Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it than this?

Posted by Rosalyn | May 21, 2010 | 39 Comments

Our UP CLOSE topic this month is on motherhood. We are pleased to bring you this piece from guest author Rosalyn Eves. She is a (mostly) stay-at-home mom to two young children, currently living in Southern Utah with her chemistry professor husband. She has a BA in English from BYU and an MA and PhD in English from Penn State, which she puts to use by teaching the occasional composition class at a local university. In the little spare time that she has she reads, writes, occasionally runs, and generally avoids housework.

Before my first child was born, a good friend took me aside and warned me, “One of the hardest parts about being a mother is the boredom.” I looked around me at her comfortable home; at her two blond-haired blue-eyed children looking at a picture book near our feet; at the quilting project slung half-finished over the sewing machine; at the partially constructed puzzle on the floor–and I didn’t believe her.

Then I had my son. Once the initial shock and exhaustion wore off, I started to wonder if maybe my friend was right. Sure, there were those exalted moments when I snuggled my cheek against his, when I watched the tiny play of movement across his face while he slept, when we read books together and he laughed–but in between those moments were other, less exalting events: countless iterations of diaper changes, settling–again–in the chair where I seemed to nurse endlessly, and even, sometimes, trying to play with my son. Although he was fascinated by the colored blocks I offered him, there was only so much interest I could sustain in them.

This wasn’t exactly what I’d pictured when I signed up for motherhood. Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it than this? Wasn’t this supposed to be the most fulfilling thing I would do with my life? At the time I had my son, I was writing the thesis that would earn me my graduate degree (in small snippets of time while he slept), and there were many evenings when I slipped thankfully into my research after my son had gone to sleep. The reading, at least, reminded me that I once had a brain and could use it.

Even now, some four years later, I still struggle with feeling fulfilled by motherhood, with feeling reconciled to my choice to forego an academic career to stay home with my children. Some days I feel like that father in the New Testament, who, when asked by the Savior if he had sufficient faith to heal his son, cried, “Lord, I believe! Help thou my unbelief.” I believe in motherhood, but I’m still at that blind belief stage, waiting for the confirmation of my faith.

I had an epiphany one week, sitting in the temple, thinking about the Creation. If creativity is at the root of God’s identity, and we are created in the image of God, shouldn’t creativity be at the root of our identity? And if that is true, then shouldn’t motherhood–our most important calling–also be inherently creative? And I don’t just mean coming up with creative solutions to containing our kids’ clutter (although that is a form of creativity)–I mean the kind of deep creativity that takes the best of our intellectual, spiritual, and emotional, resources. A generative creativity.

This idea–that motherhood could be creative in a meaningful way–was a profoundly hopeful idea for me. I can’t say I’ve mastered it yet, though. It’s hard to always feel socially, spiritually, and intellectually fulfilled as a mother, as a mother of young children, particularly: the demands of structuring our lives around our children’s needs often wreak havoc on our social lives; these same demands make it harder for us to keep up our spiritual goals; and many of us struggle to make motherhood intellectually meaningful.

Elder Uchtdorf’s talk in the October 2008 conference reminds me that creativity doesn’t have to be perfect to bring a sense of fulfillment. So I’m trying a little harder to a) find ways to connect mothering with my particular strengths and b) not expect so much of myself. Since my strengths don’t lie in homemaking (my children both cry when I turn on the vacuum cleaner), instead I’ve started encouraging my son to write down his stories. The other day we pulled out a Babar book with adaptations of famous art works and tried finding the originals in an art book that probably hasn’t been opened since I was an undergraduate.

Is it working? I would be lying if I said I always felt deeply fulfilled. (Is that even possible? Doesn’t the idea of opposition in all things suggest that feeling fulfilled also means feeling unfulfilled on occasion?) But I am starting to notice that in between the random conversations (Will I go bald, Mommy?), sometimes deeper ones emerge (What happens after we die? Why do we feel the Holy Ghost?). And there are moments that give me hope: like today, when, after listening to me pray, my son asked if he could say his own prayer and then asked God simply to help him be a good boy. For now, the hope is enough.

***
What about you? What brings you fulfillment as a mother? How do you harness your creative energies in your mothering?

Comments

39 Responses to “Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it than this?”

Science Teacher Mommy
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:42 am

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. To every point you make.

I try hard not to grumble about the monotony of staying at home. I know there are so many women who don’t have that chance and would love it. I even know that what I’m doing is important. I can’t imagine it being any other way.

But . . .

It can be really hard to forget all those strokes (not to mention regular paychecks) that come from doing a really good job in a professional capacity.

Knowing we are all in this together is enormously helpful.
Shannon
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:50 am

I’m almost tempted to say that only boring people are bored, but that’s unfair. Early motherhood IS often boring. I can’t believe I’m old enough (an old enough mommy: my oldest is 9) to say this, but it does get better. Kids get more interesting, the things they can do and say get more interesting. The struggle to be a good mother gets harder (it’s easy to know and fill all the needs of a newborn), and therefore more interesting.

But the longer I am a mother, the more I know that what I feel, what I fill my life with, is up to me. Imagine a nun in a convent — does she leave her cloistered life because it is boring or unfulfilling?

The other thing I’ve learned is this paradox. The hard thing with an infant (I’m expecting my 4th in Aug) is that suddenly you feel you have no autonomy. You can’t pee/shower/eat/sleep when you want to (esp if you breastfeed, and I don’t mean that derogatorily — breastfeeding is my absolute favorite thing about having a new baby, but it does tie you to the baby).

