Paths of Agency

Posted by Guest | September 18, 2009 | 38 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from Natalie H. There’s one word that best describes me: novice. A novice at being a wife and mother. A novice at writing. A novice at the world of blogging. And, most of all, a novice at life (still). Luckily, I love learning and maybe… just maybe… someday I’ll elevate my status to “expert” in one of those areas. By day, I work as a technical writer and editor, piously correcting grammar, sentence structure, and formatting. By night, I’m ready to ditch the play-by-the-rules editor side of me and instead give voice to that pent-up wannabe creative writer. I love writing (specifically blogging), reading, photography, my knight in shining armor, and our one crazy, adorable offspring of a daughter.

It was a night in early March. My husband of just seven months and I were at an institute dance, acting like silly newlyweds and having a carefree time. Amidst the loud music, dim lights, and cheap decorations, my husband held out my cell phone to me. “It looks like your mom is calling you.”

On a Friday night? At 10:30?

Instantly my stomach clenched. My parents never call after 9:30.

In the quiet of the Institute hallway, my mom’s worried voice came through the phone. “We can’t find your brother. He sluffed school this afternoon, came home and got his snowboard, and we haven’t seen him since. We’re worried about him and I thought you should know.”

The rest of the night was a back-and-forth battle in my mind. He was probably just being a typical inconsiderate 17-year old and didn’t call. He somehow got stuck somewhere while he was snowboarding and didn’t have a phone. All reasonable excuses, but somehow in my heart of hearts I knew something was wrong.

The safe, naive world I had known until then came crashing down early the next morning with another phone call from my mother, this time in inconsolable tears. “We’re at the hospital. They found Jake* last night… he tried to overdose on pills. He’s really sick, but he survived.”

My little brother tried to commit suicide.

Amidst the million agonizing questions and thoughts that ran through my mind that day, one in particular stood out.

How could this happen?

How could a smart, comical kid, raised in a typical, run-of-the-mill loving family get to the hopeless point of thinking he had no other way out? Why did the ugly beast of depression decide to choose him, and affect him in just this way?

Now, four years later, he has nothing to do with the Church. The same depression that prompted him to make an attempt on his own life has completely blanketed his perception of his own eternal worth, and he has chosen to give in to that darkness and turn against the teachings of the church and down a road I can hardly fathom. I look at him and remember the horror of that terrible day and I have a difficult time understanding how my little brother, who was raised in the same home as me with the same, loving parents could consciously choose to toss aside every precious truth he had ever been taught, even after almost losing his life. Especially when I, on the flip side, have such a strong assurance of my Savior’s love that it’s almost overwhelming.

It wasn’t long before I started becoming more aware of the blame that’s often unconsciously placed on the parents in this kind of situation. And not just my parents – any parents of kids who have “gone astray.” Nothing makes me want to haul out and punch someone more (as un-Christlike as that may be). My parents were far from perfect, but they taught us the Gospel and, most importantly, they loved us with everything they had. As a mother myself, I now realize how important that was to me… and I wonder why it wasn’t enough for my brother.

Today, I find myself staring at my beautiful, pure, innocent one-year old baby, and the questions still haunt me. Is there anything I can do to keep her from going down a similar path as my brother? Are there any guarantees that she will grow up to have the same sure knowledge I do that Jesus Christ loves us and that this is His church? Sometimes it feels so hopeless and I worry that one mistake, one forgotten family prayer, one missed opportunity to teach her about Christ, is going to send her down the wrong path.
Agency can be such a frustrating thing. I know the answers to my questions, even though they still keep turning frantic circles in my head. Agency is the beautiful, divine center of Heavenly Father’s plan. Even if my parents had been perfect, even if Jake hadn’t been affected by depression, he still could very well have chosen the same path. And even if I were to be the world’s most perfect parent, my daughter is still an intelligent, thoughtful human being who will choose whether or not to believe the things I hope to teach her. And as much as I hate that fact and want to shove it into the dark corner of denial, I know that the decision is ultimately hers and all I can do is teach… and pray.

