I want to share an experience that I had as YW President. My problem was that a few parents of very active families with really “together” children were not encouraging their teens to attend every YW activity. When I would respectfully question the mothers about a teen’s non-attendance, the answer was often to say that the child was doing great, very involved with school, sports, work or whatever, and didn’t really “need” the activity. Sometimes, frankly, I had to agree. That child did not need the activity.

My issue was that even if a certain well-balanced, highly focused teen wasn’t in great need of a particular activity, the YW organization WAS in great need of having that teen in attendance to serve as an example and role model for others. We needed that strength and influence in our program; the girls who were not as strong needed to be around those who were. And so I thought the effort should be made to get every YW to attend the activities, to support the WARD family, which was important, too. I wanted them to attend as a means of giving of themselves and lifting up the hands that were hanging down, so to speak.

It is definitely a fine line to walk in deciding what to attend/not attend, isn’t it? But I agree with the woman who posted earlier that the best route is to make the whole thing a matter of prayer.

I go to the ward Christmas party and other fun family events. We have a wonderful chili cook off, a golf tounament. Some of our RS super saturdays have been fun others not so interesting. I use personal discretion and I feel certain no one thinks less of me because I didn’t make a fall wreath with RS or we missed the polka band as the entertainment at the stake social.

I don’t feel obligated unless my calling specifically requires my service to be there. As Gospel Doctrine Teacher I have thankfully few such obligations. But my husband as 2nd counsellor in the bishopric never misses his obligations to the youth and primary. Guilt? no. Not when I get to hear about what my 11 year olds crush said to him in passing at lunch or snuggle my toddler with Goodnight Moon for the 100th time. Family first.

Even when we tried to pare down our schedule, we had a zealous stake YW presidency who felt the need to do “more” all the time. It was a constant struggle for me, both as a YW leader and as a mother, to resist the impulse to try and do it all, out of a sense of duty, guilt or a desire to please others. I never wanted to do it all because I felt it blessed the lives of my children, helped me be a better parent, wife or mother, but I felt obligated to be supportive. Every time the YW calendar came out and I would see sometimes three or four YW related obligations a week, I would grit my teeth and try to be positive.

I regret to say the more/less activity issue was a source of conflict in my relationship with both the bishopric counselor over YW and with my stake YW president. It was only the counsel of our stake presidency and a bishop–who subscribed to the “less is more/defer to the family”–that gave me confidence to stand by the counsel of President Packer who has since been joined by Elder Oakes (at October conference) and the WWLTM. I made a lot of mistakes by being too aggressive in my efforts to “do the right thing” and I now regret that I didn’t do a better job of being more humble with my leaders, no matter how strongly I felt.

In the intervening months since my release, my family has moved abroad and we currently live in a large European city. The only church activities that can work here have to be simple: logistically, our lives are too complex to support lots of branch activities. The demands of expatriate jobs, horrendous traffic, cultural barriers, an international school with far more rigorous demands for a simple diploma than many US schools make it harder for our youth and RS to have have programs on the scope that I saw at home (America). Things many auxiliary leaders take for granted in the US from poster boards, colored printer paper, many grocery items, laminating machines, access to craft stores and Costco are so far out of reach here we don’t even try to replicate our US experiences.

What I’ve learned is that gospel in simplicity is a beautiful thing. I wish more members could have this experience–where your family has to be the center of your religious life because there simply isn’t anything else to distract you. Personal progress gets done because we, my daughters and I, get it done. Homemaking skills are taught by me, in my home. Seminary is taught in a branch member’s home. Our RS activities are truly quarterly, save a few interest groups that reflect branch members needs. What I’ve learned is that many of the activities that are routine for members in more established locations in the church can’t be done everywhere. So much of what is seen as necessary and normal is, in actuality, cultural.

We have a saying in my home: just because we can, doesn’t mean we should. I have come to believe, especially after my experience as YW president, that we need to say this more often in our councils and planning meetings. We owe it to our families. I feel like sometimes as a YW president was “looking beyond the mark.” Trying to make things more complex or involved because I felt it was expected of me. Now I have a testimony of putting the family first, not just lip service, but making a meaningful effort to simplify and refocus our energies.

My last stint in the YW presidency, there was a significant change, and I’m pretty sure it came about as a result of people lifting their voices. We were regularly counseled from the stake to limit the girls’ commitment to once a week. If there was a stake activity, we canceled the ward activity. Sometimes this was harder than you’d think, especially when activities were scheduled on short notice. But the benefits to following the rule were enormous!

A friend, who happens to be YW pres in her ward, and I were chatting about the program and she mentioned how late she returned home from activities. We ended up discussing how the parents of the youth probably felt the same way, and that she was in a position to change that.

However, I’ve spent about the last month or so lying around the apartment semi-conscious telling my husband “Bring me food!” “ACK! Not that food! Get it away!” “X smells, clean it pleeeease!”, etc. Poor husband- I never even really woke up enough to be interesting to talk to that whole month and was overall a very bad guest. And the whole time, I still managed to get to Scouts and (more or less) do a meeting. I’m ok with that- honestly, we both needed the outside social interaction with other folks at church at that point.

However: last week, I got home from work on Tuesday and actually felt good. So what did I do? I called my Scouts’ parents up and cancelled for that night. I figured if I was going to feel like crap anyway, I might as well do Cub Scouts. But since I’d been riding roughshod over my one ‘n’ only Sugar Booger and it was my first period of real consciousness in a month, I don’t owe them Cub Scouts anything near as much as I did our rather ragged family life at the moment. I have yet to feel even a suggestion of guilt over that one. I even went so far as to divulge to the Scout moms the real reason for my staying home, and they thought it was awesome- perhaps it will give them inspiration for the moments in which they too need to take a stand. ; )

That said, now I have teenagers I look at weeks in which every night but Monday is taken up with RS, High Priests, Mutual and stake things and I go a little crazy. I actually brought this up with my bishop and asked if that wasn’t something they looked at in coorelation meeting, but I was told that wasn’t part of the purpose. It seems to me if it’s not–then especially given the recent counsel at WWTM–it certainly should be.

Interestingly, almost every time I have been set apart for a calling I have been counseled to put my family first. You think that would be enough to teach me to let go of the guilt I feel when I pick and choose, but like Justine said–the cultural guilt remains.

Overall I like having our family culture built around Church activity, and I am willing to do less “other” stuff to make that work. In my current ward I don’t feel over-scheduled. But I have been there.