Raising Boys, Raising Men

Posted by Kellie | April 18, 2010 | 34 Comments

Over a decade ago, I was sure I was pregnant with a little girl. When the ultrasound technician pointed out “the turtle coming out of its shell” and then explained that the turtle was “boy bits”, the first thought I had was “Better not call him Abby then”, closely followed by “ARRGH! A boy? Boys are WEIRD! With different bits! How do you look after boys?” Twelve years later, I’m still learning how to look after boys, now in the company of two sons who thankfully have been looking after their own bits (“AARGH! Get OUT Mum!”) for over ten and six years respectively.

Turns out that the boy bits part was the easiest problem to solve (“Wipe in a number 8 and you’re sorted” is my advice to all first time Mums of boys.) As my sons have hit the ages of eight and twelve, the most difficult truth to face is that I can’t be everything my sons need.

Because I’m not raising boys, I’m raising men. And my sons need men. Real men, not just people who happen to be legally adult. When I left the ultrasound cubicle and headed straight for the bookstore and library to research just what this son of mine would need, I didn’t realise that it takes a tribe of interested, engaged, actively involved men to make happy boys, and help those happy boys become men themselves. I didn’t know that I would be divorced from the father of my sons, living hundreds of kilometres apart, and have no interested males within my own family to take part in my sons’ lives. I had no idea that my sons (and all other boys I have come in contact with) would gravitate so unerringly towards the men in their lives, thirsty for direction, attention, instruction from a guy, a bloke, a MAN.

But they do. Boys need men. Men to look at, to talk to, to copy their walk and mannerisms and learn just what this thing called “a man” involves. What “a man” looks like. Talks like, thinks like. Even smells like. I watched in open-mouthed astonishment as my son spent an entire weekend practically Velcro-d to my uncle’s side, soaking up everything he did. How he sprawled in a chair. How he made sure that the women in the family were comfortable, and to tease them with respect at the same time – all seen to be part of being “a man”. My uncle watched Hatro cook his first barbecue – an unofficial rite of passage in Australia that has to be overseen by male elders to count – nudging him with his elbow with a “Careful, Hat, watch the one on the end” during the cooking, and “Top work, mate” as we sat down to eat. That weekend I watched my son’s shoulders move differently as he mimicked a stance, jiggle as he tried on manhood for size, and stretch as he considered what kind of man he could be.

There have been other men who have seen a need, or lack, or gap and have stepped forward. A neighbour who taught my sons about tools, maintenance, physics and chemistry as they all cemented my letterbox back to upright. My scary looking, gruff, tattooed boss who taught my son to punch and defend safely after being beaten at school, and encouraged my other son to fill up the teapot as we waited through the lesson. Last year I was running late for church, and on the way noticed Hatro’s tie was undone. We arrived at church and – unable to remember how to tie it – I told Hatro to ask our father-and-son home teachers for help. I will never forget that Sunday. Mere weeks away from turning 12, Hatro stood in the middle of the hallway, thronged by all the Young Man in the branch and surrounded by every adult priesthood holder. And every single one of them had their tie undone. To help my son learn to tie his tie, to learn more about what men do.

I’m raising two sons. Each a son who happens to be a man-child at the moment, yet who will one day be legally responsible for his own actions. Each a boy who hopefully one day will be a man, not just because of the number of years since I first looked into his newborn eyes, but because his own personality, actions, decisions and responses and attitudes have taken him past the definition of adult and set him firmly into manhood. And manhood is something that I just can’t demonstrate myself.

But I’m hoping, praying, that there will continue to be men who care, who work, who live as examples, willing to guide my sons along their individual path to manhood.

Comments

34 Responses to “Raising Boys, Raising Men”

Kay
April 18th, 2010 @ 4:17 am

I am having a bad time with this post, twice I have posted my comment and each time lost it into oblivion when it was almost finished. Third time lucky.

Crying now as I loved your message so much. I am having a Sunday morning at home with my 9 year old who vomited last night. He is sleeping it off upstairs. I adore my son to pieces, he is so easy to love. Yet, the thought of having a boy after 2 girls turned me upside down. What did you do with them, I wondered. Now I know that you just love them through whatever life throws at you, same as girls really but with less hormones.