*name has been changed

Comments

38 Responses to “Paths of Agency”

Camille
September 18th, 2009 @ 8:14 am

From this article I wasn’t sure if your brother suffers from clinical depression, but I’ll share my personal experience with clinical depression. My husband lives with this depression and suffers from anxiety, it also runs in my family, affecting my dad and brother. My spouse has talked about suicide before and has overdosed on pills too. What I have learned from people suffering depression by talking to my husband and another friend, sometimes the chemical imbalance in the brain makes it hard for someone to feel the spirit. Once they add prescription meds to make them feel normal, the pills dulls the senses, again making it harder for the person to feel the spirit. Depression affects so many people differently. I don’t enough about your brother to know if this is what he is suffering from. It’s hard enough these days to hold on to the iron rod when you have all your senses, but add a chemical imbalance on top of that and it sure makes things a lot harder. Depression is a difficult disease to deal with, because it’s not a perceptible problem. It’s easy to give compassion to one who you can clearly see is suffering from an outward disease, than someone who seems normal from the outside.
(again I don’t know if this is your brothers issue, but I’ve been surrounded by this disease all my life, affecting the ones I love so much. Please don’t judge your brother by the choices he has made, but by the knowledge that he is still a loved son of God.)
Camille
September 18th, 2009 @ 8:24 am

A while ago I was in correspondence with GG Vandagriff who has written a book regarding her personal struggle with depression. We were sharing stories about depression and she wrote this to me “Depression is especially pernicious because you can’t feel the Spirit,
but Satan works on you overtime, trying to destroy you. It takes more strength than you can possibly imagine to live the gospel, so don’t be too hard on your husband. Just do all you can to use the atonement in your own life. That is the best thing you can do to help him.”

(sorry for my rantings, it’s so personal to me.)
Karen
September 18th, 2009 @ 9:10 am

Regarding the unconscious blame on the parents of a child who struggles in some way. I think this is just people asking the same question you are asking yourself. “Is there anything I can do to keep my child from going down the same path?” I think that we unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) want to find something that was done wrong, something that is the reason for the problem. Something that we can do differently with our own children. It is not right, but I think it is human. I think that having someone close to us struggle opens our eyes to this, and we understand agency a bit better.

I’m sorry for your brothers pain. And for your family’s pain also.
Nancy R.
September 18th, 2009 @ 9:31 am

People with strong testimonies of the gospel also suffer from depression and commit suicide. Its just that in that crucial moment of despair, they can’t see past their own pain.
Sarah
September 18th, 2009 @ 9:50 am

In a recent conference there was a talk stating “all paths lead to God”. All of them. Not just the typical Mormon path but all. Everyone has a different path that they need to take. Yes, depression is a real thing. I suffer from it as well. But there is truth all around us not just in the Mormon culture. We don’t have the only entitlement to God’s love and God’s plan. Your brother is doing what he feels is right and true for him for right now. And it is right, right now.
As parents, we teach those things we were also taught. They may be right for some of our kids; other kids may choose another path. But all paths lead to God.
Blue
September 18th, 2009 @ 9:55 am

Camille’s comment (#2) is so key to this issue. While we have that light of Christ no matter who we are, having it and FEELING it are two separate matters.

I think depression is one of the biggest challenges in our modern world. Some people suffer from Dysthymia, (As dysthymia is a chronic disorder, a person may often experience symptoms for many years before it is diagnosed, if diagnosis occurs at all. As a result, they tend to believe that depression is a part of his or her character. This, subsequently, may lead sufferers to not even discuss their symptoms with doctors, family members or friends.) So they think “this is just how life is, how I am.”

only Heavenly Father knows the state of our minds, and what factors contribute to our actions. this is why withholding judgement is SO important. and why i can’t believe that suicide is the damnation-sentence that so many seem to believe it is. we have no idea what they were going through in the final hours.

i am sorry for the pain your brother is in. and for the impact on your family. it’s a trial that you’d probably rather trade for a different trial that seems easier.

I know I would.
♥
Nancy R.
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:03 am

I just went to lds.org and looked up “all paths lead to God.” I couldn’t find this statement anywhere. In fact, the first item from the search query was a talk by Robert D. Hales from the May 2006 General conference. In his talk, he asks the question “are we following on the strait and narrow path that leads to God and eternal life?” This seems to be quite different from Sarah’s assertion that “all paths lead to God.”
Christy
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:07 am

Thanks for sharing, Natalie. I know that it is hard, and you often worry for your brother. Just pray for him, love him, and add his name to the Temple prayer roll when you go. I agree with Blue in that Heavenly Father knows our hearts and minds, and He will be a righteous judge and the Savior is our advocate (everyone’s advocate).

As far as motherhood, the best you can do is, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is OLD, he will not depart from it.” Never give up hope, even for wayward children.
Kathryn P.
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:10 am

I could relate to this post for many reasons. There is the biological depression problem on both sides of my family. I would agree with the comment quote: “Depression is especially pernicious because you can’t feel the Spirit,but Satan works on you overtime, trying to destroy you” because my depression symptoms started when I was a little girl and by the time I graduated from BYU the depression had gotten worse and it had also completely blanketed my perception of my own eternal worth and I went down a bad path for a couple years. I still knew there was a God and I still knew the church was true, but I felt so worthless that I didn’t care. I did not come from a kind and loving home. Satan did not have to work very hard, because our family communication patterns helped everyone feel worthless.

