It’s Nothing To Be Ashamed Of

Posted by Angela | May 14, 2008 | 22 Comments

My great-grandmother, Mary Leona Johnson Jolley, was born in 1888. She lived to be 95 years old, and although she died when I was only eleven, I remember her well. She was a mother of nine from a small town in southern Utah, and even without the benefit of much formal education she was formidably intelligent: a poet, a thinker, a writer and a reader. By the time I knew her she had written probably thousands of poems, studied hundreds of subjects, and penned a number of personal histories. If she’d been born in 1988 instead of 1888, she’d probably be one of the next generation of Segullah women.

One particular memory: I am ten or so, visiting her near the end of her life. She is blind and bent and wearing a shawl—the picture of frail old-womanhood. She reaches out and grasps my arm with her gnarled, age-spotted hand.

“I hear you are a poet,” she tells me. Her hand shakes, but her voice is strong.

A patriotic poem of mine had recently been published in some local newsletter for the Republican party. My grandma, her daughter, had submitted it. (My grandma still has it, framed, somewhere. And I, unfortunately, recall one of my scintillating couplets: “There’s President Reagan, that loyal man / And feeding the needy’s a wonderful plan!” Yes, yes, thank you very much.)

I am nervous about answering her. I had written some poems, yes, but I wasn’t a poet. At least not like my Great-grandma Jolley was a poet. I’d seen the leather-bound compilations of all her work. Those were the works of a poet. I was just a kid.

“I guess so,” I answer. “Maybe.”

“Don’t say ‘maybe’!” she admonishes me. “Say, ‘yes, I am a poet!’ It is nothing to be ashamed of.”

I remember being startled and embarrassed and strangely energized by the whole exchange. Embarrassed because I’d answered the question incorrectly, but energized because my great-grandma thought I was a poet, and wanted me to think of myself as one, too.

As an adult, I’ve read my great-grandmother’s personal history and have learned more about her. As a young woman, she longed for formal education, for books, for people with whom she could discuss interesting ideas. She secretly wished she could have been a school teacher. In the midst of having nine children, she worked full time as a postmistress and struggled off an on with illness. Her life was demanding and often difficult, but at the end of it all she felt grateful and complete. Her wisdom was hard won, and I’d like to share a little bit of it with all of you.

The following excerpt is from her personal history. There aren’t any dates, so I’m guessing from the surrounding information that she’s in her early twenties and is struggling with a bout of illness. She’s directed this particular entry to a friend who’s studying to be a teacher. (I don’t know if it’s a letter she saved, or if she copied it down in her journals). And even though it was written nearly a hundred years ago, and even though I’ve read it now many times, it never fails to resonate with me:

“It has been 18 months since I have been able to do much of anything. But there is never a loss without some small gain. I really have been blessed with time to read, and didn’t feel guilty as the doctor said I shouldn’t do anything. In my selfish heart I was almost glad, only I have been such a burden on the folks. But Jesse [her husband] has been so kind and mother and the girls so helpful.

“I have been ashamed of being so useless, but have enjoyed the wonderful privilege of living ‘in another world,’ or so it seemed. You see, I never realized how very ignorant I was until the Relief Society outlined literature classes for the women. This caused an awful uproar because the Church was teaching the women to read novels. Well, I was secretary at that time and one of the first projects was a debate on the lives of writers. We chose ‘Resolved that Hawthorne was a Greater Writer Than Whittier.’ I was to take the side of Hawthorne, and didn’t know whether he was a blacksmith or a policeman. It happened that the MIA had just . . . taken up a collection for a small library. I found a book by Hawthorne and some poems by Whittier. These were a revelation to me, and awoke such a desire for knowledge.

“A neighbor had moved back to Tropic and through some deal had a large number of books. She offered to let me read them all. I believed I knew what it was like to be a famished wandered at an oasis in the desert. I just devoured them, about two or more volumes a week. There was a set of E.P. Roe tales of New England that seemed like they were so real and inspiring; then a set of Jane Austens, which transported me to England among the upper class of wealthy people. This was so refreshing, so different, such a new phase of life.