Becoming a mother is a complete surrendering of self to the baby’s needs. But. When you stay-at-home as your kids get older, you can do whatever you want. You set the schedule, you choose the food/environment/atmosphere/activities. You can read what you want, nap if you want, eat when you want, shower when you want, write what you want, plant what you want. You’re the boss.

And if you’re the boss, who do you blame if your life isn’t what you thought it would be?

(I say that knowing that often I am the one to blame.)
FoxyJ
May 21st, 2010 @ 8:53 am

My oldest is almost seven and I am learning that there are many ways to be creative. Some of my interests mesh well with full-time mothering–like I love to cook and I really love home canning. Sometimes that makes me feel like a cliche.But I also have other interests and I’m trying to fit them in to my life when I can.

This last year I started a project with my kids where we learn about a different country each week. I do research at the library and get informational books, story books, music, etc. We cook some foods from the country, sometimes do crafts, color the flag, etc. My kids love it, and I’ve been surprised to discover that I do to. In my research I’ve found some interesting books for me that I have read (I just finished a history of the LDS church in Ghana).

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that it is possible to find creative outlets, even if they don’t seem like the ‘standard’ ones. All things in life have some motonony and boredom–that’s one of those things I hate about motherhood too. I’ve also been working on being more ‘mindful’ in those moments. Yesterday I took my kids to the park. The baby was asleep in her stroller and I realized I forgot my book. So I spent an hour on a park bench watching the scenery, meditating, and just ‘being’. For a while I was a bit bored, but it was a good mental exercise for me to try and ‘be still’.
How I came to terms with motherhood | Seagull Fountain
May 21st, 2010 @ 9:14 am

[...] I had come to appreciate and enjoy the staying-at-home-ness until I read a Segullah post asking Wasn’t there supposed to be more to it than this? I remember thinking that exact same way, that no matter how fulfilling motherhood was supposed to [...]
Leslie
May 21st, 2010 @ 9:24 am

I am not quite sure if “harness” is the appropriate word here. I look at mothering as a fluid and ever-moving act of growth, perhaps a type of evolution of spirit and soul. We have to remember that every woman has different capacities at different times and seasons. At certain times we might have enlarged capacities to create in the community, in jobs, in academics, and also in church callings, along with exuding creativity within our homes. Rather than feeling like we are harnessing something, we should feel like we are growing and learning to recognize the unfolding sacred moments that each day presents. Whether it is in the laundry, writing poetry, personal scritpure study, helping a teenager with a project, or creating a place of order— every day is a chance to ask Heavenly Father what He would want us to do with the gifts we have been given.

I have never felt the need to harness creativity and talents while raising children. I embrace creativity and anticipate new growth every day, which has made me stretch and grow along with my children. Sometimes the stretch takes a whole ton of faith, but the Lord is always there making up the difference. If you partner with Heavenly Father in your mothering, there is no need to feel bored.
Andi
May 21st, 2010 @ 9:26 am

I appreciated and related to so much in this article. I didn’t have my daughter until after teaching for over 7 years. I loved having her, and I loved her, but I did have moments where I thought, “this is it?”. And then I felt guilty. I missed teaching and I missed the social aspects of working. So, I worked hard to find ways to fulfill those needs while still being the mother I wanted to be. It’s a neverending process, but by the time my daughter was a year, I felt like I had found a better balance. Now 5 years later, I still have my days where I wonder, but overall, I’m much more content with where I am.
Eliana
May 21st, 2010 @ 9:28 am

I think you are absolutely right about harnessing your own creativity and passion and interests to make motherhood work for you individually.
I have moments of being more fulfilled by motherhood than I ever imagined, but that certainly isn’t constant. I have to remind myself that this is a choice I made, to give up (mostly) a career that I was actually good at. Motherhood? I’m not sure that I’m good at it.
But…when we do things that work for me and the kids, when I see how being a mother has made me a better person in a lot of ways, and when I think that I have the right temperament for these particular kids; that is when I think we will all figure this out.
Thanks for the post. I feel guilty about these feelings sometimes, like it is the big secret that this mom thing isn’t the be all to my life, like I think it should be.

elianaosborn.wordpress.com
Emily
May 21st, 2010 @ 9:53 am

Great post and comments. I taught middle school before staying home with my daughter (11 months old today!) so I was used to being busy busy busy and to feeling like I was making a difference (at least that is what I told myself as I drove to work). I am doing some work from home and have found a fun hobby and I am getting better at housework and interacting with my child – who is starting to really figure things out – but it’s hard to watch the world go by without feeling like I’m doing anything in it. It’s really hard for me to make friends and to find people to commiserate with on things like the ever-dirty kitchen and the swath of toys and books Jane leaves behind. My husband is really coaching me into reaching out to others, but sometimes I just really pray that someone will be inspired to seek me out and ask me how I am doing.

I really appreciate all that’s been said today.
Natasha
May 21st, 2010 @ 10:27 am

Shannon, not only would it be unfair to say that, it would be just flat-out wrong, in my opinion. Boring people are satisfied with little conversation, little activity, and little aspirations. They’re my in-laws. I know these things.

There’s still only so much you can do with kids of any age around. My youngest is 4 and I still can’t nap when I want or read when I want. Right now I just want to be alone but these kids keep sticking to me like the peanut butter accident of 2006 and running around on my bed. Sure, it stops when I sternly tell them to stop falling on me but they’re back again in an hour to do the same thing? Why? They want to be with me. Well, I don’t want to be with them right now. And I have to make concessions because they’re kids and I’m a grown-up. I don’t get to be alone when I want. I don’t get to travel when I want. I don’t get to have sex when I want. I don’t get to eat dinner in peace and quiet.