Camille’s statement that anti-depressants dull the senses was not true in my experience. It wasn’t until I was in the midst of a traumatic divorce with three little kids, that Heavenly Father sent several mortal angels to say, “You are in a clinical depression. Your children need you to get professional help. You don’t have to live with this horrible burden anymore…” The psychiatrist I went to gave me a prescription for Prozac which just helped my brain to work correctly and I finally could feel the Spirit without any interference from the gloom of depression. Ten years later I was blessed with a spiritually gifted LDS psychologist who also helped me recover from the self-worth issues that had continued to plague me.

Keep praying for your brother. Even in the midst of my darkest moments I could feel that people I loved were putting my name on the prayer roll in the temple. I returned to the gospel light because of miraculous intervention. Don’t give up hope…
CatherineWO
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:27 am

We went through a similar experience with a family member ten years ago. Often, a person with mental illness is not capable of “choosing” his/her path. It is chosen for them.

I highly recommend the book _Valley of Sorrow_ by Elder Alexander B. Morrison. It will give anyone in this circumstance knowledge, understanding and comfort.

As a mother of four adult children, I can tell you that there are no guarantees with parenting. We take what comes and do the best we can. The only universal salve for disappointment is love.
Leila
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:55 am

I’m not sure what “path” your brother has gone down, but I would add that inactivity in the church (or a disbelief in its teachings) and depression are not (necessarily) inconsistent with Heavenly Father’s plan for your brother. In struggling with depression, your brother almost certainly has not felt the peaceful assurance of his Savior’s love, like you have. While agency is a real principle, your brother’s reality is very different from yours. He exercises his agency in through different thoughts and feelings than do you. I have a brother who struggles with depression as well and I have felt much of what you express. Thanks for sharing this with us, and for this thought-provoking post.
Amy
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:15 am

I just wanted to echo what Camille says above. Both my friend and I have suffered from extreme depression and we have definitely talked about how hard it is to feel the spirit when you have depression –you just don’t feel comforted, assured that you are loved, or directed. The depression is so overwhelming it’s hard to feel anything other than misery. Of course, it is also hard to think clearly at all. I definitely did many stupid things that now that I am thinking clearly I would never dream of doing. I think it may be comforting to recognize that many of people’s mistakes when they are depressed come from the fact that they are not in full control of their mind. I don’t know if this is your brother’s case, but it is comforting to know when you ask yourself why people with depression sometimes act the way they do.
Amy
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:19 am

There was a question above about medications–medications are what turned my life around and now allow me to lead a fairly normal life and to be happy.
Camille
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:36 am

I want to retract what I said that anti-depressants dull the senses spiritually, because my spouse has felt the spirit, including when he was on medication. He’s been sort of a guinea pig concerning anti-depressants. Upping the dose on some, switching him to other types, I’ve seen a range of emotions everytime they switch.. it’s just finding the correct drug or combination of drugs that will help him the most.
Natalie H.
September 18th, 2009 @ 12:32 pm

Thanks everyone for the comments so far. I appreciate those who have gently reminded me (and everyone else in my situation) not to judge those who may be struggling with depression. I haven’t been completely exempt from the depression that runs in my family, but I’ve been lucky to not have to deal with it to the large degree that my brother does. I completely agree that I have no idea what his thought patterns may be and that it might be hard for him to feel any hope in his situation. I sincerely hope it didn’t come across as me passing judgment on my brother. I love him, I hurt for him, and I KNOW he has it harder than me. Much harder.

The point I was trying to make is that while he does suffer from depression, he has also been blessed with the God-given gift of agency, just like everyone else who has walked this earth. Yes, I realize that his agency is seriously dampened and distorted by depression – as many of you have pointed out. But he DOES have the ability to make choices just like the rest of us. It has been really interesting to realize that every one of us has choices to make, even if they are made through the filter of a mental illness.

The whole experience with my brother has really opened my eyes as a mother. He has made me realize that I can’t always control or understand another’s choices. My daughter may not deal with depression (oh, I hope not!), but there may be other factors in her life outside of what I teach her that influence her decisions negatively. It’s been a hard pill to swallow, but I’m slowly coming to understand that there’s only so much I can do.

