Open Eyes, Open Heart

Posted by Guest | December 13, 2009 | 19 Comments

Katrina picture 2
Katrina Anderson is the author of today’s UP CLOSE post. She lives in Salt Lake City with her husband, three step-kids, and darling toddler son. Another baby will be joining the family this summer. Katrina grew up in Ohio, attended college at BYU, and had a brief career in television news before marrying the love of her life and moving to North Carolina. Now back in Utah, she is enjoying being closer to family and friends. When not battling pregnancy nausea or chasing kids, Katrina blogs at Musings of a Redhead (http://redheadmusings.blogspot.com) and has a small photography business, Red Bean Photography (www.redbeanphotography.com), to keep her creative juices flowing. She is honored to be sharing her story here on Segullah.
I met my husband when I was 23 years old. I was 6 months out of college, living the busy life of a single girl working at her first real job. He was 28, a divorced father of three and a PhD student. Not at all what I was looking for. We started out as friends and nothing more, but he turned out to be the smartest and most interesting guy I’d ever met. Not to mention being pretty easy on the eyes. He quickly won me over. Over the next several months, I spent time with his children getting to know them. And I spent even more time pondering whether I could handle the complexities of joining his life. I knew that I had to go into the situation with open eyes and a very open heart.

So it was at the age of 24 I became a step-mother. At the time the kids were 7, 5, and 3. They were young and sweet and liked me, but the first summer we had them full time was a hard adjustment. I was suddenly a stay-at-home mom while my husband taught a university class. I went from being the fun friend to a parent out of pure necessity. I did everything every other mother does–cooked, cleaned, wiped bottoms, drew baths, snuggled, prayed, dealt with whining and tantrums, comforted, and loved. But I was not their mother. They have a mother. I didn’t birth them. I didn’t change their diapers. I wasn’t there for all the birthdays. I didn’t know all the songs and stories and favorite foods and memories of their short lives. No matter how many meals I make or messes I clean up or tantrums I weather or hugs I give or get, these children will never truly be mine.

I had moments that summer where I had a hard time believing my own life. I had times during the crying and the whining and the tantrums when I wished my husband didn’t have three kids. Why couldn’t he have had just two? Wouldn’t that be so much easier? Or one? Or none? This is when I got selfish. This is when I cried because I wondered how I’d be able to handle having my own children when I already had three to take care of who aren’t even really mine. This is where I’d get angry at my husband’s ex-wife for being the mother of his kids. For having those three children in just 3 1/2 years even when their marriage was far from good. I’m not proud of these thoughts, but I do think they are a natural reaction to the situation.

Not that I didn’t also have a lot of fun that summer. I got to dance in the grass and play on playgrounds and be silly without looking dumb. I got to make a sea creature birthday cake for a 4-year-old and answer a 7-year-old’s important questions and help a 6-year-old learn to read.

Now more than two and half years later, my life is actually quite normal and boring, if somewhat more complicated than my friends. The kids spend half their time at our house and half their time with their mother who lives just a few blocks away. We have all settled into the routine and make it work. 16 months ago, we welcomed a baby boy into the family. He is loved by all and adores his big sisters and brother. He is the only person in our house that shares everyone’s blood. Not only has he truly made me a mother, but he’s helped make us even more of a family.

Life is not always easy. Is anyone’s? There is still whining and occasional tantrums and snotty remarks typical of school aged children. I still get frustrated sometimes and will admit that I enjoy the quieter days when the older kids are gone. But I love it when they come back home too. I love the fun things we get to do with them. I love the talks we have. I love all the things I’ve learned by being their parent. I am a better person because of these three children. I love my step-children very much, and I feel blessed to be a part of their lives. I know they love me too because they tell me. Even when they drive me crazy, that love doesn’t change. They are my family. When I chose their father, I chose them too.

Have you had to become a mother to someone else’s children? How do you overcome parenting frustrations? What have you learning from being a parent or adjusting to a new life?