So to say that I’m the boss and that if my life isn’t as I want it that it’s my fault is also unfair and it’s too wide-sweeping. I want to go to school full-time and to do it for a long time. There’s no way I can handle a full course load and child care. I haven’t even figured out child care for my part-time studies. I want to move every few years. Can’t very well do that.

Once you get married and have kids you have to resign yourself to possibly not having the life you’d like to have because it’s not the same life that your loved ones want to have and because the life you’d like to have now may not be what you thought you wanted ten years previous, or even five years previous.

It’s not all or nothing: utter dissatisfaction or free-flying bliss.

I’m just pointing out that for you to say, “And if you’re the boss, who do you blame if your life isn’t what you thought it would be?” is to be trite, generalised, and not as helpful as you think it is. (Slight nod to The Princess Bride *wink*.)

For example, I didn’t know that having kids would be so noisy and so messy because I was an only child. Aside from boredom and feeling tied down, the hardest parts about motherhood are messiness and noisiness and there’s only so much I can do about that.
Natasha
May 21st, 2010 @ 10:29 am

Correction: I meant that I can’t handle even my child care responsibilities and the work of a full course load. But also, I haven’t figured out who will watch Lulu when I’m at school, as my courses won’t all fit neatly into the exact times she’s in kindergarten and I have forty minutes of driving.
Angie f
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:15 pm

I think there are times and seasons when I feel like Shannon and times and seasons when I feel like Natasha. As a general rule (and my kids range in age from 2-11), I think I have both more autonomy and less autonomy than I think I do. Schedules are tied down because of educational choices made for kids (I don’t homeschool), but those were choices made with prayer and thought and research as to the best needs for our family. I am a SAHM though I have been a WOHM and a WAHM. This frees up my schedule in some ways, but can be isolating (although, for me the WAHM time of my life was the most isolating because I needed to be tied to a computer a lot) because DH has a demanding job and is the bishop, leaving me alone with the 5 kids most of the time.

I caught Sister Beck’s talk from BYU Women’s Conference on BYU tv and when my mind wasn’t actively reeling from the knowledge that she was speaking at Women’s Conference 10 days after her father’s death, I found great direction in the idea that when we seek after the essential, important and nice things in the correct order, we will find fulfillment. But ultimately, we always have one choice–how we will act or react to our own personal world. I may not be able to choose whether my 2 year old refuses to nap, but I can choose to react with tired grumpiness or I can try to find a way to get enough sleep and see if there’s a way to return her to the napping place. I can’t choose whether my children will follow me around whining, but I can choose to engage instead of avoid and try to find myself some space somewhere in the day to renew so that I have self with which to engage.

I think ultimately the “more” that is in motherhood mining a deep well within us to create both the self and the family we need and want and to do so in partnership with a loving Father in Heaven who knows who we can be in the first place. And from what I know of mining, while it can be enriching, it can be backbreaking drudgery too.
Angie f
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:17 pm

should be the more that is in motherhood IS mining a deep well. sorry.
mormonhermitmom
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:18 pm

My first child was indeed a shock. I thought I was ready, but after working for so many years, being at home during my maternity leave nearly drove me crazy.

And then I tried the “working mom” bit, and that nearly drove me insane (and nearly off the road driving with exhaustion) so when number 2 came along, I called it quits on the career.

Yes, there was boredom, and the challenge then became, “what interests can I take up that fit into this new life without taking me too far away from the mothering part”?

I’ve finally found a groove. My youngest is a year or so from kindergarten and I’ll probably have to reorder my life again.

I’m still in the blind believing stage too. Fulfillment in mothering? I get it in moments – far enough apart that I appreciate them when they come.
Laurel C.
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:39 pm

I couldn’t agree more!
Anonymous
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:44 pm

As a child I had a less than great mother, and a quite unhappy childhood. I won’t outline what exactly went wrong here, but I have had a great deal of pain in my life. My mothering started very early as I took it upon myself to be the mother for my siblings that my own mother wasn’t.

The main problem my mother had was when being a mom turned out to be not so much fun she checked out – mentally and emotionally – and then blamed her own children and her family for her unhappiness. And she continues to do so, twenty five years later. Being on the receiving end of her attitude taught me the importance of sticking through the yucky stuff. Because of my experience, I think it is easier for me to deal with the monotony that motherhood can sometimes be because I know how much it would hurt my children if I turned sour–if I let my selfishness take over at my children’s expense.

This is not at all meant as a condemnation for anyone who feels bad about being a mother, but rather a great big congratulations for continuing to be a mother even though it’s sometimes not fun. Your kids are so lucky! They may never know how lucky they are, but they are still incredibly lucky. What you are doing is so incredibly important and will stay with your children for the rest of their lives, whether they know to be grateful or not.
Rosalyn
May 21st, 2010 @ 1:51 pm

I really appreciate all the comments–particularly those from mothers who are farther along than I am and who give me hope that as my children grow more complex (and challenging!) some of the intellectual boredom, at least, will become less of a problem.

This issue (fulfillment in motherhood) is obviously one that we all think about and care about. I’m coming to realize, though, that it’s as much about my attitude as anything else. I was thinking about this post last night (knowing that it would get posted this morning) and it occurred to me that I don’t expect my husband to fulfill all my needs (he has absolutely no interest in shopping, for one thing!), so I find ways to reach out to fill those needs that he doesn’t meet. So why should I expect mothering to be any different? I’m realizing that I need to take more responsibility for both appreciating the things motherhood does bring me and finding ways to bring the things that fulfill me into my mothering.

