Taking The Long Way Home

Posted by Guest | June 28, 2009 | 31 Comments

Amanda is a thirty-something stay at home mom who enjoys creating with the written word, fabric, cashmerino yarn, and produce from her garden. Most of her time however is spent picking up after adorable children, wiping noses and searching for the always missing Sunday shoe. While born and raised in Utah, she now hails proudly from New England and sporadically blogs at Down East Family. (Names in the story have been changed)

amanda_3052c The autumn morning began before the sun’s rays came creeping over the peaks of the Wasatch mountains. Cameron was crying unconsolably and at 19 years I knew little about how to soothe a fussy newborn. It was nearly 4:00 am when I did as so many other new mothers do when they need help, I called my mother.

“Mom,” I said through sobs, “ he’s crying and I can’t get him to stop. I think he knows what’s going to happen.”

“It’s OK, I’ll be right there” she whispered in her hoarse middle of the night voice.

What was probably fifteen minutes seemed like hours as she navigated the streets up to the hospital. Quietly she opened the door to my hospital room, cradled her first grandchild in her arms and rocked him back to sleep.

* * * *

Hours later with eyes swollen from lack of sleep and tears, the days events were running as scheduled. Events that had been carefully planned out days, weeks in advance to make the most of our brief time together. The birth father and I had each picked out a children’s book to read alone with Cameron. We dressed him in a new outfit of our choosing. A father’s blessing was administered jointly by the birth grandfathers.

At the appointed time my social worker from LDS Social Services arrived with an armful of paperwork. It was the only time I was not happy to see her loving face. My uterus contracted with pain; a subtle insult to injury that I wasn’t allowed my narcotic pain medication until after signing the legal documents. The birth father and I sat at the edge of my hospital bed, with Cameron lying in between us. One nurse stood in the doorway as a witness and shed silent tears. In one sentence I acknowledged that I was his legal birth mother, and then signed that right away while his wrinkled newborn fingers laced around my pointer in the Palmer Grasp reflex. The emotional and physical pain of that moment was almost more than I could bear. The small hospital room was thick with the Spirit and I sensed that we were not alone. The Lord says in Doctrine & Covenants 84: 88, “And whoso receiveth you there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

Riding home in the back of my parents car with an empty womb and empty arms my thoughts turned to the experiences that brought me to this decision…

Pages torn from wedding magazines littered my bedroom floor as I searched for an empire waisted dress to hide my expanding belly. My freshman year of college was over and I was four months pregnant, living at home with my parents and two time zones away from my boyfriend. Long nightly phone calls were an emotional roller coaster as Ben’s dialogue turned from marriage to another option: adoption. My nightly prayer to God was that he would change Ben’s heart and tell him that our child deserved a two parent home and he therefore should take responsibility and marry me.

Then came the night that will forever be imprinted on my soul. The night when I poured out my fears to a loving Father in Heaven, who, when I was humble enough to ask His will for this child, spoke to my heart and enlightened my mind. From that night on I knew the child I was carrying, although biologically my relation was not mine to raise in this life. I realized that part of his mission on earth was to change the course of my life and to help me find my way back to the gospel.

Empowered with this knowledge my focus changed as I became a vessel to help Cameron find his family. The first file I read at my social worker’s office sent a lightning bolt through my body. His home had been found. One week before Cameron entered this world, Ben and I met his parents in a small room at LDS Social Services. Tidal waves of love and hate crashed through my heart. Love because they were happily married in a house of the Lord, had completed education, went to Lake Powell every year, were prepared to receive this child into their family. Hate for all the same reasons. Someday I wanted to be just like them.

* * * * *

Two years later my social worker was the last person out of the sealing room in the Salt Lake Temple to congratulate my husband and I on our marriage. We embraced and I whispered in her ear “I made it”. “Yes you did” she whispered back, “yes you did”.

Comments

31 Responses to “Taking The Long Way Home”

Justine
June 28th, 2009 @ 1:15 pm

Amanda, what a tender and stretching experience. It’s so painful in the midst of these kinds of experiences, but what a great blessing to see the ways we grew, and the blessings you helped bring to pass for another family.

Thank you for sharing this lovely writing and beautifully honest time in your life.
Julie P
June 28th, 2009 @ 3:39 pm

That was incredibly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself.
jenny
June 28th, 2009 @ 4:02 pm

I was on the other side of that equation. I understand the love and the hate. There are so many emotions there, that unless you are priviliged to witness such a sacrifice, you can’t even imagine their intensity or depth.
My beautiful{adopted}daughter was also given a father’s blessing by her biological grandfather and then her new adoptive father. Many priesthood bearers from *all* sides of her family were there. It was absolutely beautiful, and I hope that it brought our birth mother some of the peaceful comfort she deserved. I think it did. It was a powerfully spiritual experience with no dry eyes.
Your writing was lovely and your some of your experiences, thoughts, impressions and “enlightenment” sound so much like those that were shared with me by our birth mother. Thank you for your honest sharing of such a tender time. It brought me back seven years and I loved the reminder.
Uprooted
June 28th, 2009 @ 4:12 pm

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Amanda, for reminding me (on a day when I badly needed the reminder) that just because a decision is right doesn’t mean it will be without pain.
Selwyn
June 28th, 2009 @ 4:16 pm

“…my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.”