Comments

19 Responses to “Open Eyes, Open Heart”

Josi
December 13th, 2009 @ 8:33 am

I married at 18 and three months later found myself the legal guardian (along with my husband) of his 9 year old niece. I can relate to many of your feelings, but have to admit most of them were/are the negative ones. I think the difference for my situation was that she didn’t really have a mother. We both tried to have me take that role, but I was very young, and she had many troubles I didn’t know how to make sense of. If I could go back I’d have looked for resources to help me, rather than assuming that ‘doing the right thing’ would automatically endow a 19 year old with the knowledge she needed. I would also work harder on just loving her, rather than trying to make her better. What I learned about being a parent has both hurt and helped me with my own children. Some times I feel myself terrified of the power they have to hurt me and find myself pulling away, other times I am reminded of just how necessary that foundation of love is for us and I work harder than I think I would otherwise.

I admire your situation, in light of my own, though not the same, I am unsure if I could have handled it; certainly not without so much grace. Best of luck to you.
Miggy
December 13th, 2009 @ 10:08 am

I have to admit that being a child of divorce and having 2 step parents–neither of which seemed to actually like my brother and I when we were little–I find it really hard to sympathize with you. Not because your feelings aren’t worth sympathizing with, but just because of my own background.

Reading your post I can see that it must have been hard for my step mom. She was also very young and I’m sure didn’t exactly dream of marring a divorcee with 2 kids. We didn’t live close to my dad though so we were only there during the summer. Again, I really do think it’s probably more difficult that I can imagine. I mean even now that I’m a mom I LOVE my daughter, but still don’t consider myself a kid person in general. I really don’t like watching other people’s kids and I can imagine that it would be tough if you feel in love with a man who you wanted to marry more than anything…but the kids–well that’s a different learning curve.

What I can’t sympathize with is the fact that my step mom–the ADULT–had a choice and I–the KID–did not. I have to say to this day it frustrates me to hear some of the other adults in the family feel bad for my step mom when 1) they don’t know the full story–she was actually pretty wretched to us and 2) my brother and I were truly the victims of the situation. One of the biggest challenges was that I felt like I had to be 2 different people–because we lived in 2 different houses with 2 different sets of rules and expectations. Of course I didn’t realize this until much later because as a kid you can’t process adult thoughts and situations the same way. Anyway, I’m not saying it’s not tough as a step parent. It is. But I think there’s a right way to be a step parent and a wrong way. I agree with the comment above on trying to love them more and change them less. I never felt bonded to my step mom–we have a better relationship now but it’s taken 20+ years. I know this isn’t really what you were looking for comment wise, but I just had to speak up for the step-kids of the world.
sar
December 13th, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

I feel bad for step-parents because they can never talk about their experience the way a “regular” parent can, for the reasons Miggy articulated. It’s all too easy to demonize step-parents, falling into the trope of the “evil stepmother,” which, frankly, I think we’ve discussed enough about on this blog lately without enough of the other side. I admire the writer’s courage to enter that situation and also to share her story here.
al
December 13th, 2009 @ 1:10 pm

I have been the step-child (a few times, as I’ve commented about recently).
Thank you for this post and sharing the perspective of the step-parent.
Still Hoping
December 13th, 2009 @ 2:34 pm

My grandma is my mother’s step-mom. She married a man with 6 kids, followed by four she had with my grandpa. Now, she has her problems and is rather odd, and she was truly horrendous to my mom and her siblings. My mom and aunt basically raised her four kids and dealt with various abuses she dealt out. But I just want to say that you will never be so patient with another person’s children as you are your own. I’ll qualify that statement by saying that that’s mostly true even if we don’t feel like it’s true. My grandma’s treatment of the 6 vs the 4 is very different, and while that isn’t right or fair they got used to it. Combined families are hard, but it can work as long as the family works together to make it work, ensuring that every child belongs and is wanted.
Tiffany W.
December 13th, 2009 @ 2:47 pm