Leslie, I liked your correction to my use of the word “harness”: I think you’re right. Creativity is much more dynamic than that. I recently had a chance to talk with Saren Loosli (one of the driving forces behind the Power of Moms website) who suggested that one of the best things about motherhood is finding ways to grow our own talents and creativity *in connection with* our children (rather than as a separate side-hobby). I loved that idea. I’m still working on ways to implement it, but I have high hopes for it.
Melissa M.
May 21st, 2010 @ 2:12 pm

“When you stay-at-home as your kids get older, you can do whatever you want. You set the schedule, you choose the food/environment/atmosphere/activities. You can read what you want, nap if you want, eat when you want, shower when you want, write what you want, plant what you want. You’re the boss.”

Hmmm. Shannon, I’m guessing you’re talking about when all of your children are in school? Because that’s the only scenario I can envision with your comment. Yes, there’s definitely more freedom during those school hours, but I’ve never felt quite as free as that. I still have a lot to accomplish during the day, and I can’t remember the last time I took a nap! And in many ways I feel busier and more at the mercy of my children’s schedules now than I did when they were little. Do you have teenagers? =)

I’m going to go with Natasha on this one.
jendoop
May 21st, 2010 @ 3:34 pm

Thank you for this post, I wrestle with these issues often, usually daily. Natasha I really appreciate your comments also.

Anon’s words ring true for me as well. This occurs to me often, but most especially last week when my DH didn’t pay one of the utilities and we got a notice threatening shut-off. I freaked out! The inconsistencies of my childhood and the mis-trust they bred came rushing back. I immediately paid it in cash, in person. My mind referred to my childhood, all the times our utilities were shut off and I had to feign nonchalance while telling my friends that I would be without a phone for a while. I realized suddenly that I was giving my children a stable foundation of consistency and trust on which to build their lives. Something that I did not have. So I stopped blaming my husband for not paying the bill and instead felt intensely grateful that we have a stable life where an delinquent bill is an accident, not a way of life.

These issues of parenthood, like paying bills, cleaning out the garage, and potty training, are boring. They are so important too. That’s why it’s Ok to be bored sometimes. Cuddling my two year old and reading Little Bear for the 10th time this week has an element of boring and also layers of meaning and significance. In that moment though the only thing I can think of is why Little Bear talks like an idiot and why can’t they throw in a sub-plot for the parents like Bugs Bunny has those jokes only adults understand?
jendoop
May 21st, 2010 @ 3:39 pm

Thinking about my comment now that I’ve already published it – I realize that being willing to be bored, because parenting is that important, is a type of sacrifice. My temporary boredom is a small sacrifice to be able to play such an important role in the development of a unique eternal being, my child.
mom o' boys
May 21st, 2010 @ 5:37 pm

Very well-written insightful post. I enjoyed reading the comments. I particularly liked the part of your post that talks about “opposition in all things”. Sometimes, I have felt guilty and ashamed that I don’t love every moment of motherhood. But, as human beings, we truly are “walking contradictions”. The same children who bring us joy also may at times inspire anger and resentment. I am finally okay with this duality of emotions. Clearly, our negative feelings and emotions need to be moderated, but I no longer feel bad that I feel them.

I am a mom of almost 13 years, and it is only recently that I have come to embrace my style of housekeeping and parenting and feel okay about it. I tend to be extremely relaxed about housework. If I try to be anything but that, I end up feeling like a caged animal. I thrive as a mom when I spend lots of time reading both by myself and with my kids, playing at the park, going to the zoo, cooking in the kitchen, and playing Uno again and again. I am not a happy woman when I spend much of my day maintaining 3100 square feet of living space. So, I’ve found a somewhat happy state of a home that is not excessively cluttered but is also not extremely orderly. I know I’m rambling, but I just feel like an important part of finding fulfillment as a mother is figuring out a balance of activities that helps you get things done but also allows you to do some things that make you happy. And, I think that balance is very different for every mother. So, go easy on comparing your life or your home to anyone else’s.

One another thought…I try to find small moments throughout the day to do little creative things. I rarely have lots of time all at once, but it does make me happier if I take 5 or 10 minutes to play the piano and 5 or 10 minutes to read my scriptures. Just finding bits and pieces here and there helps so much. Thanks for posting.
handsfullmom
May 21st, 2010 @ 6:49 pm

Well, there is a cure for that boredom, and it’s called, “having lots of kids.” I have eight and it’s been YEARS since I’ve felt bored.

Sometimes I miss the peace and quiet of those early years, when I had more time to develop my talents and read stacks and stacks of books. So, though I know it sounds trite, really try to enjoy the stage you’re at.
Natasha
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:07 pm

jendoop, your comment made my heart twinge. Because I have experienced that feeling many times where a seemingly small thing plunges me back into feelings I experienced in my childhood. There are mini-traumas regularly.

I very much related to Anon’s comment and I wrote an essay-like thing about it that will be posted here sometime this month, hopefully.

I don’t find it much easier, though, to be altogether different from my mom, like Anon does. Since I was a child I always thought it would be so easy to be a mom BECAUSE I knew how important it was to be and do all those good things that my mom wasn’t and didn’t do. I thought it would be easy because I had so much motivation.

What I didn’t count on was feeling any other emotions! I didn’t count on being a full person with other aspects to my personality besides that of Mother, with other concerns, with other needs and wants.

