary. My mother was negligent at best so it is my full intent to be conscientious and careful with my step-daughters and future children. I also take queue from other moms whom I disagree with; overbearing, overprotective, overstimulating. And of course, take heed from those with whom I do agree and blend it all into something of my own making. My husband and I do tend to disagree because his mother did everything for him and thus he really doesn’t see the need for children to have chores and age-appropriate responsibilities. And he too, is reacting to his father who was abusive at best so my husband has become very, very permissive. It’s a fine balance to be made but all in all I think we do well. The thing that makes it good for us, I think, is that we talk about it. It’s a frequent topic of discussion between us so we’re constantly weighing and comparing and judging what’s best for our girls in the moment and in the long run. We also make the concerted effort to listen to one another, even when we disagree, so that we both can contribute and step back when needed. It’s a difficult thing, though, parenting.

By: Becky

Becky — Sun, 25 May 2008 23:21:10 +0000

Weird food memories….I was probably 4 when I took a ton of green olives, thinking they were grapes. I sat at that kitchen table for HOURS, because I wouldn’t eat them. Still can’t eat olives to this day, after that incident.

Do I parent like my parents? Sometimes, I think. But both dh and I are trying desperately to eliminate many of the parenting mistakes our parents made….and it’s HARD sometimes. It almost like it’s the only thing we know, so we don’t know any better way to react. But, we’re always trying new things, so that we won’t resort to our parent’s bad parenting habits. This past year has been pretty intense, and I’m so thankful we’ve been able to eliminate some bad parenting.

By: Allypally

Allypally — Sun, 25 May 2008 16:43:28 +0000

I do not have a good relationship with my mother. We just don’t get along. She has a very negative outlook on life, and sadly is just depressing to talk to.

But, this post has made me think. I aspire to parent like her. She was a wonderfully free-spirited mother. We finger-painted with chocolate cake mix. We built tunnels and caves out of overturned sofas. There was one rule – and only one. No water fights in the house. There were always piles – literally piles – of neighborhood bikes outside our house, because our house was the fun house and my mother was famous in the neighborhood for letting us do stuff.

She was very non-expressive, though, and the one thing I make sure I do different is tell my kids how much I love them, every day, several times a day.

Maybe I am not like my mother. In the time it has taken me to type this, my kids have pulled the sofa apart and I need to go make them put it back together…

Thanks for giving me a positive way of thinking about my mother this morning!

By: Rachelle

Rachelle — Sun, 25 May 2008 04:19:32 +0000

I always thought I was exactly like my Dad. Recently, as the mother of three children, two of them daughters I have discovered I am a lot like my Mom. I fight some of the same parenting battles she did and sometimes I discover her way truly was better. Sometimes I discover that my children and my personality require a different solution. There are a few ways in which I am proud to be like my mother or at least hope to be like her. My mother always encouraged us to follow our dreams, even if they were not the same dreams she had. She always accepted us for ourselves. I really want to give my children that same level of acceptance.

I do catch myself saying things my mother said like “Guess what?” the child says what. I reply “I love you.” I sing the same lullaby to my son that my Mom sang to me. Yet, my daughters get completely different lullabies. My mom calls me one of “her people.” I proudly call my children “my people.” Sometimes I update it a little to “my posse.” There is something so satisfying about passing these gifts of mothering from one generation to the next.

Are there times I refuse to be like my mother. Absolutely. But honestly there are times I wish I could be more like her.

On the other hand, I often feel like I am walking around in my mother-in-law shoes. Responding to situations the way she does or would. I am married to her son who is sooo much like his Dad it is often just wierd. I am proud to be like her also. I think we should learn the lessons we need from the strong women in are life and ignore the traits that just don’t work for us.

By: m&m

m&m — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:14:40 +0000

I think parenting is a process of becoming and not of being.

Love this. But I’m not sure that I agree that all books out there focus on being and not becoming. I have a handful of books that I feel have helped me understand the principle of agency in powerful ways, and I feel it helping me open my heart more to the Spirit and to change.