There. Now that I’ve just written a SECOND article… I hope this makes sense and clarifies things a little bit. And I hope you’ll continue to let me know your opinions and thoughts about this subject.
FoxyJ
September 18th, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

My younger brother struggled with a lot of problems with years. Finally he was diagnosed with bipolar illness a few years ago and has received a lot of help with it. When he was in high school he was very rebellious and my parents felt prompted to stop requiring him to attend church and other activities. They struggled with this and some people were judgemental of their choice. But ten years later he loves my parents, comes to family activites, keeps in touch with us, etc. On his own he has stopped using drugs and tobacco and he has a good job. He is still not active in the church, but we all feel that forcing him at that time would have not only driven him away from the church but from our family as well. While he doesn’t agree with everything we do, he is open to listen to us and to my parents. I have thought about many of these same issues, as mental illness runs in my family and as siblings have made choices that my parents don’t always agree with or like. As parents we must listen to the Spirit and follow it as much as we can. And we should always be there for our children, no matter what path they take. I’ve also realized that assuming I have full responsibility for my children actually paralyzes me and causes me to make bad decisions in my parenting. It makes me feel fear, and I don’t want to parent out of fear. So I’m praying for more love and more understanding of what each of my children really needs to help them grow up well.
CatherineWO
September 18th, 2009 @ 1:30 pm

FoxyJ, you have said it all so very well.
anonymous this time
September 18th, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

Camille, I did see your retraction but I would like to speak a tiny bit to the idea psychiatric medicines can dull perception of the Spirit.

I have a brother and a good friend that both suffer from bipolar disorder. They both say that medication helped to keep them in the functional middle, but at the same time as doing this, they experienced a dulling of their minds and emotions, to unbearable degree at times.

My friend spent several painful years (for him and his family) going on and off medication until he found something that he could tolerate that the blessings outweighed the curse of it. Finding a medication and dosage that didn’t take all the joy away, at the same time kept his mind and emotions in bounds was a huge immeasurable blessing.

My brother came home from his mission after experiencing his first acute bipolar episode in the mission field (we nor he knew he had bipolar disorder before this time). He received psychiatric as well as psychological care and was able to return to the mission field and complete his mission. He was doing very well. So well that his mission president who did not believe in the heavy use of psyceatric medicines told him that he didn’t think that he needed to be medicated. Essentially he didn’t think his bipolar was “bad enough” to warrant medication. At that point it may not have been. Now more than a decade later this is still true most of the time, most of the time he does not need medication. Sometimes though the stress of family, ward, work, and civic duties overwhelm his system and I think carefully and correctly administered medication could be a blessing to him and his family.

Unfortunately he is adverse to the idea of any medication or psycatirc care at this point in his life, and it all traces back to that conversation with the mission president. I think probably he was too heavily medicated as he finished him mission and its dulling affects were so strong that it was probably a relief to stop their use. I wasn’t there when the advice was given so I can not objectively judge but the fact that the mission president would give mental health advice still gets in my craw.

Disorders that affect the brain can wreak all kinds of havoc and affect perceptions and emotions in ways we can’t understand. Though I have not experienced these particular afflictions I have seen myriad of affects in the lives of many people I care deeply for, not just my brother and friend. Three of them did take their own lives. I believe the Lord knew and knows them and their complicated and painful situations and welcomed them mercifully home.

In the case of depression I think that most of the time antidepressants do help the clouds to part and help those affected perceive the Spirit and the Love of God more fully. What a blessing that we live in a time that doctors can provide that kind relief.
anonymous this time
September 18th, 2009 @ 2:11 pm

“psychiatric not psyceatric” in my fourth paragraph or I might have invented a new word. You can choose.
Aimee
September 18th, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

There is a point when the darkness so overwhelms you that you truly believe, no matter how strong your faith in God may be, that he cannot possibly love you. The chains of the adversary become so tightly wrapped around your heart that the swelling motions of the spirit cause pain more than anything else. There is little you can do to breathe, to think, to feel. Life simply exists as grey haze that fluctuates before your eyes. It is at this point that the only thing that can save you is the atonement of Jesus Christ. It has been nearly ten years since I was in the abyss. Not a day goes by that I do not fight to keep my head above those dark waters. Pray for your brother – he may be in a much darker place than you can possibly imagine.
Mom in the Mountains
September 18th, 2009 @ 2:48 pm

I also come from a family with a strong history of depression and disfunction, from both sides. Growing up with two at-times-severely-depressed parents in a disfunctional home (so my sister and my dad have been told by psychiatrists, and I believe them) was great fun. And I have two siblings– both of whom suffer from depression worse than the other three of us kids– who have left the church and are struggling in their own ways. I seemed to have escaped the firm grasp of dipression for the most part, but even the taste I got of it during a difficult pregnancy was bad enough for me. It’s difficult to see them make their wayward choices, especially since I have seen the blessings the Gospel has brought into my life. While I know that they will be held accountable for their mistakes (as we all are), I also have faith in a omnipotent God who has perfect judgement, who will be able to weigh ALL of the mitigating circumstances behind their waywardness. It’s my only hope– for me, even. After all, not everybody makes the same decisions when placed in similar situations, and the same choice isn’t necessarily correct for each individual.