And what I’m finding is that my miserable childhood makes it much harder to be satisfied in my life now because I feel like I already endured what felt like a hundred years of misery, then I was a teen on my own, just trying to finish high school, work to support myself, then I was married and having a baby for many reasons, none of which are that it was the wisest thing to do.

And after ten years of slogging through, 60% of it happily, I definitely feel like my life is not what I want but because of choices I’ve made, only so much of that is under my control.

Mothering is like any other aspect of life where you can’t always get what you want. You’re never really the boss. In a marriage you’re not the boss. In a work place setting where you’re the boss, you’re still not really the boss, not in the sense that you can do whatever you want.

Life, and most situations in it, require that we consider the needs and emotions of others.

Just because I’m wise enough to know that I need to make concessions, just because I want to make a choice because it’s the best choice to make, doesn’t mean I’m completely in love with that choice. It also doesn’t mean that it’s the best choice for ME.

And the thing is, I don’t feel like I have to be happy about everything. Sometimes being unhappy is the only logical response!

I firmly believe that happiness is a choice. I’ve been saying that since I was a teen and thought I knew everything I need to know because I read Victor Frankl and Barry Neil Kauffman.

BUT, what I’m realising now is that it’s also a process. And that disaffected stage only brings more depth, reward, and richness to the eventual happiness we’re able to obtain, whether it’s a five minute process or a ten year process.

And I also think it’s possible to be both unhappy and content at the same time. I have, at times, been quite content with my life because I knew it was as it needed to be, while at the same time been unhappy about some real feelings of loss and emptiness. But I knew it wasn’t time to make any changes, so I didn’t feel desperate. I just felt unhappy about a few things. And overall, content.

This idea that if we just reorganise our lives and prioritise that we’ll feel fulfilled and deeply satisfied is a happy little notion and I’m sure it’s true for some people, like those whose biggest complaints in life are that they feel too busy or burdened by tasks. However, if only my biggest problems in life were that I had too many tasks to do!

Ending emotional rant that may or may not make any sense or have any use to anyone… now.
twolittlehands
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:14 pm

I have enjoyed this essay and all of the great comments. I just have a couple of thoughts.

I feel it is important to find a balance between taking care of ourselves and taking care of our kids. While I agree that mothering is the most noble thing, I have also learned from experience that if I don’t meet my needs, I won’t be able to meet the needs of my sweet children and my husband, for that matter. In fact, if I don’t meet my needs, things can get pretty ugly. I can only speak for myself and I have found that boredom in motherhood equals a need inside of myself not being met. Sure, motherhood isn’t all thrills. Sometimes, it’s downright mechanical…however, when I feel full and nurtured and satisfied with how I have been able to take care of myself, it satiates the motherhood blahs. I can then be a better mother and wife.

Second thought: As my children grow older, it has been absolutely, AMAZING to see the kind of individuals that they are growing into. I love watching their personalities and preferences grow and change. Seeing their independence blossom and watching their lives unfold re-assures me that there is a reason we grow up and that this follows a wise Father’s plan. Sure, my oldest is only in her teens, but if it’s been this much fun to watch her, I can’t wait for what is coming with the others!
mom o' boys
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:15 pm

Thank you, Natasha, for sharing your experiences. I can totally relate.
Tiffany W.
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

I’m probably get flamed at this. But I’m trying to remember a period in the last ten years of my life as a mother that I’ve been bored. I’m really not finding anything, simply because I found more than enough to do. Not everything was enormously fulfilling, but not exactly boring. I had things I hated to do, but found ways to circumvent the hating. For example, I hated dishes, but found that listening to books on tape made the chore seem like an escape from my to-do list.
I am currently thinking about my mothering in terms of being deeply creative. It has added a new element to my life that is wonderful.
Kelly
May 21st, 2010 @ 7:41 pm

I have been thinking about this a lot today. Funny little coincidence, or something else. Today, I sat playing with my young girls, and thinking about a conversation I had with my 7 year old. We were trying to make a plan for the summer which will involve him driving with my sister to our parents house a couple of days before I am able to come out. I knew he’d be ok, without me for a couple of days, but I still, selfishly, wanted just a hint of, “oh mom, I would miss you.” There was none of that, which I am glad for, I love that he is well-adjusted and independent, but it sent me in this spiral if my staying home has really been worth it. I mean if he can just leave for a few days and be totally fine, can’t I just put all my kids in day care and everything will be ok. I know lots of kids whose mothers work and they are normal kids.

But then I thought, what if the Savior also thought, “What’s the point of Me doing the atonement. They’re all just going to sin anyway, and not appreciate it, etc.” And then what if He didn’t make all the incredible sacrifices that He did make for me, even though I do sin, I don’t appreciate all that He did and I certainly lack gratitude.

So with that thought in mind, I decided to not sign my life away in a full time career because it’s not the right decision for ME, though some one else’s decision might be different. Yes, some days are boring and I don’t always enrich my childrens lives as much as I could, but it is my choice, good or bad, worth it or not, I made it!
Sage
May 21st, 2010 @ 10:57 pm

Shannon-loved your comment, but also can see Natasha’s point. I feel so blessed in my life. I’m not the best mother, but as I said in my mother’s day talk, I’m the best they have! I love art and reading and remodeling–so in a lot of ways being a sahm was natural. But it took me quote a while to find myself as a mother and wife.

I have five kids–ages 17 to 1 (both next month). Now is the best time!!! I’ve learned patience with my kids, my husband and myself. And even though I’ve come recently to see my faults as a mother in high def. I still feel content and grateful for my life as a mother.

