Comments on: Trying to Cure the Seven Year Itch? Scratch It. Often.

By: Velska

Velska — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:43:17 +0000

Kids can be very comfortable; depends on the parents’ attitude a lot.

But sure, kids are individuals, too, as are parents, so I guess there will never be a one-size-fits-all formula.

I went through a therapy in the mid 1990s, and had amazing discussions with the therapist that helped me open up about things. My problems were not sexual, really, but if relationship doesn’t work, neither does sex. So it ended up helping every way.

BTW, my therapist was an IPA member, and I think it’s totally wrong to declare Freudian ideas dead. Freud had the right ideas about a lot of stuff; he just had to invent a completely new vocabulary that ended up being a little controversial with many people. There are few pure behaviorists around; most realize that of course your childhood experiences are reflected in your later life.

By: Sherry

Sherry — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 06:07:23 +0000

My mom was really open with me about sex, usually to the point of making me uncomfortable. On the up-side, sex has not been an issue in my marriage (of four years, so there’s always room for it to be an issue later, I guess). I think my husband didn’t know a lot about sex when we got married, but because I was really open about it, he was too.

But I have no idea how I will address the topic with my own kids. It is something I have thought about a lot. I want them to feel comfortable about the topic, like I was. But at the same time, I don’t know if kids can every feel really comfortable talking to their parents about sex. Maybe it was just me? (Also, I have no children yet, so I guess I will just think about this later.)

By: Paula

Paula — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 03:51:35 +0000

“Fire warms, fire burns,” really? I believe I was a Mia Maid when the YM/YW in our ward did a musical festuring that song. A blast from the past for sure.

By: Natasha

Natasha — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 01:44:45 +0000

I’m not married and don’t have children, but I do have experiences from when I was young.

Growing up, sex was pretty much a taboo topic in my home. It wasn’t really discussed and I don’t remember having “the talk.” From church I learned that everything related to it was “No”- don’t do it, don’t think about it, pretty much just avoid it all together, which I understand because of the law of chastity, but it wasn’t very helpful as a whole. I often felt that sex was a “natural man” urge/desire and that to have those feelings was a sin. I still somewhat feel that way.

Now, as a young single adult, I have trouble reconciling the topic of sex with being able to over come the “no” that I have heard my whole life (and I’m sure there will be struggles when I am first married). I appreciated this author’s comment: “I didn’t know I would feel a measure of guilt over something that had been a “no” my whole life. A single “yes” wasn’t enough to undo my many and varied hang-ups.”

I plan to be open with my future husband on the topic of sex. From previous comments, that seems to be one of the main ways to resolve this whole thing. Also, from my family studies classes, I know that sex is one of the major causes of arguments between husband and wife. Open communication will help resolve this.

Thank you for this post, Nan. And thank you, Segullah for having posts on this topic, it is very needed in the LDS community.

By: jks

jks — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:55:54 +0000

cont.
When I think about my sex life it is good because it is what we have made it. There have been thousands of interactions between us that have made it what it is. How can I really sum that up in a few sentences to tell someone else what it is like and how to acheive it? It is like my marriage. It is what we have made it. We took what we had and we made little decisions every second of every day and those have all added up to what our marriage is. Every time we’ve been mad or sad or happy or honest or made a mistake or had a tragedy or felt stressed, etc. we have written another part of our marriage that has long term effects. How do you explain it to someone else? Once I was mad and I decided to be quiet about it, that it was the best choice. One time I was mad and I decided to speak up and push the issue. Times I was mad and prayed. Times I was mad and just went to bed and it went away. Times I didn’t want sex and said no. Times I didn’t want sex so I made sure he touched me in ways that I did feel like being touched instead so that I was in the mood for sex. The ways to balance openness and honesty and not overdo the pressure or cause hurt feelings.
Some things just take too long to explain. But if someone really wants to know, there are many people willing to share their experiences, if you want your info from something else besides TV.

By: jks

jks — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:41:56 +0000

Blame Hollywood, not other married couples. I think if you ever listen to happily long married couples you will hear about communication and understanding and making intimacy a priority and taking time for each other and loving each other, that sex is an important part of marriage. No couple that I want to be like has ever said something about jellybeans in a jar.
I think perhaps people don’t hear what they aren’t ready to hear. I can tell my daughter things but she is young and has no frame of reference. How can you tell someone who hasn’t had sex yet about everything you’ve learned in a17 year marriage? And my journey is about me and my husband and it is our own unique journey. Our sex lives are never textbook, they are unique and our own experiences. What happens with one couple doesn’t necessarily translate to another couple.
So I try to be open, but it is just like talking about raising children. You realize that chances are the people you talk to are going to disregard much of what you say because either they aren’t in a place to get what you are getting at. Perhaps they need to figure it out on their own.
I do feel like I have wisdom but there are very few who want to hear it. The young have been taught that they are “it.” So they pick up their knowledge from pop culture and assume that older and wiser people don’t get it. It is their loss.

By: Tess

Tess — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 17:26:06 +0000

In the Marriage and Family Relations class, there is a lesson specifically about teaching your children “moral purity.” It’s Lesson 14. This lesson recommends a booklet called “A Parent’s Guide” that outlines what should be taught to children at specific ages. The book is definitely worth looking at!

I’m not a parent yet, but I feel like the most important thing a parent can do is help their kids feel comfortable enough to come to them with questions and not their friends or the media. I don’t remember a specific time when my mom first talked to me about sex, but I definitely knew that she would answer my questions.

By: Kathryn Soper

Kathryn Soper — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:03:30 +0000

btw, just found out the Wilcox book I mentioned is temporarily available as a free download from DB:

http://deseretbook.com/free

By: FoxyJ

FoxyJ — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:28:16 +0000

I agree with others that greater honesty in marriage makes for a better sex life, even if the honesty is not just about that. I have a hard time being comfortable enough with my vulnerability if the rest of our relationship isn’t going well. We’ve gone through some hard times in our marriage, but it’s often after those difficult talks that sex actually becomes better. Cycles of avoidance can be hard to break though.

I also think that comfort talking with our spouse can help us be more comfortable talking with our kids. I liked Kathy’s thoughts on theory and practice. My parents were are always very open about their affection for each other, to the point that I felt (and still do sometimes) embarassed–but that’s probably just my personality. Our kids are six and three and I’m not sure either knows the mechanics of sex yet. But they do know about conception and what their body parts are named and things like that. When my daughter was only four, we both felt that we should talk to her about keeping her body private–we got a great book about ‘my body is for me’ that emphasized communicating about your personal space and talking about any inappropriate touch that they didn’t like, even hugs from relatives. It turned out that she had two different incidents in the next few months that she talked with us about–neither was horribly abusive, but both were inappropriate and I’m glad we had the language to talk with her about them. Anyways, I think that like others have said we need to talk early and often about all kinds of things related to sexuality as well as work on our own relationship with our spouse (and our spiritual relationship with our Heavenly Father)

By: Jana

Jana — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 02:31:42 +0000

We’ve had books about sex in my kids’ libraries since they were born (picture books early on and then more detailed books with text later). So they’ve always known about sex just like they’ve known about other biological processes like digestion. It never occurred to me to have a big ‘reveal’ on the topic when they hit their teens. That _would_ be terribly awkward.

I say, if it’s uncomfortable for you to talk to your own kids about sex, maybe you should have a close friend who’s more comfortable with the topic do it. I would totally do this for any of my friends who were having a hard time broaching the subject with their teens.