Questions

Posted by Guest | May 7, 2010 | 13 Comments

Today’s UP CLOSE piece is by Emily Falke. Emily lives near Austin, Texas with her fantastic little family consisting of her husband, her daughter, and their really big dog. She relishes the sweet busyness of home life, and she quilts and tutors in her spare time. She blogs at www.memoirsofmotherhood.wordpress.com.

Two little blue lines on a little white stick. Just two little lines, and one little stick, but with far-reaching consequences.

And questions.

There was the beginning. Is it the right time for us to try? Could we handle it if I got pregnant right away? The answer came: “Can you ever handle it?”

Okay, You got us there. We had months of hoping and praying and watching everyone around us. Not so much time had gone past, but everyone we heard who said,“Wow! And we got pregnant on the first month!” really started to get on our nerves. How did they do that?

Then, after the traditional year’s waiting time, the most painful questions came next. Why not? Will we ever? Blood tests, hormone tests, sperm tests, ovulation tests. Not to mention the rather unpleasant HSG. What’s next? What day in my cycle do I need this test taken on again? When do I need to come in? “Can you cover my seventh period?” “Yes, more infertility tests.” “Can you cover my first period? I’m running late.” “Yeah, at the doctor, again.” Everything was normal, but still we waited. I went to baby showers; bought blankets and outfits and spa gift cards for glowing, but tired, expectant mothers; visited friends in the hospital; held babies while they slept or while they watched me, wide-eyed; and I hoped more and more. Prayers turned to pleadings.

I turned to the scriptures and cried with Hannah, seemingly forgotten by the Lord. Hannah, I understand why your emotion was so strong that your tears were taken for drunkeness. I’ve said those prayers and made those promises too.

The first year turned to two, and a whole new set of questions arose: What now? What other options do we have? Adoption? From where? Woah, how are we going to be able to afford that? South Korea it is. One step at a time. And then the peace.

And then the lines. Why now? WHY NOW? Will it be a boy or a girl? Will he or she be healthy? Will I ever not feel nauseous again? Will I ever not feel exhausted or cranky again?

Questions to fill nine months. Questions to fill years. Questions that will have to wait for another day. The little blue lines can only answer one.

Comments

13 Responses to “Questions”

Jennie
May 7th, 2010 @ 6:40 am

I think the questions only get worse once those lines appear. Before that it’s mostly just a matter of when? And why not?

I’m an Austinite too!
Sue
May 7th, 2010 @ 10:01 am

My daughter is in the midst of infertility treatment right now. Oh, how I hope she has a chance to see those little lines one day.

Thanks for your post. It resonated with me.

=)
Giggles
May 7th, 2010 @ 11:18 am

Thank you for a lovely post. I’m starting to think infertility problems are much more prevalent than anyone wants to admit. But that’s part of the problem, people don’t like talking about hardships and pains so openly. Thank you for your wonderful words.
Emily
May 7th, 2010 @ 12:54 pm

Thanks, everyone. It’s an honor to be able to submit a post to Segullah!

I didn’t even cover all the questions that you get asked when you are struggling with infertility. Well-meaning family members, friends, and sometimes just acquaintances love to ask, “So, when you are going to start a family?” “When will we have some grandkids?” “Do you want to have children?” and the like. Those are tough. My answer was finally, “We will have kids whenever God decides to give them to us.”

Thanks for your comments!
Go see my guest post at Segullah! « Memoirs of Motherhood
May 7th, 2010 @ 12:59 pm

[...] 2010 by ejfalke Today, a post that I wrote when I was first pregnant with Jane is featured at Segullah – a wonderful organization that celebrates the writing of LDS women. Go check it [...]
mom o' boys
May 7th, 2010 @ 1:00 pm

Beautiful post. It is so healing to discuss openly all the different paths we follow as women as we try to bring children into this world. The more I talk to other women the more I realize that it is a very complicated process for many of us to get pregnant or stay pregnant.
Shara
May 7th, 2010 @ 1:10 pm

Lovely, Em!

The more women I meet & the more life experiences I have the more I realize the QUITE complicated and detail-ridden process of bringing new life into this world. I have experienced one kind of challenge, but so many experience more heart-breaking kinds.

Thanks for your story–little Jane is one darling miracle baby!
Ros
May 7th, 2010 @ 2:09 pm

Thank you for remembering those of us who don’t celebrate Mother’s Day without a few sad tears.

Ros
Round Rock, TX
Naismith
May 7th, 2010 @ 3:01 pm

About those questions from “well-meaning” people, you owe them no answer at all.

They are way over the line to mention anything about your fertility status, which is between you and your spouse and the Lord. It so is not their business.

Grandparenthood is a gift, not a right.
Emily
May 7th, 2010 @ 4:45 pm

I loved this post!
I’ve never been able to articulate the thoughts running through my head when I stare at the little blue lines. You have a gift for distiling a wave of emotion into droplets of truth.
Kay
May 8th, 2010 @ 9:33 am

Those lines are one of the most amazing sights in the world. Pure bliss.
Bek
May 10th, 2010 @ 3:10 pm

We are a secondary infertility couple too. Five years between our daughter and our first adopted child. When people asked when we were having another I would say with a straight face “never! We hate kids!”.

inside I would think “NOW who is uncomfortable??”. And then chuckle so they didn’t freak out.

Sigh. Good luck on your journey. We now have dour kids and it has been an adventure getting them all here.
Janell the Great
May 13th, 2010 @ 9:44 am

Yay for Austin!