I am grateful for the men in my life that help and guide my son. Presently he has a male primary teacher who is amazing. He is a retired police officer who has taken a class of boisterous boys under his wing. My son thinks he is awesome. He loves going to primary now and it really does make a difference. We had a group of friends over for dinner a while ago including his teacher and my son never left his side all night. We never know who will influence our children. I pray for good teachers for all my children and thank them often for what they do. I can picture all of your priesthood helping your son with his tie, that was the part that made me cry. We have good men around us and it really is the little things like that which show us how wonderful they are. It takes many instances of love like this to help turn good boys into the kind of men we want them to be. Thankyou for your post.
Angie f
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:15 am

The image of all the priesthood helping your son tie his tie made me cry too. I have three boys, bookended by 2 girls. And I have only sisters, so this boy business has struck me with some of the same wonder and fear as it has you. I am eternally grateful for the good upstanding men in my sons’ lives. I often wonder if they know how intently they are watched, if they can remember the hunger from their own childhood. Because it is exactly as you described it.
Tay
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:22 am

I really shouldn’t have read this after applying make-up and right before church.

Your words make so grateful for the men my son has in his life.
Tay
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:23 am

*Correction: make me so grateful
traci
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:46 am

Beautiful Post Kellie! We had all these girls in our family, then a boy. I had the most terrible time at first buying toys! even!
Got into the fame thing finally and it was good.

We have this strange thing in our family where we think boys are very uncapable of many things, yet we pander them. Have never really been able to figure that one out.

Loved the tie scene!
Giggles
April 18th, 2010 @ 10:18 am

I recently watched a young man open his mission call. And I know I wasn’t the only one who thought of all the men who stepped in to be a father to him, who showed him what it meant to be a man and a priesthood holder. How wonderful it is to have such great men in the world.
corktree
April 18th, 2010 @ 11:58 am

This is so great to read. I’m having my first boy after 3 girls, and this sums up many of the fears that I have over this change. I just can’t think of him as a little boy that will have the same needs as his sisters for a while (though everyone tells me I’ll have time to adjust). I can only think to when he is older and completely incomprehensible to me and needs the influence of his father more than mine. I thought the responsibility to give my daughters proper perspective was going to do me in, but a son?! Yikes.
JM
April 18th, 2010 @ 1:42 pm

I want someone to paint a picture of all those young men tying their ties together. What a beautiful sight that must have been.

I grew up with four older brothers and no sisters. I was prepared for boys. I am the mother of three sons. Nothing they get up to surprises me, and I feel like I know how to teach them what they need to know. However, they do need a man to follow.

I get so frustrated as I see our society be so dismissive of strong men as fathers, and role models for boys. My boys look to their father for things that I can never give them. Knowledge that is unique to men and can only be understood by boys. But it doesn’t stop there, they also depend on their priesthood leaders to show them the way a man fulfills his duty and carries himself.

There is something very special about boys. Yes, they need a dad, or a father figure, to show them the way. But they still need their moms. Even if it’s just to have somebody to hug. For you moms who are just having your sons, you will hold a place in their hearts that no one else can touch, and vice-versa.
Lauren
April 18th, 2010 @ 2:20 pm

I’m in tears after this one. My dad was inactive when my brothers, sister, and I were growing up (still is). While he never physically left us, he was never the leader of our family, either, so we looked carefully at the other men around us to see what MAN should be. Thanks be to heaven for all the great men out there — my husband among them — who walk tall so our boys (and girls!) can see what a great man looks like.
La Yen
April 18th, 2010 @ 3:15 pm

1. Thanks for the number 8 tip. I am making a sign and laminating it.

2. I love this so much. I want to remember it always. We have such a wonderful group of youth on this earth right now, and so many of them have that craving for a righteous example of manhood. I hope I can encourage my husband to fill that need whenever possible!
dalene
April 18th, 2010 @ 3:21 pm

great post kellie. amen! my father died when I was 19, the oldest of six kids–four of them boys. i too have seen what can happen when someone–a teacher, a coach, a young men leader, an uncle or a friend reaches out and puts an arm around a young man. it meant so much when someone would think to call and invite one of my brothers to an activity or the priesthood session of conference or the fathers and sons campout. i hope your boys–and all the boys who need that–do get that kind of love and support from the men around them.
the mrs
April 18th, 2010 @ 5:15 pm

