Two Mothers to One

Posted by Guest | December 27, 2009 | 10 Comments

Jenny Chamberlain married her high school sweetheart after making him wait until she was darn good and ready. She mothers, quilts, writes and photographs for fun. She bottles peaches and applesauce when coerced. She blogs about whatever flips her skirt at rowenasrantings.blogspot.com.

My shock from the divorce wore off several months into my father’s second marriage. I was nine. I curled up in fetal position in my room and finally cried for the loss of my mother. I missed her cooking in the kitchen in that awful blue muumuu with the tiny red paisleys. I missed the glass candy she coated with powdered sugar during the holidays. I cried because she knew when I lied about watching Fraggle Rock without permission.

While I cried, my stepmother came in my room, uncurled me, and held me. I wailed, “I want my mommy,” as she stroked my hair and held me. I let my emotional ache evaporate like water from a damp towel in the warmth of her arms. She mothered me, while I cried for a woman who was unfaithful and unapologetic.

My stepmother cooked lima beans and made me eat them. She brought a black and white border collie. She had served a mission in Paraguay. She taught me to fold origami cranes, and gather leaves and classify them in notebooks. I forgave her the lima beans and gradually fell in love. Her strength helped her wait a long time to get married, but it also enabled her to survive the trauma of being blessed with a husband and four divorce-shaken children at the same time.

I think my crying scarred my stepmother deeply. She loved us more and more as she mothered us, and I think her love had an angry twin who always wanted to lash out at the perceived cause of so many of our problems. I think my stepmother felt a righteous indignation and resentment toward my mother for her mistakes. That indignation has been like a contracted muscle that is seldom if ever able to ease.

My stepmom refused baby gifts from my mother, and never allowed her in the house. I learned from my stepmother’s experience that sometimes we have to forgive against our will. In those instances we can continually strive for peace from the Lord, but the peace may never mean a jovial friendship with someone who injured us and those we love.

My birth mother still suffers for all she lost. She hates Mothers Day at church. And I learned from her that some choices carry consequences that will never go away. We will have to eat them like water on our cold cereal every morning for the rest of our lives.

When I got married, my mothers both had to be in the same room at multiple points during the day. I carefully arranged the banquet table and receiving line to avoid putting my mothers together. Our joyous day was filled with mother unease. But in one way, my mothers are always together.

I inherited my stepmother’s practicality, her sense of humor, and her love of travel. But I cook candy in the kitchen during the holidays, in my blue muumuu with the loud Hawaiian flowers. I have my mother’s cheekbones, and I can tell with ease when my three-year-old lies to me about washing her hands. In one place—in me—these two women are always together.

What have you learned from your mother? Do you have more than one mother (in the traditional or non-traditional sense)? Has a stepmother made a positive difference for anyone else but me?

Comments

10 Responses to “Two Mothers to One”

Sue
December 27th, 2009 @ 9:24 am

This was beautiful Jenny. Thanks for sharing it.
Kevin Barney
December 27th, 2009 @ 10:17 am

A lovely post, Jenny.

The main inheritance I’ve received from my mother is a strong sense of empathy. As hard as it may be to believe, I’ve never heard my mother gossip or say anything mean-spirited about another human being. I can’t claim the same for myself, but through my mother’s influence I do have the capacity to put myself in others’ shoes and feel what they feel. Which is not always a good thing. But it is my mother’s gift to me, and one that I cherish.
Jamie
December 27th, 2009 @ 1:26 pm

I really needed this today. I’ve been struggling so much with my husbands step mom. She is so overbearing she ends up driving everyone nuts around her. The problem that all of her step kids have with her is that she doesn’t realize how much she just inserts herself in situations where it feels like she is demanding credit and love… her hatred for her husbands ex-wife (who had SEVEN children) spilled over onto me, as I was the first daughter-in-law and she wanted to be darn sure I knew how awful his mother is.
Although she (husbands birth-mother) is a total mess and we dont really even speak to her, she is – after all – my husbands mother. He is always struggling to come to grips that both of his parents dont support a relationship with the other. There is hatred, criticism and bitterness…
We try really hard to love and accept the step mother, but it is very challenging for all of us. She makes it hard to love her because of her annoying traits: she seems fake and vapid, talks crap about the wayward children in the family, she conceals things about her own two children to make them look perfect, and she will talk about herself for hours and hours overstay her welcome. On the other hand she is ever supportive, tries to always be positive, and loves our children.

