Refiner’s Fire

Posted by Guest | May 29, 2010 | 10 Comments

Today’s post is by Catherine Kemeny Gambrell. This piece on motherhood adds to a popular UP CLOSE segment for May. Catherine is an anything-but-stay-at-home mom to the world’s two most beautiful, entertaining, and sleepless children! She currently lives in northern Utah with her seminary teacher husband of 8 years. Together they enjoy hiking, camping, backpacking, cycling, and basically every other outdoor activity. Alone, Catherine hypothetically enjoys reading, writing, dancing, cooking, and showering, though her children make sure she is never alone so she usually has a companion or two joining her in these endeavors. Catherine has a BS in Sociology from Brigham Young University, which she occasionally uses to stir up controversy among her friends and acquaintances… Catherine blogs at yourfireyoursoul.blogspot.com

As I think back to my first child’s infancy, it is funny to me how much I dwelt on sleep, or more appropriately, the lack of sleep. At the time, I was sure no baby could be as poor a sleeper as my son. At the time, I knew if I could just get some sleep life would be perfect. At the time, the sleep deprivation felt like the hardest thing in the world.

How I sometimes wish for those days back.

My son woke frequently to nurse at night for his first year and a half of life. But he went promptly, and deeply, back to sleep until the next time he woke to nurse. I never had to rock him for hours at night. He never woke up, suddenly aware and angry that I had placed him in his crib, just as I settled back to sleep. After his newborn days, I never had to change diapers in the middle of the night. He slept in until at least 10:00 every morning, and he took predictable long naps two times a day. He fell asleep nursing every night without a fight.

I miss the days when I could sleep in. I miss the days when I could take a nap to catch up on lost sleep. I miss the days when I had only had one child to take care of.

I wish I could have appreciated how much simpler life was with only one child.

Of course, at the time, it didn’t feel like life was simple. It felt like more than I could handle. Just like even though I am sure having only two children is infinitely easier than having more, right now it feels like more than I can handle.

As with all things in life, just because it could get worse in the future doesn’t make it any easier to deal with NOW.

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is what I call “one-uppers.” People who just have to “one-up” all your trials (or successes). They’re the ones who say to you, “You think you have it hard, with one kid who doesn’t sleep, and a husband who is in school? Just you wait. Just you wait until you have 4 (or 6. Or 14.)kids, and your husband is the bishop in your ward, and your left leg falls off, and your house burns down, and…” blah blahblah. Understandably, there are people in the world whose lives are a whole lot harder than mine. But that doesn’t negate the fact that my life does sometimes overwhelm me, stress me out, make me feel inadequate, or lonely, or desperate.

When my son wasn’t sleeping well, it DID feel like the end of my world. Even though, as I now know, it could have been a lot worse.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the past few weeks, as my daughter’s poor sleeping habits have now far surpassed my son’s. I found myself telling my husband recently that I wished our daughter could be as good a sleeper as our son was. Did I ever think those words would have come out of my mouth, about 2-3 years ago, when I was in the midst of all my troubles with our son not sleeping? Never in a million years.

My perspective has totally changed.

Or is it just that I have grown as a mother, and am continuing to grow, line upon line, precept on precept? I think Heavenly Father is wise. He wants us to succeed. He pushes us to (what we feel is) our absolute limit, and then as we learn and grow and our limit changes, he pushes us to our new absolute limit, over and over again, until we are handling things far beyond what we ever imagined we would be able to.

Motherhood is my“refiner’s fire.”My children challenge me in ways I never could have foreseen. It may seem trivial to some, but there are times, in my constant haze of sleeplessness, when it feels like I just can’t handle any more. I can’t stay awake another minute with a baby who refuses to sleep for the fourth straight hour of the night. I can’t deal with another preschooler tantrum about what we eat for breakfast. I can’t tell my 3-year-old not to squeeze his sister one more time. I must constantly keep my anger in check with my children, my greatest joys, my greatest trials. As I am met with the challenges of motherhood (which, I have to be honest, have taken me by surprise), I am presented with great opportunities for growth.

I just hope I have the strength (and energy) to allow this fire to refine me, and to allow “the insignificant and the unimportant in [my life to] melt away like dross and make [my] faith bright, intact, and strong” (James E. Faust, “The Refiner’s Fire,” Ensign, May 1979, 53).

What challenges in your life have served as “refiner’s fires?” Are there any trials in your life that seem easier in retrospect? Do you think this is because your perspective has changed, or do you feel you are now just better equipped (through experience) to handle those challenges?What are the challenges of motherhood that have most surprised you? Do you have any “one-uppers” in your life?

Comments

10 Responses to “Refiner’s Fire”

Suzy
May 29th, 2010 @ 8:37 am

What a surprise to see you posting here. I love it! You are such a strong woman and I know you are doing great with those two “refiners” of yours.
Angela
May 29th, 2010 @ 8:38 am

Great post! Love the line about the leg falling off. When I was a mom of young kids, I used to hate it when moms of school-age or teenage kids would tell me, “Oh, you’re so lucky. I would go back to having small kids in a minute! It’s when they get older that things are really hard. Just you wait!” But I’d look at these moms who occasionally got to sleep in on a Saturday, moms whose kids could all zip their own coats and wipe their own noses, moms whose kids were all in school and therefore got hours and hours of blessed silence and alone time, and I remember thinking, “Unless your teenage children are the spawn of Satan, I have no idea how life could be harder!”