Beautiful post, Kellie.
The image of all the men, young and old surrounding your son & the ties is very special.
We need more of this. There has been (and is) so much negativity directed towards men, it’s kind of scary. Positive messages like yours are very much needed.
Thank you for sharing your experience in such a touching manner.
mom o' boys
April 18th, 2010 @ 6:06 pm

Kellie, what a beautiful post. Your caring and loving heart comes through so clearly. I am the mom of four boys…yup, no girls. And, I feel like society really needs us to speak up for the boys and men in our lives. We need to expect so much of them. I’m hoping that there will always be men in your boys’ lives. And, don’t underestimate how much they need you. You can show them how to be a disciple of Christ, a kind human being, a good friend, and a loving mother and daughter.
Dr. Horrible
April 18th, 2010 @ 6:11 pm

Thanks for the great post. As a YM leader for a group of rag-tag boys, it was a nice reminder that I have a sacred responsibility to magnify my calling…who knows what gaps we are filling?

Thinking back on it, even thought its been 15+ years, i can still name all of my YM leaders and can point to different things I gleaned from each of them.
Sharlee
April 18th, 2010 @ 6:11 pm

Beautiful.

I, too, was moved to tears by the image of all those young men and their leaders teaching your son to tie his tie.

My father died when I was five, and he left behind four sons and three daughters ranging in age from six months to fourteen years. I am so thankful for the many good men–grandpas and uncles and neighbors and friends–who acted as proxy fathers for us, particularly for my brothers.
Handsfullmom
April 18th, 2010 @ 8:44 pm

Beautifully written. I’m glad there are good men in the world, who will untie their ties when necessary.
Cissy
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

What else to say, but agree with everyone…this is beautiful. I want to share it with the men I love, and remember it as I watch my own sons grow.
Melissa M.
April 18th, 2010 @ 9:31 pm

Loved this post, Kellie—so beautiful! I think your boys are in very good hands. =)
scrappycook
April 18th, 2010 @ 11:12 pm

Well, I am now crying before bed – again. I never feel more overwhelmed and frightened than when I think of raising two boys alone. My daughter I feel qualified to teach and to guide, but boys really do need good men in their lives. I love the image of the men in your ward teaching your son – we need so much more of this. I fell blessed with a faithful home teacher who is coming to work with my son on his Pinewood derby car – little moments of service from man to boy are so important.
MelissaPete
April 19th, 2010 @ 12:28 am

This is a great post Kellie. I do not envy you raising your boys alone. I know they need you so much, and I understand that they need the example of men also. Your description of the YM leaders helping your son tie his tie made me think of the inspired programs in the Church. I wonder how many of the members are filled by the examples of those they need examples from? My sister and I had a mother, but not one who nurtured and was kind. We found that example in the women in our YW program. Your post made me reflect on the goodness of others, and the goodness of our Father in Heaven who puts these angels in our paths.
Sue
April 19th, 2010 @ 12:40 am

Fathers are wonderful…and so are the surrogates that step in to teach and guide and support as needed. I love that image of the tie-tying. Now THAT’s the gospel in action!

=)
Tiffany W.
April 19th, 2010 @ 7:54 am

This was a wonderful post. I grew up in a family of 8 girls and 0 boys. I was completely unprepared for my first son and then resigned to my fate as boys 2 and 3 followed. My daughter came next. But then a 4th boy followed her. I long for more daughters for several reasons. But I’m grateful for my sons and have realized that they were sent to me for very specific reasons. And yes, I see how much they need other good men in their lives to model manhood.
It wasn’t until I had sons that I realized many of the feminist paradigms I held tight to my heart weren’t really working for me and wouldn’t be right for my sons. I also began to see how much the world is intent on hurting my precious sons. I didn’t see that before, preferring to see a world which privileges males exclusively.
Anyhow, I still have much to learn, but I’m grateful for the many men who have been there for me to assist in the process, first and foremost, my strong husband. But the list goes on, scout leaders, caring bishops, thoughtful home teachers, missionaries, young men in my ward.
Red
April 19th, 2010 @ 8:32 am

I’m raising three sons and no girls, so this post resonates. I have gone through what Tiffany W. is talking about, too. Realizing that feminism and its ripple effects have left behind a rather hostile environment for my boys. It’s forced me to look more honestly and clearly at that belief structure (feminism) and modify it a bit.
Emily M.
April 19th, 2010 @ 10:14 am

Kellie, your boys are blessed to have you. Every time I read your writing about them, I think this. I loved the tie-tying story too. This was lovely.
April
April 19th, 2010 @ 10:43 am

I loved this! I have 4 sisters and an MIA dad. So when My first was a boy I was lost! He is 12 now also and each day I watch as he changes slowly from Momma’s boy to his own man.
Nan
April 19th, 2010 @ 11:49 am

I have three sons; what a fresh approach on the old it-takes-a-village theme.