I can’t help but think of Alma the Younger, the sons of Mosiah, Paul, Zeezrom, Mary Magdalene, and other apostates who were eventually touched by the hands of God and whose lives (and millions of lives around them) were changed because of the Gospel. We know that Mary Magdalene had a “mental illness”, or demons, and there are so many others. I can only assume that mental illneses have existed for as long as we have been here on the earth. I often imagine that there must be some sort of provision in the “contracts” we signed before we came to this earth, outlining some of the challenges we will be given, knowing but not fully comprehending what those challenges meant, having faith that everything will work out as it’s suppsoed to in the end.

Somewhere, sometime in the eternities, I have hope that they will remember, as did Enos, the truths that were taught by our parents, flawed though my parents are. After all, we all have our flaws. But they did teach us the gospel as well as they knew how. And while my siblings may have to suffer a little more for their “willful” disobedience to God’s commandments, there is Mercy when there is Repentance.

I just have to believe that God is understanding enough to be able to show compassion for our choices where compassion is due…
m&m
September 18th, 2009 @ 2:51 pm

I was talking to a friend the other day and she reminded me of something I think is true. For all that agency is real — and it is! — we each can have layers that can sometimes hinder our ability to see things as they really are. It’s a reason we can’t judge others — because we really don’t know how much they know and see. It’s not just mental illness, but even patterns of thought and behavior that are embedded in our family and other culture, thoughts and behaviors we developed before we were even accountable, past traumatic experiences…and just the fall and veil themselves leave us all w/o some of the light.

That said, I’d be interested to see if there really is a quote that says ‘all paths lead to God.’ All paths CAN lead back to Him if eventually a person repents and accepts the Atonement. But God will force no person to heaven, and so I don’t think ‘all paths lead to God’ is fully accurate in our doctrine. We will all still be judged based on what we did with what we knew. But not all paths, not all choices, will eternally lead back to exaltation. We’ll eventually get what we desired and not all people will desire to go back to God.

We certainly must leave room for the possibility that someone straying from the Church can still come to find God again, though. I hope and pray your brother will. It must be so difficult for all of you, and I can only imagine the darkness in his life, too.

But maybe, maybe, his experiences with the darkness will help him want to eventually come Home. Pray that he will, as the prodigal, come to himself.
Claudia
September 18th, 2009 @ 4:44 pm

I will just list a few points that I believe
1. mental illness can take away ones agency and accountability
2. mental illness is not a moral failing or the result of bad or abusive parenting. A majority of people don’t know that.
3. medications make it possible to regain ones agency. Bipolar people often believe they do better work when they are in a hypomanic state. In most cases this is an illusion and their thoughts are racing and their perceptions clouded.
4. If you haven’t lived with a manic or depressed person who is also psychotic on or on the edge of it you have no idea what it is like.
Blue
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:13 pm

I’m sure most of you have seen this, but I thought it relevant to this post in that it claims that hope has power. That it has power to Sustain us through despair. That we learn to cultivate hope the same way we learn to walk~one step at at time. That our ability to abound in hope grows as we live the gospel. That there’s reason to rejoice, even when all around us seems dark. That the Love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrows, gladdens every heart.

These are significant claims. I wonder what everyone’s take is about it as related to mental disease like bi-polar, depression etc.? and if Loving Jesus is the key to piercing darkness, and gladdening hearts, how does one go about that? I’m asking sincerely because I believe in the prophets, but as one who has struggled forever with depression, this isn’t my experience, and I’d truly like to know if others have insights that would be useful. Thanks! ♥
Camille
September 18th, 2009 @ 10:58 pm

Blue,
I don’t know how to answer that. On top of my spouses depression he has become a prescription drug addict. We’ve been dealing with this for over 9 years. Everytime I have been promised by him that he will change and that he wants to live more righteously, he tries and then he crashes and burns and gets himself into a darker pit. His chemical imbalance and chemical abuse are reeking havoc on him. Before we had hoped so much (and I’m not blaming him at all, I know that he made these choices and no one forced it upon him, but the more I learn about his mental history and his past I know he’s been predispositioned to become addicted to these chemicals.) During these last years up until a couple months ago, I hoped and prayed and have done everything that I thought I could to take this away from us. Couple of months ago he hit a car while under the influence, second time…first time he was arrested on a DUI, he’s already been hospitalized twice, up until that accident I had hoped Heavenly Father would help him, soften our sorrow with what he has been struggling with. Right now I’m at a point where I’m afraid to have hope…or maybe a better term would be to get my hopes up that his issues will become any better. I love my husband very much and have come to terms that his depression might just kill him. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t know what you are suffering through and I don’t want to claim to know what my husband is feeling, but I read to my husband GG Vandergriffs book “Deliverance from Depression-finding hope and healing through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.” When I read that book to him 3 years ago, he cried and told me that was the first time he was able to truly identify with someone that went through the same mental experiences as he was and that he still is. I need to find that book again!!
Blue
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:28 pm

