Through My Window

Posted by Guest | February 28, 2010 | 21 Comments

Stephanie is a not-so-young mom of three young children. Her daily life consists mostly of caring for her family, finding matching socks, thinking of something to make for dinner, reading or writing something that uplifts her, and occasionally shaving her legs. Stephanie blogs about finding faith in the trenches of motherhood at Diapers and Divinity.

The morning was a cozy morning at my house. Grant went off to kindergarten. Clark and Natalie sat on my bed and read books, then colored pictures at the kitchen table. I felt kind of lazy, and did some dishes and talked on the phone. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day. At one point, I looked out the window and saw big beautiful snowflakes dancing around in the air. They were the magical, floating kind that are perfect for postcards and winter photos. I admired them for a few minutes and then remembered that the high temperature was in the teens, and the wind chill lately had been brutal. I realized that it wasn’t nearly as lovely out there as it looked through my window, and I was glad to be inside.

I don’t regularly spend my days having deep thoughts, but in this case, my observation led me to ponder some things. So I chose to do my scripture study on judgment, particularly to think about how I see others. Perhaps you don’t make the same mistake I do, but I tend to look at other moms as the ones that have it all together. Their kids always look so magazine-ready, and when I stop by their home it’s freaking spotless compared to mine, or they show up right on time to a meeting when I haven’t been on time to anything for years . . . you get the picture. The way they do motherhood looks all lovely through my window.

But, I imagine that if I stopped peeping jealously at them, and actually stepped out into their real lives, I might find out that conditions are much more harsh than I imagined. We ALL struggle. The wind blows on us all. The trick is trying to see people the way that God sees them, not the way they look through our window, and then treating them as such.

Here is an edited version of 1 Samuel 16:7 to show what clicked for me: “But the Lord said unto [me], Look not on [that mom’s] countenance [or the way things appear], or on the height of [her] stature [like how much great stuff she does]; … for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” I know that normally we look at this scripture in a reverse way–like don’t judge the scary looking homeless guy because he might be really nice inside–but it was important for me to realize that people who seem to have it all together probably don’t in their hearts. They hurt, they need friends, too, and they wish for love and acceptance as much as I do. In short, I should recognize more “service projects” out there (and I mean that in the kindest way) instead of seeing myself as the only one.

Here are a few more scriptures that got me thinking. We’re all familiar with this concept: “For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again” (Matthew 7:2). Assuming that Jesus Christ perfectly showed us the example in this, the right way to judge must mean seeing people as they really are, acknowledging their weaknesses/needs, loving them anyway, and offering help. I mean, seriously, thank goodness He judges me that way. I love this scripture in that context:
Acts 10:34–
“Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons.”

I’ve never grasped what that means, to not be a respecter of persons, but the footnote pointed to this scripture:
Acts 15: 9–
”And [God] put no difference between us and them, purifying their hearts by faith.”

In other words, in God’s eyes, every single one of us has access to and a NEED for the atonement of his Son. We are all the same amount of preciousness and neediness to Him. In fact, true and righteous judgment seems to have nothing to do with looking harshly at someone, but it gives HOPE to the person being judged.

Jeremiah 10:24–
“O Lord, correct me, but with judgment; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing.”

Anyway, the view out my window was eye-opening (perhaps heart-opening is a better word) for me. So in the spirit of a long, cold winter, I say let it snow, let it snow, let it snow, but let me step past my window and show up more often with my shovel because other people need help too, just like I do.

Comments

21 Responses to “Through My Window”

traci
February 28th, 2010 @ 7:00 am

I have a lot of problems with this judging the “doing well, looking well.” When my husband and I go somewhere I am always looking at the women and wondering if I am dressed appropriately, because “of course they are”. I lok at women with well tailored clothes and properly matching outfits and am always sure they did not have trouble doing that. That of course their houses are perfect and they never have a hard time figuring what to have for dinner or how to cook it, on time.

The tables were turned for me a few years ago, though that taught me quite a lesson. I was at a fellowship meeting and a young lady was speaking and I commented and gave a suggestion and I thought encouragement like the others did. She turned to me and said – “What would you know about life in a skirt?”
I had no answer it sounded so absurd! But not more absurd than what I do questioning and comparing myself to others.