Attitude does make a huge difference. Enjoy the journey!!!
Natasha
May 22nd, 2010 @ 12:03 am

Ya… Tiffany, that was a totally stupid comment.

Kidding. Completely teasing.

That’s great that you’re not bored. And you’re probably not even intimating that because you’ve found a way to be unbored that everyone else can too. But just in case you were, consider this:

Not everyone would love to be a police officer. Not everyone would love to be a librarian. Or a teacher. Or an academic. Or a writer.

We all have different backgrounds, different abilities and talents, different handicaps, etc.

I know people who just naturally LOVE routine. They dreamed of living in the same city their whole lives with all the people around them. They love to bake and they actually really like cleaning; it’s not monotonous and mind-numbing to them and they’re able to focus on an audiobook without becoming distracted and missing chunks of the book.

I would love to live in a new country every couple of years and meet new people. I am not tied down to any extended family– don’t really have any. I get anxiety over structure and routines. I love a clean house but I have literally been suicidal when I have tried to just keep on top of the constant and repetitive cleaning and cooking– and that IS most of mothering, let’s be honest.

But my point is not about me. It’s just to say that there’s a certain skill set and there are certain personality traits that make it easier to be a stay-at-home mom than not. Not everyone is going to have them. Or, someone might have the personality at first and then change over the years. Or someone may not have them and develop them.

Just because it’s a divine purpose for women to all be moms doesn’t mean that we were given equal abilities to do it well or happily. And Julie Beck can give a million talks about women who know, and women who do, and women who are awesome, and women who are the awesomest, and it won’t change anything. It’s not like keeping the word of wisdom or some other little commandment task to check off: “Become happy mom who spends hours on Sunday finding ways to make her job creative and fun and fulfilling every week! Check!” It’s a ton more complicated. You can’t add changing your personality or your background to a checklist of things to change because you heard a talk about what you SHOULD be like or because someone else you know is the way you want to be, or because it would be convenient for anyone else.

Maybe instead of trying to cram ourselves into a perfect mold of the kind of mom we’re told we should be, we should look for the good in the ways we are naturally, and leverage that, talk it up, use the strengths. I can teach my kids to be open to change. Someone else can set an example of commitment. There’s usually a negative and positive spin you can give to something, right?

And I think it’s perfectly fine for women to not be happy with mothering and they should feel comfortable saying so, so that they can receive comfort and not advice, unless they ask for it. No one likes a constant whiner but it’s good to just be frank and not feel like you have to pretend. It makes it worse, I think.

The thing I agreed with that Shannon said is that things get easier and new ages brings new adventures. I was a wonderful mom to babies and toddlers but I’m having a hard time at this stage, for a medley of reasons, though. But I know I will be a fabulous mom to teenagers.

So, I comfort myself by telling myself that there are stages.

I think moms should try to remember that mothering changes a lot and if you hate a certain stage, that’s okay. It’s not personal. It’s just like not liking a certain sport or activity. But the game will totally change and in the meantime, you just need to find the positive spin.
Kathryn Soper
May 22nd, 2010 @ 1:07 pm

I heart Natasha.

Got a half-written post along these lines that I’m now motivated to finish.
mmiles
May 22nd, 2010 @ 5:16 pm

Natasha
I can so relate. It was natural for me to mother babies and toddlers–and as my oldest now becomes a teenager I’m finding my jive. It’s those in between years that I’m struggling with.
handsfullmom
May 22nd, 2010 @ 9:37 pm

This conversation reminded me of a quote from Elder Faust that I love:

“Do not be deceived in your quest to find happiness and an identity of your own. Entreating voices may tell you that what you have seen your mothers and grandmothers do is old-fashioned, unchallenging, boring, and drudgery. It may have been old-fashioned and perhaps routine; at times it was drudgery. But your mothers and grandmothers have sung a song that expressed the highest love and the noblest of womanly feelings. They have been our nurturers and our teachers. They have sanctified the work, transforming drudgery into the noblest enterprises.

“Homemaking is whatever you make of it. Every day brings satisfaction along with some work which may be frustrating, routine, and unchallenging. But it is the same in the law office, the dispensary, the laboratory, or the store. There is, however, no more important job than homemaking. As C. S. Lewis said, “A housewife’s work … is the one for which all others exist.” ”

The original talk is here: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=6a8d605ff590c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
catherine
May 22nd, 2010 @ 10:02 pm

Just wanted to say thanks, Rosalyn, for starting a great conversation, and thank you to all who commented with such honesty (and beauty, at times). I needed this tonight!
eljee
May 22nd, 2010 @ 10:30 pm

I really like the quote that handsfullmom shared.

When I feel most fulfilled in motherhood, it’s a delicate balance between having opportunities to create outside of motherhood and taking the opportunity to create within it. Neither can be neglected! I think sometimes that when motherhood feels like drudgery, women tend to want to seek answers and fulfillment outside of it. I think that yes, we often need our own “thing” outside of being a mother, but I also know for myself that I feel the deepest happiness when I work to transform myself as a mother.

I’ve actually been thinking a great deal about motherhood and creation since President Uchtdorf gave that talk. I’ve also thought about one of Elder Bednar’s recent talks on prayer where he speaks of the concept of spiritually creating one’s day through morning prayer. Between those two talks, I’ve since been fascinated with this concept of spiritual creation and especially how I can apply it to daily life as as mother. I find the most meaning and joy in motherhood when I really take to heart the idea that I’m literally creating each and every day the life and environment in which my children will live and flourish.