years ago i went through a phase of watching this talk every day as a way to survive. it brought me some hope at the time. but even now, i just haven’t really figured out how to feel the spirit as a rule. i can identify moments when it must be there, but rather than a warm, cozy feeling, it’s an abstract, analytical awareness that it’s probably there. the closest i come to having anything penetrate is through music.

i’m amazed that i’ve hung on this long, and that fact alone gives me hope that i won’t fall apart someday. i’d like to believe the worst is behind me, but then i’ll have some of those days, and realize that i can’t assume anything. gives “endure to the end” new meaning.

thanks for the insights Camille. I’m so sorry for your struggles. i’m on a different journey than a lot of people mentioned here. it’s my own. hopefully it will lead me back to God someday! ♥
wendy
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:44 pm

Blue, you ask good questions. I don’t have a perfect answer, but I’ve got some ideas to put out here. A guest speaker at Enrichment recently taught us that twin studies show that 50% of our personalities & such are genetically based (I forget how he said it exactly). 10% is situationally influenced and 40% is how we choose to respond. If we’ve got a disease like bipolar or depression, chances are, there’s some real biological tendencies in that direction.

With those types of disorders, it can get hard to feel hope (or feel anything). I have typically been a hopeful, positive person, but during my various bouts with depression, IF I did feel the Spirit and have glimmers of hope, it was very hard to hold onto them.

Some of my depressive “episodes” (for lack of a better word) have been more “chemical” (again, for lack of a better word), and some have been more obviously situational. During one specific chemical depression, therapy gave me insight, but it wasn’t until I took something for it that I could wake up smiling effortlessly again, and I began really getting better. I WAS living the gospel. But my body wasn’t working right. I could talk the hopeful talk, but I couldn’t feel it.

When things have been more situational, it’s been a different kind of struggle with hope. Things looked bad, and it was hard to see them getting better, hard to remember that even if the situation would never change, there were things to be hopeful about. In those kinds of circumstances, for me, it seems that “cultivating hope” is an important part of getting better.

I do think Loving Jesus is pertinent. I also think that with mental diseases, it’s not the whole picture. I think cultivating hope in Christ is always a good idea, but I don’t think it will cure every mental illness (it doesn’t cure diabetes, right?). It certainly can give us strength through those kinds of trials.

Thinking of “how does one go about” having loving Jesus pierce our darkness . . . during that particularly bad episode, I had a prompting at one point that all of my doubts about the gospel’s truthfulness were directly related to the depression, and that it was crucial for me to keep my covenants and keep going to the temple, serving in church, etc., during this time; that when the depression passed, I would know it was true again. And that’s just what happened–but it took taking something to get me there. So my conclusion is, we have to approach it two-fold: address the depression (or whatever) directly AND turn to Christ with new fervor.

Here are my ideas for a little of both:

~keep LIVING the gospel, even if our hearts aren’t in it,
~DO those basic things–prayer, scriptures, temple, service–even if it’s hard to feel anything while we’re doing them, make the effort to make it sincere,
~consult with Heavenly Father about the depression. Even if we can’t feel the Spirit, He can and will send guidance, insight or messages of hope (via blessings, other people, scriptures, books, etc.)
~DON’T be afraid of therapy and meds,
~DON’T fall into the trap of thinking you aren’t doing enough if you still feel depressed, or that you don’t have enough faith (if I recall, one of the modern prophets had serious struggles with depression)
~Don’t be afraid to do a little more or increase your faith a little more . . . just don’t guilt yourself over it–that’s where satan wins!
~DO do your best to take care of yourself, even when you don’t feel like it. Those things can go a long way to ease depression.
~Along with fostering hope, foster gratitude.

There are tons more things to do to ease depression, but I didn’t want that to be my emphasis. I hope that helps–I need to reread the list and apply things to myself a little better.
wendy
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:47 pm

Blue, Camille’s and your second post were done while I was writing, so I missed them. Not sure how much of what I wrote applies or not. I’m curious to hear your response, though.
wendy
September 18th, 2009 @ 11:57 pm

p.s. to Blue, I just read a bit of your blog. What you’ve been through makes things TONS harder. TONS.
m&m
September 19th, 2009 @ 12:12 am

and if Loving Jesus is the key to piercing darkness, and gladdening hearts, how does one go about that?