“I read everything and was so thrilled to be enjoying myself so much. And oh, how I wanted to talk to someone and discuss the different ideas. I was so overwhelmed with the great poems; sometimes my soul feels so full of poetry that I am afraid it will spill over, even without ‘schooled language.’ I felt maybe I was absorbing some of the things you were getting in school. Of course, I’m not jealous of you, but all the while you were in Beaver, I have been sort of living with you, enjoying your success.”

A few things stand out to me in this excerpt from my great-grandmother’s life. First, I identify with her love of reading. I also identify with the guilt she carries around as a result of that love. Although I’m not a mother of nine born in the 19th century, I, too, have found myself buried in a book for hours on end, and when I finally come up for air, I’m (sometimes!) “ashamed of being so useless.” Compared to some of the women I know, though—women who used to like to read, once upon a time, but now feel too guilty doing anything that requires them to sit still—I’m an unabashed lazy-bones bookworm. How many women do you know (or are you one of them?) who only allows herself to read when she’s nursing a baby? Or on the elliptical trainer? Perhaps it’s because reading is so pleasurable. When we read, are we so “thrilled to be enjoying [ourselves] so much” that it’s hard to allow ourselves that joy very often? Are we so taken with the idea that every minute of our day should be spent in the pursuit of quantifiable outcomes like a shiny floor or a balanced checkbook—and that the pursuit should be hard, it should be work—that we revert back to the mentality of our hardworking ancestors, suspicious of anything easy and pleasant?

My great-grandmother also reminds me how good I have it. How much I should be grateful for. I’ve had access to an education. I have so many books that I’ve run out of places to put them. I’m part of a community of LDS women—smart, passionate, interesting, really fun women—who understand me and the way I think, so when I feel my own soul “so full of poetry I’m afraid it will spill over,” well, I have friends who have felt that way too. (Go Segullah!) I have all of this, and I get to be a mother and a wife and a member of the church. And even though I’m quite sure my great-grandmother wouldn’t have changed the course of her life after living it, I also realize that she probably looks down on me and thinks, “Don’t waste these opportunities. Don’t forget how much you’ve been blessed.”

So, in honor of my Great-grandmother Mary Leona, I’ll keep on writing and reading and talking and learning. I’ll try to remember how lucky I am to have shelves full of Austen and Whittier and Hawthorne (and Robinson and Morrison and Cunningham). I’ll take pleasure in the many opportunities I have to learn new things about the world, and to discuss these things with like-minded people who don’t judge me (much!) for my choices. And in the middle of the day, when my little guy’s napping, I’ll sit on the couch in the sun and read because it gives me joy and fills me up. And that’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Category: Exploring LDS Lit

Comments

22 Responses to “It’s Nothing To Be Ashamed Of”

Tiffany
May 15th, 2008 @ 7:51 am

Oh that was just beautiful. I think my favorite line from your great-grandmother’s journal “sometimes my soul feels so full of poetry that I am afraid it will spill over”. That is very moving.

I was an unashamed bookworm until I had children. When my kids were young, I spent a lot of time reading while they played or slept.

Then we moved to Sweden. The library, fortunately, had a decent selection of books, but I couldn’t lose myself for hours in books because I would have gone through the whole library in one year. I had to pace myself.

One thing I have done to assauge my guilt about reading is actually listening to books on tape and CD. I feel enormously motivated to keep my house clean and do my dishes when I can listen to books on tape. And I don’t feel one bit guilty about it.

Now that I am back in the U.S., going to the library is such a strange treat. I am surrounded by stacks of book just waiting to be read and I can hardly take it in. Like a starving woman, I have to take in my books slowly so I can get used to so much reading again.
Darlene
May 15th, 2008 @ 9:37 am

Beautiful, Angela.
Angela
May 15th, 2008 @ 11:16 am

Tiffany, I think books on tape are a great idea. And I know the feeling of being surrounded by books and not knowing where to begin. Right now I have a backlog of 5 titles just waiting for me. (I’m in the middle of Ella Minnow Pea, my ward’s book club selection this month. Interesting book, if a little odd.)

