Carried by Faith

Posted by m&m | September 30, 2009 | 17 Comments

marivic

Marivic grew up in the Philippines, where she joined the Church in 1977. She has been married for 24 years, and is grateful to be raising her two wonderful teenagers. She says some describe her as an atypical Mormon woman, as she doesn’t like baking, cooking, sewing, scrapbooking, gardening, or canning. She does enjoy reading, amateur photojournalism, Madame Alexander dolls, and occasional blogging. She also enjoys her work as a revenue manager for a large U.S. hotel chain. You can find Marivic on her blog, Little Grumpy Angel. (Click here to see some of her beautiful photography.)

When I think about the many spiritual experiences that have shaped who I am, several come to mind, such as those I had while serving as a full-time missionary in the Philippines, or while serving in different church callings throughout the years, whether it be as a nursery teacher or as a Stake Young Women President when I was just in my twenties.

However, the experience which defines me the most, which indelibly shaped me and convinced me that Heavenly Father lives, is the experience of losing my firstborn child. I was crushed under the weight of overwhelming sorrow, but I was lifted up so I could rise from its depths and allow faith to set me on the path to healing. This experience is so sacred to me, that I have rarely, if ever shared it, until recently.

Twenty years ago this year, my son who was not yet three passed away during his nap. There was no medical explanation for the devastation I was asked to bear. “Undetermined natural causes” was all the medical examiners could give us as the reason for why my world was turned upside down. Suddenly, what I thought was my strong testimony that helped me as a young woman, a missionary, a young bride, a new mother, could not hold me up against overwhelming grief and pain. I found myself desperately needing to know that the plan of salvation was true, not just because I felt it or that it made sense in my mind, but because I know. I needed to know it just like I know with perfect knowledge that the sky is blue, and that I have five fingers in each hand, and that a flame hurts when it burns my skin. I had to know not in the abstract but with absolute knowledge that there is indeed a resurrection and that I will see my son again. If I could not know that, then I decided I would rather die.

I am not sure how much my mother-in-law knew of my struggle, but she arranged for me and my husband to meet with Elder Richard G. Scott shortly after our son’s funeral. (She was a church office employee back then and was able to do this.) My husband and I went to see Elder Scott and I was determined to get an answer. I did not want an apostle to just bear his testimony to me. I wanted an apostle of Christ to give me a testimony, to tell me how he knew the plan of salvation is true, so I could know it myself. I told Elder Scott exactly how I felt. But of course, and as you already suspected, Elder Scott could not give me a testimony. He shared his testimony, but he could not give me the knowledge and testimony I sought.

However, I will always remember what I walked away with on that day. Elder Scott, whether he knew it or not, gave my spirit peace and solace when he told me that it was okay if all I had was faith and not knowledge. He did not judge me or chastise me. He simply told me to keep believing even when I don’t know. Because believing based on faith will carry me to the end, and in the end I will know.

Twenty years later my heart and my spirit are still broken in many ways, and I am still without perfect knowledge. For this I sometimes believe I am farther behind than most Mormon women in their journey back to Heavenly Father. Nevertheless, I am farther along in that path than I was twenty years ago. I can only measure myself against my own progress and not against others’. Along the way I learned to separate the gospel from the cultural expectations of my religion. More importantly, I know now more than I knew back then that I have a Heavenly Father, and to Him I pray. I believe with a deep abiding faith that someday I will see Christopher again. And so I continue in faith to seek understanding, and knowledge— a Mormon woman in progress.

Category: Up Close
Tags: death > elder richard g scott > faith > grief > mormon women > motherhood > resurrection

Comments

17 Responses to “Carried by Faith”

Selwyn
September 30th, 2009 @ 5:20 pm

Oh.

What can I say after that? Except thank you.

Thank you.

Here’s to being in progress.

THANK YOU.
Laura
September 30th, 2009 @ 5:32 pm

LOVE the honesty. I’m sorry for the loss of your son.
I so admire your courage and determination to carry on and seek further knowledge of the plan.
Fabulous post!
mom in the mountains
September 30th, 2009 @ 5:53 pm

I sometimes wish that we could just learn certain lessons in life without having to experience the heartache or the pain that often precedes the lessons. Mourning a child is one of those. I too lost a child– only it was to a miscarriage. While at times I feel like this loss is looked at as a “lesser” loss by some (since we never “had” the baby, although she had been with us for 15 weeks already), it was (and is) very real and poignant to us, and has given us a much stronger hope and faith of the plan of salvation and a greater appreciation for the ordinances of the temple. And if we have to live on faith and hope for a while, until the knowledge becomes sure, we’ll take it over losing our precious daughter for eternity.