Now I understand just a little bit better, and I agree that for some women, having older kids IS harder than having young ones, for all sorts of reasons. But for me so far (my oldest is almost 14, my youngest is 3)? Nothing has been harder than having three little kids under the age of five. That was rough, tough stuff in so many ways, and although being a mom of older kids has its own challenges, I have solemnly sworn to NEVER tell another mom “Just you wait!” Especially a mom in the throes of sleep deprivation and potty training and constant clinging and tantrums at Target. So bless you, and hang in there. You’ll continue to get stronger as a mom, learning line upon line (it’s true) . . . but it also gets easier. At least I think it does.
Angie f
May 29th, 2010 @ 10:31 am

I can handle the one upping right now. I have no delusions that my life could be more difficult–I see it all around me. What gets me is the people (and they are numerous) who regale me with “I don’t know how you do it.” There never seems to be a good thing to say that doesn’t sound either prideful or pitiful, so lately I just say “badly.” That comes from a conversation I had with my grandmother years ago. Her first 3 kids were spaced roughly the same as mine–2 girls and a boy too. Although, she added to that a rehabilitating war vet husband who was no longer, due to brain injuries, who she had married, her mother passing away suddenly because of a deadly ether allergy that no one knew about when she went to have some dental work done, her two youngest brothers she effectively raised as a result, doing all her dad’s laundry, cleaning and cooking in addition to her own. So when I was in the throws of overwhelm (three was the worst for me–after that, it didn’t necessarily get easier, but it never got harder) with three young kids but none of the other mess, I couldn’t help but wonder how she did it, so I asked her. And her answer? Oh, I yelled a lot.

I have cherished that memory, because I knew she had it harder than I did, but she didn’t say so. She didn’t say anything unrealistically perfect about how she managed and it wasn’t really self deprecating either. It was real. Maybe because the grandma I grew up knowing was unflappable. I can no more imagine her yelling than I can imagine her getting up on stage and doing the can-can. But I believe her and somehow imagining her yelling in the throws of her own overwhelm has helped me greatly over the years in mine.
courtney
May 29th, 2010 @ 12:59 pm

The first year of motherhood was the absolute hardest of my life. It wasn’t just having a baby though– it was the hormones, and adjusting to staying home full-time, and missing school, and not knowing was I was doing, and dealing with my husband looking for work, etc. Now I look back and wish I had taken advantage of having a baby who just stayed put all day long! I learned a lot of patience though, which helps me with my 2 year-old daughter now, and I also have a little more perspective, realizing that once she is older, I’ll wish I had taken advantage of this time. I think I am doing a little better at enjoying my current stage.
Sometimes my oldest sister (who has four kids) chuckles at my inability to handle one kid, but for the most part, I appreciate that she (and most of the more-experienced mothers in my life) can just relate to me. Being a mother of one is my reality, and it was equally as difficult for them when they were in my position. Thank goodness they have the perspective to tell me that things will get better– even if they know that there are also a lot of difficulties ahead.
MelissaPete
May 29th, 2010 @ 1:02 pm

Even when I can “one-up”, I don’t. I don’t even feel like it because I’ve learned that our life experience is not only our own, but we don’t get to live someone else’s life so that we can compare. They didn’t have shows like wife swap or mom swap or whatever when I was a kid. The Refiner’s fire can get so hot at times that it seems unbearable, but having passed through a bit of that experience, I can say that I wouldn’t trade it for the wisdom we gain after the refining. Whenever I think about the times that I have endured the heat, I have an immediate sense of humility and gratitude because it is at those times that I have felt closest to the Savior.

Thank you for your post and beautifully expressed feelings. I am happy to be reminded of the refining and the blessings that come as I start my day today.
Angie f
May 29th, 2010 @ 1:21 pm

That was actually 2 boys and a girl in my life and story.
rk
May 29th, 2010 @ 7:35 pm

Having one child can be very hard. In many ways it is harder than having two or three children. There are so many adjustments that come with a first child just as you stated. In addition to that you have to learn how to take care of a baby. I have learned a lot about taking care of children since having the first which has made having subsequent children easier, but it takes time get to that point.

I understand the sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation can make it so difficult to think strait and to enjoy your children. I don’t care if you have one or five children, I have empathy for a sleep deprived mother.
Tay
May 29th, 2010 @ 10:04 pm

I hate to steal this from lovely Stephanie, but she’s been talking a lot about lack of sleep and mothers on her blog lately (http://diapersanddivinity.com/2010/05/24/the-post-ill-wish-i-didnt-write-tomorrow/#more-2667).

And man oh man is it true that “Sleep deprivation in a mother leads to murder.” Or at least extreme visits of the crazies. I was grateful in a way that my awesome postpartum anxiety-at-night started after my son began sleeping through the night. At first I was upset that I couldn’t get a full night’s sleep but what if it had happened when I was getting less sleep? When my hormones were off their rocker? That was a learned tender mercy.

Tonight I was so grateful to the woman in my ward who didn’t one-up me. I was having a hard pregnancy day and gave a brief complaint out loud (thanks goodness it was brief!). Then I found out later from somebody else what she’d been through. That was an amazing example she gave to me tonight. I hope I can be more like that.
twolittlehands
May 30th, 2010 @ 10:53 am

Motherhood is the brave thing to do. I just wish I didn’t feel so much like a coward.

Thanks for your insights!
Giggles
May 31st, 2010 @ 12:18 pm

One-uppers are just prideful. It’s taking pride in their trials. “My trials are better than your trials.” Once I was able to identify it as pride, it became a lot easier for me to dismiss it when it happens.

I realized that’s what it was when I was in a Relief Society lesson and a sister said that unless you’ve stayed up all night with a baby and gotten no sleep than you have no idea what life is really like and how hard it can be. And I found myself in the back of the room giving her a stink eye and thinking of all the trials I had in my life (that didn’t involve kids) that she’d never know anything about. And then I realized I was being prideful and so I kept my mouth shut.