I would love to know how the rest of you fit reading and writing into the nooks and crannies of your day. Writing can be especially problematic for me, because in order to write well I’ve got to go into my “cone of silence” mode–don’t look at me, don’t touch me, don’t even whisper my name, etc etc. I find it hard to write productively when the kids are around and end up doing a lot of it at night, or during naptime. Or not at all. To be perfectly honest, I’m not writing as much as I would like to be, and the main reason is my nooks and crannies are already so full. And I’m so tired a lot of the time. And writing isn’t like reading for me–a relaxing respite. It’s WORK. But it’s work I love, too, and want to keep doing.

Anyway, what’s your answer to this question? When women you know look at you in that (admittedly kinda judgmental) way and say, “How do you find the time to read?” . . . what is your answer?
Wendy
May 15th, 2008 @ 11:29 am

That really was beautiful, Angela. It was a wonderful treat after staying up too late with a sleep-resistant baby!

For your new questions, I read during my son’s naps mostly. I also read my books to him, if I can’t find anything else to soothe him (sometimes it enthralls him, other times it doesn’t work). I don’t think I could make much time to read when he is awake. I wonder how I’ll do it as he gets older and naps less. I have let the house rest while I read, sometimes a little too much, but I’ve never kept a spotless house so it’s easy to rationalize that.

As for writing, I write when he naps, too. But I find it generally harder to write since he came because I have mommy brain. I really relate to your “cone of silence” mode. If my husband walks into the office, with or without our son, I cannot write a thing. I’m trying to figure out if late nights or early mornings will be better to focus.
Kate
May 15th, 2008 @ 2:00 pm

I once read an interesting study that might assuage some of us of our guilt AND be a good comback for those “How ever do you find the time to laze about and read?” questions.

The study found that mothers who read often for pleasure and particularly “to the exclusion of other activities”(like dishes??) had children were much more likely to become avid readers themselves.
I guess seeing mom lost in — and clearly enjoying– a book makes kids see reading as a pleasure rather than a duty. Sounds like a win-win to me!
angie f
May 15th, 2008 @ 3:15 pm

To answer Angela’s questions on time for reading: Aside from reading when I should be long asleep, while nursing babies, or when I should be doing something else, I try to arrive a smidge early to pick up kids from various locations (school, piano, activity days, etc) and read while I wait. That may become too expensive this summer to keep the car running w/ A/C in the Vegas heat, but I just may do it anyway.
Wendy
May 15th, 2008 @ 4:53 pm

Kate, I LOVE the results of that study. I’m passing that on to a friend or two!
jennie w.
May 15th, 2008 @ 6:57 pm

Your great-grandma really makes me appreciate books a lot more. It’s hard to believe that there was a time in the recent past when reading and books were complete luxuries.
Sharlee
May 15th, 2008 @ 11:09 pm

Angela, what an extraordinary woman your great-grandmother was. Now I understand where you (and your amazing siblings) got it! Did you clean up Mary Leona’s spelling and punctuation or did she really write just like that? How much schooling did she have? This variety of woman fascinates me. She sounds like a real-life Sarah Agnes Prine (with much better grammar!).

As for finding time to read, I always have a book stashed away in the car for all those “waiting for the kids” times (currently it’s Angle of Repose). I also have one or two near the Great White Throne in the bathroom, a couple next to my reading chair in my office, and a whole stack on my bedside stand.

Whenever anyone asks me how I find the time to read, I just stare at them like they’re speaking a foreign language or asking the most ridiculous question on earth (which, in fact, they are!). “How do you find the time to breathe?” I asked once, in response. I was the one who got the blank stare that time.