It especially means much to me today the idea that the atonement is also needed for the “well put together”. That gives me a leveling plane with everyone no matter how I view them.
Thank you for recording your musings.
Lindsay
February 28th, 2010 @ 9:59 am

As someone who constantly feels a dearth in “womanly” skills, especially because of the seemingly rampant cultural expectation that Mormon women must keep a clean, well-decorated home on top of having dinner ready at 6 sharp every night and being beautiful and charming and intelligent (or maybe I’m adding the intelligent , this resonates well with me. I have many gifts and talents, but I struggle to keep a clean, organized home. I’m never on top of my laundry, and my “craft” attempts are generally laughable. It is painful sometimes to visit other women in their homes and see that what I struggle so much with comes naturally to them. So often, though, I think we compare our areas of greatest weakness with others’ areas of greatest strength. So even if some of these women truly do have it more “together” than I do in their homes, perhaps I have more areas of relative strength than I realize.
wendy
February 28th, 2010 @ 3:15 pm

I enjoyed this, Stephanie! Thank you for the scriptural insights, too. It seems that in doing this sort of judging, we are not only seeing others inaccurately, but ourselves as well. One of my favorite scripture references on judging is 1 Corinthians 3-5:

” . . . I judge not mine own self. For I know nothing by myself; yet am I not hereby justified: but he that judgeth me is the Lord. Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God.”
Sharlee
February 28th, 2010 @ 5:09 pm

What a great scripture, Wendy. And Stephanie, thank you for this beautiful post.
dalene
February 28th, 2010 @ 5:55 pm

This is a topic near and dear to my heart and you expressed your insights so beautifully. Thank you.
ErinAnn
February 28th, 2010 @ 6:26 pm

Sometimes I get treated as one of those “has it together” women. It’s far from true. I think that is why sometimes I don’t bother cleaning up my entirely-visible kitchen when I have company over, or letting a pile of toys linger in the hallway, and also why I’ve gotten very comfortable not wearing makeup.

It really sucks when people treat you like you’re not approacable. I have one friend who I *totally* thought was that way (and honestly her house is adorable and she homeschools her fantastically intelligent children and she always is “done up”, hair, big earrings and all.) but as I’ve gotten to know her, we just focus on different aspects of our lives.

I’m sure that’s how everyone else is too … or they have money for hiring Help.
Selwyn
February 28th, 2010 @ 6:36 pm

“Window moments” have taught me so much, and I always appreciate them (though usually after I’ve stopped feeling embarrassed/awful about how wrong I had been BEFORE the window moment…)And I always appreciate others sharing their own learnings – thanks for sharing Stephanie! The scripture chain that lead to Acts 15:9 was fantastic for me, so again, thank you!
Melissa M.
February 28th, 2010 @ 7:54 pm

Loved the insights and the scriptures, Stephanie. And I loved that you referred to the view from your window as “heart-opening.” I think if we all tried harder to open our hearts to one another, we’d find that we all have a lot more in common than we think, and that no one has a perfect or easy life. Thanks for this post!
Kristin
February 28th, 2010 @ 8:44 pm

I LOVED this post. So well written, and so full of beautiful insights.

The morning of my grandmother’s funeral I was a mess. I hadn’t had something black to wear, but had purchased a black skirt the night before. I got dressed that morning only to discover that the skirt looked awful with the only clean shirt I had. And I wanted to look nice, to feel better on this rough day.

The only shirt I had that would work was the one I had traveled in…sweating through the airport as I had sprinted to make a connecting flight in Phoenix.

In my desperate state, I ran it under cold water, using Johnson’s baby shampoo for soap, as that was what was handy, and I was starting to run very behind. My plan was mostly to clean out the underarm parts of the shirt, but the whole thing fell in and was soaked. I hand washed it as quickly as I could, beginning to really fret about how late I’d be.

A quick call to the front desk helped me locate the guest laundry. I was blessed enough to have the necessary quarters, and threw it in the dryer while I finished dressing the baby. Fortuneately, the shirt was of a quick drying fabric.

I finished smoothing my hair, putting the finishing touches on my makeup, retrieved the shirt, and sped to the chapel, with an aura of new baby smell about me. I felt stressed and worked hard at calming myself.

As I met with old friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years, I took in their comments on how great they thought I looked, or on how beautiful they thought my family was. (Though I had only taken the baby, I had a family portrait on hand, the best we’ve ever taken.)

I was struck by the fact that these people were judging me by that best foot I was putting forward. I wondered what they would have thought to see me scrubbing my shirt in the sink when I should have been leaving.

It’s a small illustration of the principle you’ve discussed here, but as one who is often judged as more than I may appear to be, I could so identify. I’m working more and more on seeing others as our Father in Heaven sees them…and trying to see myself that way too.

Thanks for this.
Cheri
February 28th, 2010 @ 9:34 pm

Stephanie, thanks for sharing this insightful new way to look at these scriptures. Wendy, thanks for a great addition to the chain.
Tay
February 28th, 2010 @ 10:27 pm

Stephanie – I always love your insight! For those of you who loved this, read her blog because she is just full of fantastic insight.

