Comments on: How do we put the “society” in Relief Society (or society in general)?

By: Blog Segullah : The perfect testimony?

Blog Segullah : The perfect testimony? — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 22:11:18 +0000

[...] a brief hiatus, I am excited to resume our Ask Nine Women posts. (And no worries, the follow-up to this post is still coming soon.) We very much appreciate your submissions and your [...]

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 01:42:01 +0000

I started working about 5 years ago and ended up traveling around the country and being away from home alot. I started experiencing the loss of connection that many working women feel. Your life changes and added to the mix, our youngest son left on his mission. Attending church and enrichment activities still left me feeling that I hadn’t really made any connections with people specifically. I knew there had to be other people that were feeling like I did, so I set out to do something about it.
I invited 8 women to my house on evening and told them I was starting a Friends 4 Life Support group. There…we had a name! These were women that I enjoyed being around and just felt like their friendship would feed my soul. Sure enough, we have bonded and can’t wait to get together the next month. We have simple and no pressure guidelines… bring something to eat if you want, come under any circumstance, make up or no and by all means, don’t spend the day cleaning the house for us! We eat, talk, laugh and have a ball. I always liked the idea of a book club…I just didn’t want to read a book every month, so this is our version. We bring ideas about life, holidays, kids and grandkids and share solutions regarding any topics that may be on our minds.
We must put ourselves out to make it happen. Be brave enough and realize that there are many others that are feeling just like you do. There are some women that I originally had invited to join our group but they have never come. That’s just fine because the core of us that needed each other found the friendship and support that we need in our lives right now. I suspect this will only continue for years to come.
Call yourselves a recipe club, or some other excuse to get together, but just make it happen! Start sharing your life…

By: Harlene

Harlene — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 02:19:51 +0000

Everyone has been where you are and have given some great suggestions. I only have a couple to add.

Need help with something and help others with their needs as well. The older Moms would love someone to take their kids to the park, every bit as much as you would enjoy their company. Borrow food, ask for directions, need help finding a babysitter, a doctor or ask for some suggestions from the library. Eventually you’ll discover who you just click with. Also, join some playgroups or classes outside the church.

Oops, I just read the last post, so I meant to say, I agree with cahkaylahlee;) It works, it’s how I’ve made some of my closest friends.

My other suggestion may sound silly but, pray for friends. Pray to know who might need you to be their friend. Pray that the BFF you need moves in next door. I’m not kidding, Heavenly Father knows women need each other. He designed us that way.

By: cahkaylahlee

cahkaylahlee — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 13:47:29 +0000

I thought of something else that one of my close-in-heart, long-in-distance friends gets a lot of mileage out of: asking for specific acts of service. She says it like this: “I think you should come over at [xx day and time] and help me pull the weeds from my back yard so I can have a garden,” “It would be fantastic if you washed the dishes in the sink while I make you lunch,” and, when she learned I could crochet, “You should make me a warm winter hat.” In each of these cases she got something she needed done, and I benefited by getting my exercise and a good talk, having someone make me lunch, and improving my talents.

That being said, I’m not very good at putting this concept into practice, even though most people are more than willing to do small acts of service if you ask them to.

By: meggle

meggle — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:56:03 +0000

Here’s my 2 cents: I’m now pushing 40 with 5 kids ranging from preschool to highschool, so I’m out of your stage, but I remember it well, and some of my best friends are still there. I can tell you what doesn’t work. A gal with two toddlers moved in a couple of years ago, and we started chatting, and it seemed as though we could develop a friendship. We talked once or twice on the phone, and because my life is hectic, I sometimes had to cut those conversations short. After that, everytime she called, she would say “I know you’re so busy…” and kind of imply that I had no time for her. Actually I have time for all kinds of friends, but generally, they have to be people who aren’t put off by the fact that sometimes I do have other stuff going on. I guess what I’m saying is this- don’t wait for people to call you or assume they are too busy- this actually ends up being a turn-off, because then you seem high maintenance. Just call and say “I’m going to the park with my kids, wanna come?” Or drop by. I love it, and if I’m busy, I’ll tell you- just please don’t be offended. Those of us who have lots of kids or older kids really can be great friends- if you don’t take it personally when we have somewhere else to be. When I’ve ended up developing close friendships, it has been with people who are extremely flexible and not afraid to put themselves out there!