Sometimes I think hope means waiting patiently in the promises that may not all even be fully fulfilled in this life.

This talk from Elder Holland is one of my faves. And he reminds us that:

“[Heavenly Father and Jesus] sustain us in our hour of need—and always will, even if we cannot recognize that intervention. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.]”

I think hope isn’t just about the emotions we feel (because sometimes biology or other things can make it hard to *feel* light and hope) but about something deeper than that.

That’s easy to say, I know. But I do believe that hope is something that transcends the temporary, that helps us hold onto the reality that mortality is not IT. That the suffering we experience here is ‘but a small moment.’ That somehow, sometimes it’s not about having Christ fix it all as we would want it now, but that through Him, we have hope for a better world…and with that, we can try to keep on keeping on, even if a day or hour at a time.
m&m
September 19th, 2009 @ 12:18 am

(And I know that sounds hopeless, because it’s SO HARD to not have things relieved now. But I do think an element of hope really has to get us thinking beyond the now. I think sometimes we equate our wishes for solutions with hope, but I believe gospel hope is something different, deeper, more eternally-based. It requires (and yet enables) more submission and patience, because the hope isn’t set up as something that may not come to pass (because truth be told, sometimes what we want to have happen doesn’t and if we hope for things that really aren’t to be, then we set ourselves up for a fall), it helps us trust God even when it seems that what we are facing is more than we can bear.)

At least for me, the lack of relief as I would ‘hope’ for has forced me to reconsider what things like faith, hope, patience, growth, endurance, deliverance, etc. mean. It has stretched my spirit in new ways.

It’s exhausting, but can be exhilarating at times, because I feel like I’m learning things.

Sounds cliché, maybe. ?
wendy
September 19th, 2009 @ 9:05 pm

m&m, I love what you wrote.

And I’m so glad I’m not getting that trojan horse message every time I open this today!
Ann Moulton Johnson
September 20th, 2009 @ 3:16 pm

I agree with Sarah that “all paths lead to God” and with Leila that inactivity in the LDS Church “is not necessarily inconsistent with God’s plan” for some of His children.

My own two sons have joined a non-LDS church and are much happier than when they struggled to be Mormons. My story of our family’s experience, “Changing Faiths Gave My Sons Hope” was published in Dialogue, April 2007.
annegb
September 21st, 2009 @ 9:02 am

I read this last night and meant to comment then, but got caught up in Blue’s wonderful blog (damn, girl!)…

so here I am Brace yourselves, this could be even longer than my usual long posts.

Like your brother, Natalie, I swallowed a bottle of pills and woke up in the hospital, very sick but alive. I’d planned it for awhile, my escape route. I’d put it off and tomorrow would be another day and then suddenly tomorrow looked unbearable to face. My friends say that I’m alive because my son, who shot himself, made me get up. I know the reason I was able to get up that, addict that I am, I’d taken all of the pills that I knew would put me immediately to sleep, precluding changing my mind.

I don’t remember changing my mind….or if I did. All I remember is lying down, thinking God probably wouldn’t let me see my children. Absently thinking that, because I was filled with pain. I did get up, though, I went into the bathroom and passed out. It’s a minor miracle, I suppose, that that woke Bill up because he could sleep through a plane crashing into the house. The rest is history.

My emotions embody ambivalence. I feel that I failed. I feel that I chickened out and I so often in the last three years, have wished I’d succeeded because I’ve made so many mistakes just in the last three years it seems it would have been better for everybody. Then I shame myself because surely people would have been devastated and I think what a pansy I am for not being able to tough life out. I think about that scripture that says people curse God and wish to die. Or about being more afraid of life than death. About being selfish.

More often, I think about being simply exhausted and overwhelmed.

But there was an additional aspect to my suicide attempt that you guys have talked about here—that long dark night. I’ve been suicidal since I was about 8 years old—I knew there was a God and I regretted having made the decision to leave Him!

Growing up in an alcoholic home overflowing with abuse and ugliness, being poor and outcast of course I was depressed! Negativity and fear and anger ruled my life and still do to a large extent.

But about 5 years ago, Sarah (aka Princess Buttgold) graduated, got married and I was left alone to face the loneliness of my screwed up marriage, menopause hit with a vengeance and I really nose dived. I often felt paranoid to the point of panic. I knew I needed help, but I still carried on faking it for a long time. I had a calling, I did stuff, I grandmothered, mothered and wifed. But inside, I knew I was going downhill fast.

It was a different kind of dark. It was the kind where I was afraid of myself, of what I would do and the struggle wasn’t over whether I had the guts to kill myself, it was about keeping myself from it.

