As you said, Allie, there is value in being single. There is value in finding yourself. And Gilgamesh, you are so right, my dad has spent his life ‘doing things.’ He has many, many acquaintances but few true friends for emotional support. As children, we do the best we can.

This view, most likely, was started by a man.

I have worked in grief support for nearly 10 years and this is not uncommon. Men, in general, are not comfortable experiencing the deep pain of grief. They have spent their lives at work and busy doing “things.” Women, in general, are more social and build relationships throughout their lives. When a wife dies, the husband does not have an emotional support network to journey with him through the grief. I wife, again generally, does. To fill this voin, men quickly remarry – often to younger versions of their wife, or to the opposite – as if to remove reminders of the pain of the loss. Unfortunately families get lost in the mix.

When my mother died, my dad instantly began talking remarriage. We tald him to wait at least a year (grief takes time) before making any buig decisions. At the end of the year, he moved closer to my sisters and has the emotional support he has needed to deal with his grief. It has now been six years and remarriage has never come up. In my opinion he was lonely, but not in need of a wife. Had he remarried, it could have been disastrous for all involved. He is now happy and fulfilled.

Grief is not something you can sweep under the rug. It needs to be expressed. When remarriage occurs, if the grief is not dealt with – it has the potential to be expressed toward the children or new spouse.

If he truly loves this woman, he can wait a year to marry her.

So, in reference to your questions, at least from my perspective:

What do you think is an appropriate time frame to start dating after a death or a divorce?
6 months to a year

How can I watch my father kneel across the altar with this woman, share a home with her, create a new life, with my mother’s dying moments seared across my eyes?

I understand why this is so difficult for you. The dynamic of the family at the time of loss has a huge impact on what is an appropriate response. There definitely needs to be a healing time for the family as a whole, not just as individuals, in a situation like mine or where battling an illness was involved or soemthing similar like that. If it wasn’t just old age that took your mother’s life; if it was not expected; then timing is definitely an issue worth considering. This has impacted not only my/our relationship with my father but each other (siblings) as well. We have all healed in our own time frames and have learned that sensitivity to not being in the same place at the same time is crucial.

I hope that helps and I hope you find peace with this soon. hang in there.

I think the writers father could have presented the engagement in a more sensitive way and maybe chosen someone the family could accept, but he didn’t. He chose someone whom he has known for a long time. Someone HE is comfortable with and can see spending the rest of his life with. Maybe he is feeling some joy for the first time in a long time. We don’t know, but maybe his wife was sick for years and his transition to being alone has been taking place for this period of time. Loosing a parent and loosing a spouse is NOT the same.

I was bothered by this statement:

“We’ve tried to explain to my dad that remarriage this soon after mom’s death would mock her memory and damage his good reputation.”

I would be mad if my kids said that to me. I don’t agree that it would be a mockery or damage his reputation. That just seems overly dramatic to me.

Non of us knows the whole story of the writer and we’re only getting her side. All we can do is judge it from our own perspective/life experiences. Some comments will appear harsh and some more sympathetic.

I get you are saying but that analogy does not work for me. There is a huge difference betwen the love a parent has for a child and the love you have for your spouse. Of course I could love a gazillion children but druly deeply, commitedly, only love one spouse. We are counseled to become one flesh with our spouse and to make them our #1 priority. That just doesn’t work if you have 2 or more women who are supposed to be your #1 priority. To me one of the reasons that my relationship with my husband is so special is because we give ourselves only to eachother.

So many people remarry and I know that my view isn’t a popular one.

As one who has just lost a parent, I’ll witness that the impact is profound. A person’s very identity is tied to their parents’ relationship and when the status of that relationship changes an “identity crisis” can result no matter what the age.