It’s a fine balance, of course, between striving to create something good and beautiful and wonderful within my own home, and being too perfectionistic and getting down on myself for not being the “ultimate” mother, whatever that is. But for me, I do feel happier and more fulfilled when I’m continually working and striving and planning in my parenting. Yes, housework and dishes and whining will always be there. But there’s always some new discipline idea to try, some holiday coming up for which to create a new tradition, a new parenting book to read with new insights to take in, a project to do with one of my children, etc.
Natasha
May 23rd, 2010 @ 10:43 am

I literally laughed when I read the quote from Elder Faust. Particularly this part: “Do not be deceived in your quest to find happiness and an identity of your own.”

Do you know how many quotes from general authorities I can find that pretty much says outright or at least suggests the opposite of this? Want me to? Because I totally can.

Another problem with this quote is that some of our mothers and grandmothers killed themselves. Some of them did bad jobs, spawning a long (or four generational, they say) chain of abuse and neglect in parenting. Some of them abandoned their families. And we can’t know if they did it just because they had a medical condition or just because they were pathetic excuses for mothers and women for no apparent reason other than choice and lack of character, OR if they felt trapped and dissatisfied. Maybe they had big brains and they longed to be doctors and the choice wasn’t even available!

Think about how important free will and choice are to our existence and salvation. Everything hinges upon these twin notions. We came to earth because we believed in these, we craved them. I believe that any time people are put in a position where they feel like they don’t really have a fair choice, that they are going to be dissatisfied, perhaps unless that’s the choice they would have wanted to make in the first place. (And so imagine if we really let LDS women feel like they had complete choice in the matter of staying home with their kids or not. Maybe more women would stay home without complaining because they felt they had chosen it freely, without any compulsion on religion’s part or their husband’s part, or God’s part. Maybe it’s not even the menial tasks that bother us most. Maybe it’s feeling like we never really freely chose it in the first place. For some women I think this is true.)

Imagine that you’re flipping brilliant. Imagine that you’re smarter than your husband and you have a thirst for knowing how things work and for discussion with other like-minded people. But you never have the opportunity to do anything about this because you’re making bread from scratch everyday, darning clothing, scrubbing clothes by hand, washing dishes, caring for animals, schooling children, etc, while your husband is able to be a doctor if he wants, at least theoretically. He can meet with his buddies and discuss religion and science because that’s the realm of men.

You think all women of that generation were singing songs of contentment? Does Elder Faust think that? Well, he’d be wrong. History says so. Just because some women did, doesn’t mean that all women did, which is really not much different than today, then.

Or maybe it’s the case that women then were not very intelligent, that God didn’t let them have superior intellectual gifts so that they would not be tortured by the inability to be able to use them. Maybe it’s just women now who are born this way because we can actually be put to use. In which case, we should be. Because most of us WILL lose what we do not use and the idea that one can go to school and start a profession after the kids are grown is almost without exception unrealistic.

If you’ll note, Faust doesn’t say that the work is not drudgery. He agrees that it is. He just said that it becomes sanctified and noble. Well, sure. Something can be sanctified and noble and still not enjoyable. Yes, every job has miserable portions. The difference is that if a doctor complains about all his paperwork or a prosecutor complains about having to look at photos of porn and dead people (my husband does this), no one expects them to shut up and put up. No one lectures them on how sacred their job is and that they can sing a song. People gush at my husband for all the horror that he has to put up with everyday. Not that he has a whining nature at all but he can detail the daily miseries to people and they LITERALLY call him a “hero”. When I complain about my daily miseries, though, I am an ungrateful inferior who is selfish and immature for wanting anything more.

When women complain about mothering, they’re generally not complaining about teaching children and holding them when they cry and and nursing them when they’re sick. Most of us love this! But when church leaders speak of mothering, they more often speak of these very things– the poetry and art of mothering. So, it’s no wonder women are surprised when they have kids and find out that the majority of mothering is scheduling and cleaning and cooking and enduring.

As well, keep in mind that when the GAs speak to us of mothering, they are speaking from a complete lack of experience and perspective. They have the lack of presence from which they can create their worshipful awe and maybe even envy. I know that my husband has envied me for my ability to feel a baby growing in me and my ability to nurse them and my ability to be a smooth-skinned goddess of all that is Creation, etc. So, when he envies me it’s seen as flattering and an expression of his honouring me but when I envy him it’s seen as sinful, weak, complaining?

Double standard alert!

The narrative from church leaders is changing. Do you remember when President Hinckley commented on the female nurse he had who was also a mom of three and how he thought it was wonderful that she was serving the world in this capacity? He apparently thought that we could still be nurturers and teachers while doing other work than repetitive time-sucking tasks.

It goes to show that some of what the leaders say is just opinion. And it goes to suggest that as technology advances and many of our drudgeries are able to be done by machines or even by less fortunate people who need the work to be able to feed their families, their opinions change, because what is possible for us changes.

Besides, in Faust’s talk he goes on to say that we should develop our talents and become as skillful and as knowledgeable as we can, just not at the exclusionary expense of our primary roles. (So, what if my ability to become knowledgeable is greater than someone else’s? What if — theoretically — I have the capacity to earn two PhDs in the time it would take someone else to earn one? Note that he didn’t say “Become as knowledgeable as the average woman. Only be average, no matter what.” He said become as knowledgeable as you can.) This was really a talk about women not completely leaving their children to the care of of someone else, full-time. It was not a talk telling women that they were not allowed to be dissatisfied and panicked that they’ll never be able to use those skills and talents which he encouraged us to have and develop to the end of our capacity in the first place! He may have suggested that we not be dissatisfied but that was not this talk’s objective. Thank goodness because

“Do not be deceived in your quest to find happiness and an identity of your own.”

on its own is completely offensive.