My neighbor for some reason thinks I’ve achieved some level of perfection because I use cloth diapers. For some reason the ability to keeps things together comes automatically with that. Right? I wish! She just has good timing to show up right after I’ve vacuumed.
Heather O.
February 28th, 2010 @ 10:31 pm

My job in life is to make other women feel better about their homemaking skills. I feel it is a service to others to have a messy house
Malisa
February 28th, 2010 @ 11:05 pm

I’ve struggled with this. It seems to come in waves, sometimes being so loud that I cannont progress, while yet at other times just a simple background reminder that somehow I am not enough.

Years ago I got the sense that some women saw me as more than I was, or rather, less than I was, having little depth. I worked at that perception and took my barriers and pretenses down. Thoroughly. Yet at times I still struggle with this in relation to others. Many dear friends of mine have told me that they came into their own in their 30′s. At 32, I’m hoping that is true.

This post was lovely and thought provoking. Thank you.
RunnerMom
February 28th, 2010 @ 11:45 pm

I second Malisa’s comments, esp. the part about the 30′s being a time of settling and acceptance. For me, this has been the case. I cringe at many, many moments of insecurity felt as a very young mom in my 20′s. Because I felt inadequate and inferior, I know that I missed out at enjoying could-have-been friendships.
I, too, have taken on Heather O.’s attitude. If someone is allowed a moment of peace by entering my cluttered-from-4-small-children home, peace at knowing their home is not so cluttered, then hooray. I don’t feel as much pressure to be a certain way or do things the way others do.
Of course, I haven’t arrived at peace now that I am the wise old age of 35, but I feel much more free to be me. Not just that, but I find I am able to recognize the strengths of other women without feeling threatened or inferior. And that feels fabulous.
m&m
March 1st, 2010 @ 2:34 am

This was a lovely post.

A thought I had is that this post to me opens up a powerful possibility — that maybe the expectations we *think* are embedded in the culture are more embedded w/in ourselves. I say that because I hardly know a woman who doesn’t wonder if she measures up, and it seems we talk about that more often than we ever did as women, and it’s talked about over the pulpit, too. And yet, we still are pretty relentless on ourselves — and sometimes, imo, we make the culture the reason for that problem instead of looking inward to what we are doing to ourselves.

I find that an empowering idea because then I don’t have to wait for the nebulous ‘culture’ to change in order for me to find more peace with the process of the sometimes very slow progress in my life…to not look side-to-side for a progress report, but to learn to look up more. Whenever I have done that, I sure feel a lot better…but it’s HARD to do, especially if the modus operandi (as mine has been) is to be a perfectionist and a self-doubter.

I appreciate the conscious self-reflection here in this post in the light of truths taught by the Savior, instead of in what is often the darkness of unhealthy thought patterns (where my mind so easily goes).
Kay
March 1st, 2010 @ 8:33 am

Nobody is completely together, no matter how they or their homes look. We all have an image whether we like it or not.

Some people see me and find me to be a great cook,or a woman who likes to vaccuum and keeps things tidy. To others I am seen as very organised and highly intelligent. There is also the title/image of Bishop’s wife that follows me around at church. Yet, there is more to me than all of that. There is the woman who loves the temple and teaching at church. There is the woman that grew up thinking she was ugly. There is the woman that craves another baby and cries every day over the ones she has lost. There is the woman that gets angry easily, especially with her oldest daughter. There is the woman that doesn’t feel good enough to be the wife of a Bishop, and worries that she may let him down by what she does and says.

We all have many facets, few get so close that they can see all of them.
Carrie
March 1st, 2010 @ 10:56 am

Loved this.

Just wanted to say that I second what m&m said about the expectations being embedded in ourselves rather than the culture.
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March 1st, 2010 @ 1:00 pm

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Steph @ Diapers and Divinity
March 1st, 2010 @ 2:15 pm

I loved reading your comments here and seeing the common threads among them. Yes, we are too harsh on ourselves– quick to see our own struggles, slow to see the struggles of others. There is a certain camaraderie that comes when we see each other as we really are: flawed individuals who excel at some things and flounder at others, people who need each other.
Sage
March 1st, 2010 @ 10:07 pm

Stephanie-Thanks for this great post. Wonderful insights.

It’s so hard sometimes not to compare ourselves. Those times I do glance covetously sideways are usually when I’m already feeling low about the real state of my eternal progression. When I’m filled with love and respect for my sisters at church, I don’t compare my messy house and extra pounds with their organization and marathon-thin bodies.

I love it when we all just feel like sisters. My ward excels at that–good thing for me since I tend toward self-doubt.
Charise
March 2nd, 2010 @ 12:39 pm

Stephanie, you are so wise!!!*sigh* Some of the happiest moments of my life have been getting together with a disparate group of women and talking and laughing and getting to know one another, without the insecurity and fear that so often accompanies us on our way about life. Realizing how valuable each one of us is (including ourselves) is the best gift we can give ourselves.