The awful experience of discovering my best friends’ son was a sex offender who’d molested a lot of little girls in our neighborhood and the tearing-apart of our neighborhood family and ward as a result just did me in. Bill, true to his nature, turned his back on me and I took the pills and woke up sick as a dog and completely disoriented in the hospital.

Okay, this is all to add context for my comments.

These are the things I think helped me:

1. I left Bill and spent 6 months in a quiet safe place. I had no visitors (except one blogging friend) and I rested.

2. When I left, Bill was shocked to such an extent that he changed fundamentally. He doesn’t rage at me anymore. Knock on wood.

So I made some fundamental lifestyle changes.

3. Medication. That’s been a progression as I’ve experimented, researched and found what works for me.

At first, they (the doctor and Bill) were convinced I had to be really crazy to leave him, so they concluded I was bi-polar. I argued with them but they were adamant and I went along with them, but that medication was just awful. I finally stopped it on my own and felt better.

(Bill nagged me into going to a clinic in Newport Beach where they did brain scans and concluded that I was not, after all, crazy and my brain was pretty normal for the shape I was in. You should have seen his face when he got that news)

I still felt that awful despair and blackness, though, and some days I would begin to cry and not stop. I would literally have tears coming from my eyes for hours and hours. I couldn’t stop them. I did nothing else except lie in bed and cry. My eyes would swell up and I looked ugly and distraught. I felt full of poison.

Then I discovered I had a serious vitamin D deficiency and also a DHEA deficiency. Research showed that after awhile, when a person has experienced extreme stress, your adrenal gland actually starts to shut down and DHEA is one of the casualties. I just went and bought some DHEA from Wal-Mart and within a week, began to feel myself lifting out of the cave.

Today, I have hope. Sometimes I have fun! I’m nowhere near “normal” and frankly, I’m in a place of acceptance about that. I don’t think Bill is—and I don’t blame him—but he decided he couldn’t live without me and I’m letting that be his decision.

So, this is all skeewampus (when am I not?), but let me try to recap, as far as my recovery went, in hopes it might help your brother in some way.

1. I made lifestyle changes. Which included less church activity. Ann Johnson and Leila are right. Mormonism is a harsh task-oriented religion. I believe in it, I have a testimony and I can’t leave altogether, but I’m accepting my own limitations via the Molly Mormon myth.

2. I found the DHEA. I disagree with those who feel anti-depressants are not the answer. I also take Cymbalta. But there’s a balance to be found that each person’s body must determine. I have a B supplement I get from the health food store and I get B12 shots every week. But that DHEA, what a lifesaver. I’m now taking a prescription strength my gynecologist gave me which doesn’t make me break out.

For some people, complete normalcy is impossible. We—those of us who love people with depression, and those of us with depression—need to accept that fact. Besides, really, what is normal anyway? I guess it’s definitely not lying in bed bawling and wanting to die 24-7 LOL.

I still would rather die than live. I’m still in a place of fear, anger and resentment, especially toward my husband. I’m still often exhausted and discouraged. But that other place, that really dark place where it felt like someone, or something else, was in control of me and there was absolutely no hope whatsoever, that’s not with me at the moment.

You say your brother is using drugs. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an evil addict. More likely, it means he’s attempting self medication because he doesn’t trust professionals and that’s the only respite he gets from his demons. I really have no idea what you can do to help him except to love him unconditionally without compromising your own mental health. That, and just slip a little DHEA in his beer.
Maralise
September 21st, 2009 @ 11:51 am

annegb–I’ve missed you.
annegb
September 21st, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

I need to clarify that I’d already used up the pills which would have pur me instantly to sleep while the others did their job.

I’m with Aimee. There is a blackness that you cannot will away using your free agency.

Until you’ve experienced it yourself, it’s very easy to say “snap out of it.”.
Blue
September 22nd, 2009 @ 3:14 pm

thanks Wendy and Camille and annegb for your thoughts and expressions of support for me and others. this topic deviates enough from the original post that it seems like it could use an entire post of it’s own. if any of you feel up to doing a guest post, i’d encourage you in that direction. i think depression is something a lot of LDS women cope with in their lives, and it deserves more air time than it’s going to get on this nearly dead thread.

hang in there! ♥
annegb
September 23rd, 2009 @ 1:26 pm

I need to add a caveat about DHEA; the dose you get in the bottle at Wal-Mart can be too high. It’s all relative to how low your DHEA might be—you should have it tested, to be sure. My gynecologist gave me a much better type, prescription strength, lower dose, which also cleared up my skin. The Wal-Mart brand made me break out in awful acne. That is one problem.

But your brother might benefit from some vitamin therapy as well, B12 gets depleted, and is easily treated. B12 deficiency can really play havoc with your mental health.