I think that as much as we should try to avoid bad patterns, etc., the gospel really is our best guide. RE-acting to parents’ patterns only risks creating more patterns and risks throwing us off. Act and not being acted upon and all of that….

That said, it never ceases to amaze me that God would leave this work to such imperfect people. No matter how hard we try, we will goof. Repeatedly. And probably seriously in some ways. The atonement is for parents in a big, big way, and for all the fallout from our imperfections which will be there no matter what. I am working hard to really trust in that so that when my kids get to the point when they can really see how imperfect I am that I will be able to point them to the Lord and let them know that my imperfections are part of their journey, all in God’s knowledge and wisdom, and that He can help them overcome the effects of all imperfection in their lives and help them become and be better than we were.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:06:57 +0000

Many years ago, I worked for child welfare–before I had children of my own. I knew that even though I didn’t have children yet, I knew that my parents would have done such and such in “x” situation, and that was immensely helpful–I used that as a guide, along with all the book learnin’ I’d had in college/grad school.
Now, as a therapist working with teenagers, even though I don’t have teenagers yet, I do think about what worked well or not so well with my parents.
For Heather–I constantly struggle with how to ‘pay my parents back’ for all they do for me and my family. And then I think…do I really expect my children to pay me back? Nah…but I do hope they’ll take good care of me when I’m an old lady. I definitely plan on caring for my parents when the time comes.

By: Angie

Angie — Fri, 23 May 2008 19:23:43 +0000

I love that book, Justine. the authors have another one called “Siblings Without Rivalry” that is even better.

I try really hard not to be my mother. I some areas she did a much better job than I do, and I am coming to appreciate those more as I get older, but overall I have very different values, and that informs most of what I (try to) do.

My husband doesn’t react as much to the negative things in his background. He just says things like “we don’t move that much” (3 times in 3 years seems like alot to me) because his family was even more nomadic. Sometimes I want to say “That is not a normal baseline!” but for him it is, and he is at peace with it.

By: Heather O.

Heather O. — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:02:02 +0000

When my grandmother was a young woman, her father put her on a train from Salt Lake City to Boston, Massachusetts so she could be educated at Radcliffe College, an elite woman’s school in Cambridge. This was a time when most people in Utah did not send their kids back East to be educated, much less send their DAUGHTERS. She knew the sacrifice her parents were making, and said to her father, “How can I ever repay you for this?”

“You can’t” he told her. “The only thing you can do is make sure you give your daughters the same opportunity.”

I’ve thought about that statement a lot since becoming a mother. How can my children repay me for everything I do for them?

Bottom line, they can’t. Just like I can’t repay all the things my mother has done for me. Parenting is the ultimate pay it forward system. Hopefully, you are paying good things forward as well as some of the not so good things.

Oh, and just to wrap up the story, yes, my grandmother did have 2 daughters. One of them graduated from Wellsley College in Massachusetts–the other went to Boston University. When I myself was accepted to Boston University, 50 some-odd years later, I had trouble deciding between BYU and BU. My father informed me of this little known Boston family tradition, and said that he would love to see me follow in his mother’s footsteps (literally!). When your father tells you something like that, well, things get pretty simple pretty quickly!

By: Dalene

Dalene — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:36:06 +0000

One more thing. Whenever I catch myself wanting to ask my kids some of the really tough questions–

Why don’t you accept all the sacrifices I make for you?

Why don’t you appreciate a fraction of what I do for you?

Why can’t you see and accept how loved you are?

–I’m pretty humbled by the fact that my heavenly parents are probably tired of asking me those very same questions.

By: Dalene

Dalene — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:30:37 +0000

So here’s the thing: For those of us who are saying we work hard to make sure our kids feel loved and wanted (and I’m going to add “understood” to the list). What if our parents worked equally as hard to make sure we felt like that too?

But for whatever reason we didn’t.

And what if no matter our efforts to give that to our kids, some of them don’t perceive how loved, wanted and understood they really are?

That’s the dilemma I find myself in with one of my teenagers right now and it is both humbling and discouraging.