My mother married my fatherwhen she was 20. He was 27, a widower for two years with three young children. I think it was the hardest thing she has ever done. What I admire about her best, is that she combined our family. I don’t have three older stepsisters. I have three older sisters. Granted, I think it was easier to do this because my sisters’ mother was gone. It is so easy to villainize the stepmother. But I don’t think that is fair in many cases.
My BIL is divorced and remarried two years ago. He has three children from his previous marriage. I admire his wife for having the courage to step and really be a good mother to her step-children. It isn’t easy, but she is doing a great job.
sar
December 13th, 2009 @ 3:12 pm

I forgot to add that I think it’s interesting this time of year to reflect on the Holy Family and in this instance to think about Joseph’s role as a kind of step-parent.
Mel
December 13th, 2009 @ 8:32 pm

My family has always “adopted” others as part of our own so the thought of loving and raising “step” children isn’t as scary to me as it probably should be. What advice would you give to anyone who is planning on becoming a step parent?
Jill Shelley
December 13th, 2009 @ 9:48 pm

Good point, life is not always easy for anyone. That is why I was quite upset when one of my sons was dating a woman with 5 children. I kept thinking…’life is hard enough as it is..there are enough stresses in everyday life without starting marriage with FIVE CHILDREN.’ I prayed and prayed that he would come to his senses and see the light before he made a mistake. I told him things like, “Your first child will be raised as the baby of a large family.” and “Do you have any idea what it costs to feed 5 children?” And “If you marry her, and anything happens to her you will not have any claim on these children because they will never really be yours.”

One day my sister said to me, “Just as you are praying that your son will not marry her, others are praying for these 5 innocent children.” It was from that moment I changed my attitude.

My son did marry her nearly 5 years ago and they really are so happy. His wife is an absolute doll and I dearly love her. I am learning so much from her as she is very Christlike. 8 months ago they had twins, which has just united this little family all the more.

I’ve learned that blessings in our lives don’t always look like blessings at first. Sometimes the Lord has wonderful surprises for us. I know step families can be very challenging. I’ve seen many fail. But some do work.
jendoop
December 13th, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

Thank you for honestly sharing your perspective. It is hard to admit when we don’t have the perfect attitude about something. You doing so helped me to feel more compassionately about your situation because I learned what kind of hardships you have. Otherwise I might remain ignorantly insensitive.

This is one of the reasons I enjoy Segullah.
Annon
December 14th, 2009 @ 10:23 am

I am posting annon because my mother might read this. I wanted to just thank you for a willingness to take on these children who need love and stability in their lives. I am a step-child, and though my step-mother came around when I was a teenager, she has been an incredible blessing in my life. While I of course do not know your family, I can appreciate the sacrifices you had to make in order to create a family.
angela michelle
December 15th, 2009 @ 12:32 pm

i’m the mother–the real, permanent, sealed mother–of a daughter born to another woman, who eventually relinquished her parental rights because the state was about to take them away. (which is a complicated way of saying I adopted our foster daughter.) so i’m trying to love a wonderful, sweet, beautiful girl who had a terrible beginning to life, who doesn’t really understand how to give or receive love, who doesn’t really believe i’ll be here every day to do things like feed her. it is harder. for me, loving a baby i gave birth to (i have 4 of those) is so simple and easy. this kind of love is a bit harder, but not less real.
Katrina
December 15th, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

I’ve enjoyed all the comments so far. This is a topic that brings up a lot of emotion. There is so much more I could say about the many aspects of being a second wife and step-mother, but that could fill a book. I mostly wanted to show the perspective of a young LDS woman who is living a life that is in many ways different than what I expected. When I was first married, I ached to talk to anyone who was in a similar situation but didn’t know anyone. I hope that this article may serve as a bit of insight and also comfort to anyone else out there in a similar situation.