I taught and tutored three years at an inner city school in Houston. After just a few months became convinced that many of the problems in our inner cities could be solved if more minority men went into teaching (not just coaching) and became positive role models for too many struggling young men. When Obama was elected, I thought of what such a thing would mean to those kids for whom I had cared so much and shed so many tears. Whatever you might think of his politics, his speeches on fatherhood and its importance ring of truth. Your post eloquently points out that just as there are many ways and capacities in which we mother (whether we have kids or not), men too need to assume such collective ownership for the next generation.
mormonhermitmom
April 19th, 2010 @ 1:17 pm

A hearty “thank you” to all the men who father those boys not their own.
Jill T
April 19th, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

I am wiping the tears away. I have four sons, and I thought exactly the same thing when I was pregnant with my first son. I was sure he would be a girl, but pleasantly surprised when he wasn’t. Now 4 boys and almost 10 years later, I loved reading about all those men who have stepped up to help you teach your son. I loved the tie story, and what a perfect teaching moment for those young men to really step in and help someone else. My boys still have their dad around, and he is wonderful, but I love the thought of men collectively teaching my boys how to be men. They can draw all the best things they learned from all the good men in their lives.
jks
April 19th, 2010 @ 2:01 pm

I have two boys (10, 2) and two girls. I love boys! (and girls too). My experience has been the boys have been speech and language delayed. I love reading about boys and education and how they learn. My kids have both their parents, but as they get older I notice that they really need other role models of the same gender. So for my daughter, as she needs her dad, her mom, plus other women like YWs leaders, piano teacher, etc. My son needs me, his dad and then some other good men in his life like a good coach or fun uncle. They really do want to soak up what it means to be a good man or a good woman.
It definitely doesn’t take anything away from me. As his mother I know how much my son loves me (he is the sweetest kid). I view it a positive sign that he wants to hang out with his dad or talk football with his grandpa, etc.
jendoop
April 19th, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

My son is our only boy, surrounded by three sisters. He recently turned eight and started scouting, I am so grateful for his interactions with boys and men there. He comes home happy, even when all they’ve done is learn to fold a tent. The scout leader is another example of a good man for my son to emulate.

As a mother I think I’ve underestimated the testosterone link. Being the mother of a boy has opened my eyes to male issues, most more serious than toilet aim. Mothers are armed with a unique viewpoint from which we can advocate for boys and men. Boys learn differently and behave differently – it doesn’t mean they’re bad, just that they need a strong advocate.

Our society would be improved if more men acted like the sons of God they are.
Cheri
April 19th, 2010 @ 7:30 pm

Beautifully expressed, Kellie. Thank you.
Michelle L.
April 19th, 2010 @ 7:47 pm

one of my neighbors (who has 6 boys!) painted this motto above their back door– BE MEN!

I love that. I have something else painted over my backdoor, but there’s always the front door too.

I have every confidence in you Kellie. Your boys will be men.
Sage
April 24th, 2010 @ 4:51 am

Kellie, thank you for this. Even though I have two sons I had never thought about this as clearly as you have. I’m grateful for the scouting and YM’s programs. We are so blessed in the church with good examples.
Selwyn aka Kellie
April 24th, 2010 @ 7:47 pm

G’day all, thank you for your comments, thoughts and discussion.

In keeping with the post and I’ve found it so difficult to even find research or books that looks positively at the raising of boys and not sound like the pealing of the bell of doom and destruction.

So I’d like to recommend a book that I have found of great help, direction and fact – “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph. Steve’s an Aussie author, so the tone is quite casual compared to some US/EU books, but for me much of the advice and theory is intelligent, sound and practical. There is even specific advice for sole parenting mothers. If you can find it, it is certainly worth a read – I give it to my friends on the birth of a manchild.

And thank you all for appreciating those men that step forward to teach the boys of our hearts and our world.