So many angels, so many evidences of His love for everyone.

Thank you for sharing.
Sarah
June 28th, 2009 @ 4:35 pm

Thank you for sharing this beautiful, heartfelt piece of yourself. I admire your goodness and sincerity, and can feel of your pure spirit. Love you!!
Luisa Perkins
June 28th, 2009 @ 5:01 pm

How lovely and brave.
Carol
June 28th, 2009 @ 5:25 pm

A masterpiece, revealing the the power of love, sacrifice, and courage. Thank you.
Tamlynn
June 28th, 2009 @ 6:44 pm

I love this piece. Thank you so much for sharing.
Lindsey
June 28th, 2009 @ 7:10 pm

Amanda,
What a beautifully written recount of an amazing part of you. You bless so many other people by sharing it here. Thank you. You are such a peaceful, pure woman.
Katie
June 28th, 2009 @ 8:50 pm

This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
Jennie
June 28th, 2009 @ 9:26 pm

This was lovely and heartwrenching. I hope we get to hear more from you!
La Yen
June 28th, 2009 @ 9:27 pm

Thank you so much. I wish my daughter’s birth mother could find her way back. I wish she could have an understanding of the happiness that she could receive if she were to choose to live in accordance with the gospel. Like you, she had many beautiful experiences, and felt the ministering of angels. We wish she would remember the promises and love and hope that she felt when she gave us her child.
Your bravery and example and love is amazing. I am so grateful that you shared this piece of your life.
m&m
June 28th, 2009 @ 10:33 pm

I’m speechless.
shannon
June 28th, 2009 @ 10:34 pm

tears. streaming. down. my. face!

Like always, beautifully written.

Beautiful!
Dayna Baldwin
June 28th, 2009 @ 11:24 pm

Thank you.
I was adopted as a baby.
Amy
June 29th, 2009 @ 8:56 am

Thanks for sharing. I have wondered many times if I did the right thing by keeping my daughter. Her biological father certainly thought it was a selfish thing I did. I, too, went to LDS services and met with families. I feel so much better knowing that if it had been right, I certainly would have had an experience like yours. I, too was later married in the temple and we have all been sealed together. A million thanks for being so honest.
kristi
June 29th, 2009 @ 10:52 am

Forever a gift you have that is given every time you share this story or when someone reads this.
You have taught me today the power of changing ones life.
You are brave, honest, caring, darn cute and wonderful!!
Thank you a million times over for blessing those of us who have read this today.
Jenny
June 29th, 2009 @ 11:01 am

How heartbreaking, courageous and lovely…
Laura
June 29th, 2009 @ 12:15 pm

so touching~
I have SUCH admiration for all young women willing to make this choice. I can’t imagine the courage this must have taken! Thank you for sharing your story.
Amanda L.
June 29th, 2009 @ 5:39 pm

Thank you to everyone for your generous remarks and comments. I am thankful to Segullah for providing a postive place for us as women to share these ‘stretching’ experiences..and to know that there is so much more that we have in common than we may think.
Nightingale
June 29th, 2009 @ 8:42 pm

Dear one, how i wish I could get my husband’s heart to hear your story, as I long so much to be able to adopt someday. Waht a powerful witness you have. Thank you for your courage in sharing it with us. love- NG.
brooke
June 29th, 2009 @ 10:44 pm

Love you. & your whole story. Thank you for it.
april
June 30th, 2009 @ 6:29 am

whoa, amanda, at first i thought you were writing about someone else. what courage to share this story. you are the first friend i know of in this situation who chose this path. i feel you have been amazingly blessed for your sacrifice. i just couldn’t picture you with anyone else but your hubby! thanks for reminding us that even spiritual giants (because yes, that’s what you are) make mistakes. thanks for having enough love to make it through what must have been an unimaginable sacrifice. as always, thank you for moving something inside of us with your writing. i hope segullah publishes more of you.
Merry Michelle
June 30th, 2009 @ 9:51 am

Beautiful; God bless you.
birdieDC
June 30th, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

you made it! what a great line and a wonderful story. I love that the Lord provides a way for beauty and love and celebration even through less than ideal situations!
Laurie
June 30th, 2009 @ 11:58 pm

Amanda ~ I am so so proud of you! And I love You ~
Amanda D
July 1st, 2009 @ 9:16 am

Beautiful post. I loved it so much. Thanks so much for sharing. I pray for the birthmother in our lives, and I hope she found the same happiness you have.
Karen
July 17th, 2009 @ 8:39 pm

Amanda, excellent work . . . . Your experience is a teacher.
Jill S.
July 24th, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

Amanda this is beautiful. I can only imagine how difficult and life-changing such an experience must have been for you, but how wonderful that it brought you back to the gospel and led you to your current life.
Wendy
January 20th, 2010 @ 8:12 pm

I am rather emotional about this wonderful post. I have been blessed by adoption and feel gratitude to our birth mother every day for giving me my wonderful child. Thank you for sharing things from your point of view. I really feel like adoption is such a miracle.