This story really helped me to see that beyond how annoying this woman is, she loves my husband and our children very much, and our kids have someone to love them and spoil them – and they deserve all the love the world has to give them.
She’s not going to change… it’s going to have to be me that does the adjusting.
Alyssa
December 27th, 2009 @ 6:12 pm

I had a mother and three different stepmothers–at different times–growing up. There’s no denying that I have inherited some of my mother’s tender-hearted sensitivity and strong inclination for self-sacrifice, but I feel big pieces of myself would have been underdeveloped without the contributions of my stepmothers.

Stepmother #1 not only bought me my first bra, but as a teacher she nurtured the intellectual side of me with attention that my mother of 6 never just couldn’t give. Stepmother #2 wanted to celebrate when I got my first menstrual period, when my mother couldn’t even face me long enough to talk about it. We celebrated so many joys together. I remember stepmother #3 sitting on the couch with an eager smile as I clumsily plucked out the first song I learned on the guitar. Her attentiveness made her one of the few people I would sing in front of.

These women were there when my mother, scarred by her own four divorces, was emotionally distant and simply overwhelmed by raising six kids alone. What a tender mercy from God that out of divorce could grow such nurturing supplements for a young girl.
Jenny
December 28th, 2009 @ 1:00 pm

What blessed luck for all of you, that your stepmother is a woman that could mother you through your tears of loss. I’ve never experienced anything like what you have written. My parents never divorced, and my Mom has been my Mom through every joy and sorrow of my life. But I have learned the love of another mother through my mother-in-law. In many ways they are now “together-in me” as you have said. Especially in the way I now mother my own children. I am deeply grateful to both of them for the strengths they have nurtured in me. And it is one of my great joys that the mother who bore me and my mother by marriage are dear friends to each other.

Thank you for sharing your story Jenny.
Jessica
December 28th, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

Sorry – the previous comment comes from Jessica – not Jenny.
First timer.
Madison
December 28th, 2009 @ 11:55 pm

What a beautiful post. Thank you. I am a stepmother and can only hope my stepdaughters inherit something good from me. It is nice to hear a positive take on step-parents. Thank you, thank you.
Heather O.
December 29th, 2009 @ 12:18 am

Thanks for a wonderful post. I have 2 MILs–my husband’s mother, and his stepmother. My husband owes much to his stepmother, and she works hard to be a kick butt grandmother to my children. She had 7 grandchildren that weren’t biologically linked to her before her own daughter got pregnant, and I remarked to her that she was finally getting a biological grandchild, and how did it feel? Her eyes immediately filled with tears, and she said, “They are all mine, how could you think this one would be different?” I believed her when she said that, and more importantly, I know my children believe it.

I’m learning that with divorce, the scars are deep and may never fully be healed, and 10 years into my marriage, I’m still finding tender spots in DH’s family that surprise and puzzle me. When I express my confusion to my husband, he usually shrugs and says, ‘Your family has always been stable. Mine hasn’t.’ I think his stepmother faced the reality that families can fall apart, and worked hard to make sure that what happened to her first family didn’t happen to her second. Her efforts have paid off, and Dh and I both know that we owe her a great debt for her commitment.
Angie
December 29th, 2009 @ 12:50 am

Becoming a mother helps a woman to understand, forgive, honor, and appreciate her own mother. That being said – the mother-daughter relationship is just so COMPLICATED!!!! Thank God for women who give life to little babies. And for women who love other women’s children. And for women who help the women who are bearing and raising children. No one can do the job of raising a human being alone. We need each other so much.
sunny
December 29th, 2009 @ 3:24 pm

This post was beautiful. Thank you for expressing these sentiments so wonderfully.