With that being said, I am confident that there are certain lessons that can only be learned through loss and hardships and trials. We also are unable to help support and comfort those around us with true empathy until we’ve experienced the pain and heartache that comes with trials. And we are unable to grow in the unimaginably painful yet necessary ways without the hardships.

While I would rather have our little girl, I am hesitant to say whether I would give up the lessons I learned because of the miscarriage, especially since we know she is our for eternity.
g
September 30th, 2009 @ 6:45 pm

what a beautiful thought, and wonderful post. I’m a life long member of the church, but often feel bad too, just like you–like I’m not as far along as so many that seem to KNOW so strongly. I believe, and I believe with all my heart. But that’s all I can say right now. I think that may be the job of some of us here on earth, to believe, and to make it through. Who knows.
Thanks for your lovely thoughts, and sharing your tender memories and feelings with us.
Jen
September 30th, 2009 @ 6:58 pm

I love this post. It comes home to me again and again why faith is the first principle.

I loved the VT message reference to faith and roots. It seems that some experiences can rip your faith out of the ground and shake the dirt away leaving you gasping on the ground for awhile until something helps the roots reach back down. I’m hopeful to reach the mighty oak stage someday, and I’m glad someone was there to sprinkle dirt on your roots while you were suffering. Thanks for sharing!
watermelanie
September 30th, 2009 @ 8:47 pm

A mormon woman in progress. What more can we aspire to? Thank you!
m&m
September 30th, 2009 @ 11:51 pm

Thank you for sharing a part of your heart and your journey with us. I am so sorry for your loss.

I loved how you brought the concept of being a woman in progress into this essay. When I remember that it’s all a process, and that is the program, I am able to trust in God’s mercy a little more.

Thank you again.
Lucy
October 1st, 2009 @ 3:47 am

What a neat post. Imagine how many people you have helped with these five or six paragraphs. I thank you for my daughter, who lost her first child. She still grieves.
Kay
October 1st, 2009 @ 6:04 am

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. So often I struggle with the not being perfect, not being strong enough, and just forget that it is a daily process. We are all a work in progress. We progress at different rates and in many areas but we are getting there. Thank you again.
Jenny
October 1st, 2009 @ 7:45 am

Your experience has always been one of my greatest fears. I’m so sorry that yours was such an abrupt and unexplained loss. May you continue to seek for your answers, and see progress along the way. A virtual HUG for you.
Christy
October 1st, 2009 @ 9:17 am

Thank you for sharing such a tender story and such a strong testimony.
Tiffany W.
October 1st, 2009 @ 12:41 pm

So well-written and very poignant. I think we are all mormon women in progress. There are times when the faith we have doesn’t seem to measure up to what we must bear. I know that my faith is a work in progress. There was a time when I worried about that, but now, I take one day at a time, content in where I am going.
Janelle
October 1st, 2009 @ 1:49 pm

Marivic, I am so moved by your words and experience. I loved this sentence best.

“faith will carry me to the end, and in the end I will know.”

I was just telling my husband how I needed more faith. Or maybe I need to learn how to exercise my faith better. Or maybe I need to stop trying to have faith in myself when all I really need is faith in God. I don’t know, but that sentence gave me hope that the faith I have may be sufficient.

Thank you.
Karen M.
October 1st, 2009 @ 2:29 pm

I love that sentence, too.

“faith will carry me to the end, and in the end I will know.”

It gives me hope to know that, someday, I will know. That my faith will be replaced with knowledge.
Andrea R.
October 1st, 2009 @ 6:01 pm

Thank you for this beautiful post. It brought me a lot of peace.
Tess H.
October 2nd, 2009 @ 10:03 am

I am not a frequent commenter, but this post really touched me. I’m uplifted by your quest to believe and not give up. So many others give up in the face of hardship, which is so heartbreaking to see happen since it’s that hope in the Savior that will truly heal all wounds. Of course, there’s not a set time or place as to when the healing takes place. You really hit the nail on the head: it’s all about progression. Thank you so very much for your words.
misty
October 3rd, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

“Along the way I learned to separate the gospel from the cultural expectations of my religion.”

Thank you for that. I wish more would do the same.