I know that step-parents are often seen as the villains, and I hope that I’ve shown that it doesn’t have to be that way. I’m certainly not perfect by any means, but I truly do care about my step-children, want them to be happy, and have done my best to make our family feel whole. We never stress the fact that my son is “only” their half-brother. He is their brother.

I can’t lie and say that my feelings for my step kids are identical to my feelings for my son. They aren’t and never will be. The bond is just different. As I said in my post, they already have a mother and so they don’t feel about me the same way either. But that doesn’t make our relationship unimportant. We still love each other. I am still their parent and the mother in our house. They respect me in that role. I have yet to hear “You aren’t my mom, you can’t tell me what to do.” I’m still waiting.

My advice to someone who will be a step-parent is to really go into the situation with your eyes open. Realize that this is your choice and then make the best of it. Don’t ignore the children. In a way you are marrying them to. Most importantly, love them! Children long for love, especially children whose parents are divorced. Try to be a stable figure in their lives. Be your best. You will make mistakes, but if you truly love them and tell them and show them, those mistakes will hopefully be forgiven and forgotten.

Divorce is hardest on the children. No matter how amicable it is still not the natural state of being. Being a step-parent isn’t a natural role either. If the world were perfect all children would be born to parents who love each other and stay together. Unfortunately, that’s not how things are. We have truly tried to make the best of our situation. Our children have parents who love them and are doing their best. I think we are all very blessed.
annon
December 15th, 2009 @ 3:29 pm

I come from a combined family with 2 blood siblings, 2 step sisters, and 2 half brothers. They are all my brothers and sisters. Period. I think stressing the “step” or “half” only creates a gap between the relaitonships. And my step dad, who truly is my dad, is the best. I feel like he loves me as much, sometimes even more than his own from his first marriage. I don’t think I ever had to question his love for me, and mine for him. He raised me for half of my life, and loved me, and gave me boundaries and rules, and everything a daughter needs.
I have no doubt that being a step-parent is hard. I don’t think I could do it. But I know it’s 100% possible to have a fantastic relationship with your step children, and to make them feel as loved as your very own.
Good job… for taking on what so many others probably couldn’t do!
Sage
December 16th, 2009 @ 6:24 am

My FIL wanted to love his step child so much (my mil was pregnant by her first husband when they married) that they never told their kids about the first marriage or the real father. We only found out recently upon my FIL’s passing. Unfortunately for my brother-in-law his birth father died a year ago. So at age 46 he just found out why he wasn’t as much like his “dad” as his two other “brothers”.
Sage
December 16th, 2009 @ 6:25 am

My FIL wanted to love his step child so much (my mil was pregnant by her first husband when they married) that they never told their kids about the first marriage or the real father. We only found out recently upon my FIL’s passing. Unfortunately for my brother-in-law, his birth father died a year ago. So at age 46 he just found out why he wasn’t as much like his “dad” as his two other “brothers”.
trina berg
December 17th, 2009 @ 9:33 pm

Soo proud of you girl! This is a beautiful post. You have an incredible talent for helping others to have that open heart and eyes. One of the reasons you’re such a great photographer! I luv you, thx for sharing! luv, trina
discovery – segullah post by katrina « the daily delights
December 17th, 2009 @ 9:42 pm

[...] post about becoming a step-mom of three and a mother of two in a few short years? Here is a fabulous article my friend Katrina (Musings of a Redhead) posted at [...]
jks
December 20th, 2009 @ 6:43 pm

Love is a choice. It may be easier to choose when a baby comes from our womb, or when someone is exclusively ours. I truly believe that with a lot of effort, step-parents can come to truly love their step-children. It takes daily effort and is a continual choice. Some are willing to make the effort, some people aren’t or find it too difficult. I believe, however, that it is an effort that is worth it.
I applaud all step-parents who step up and choose to love every day. Kids deserve that.