Honestly, though, we all find the time to do what we must–and some of us must read.
Karen
May 16th, 2008 @ 8:58 am

Your Great-Grandmothers thoughts really are beautiful. I am grateful for books and reading. I am one of those people who has to read. I agree with Sharlee “We all find time to do what we must”

And Kate shared that study about mothers who read for pleasure were more likely to have avid readers. I have four children who are already avid readers. (Ever have to talk with teachers about how your kid reads too much during school? I have.) I have four more children who love to have stories read to them but will also spend time looking at books by themselves. I am a real believer in reading parents make reading kids, because I’ve seen it with my family and other families.(as well as seeing the opposite, parents who don’t read having kids who don’t want to read.)

This post reminds me to be grateful to have been blessed to have books and be able to read them!
Angela
May 16th, 2008 @ 9:31 am

Kate, great study. And I believe it! My kids are all readers and consider their before-bed reading time to be precious. It might be partly genetic, but I also think modeling reading is very important.

Angie, I have a New Yorker in my van and just read a really cool article about talking parrots while waiting for my son to get done with baseball practice.

Sharlee, the book that I have is a compilation of my great-grandma’s writing and was put together in 1953. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know if my great-grandma compiled it or if her children did, but it’s all typed. I’m assuming the person who typed it cleaned up any grammar and spelling mistakes that were most probably there in the original. And I love “how do you find time to breathe!”

Karen, my oldest got in a bit of trouble last parent teacher conf. because he was reading instead of paying attention. Reading too much CAN be a bad thing sometimes!
Kathryn Soper
May 16th, 2008 @ 3:44 pm

Angela, you know you’ve got at least one ancestor whooping and hollering in the spirit world over the success of your novel!
Maralise
May 16th, 2008 @ 3:54 pm

I want to meet this lady on the other side. As far as answering your question…when do I read? Whenever. I read on the toilet, I read while I eat, I read before bed, I read while I’m walking (I have a funny story about this actually), while I’m riding the bus. I’m an opportunity reader…and I find that I get a lot of reading done that way. And I also enjoy getting sick, bed rest, and hospital stays because I can read all I want, guilt free.
Emily M.
May 16th, 2008 @ 10:45 pm

Mara, I got really sick a few weekends ago, and I had just been to the library, and it was so nice. I really did feel too ill to be useful, but not too sick to read, and I read like five books in one day. Ahh.

Angela, I love your grandma. And I feel embarrassed to admit that I … want to write, too. See, I can’t really even type “that I’m a writer.” It feels not true to me, still. I am like the Velveteen Rabbit–I need something to make me feel Real.
Zina
May 18th, 2008 @ 9:15 pm

I just loved reading this post. So much food for thought.

I agree with Sharlee that you have done your great-grandmother proud. I’m making my newly-formed ward book group read your book in August, and I also felt clever when I realized your book will make a great hostess gift when we stay with relatives next month.
Angela
May 18th, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

Zina, thank you! And if you’re in Utah, I’m available to attend book clubs if you’d like.
Zina
May 19th, 2008 @ 10:06 am

Wow, that’s a great offer, thanks. I’m in Orem. I’ll wait to see if the book club gets rolling (they’ve tried before and it hasn’t really “taken”) because I dont’ want to waste your time if there won’t be mcuh of a turnout. We’re planning to read your book in August.
Barb
May 19th, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

I feel like your great-grandma and I are kindred spirits! I would love to see a sample of her poetry and more journal entries. And you seem pretty cool too being related to your great-grandma and a poet in your own right.
Virtual Oases, May 20 « The Exponent
May 20th, 2008 @ 6:38 pm

[...] “You are a poet”: A cool experience with a fabulous foremother [...]
Tiffany
May 21st, 2008 @ 6:56 pm

I guess I must be out of the loop, but could you please tell me the title of the book Angela published?
Wendy
May 22nd, 2008 @ 1:08 am

It looks like it’s “Bound On Earth.” If you click on her name, it goes to her web-site. I hadn’t heard of it either, so you’re not the only one out of the loop. I think it’s on my to-read list now, though!
Angela
May 22nd, 2008 @ 9:12 am

Tiffany, Wendy’s right. My book is called Bound on Earth and it’s a novel in stories about a contemporary Mormon family. You can check out what readers have had to say on Amazon or Goodreads or read some of the reviews on my website to find out more about it. Thanks!