By: Justine

Justine — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:32:36 +0000

I agree, GO TO EVERYTHING. The greatest and most unexpected connections I’ve made are with women twice my age or women half my age and have been found at ward/R.S functions.

And start a walking/running group. I’m closer to my running partners than just about anyone in the world. There’s a lot of therapy that goes on out there on the pavement early in the morning.

But the truth of it is, there are really only a very few people throughout the course of my adult life that I would consider my closest friends. That synergy/connection/whatever just doesn’t happen that often. Once I find it, I’ve held on to those friends tightly even as hundreds or thousands of miles have separated us.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 11:40:11 +0000

I’m my own best friend. We agree on everything and we laugh at the same jokes.

By: Canela

Canela — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 07:53:38 +0000

Change is always difficult. I believe you are experiencing three changes at once which compounds the effect. You are a new mom, you have moved, and you are changing in your needs for friendship. I too, have been there as a military wife, I too left the comforts of BYU married housing to criss-cross the nation six times and we are not yet done moving. (At this moment I too feel lonely in a crowd.) What helped me as a mother of one, in a new city craving deep friendships was a change in perspective and expectations.

I decided that perhaps this was a good time to take stock of who I was becoming and if that direction needed change, this requires time and introspection. Perhaps this will be a great time to be reacquainted with yourself as you learn to enjoy the company of your thoughts and feelings. Of course a great sounding board whom you trust implicitly can be very helpful and thus we seek friends. But you see, the “run to the store friend” need is not as strong as it used to be and now you crave deeper friendships and these take time. Weeds and thistles grow quickly, roses take more care and fruit trees take years to mature and give fruit. Perhaps waiting for these friendships to mature is very worthwhile and you just need to give them time. Now I know that time is not always to be had, as military moves every three years or so have taught me. Nevertheless, if you have the luxury that time can be a true asset. Remember there are some who have thrown caution to the wind and are ready to throw themselves head long into friendships regardless of the potential investment/return ratio and these are true gems. I hope you find one, pray for one, but know that they will expect the same in return. Until then, I hope that you will enjoy the rediscovery of yourself and the more anonymous but rich companionship one can find in blogs like these. Best of Luck in mining for diamonds. (By the way, I am not trying to pontificate, perhaps I am only trying to remind myself of the lessons I learned ten years ago and am in need of a refresher.)

By: Gabby

Gabby — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:00:20 +0000

I’ve thought about this a lot recently because shortly after I moved into this area 2 years ago, I became disabled because of M.S.
I LOVE my ward, I know there are women who really could become great friends. And my ward has been extraordinary in helping our family through my health crisis over the past two years. But I do sometimes feel like my interactions with people are not exactly equal because I’m kind of a charity case and they’re serving me. Maybe this shouldn’t stop me, but it makes me feel a little uneasy when it comes to making friends.
My previous formula for making friends (playgroups, asking a mom with similar aged kids to go to the zoo, going walking with someone, I even was part of a cleaning club where we met once a week and cleaned each other’s houses!), I can no longer do. I can’t make park play dates. Can’t go walking with someone. I’m homeschooling, so I can’t go to the ward playgoup. I can’t really *do* anything with a friend, except get together and talk. Which is what I desperately want, but I’m not sure how to get to that level of intimacy without going through the steps I talked about above.
I’m sure there are ways, and I need to be more creative. Mostly, I’m just really busy with my kids so I don’t have much time to worry about it, but sometimes I do feel lonely.

By: m&m

m&m — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:17:18 +0000

When I was in young mom stage, the phone was my friend. When kids were sleeping or I was doing housework, this was a time to connect with people I knew, even if they weren’t in my ward.

I’d also recommend (if this hasn’t been mentioned already) volunteering to contribute to or start a young-mom’s midweek group…rotating houses, bringing children to play while women can just talk, etc.