Sorry. I have a million things to say about this and not sure which to edit out for brevity’s sake and am also new to commenting here so I am not sure if I should consider there to be a quota of comment time per commenter. And in case Rosalyn feels I’m taking away from her post, this is the last comment I’ll make. Great discussion.
Natasha
May 23rd, 2010 @ 10:49 am

Oh, wait. One more point I forgot to make: If a man is dissatisfied with his choice of profession, he can go back to school or change professions. If he doesn’t like his place of employment, he can apply elsewhere. We don’t expect men to pick one job at one location and stay there forever or even for 10 years. If they are unhappy in what they are doing, we don’t point out other people who manage to get by in jobs THEY don’t like and tell them to sing about it, that their jobs as bread-earners is sacred and ennobling.

Man, if that doesn’t illustrate the double standard of how women are spoken to compared to men, I don’t know what does.
mmiles
May 23rd, 2010 @ 12:02 pm

I’m really glad not every woman was satisfied with the drudgery–because if they were, I wouldn’t be able to vote.
Rosalyn
May 23rd, 2010 @ 1:29 pm

Natasha,

I don’t think you hijacked the post at all! I think it was this very sense of frustration with mothering that I was trying to get at (in a more roundabout fashion). I can’t speak for any mothers except for myself, but I do know that for me being a mother of young children is often challenging. And I’m not “bored” in the sense of having nothing to do–I’m bored in the sense that I don’t always find myself growing mentally and spiritually in the ways that I did when I was single (or newly married) and in school. I recognize that some of this is my own fault–and this post was part of me trying to come to grips with what I can do to make motherhood more meaningful for me.

And I am so with you on the double-standard–my husband and I have often talked about this. We both have PhDs (mine in English, his in chemistry), and while my husband is very smart and capable, it’s clear to both of us that in many ways I have more drive. It’s been hard for me to know that if I were to do my profession full time I’d be good at it–I could even be great at it–but at the same time feeling like that is not the right choice right now for me or my family. Eventually that may be the right choice, but for now what I’m trying to do is figure out ways to use the talents that I do have (which are NOT the typical homemaking talents) as a mother to make life richer for me and my kids.
Natasha
May 23rd, 2010 @ 2:02 pm

mmiles, that is exactly what I was thinking.

Rosalyn, I suspected that we were on the same wavelength but still felt squeamish about overstepping boundaries. Since you don’t feel like I’m threadjacking, I’ll continue because I so empathise.

I have tried to write about this in the past and I didn’t try very hard to do it in a roundabout way and it just came off as sounding like, “Ya, but I’m smarter than you and you’re just happy because you’re not as smart, don’t have as many questions, and your little world at home is safe!” Which isn’t really what I meant. But it IS possible that for some people it’s that simple. But you can’t say that online or anywhere because you’ll get flamed and stabbed and shunned and peed upon, as if the intention is to say that being smart is the most important thing ever when it’s so totally not! There are many more qualities that other women have, for whatever reason, that I don’t have, that are more important than being a philosopher.

It’s like it’s okay to brag about anything as long as it’s something the church leaders have encouraged us to be, like full tithe payers, or good homemakers, or non-watchers of R-rated movies, or just nondisgruntled Saints. It’s okay to say, “Well, I’M not bored.” or “Well, *I* have an easy time keeping that commandment because I choose to.” or “If you’re not able to reconcile yourself to your life and find enjoyment in things like gardening and cooking when you’re the boss of your own life, then something is wrong.”

But it’s definitely not okay to suggest that the reason you’re unhappy being at home is because you require more intellectual stimulation than the average person. There’s no safe public place for THAT conversation.

(And that was in no way a dig upon any person in particular. I know, for example, that Shannon is a thinking gal’s gal.)(And she’s the only one I know personally. Sort of. )
Rosalyn
May 23rd, 2010 @ 2:20 pm

Natasha, I hear you. I know lots of women whose talents incline towards mothering and homemaking and who genuinely love what they do. I wish that I was more like that! But not all of us have the same talents (thank goodness) and so some of us struggle more with this than others. That’s not to say, I think, that any of us are necessarily better or worse than others–just that we’re different, which means that our challenges will also be different. This, currently, is one of my challenges, but one I hope to face with more grace than I have at times in the past.

There are several things that give me comfort. First, a chance response by one of my sisters-in-law has had me rereading what the GAs have said about motherhood in the last ten years or so, and the message seems to be subtly different: the emphasis is on being the best person we can be as a woman and a mother, and on making our children our first priority (with less said on how we find that particular balance).

Second, a year or so ago I had for a little while a part-time job that I *loved* and that I felt guided to take. I was only in that position for a year, and I cried when I left. But I gradually felt reassured that God knows me and loves me–more importantly, he wants me to be happy! And if he’s asked me to make mothering my priority for now, then I also need to do a better job of trusting him that he can also make mothering a joyful experience for me. I don’t think God has asked me to abandon my particular talents in order to be a mother–my belief, rather, is that he will open up opportunities for me to expand those talents and to develop others I didn’t know I had. (Of course, this won’t happen all the time or all at once, but I have a firm hope that it will happen. So for now I’m working on having more faith and on trying to find my own ways to make this vision for motherhood happen in my life.)