I NEVER thought I wanted to stay home with kids; I wanted to have a career. I did not want to trust a husband to provide it all for me. I got that ambition, baby.

All that being said, I got a BA in History which I have ever intended to be a stepping stone to a post-grad degree—one that has been put on hold for the moment.
I want to stress that it wasn’t the specific degree, it was my work experience that became most important. It took me seven years to get my BA because I worked fulltime through much of my schooling. When I graduated, I was able to secure an upper-management position at a company simply because of my significant work experience prior to graduation. Even though a History degree, if you do not intend to teach which I did not, can be viewed as useless, it helped get me my career. It proved to companies that I could write, research, and communicate (which if you’ve spent any time in the business world you’ll know that those are invaluable skills that are in short supply.)

Traditionally, female professions have often been lower paying simply because they are valued less than other roles. I don’t mean this as denigration, but as counter-point. I do not intend to specifically encourage my future daughter to seek a traditionally female profession because I don’t want to box her up. I hope that she chooses something that she loves, not because it would be a ‘good job for a mom.’ I will however, as my mother and father before me, insist that her education and work ethic is of paramount and non-negotiable importance—not just as a potential breadwinner but as personal development.

I work mostly with men in a role that is not traditionally ‘female.’ I have so many options at my fingertips because I made the choice not only to educate myself, but also to work hard for appropriate experience. We now face a dilemma: I want to spend time at home with my children, but I can make three times as much as my husband. I will always be able to out-earn him. I am now coming to the realization that I will have to put aside my worldly ambition to turn to a more divinely inspired role. This has been a difficult process since I worked so hard to prepare for the contingencies that everyone has mentioned.

Student loans are darn hard to lose, even bankruptcy keeps them, but death, fortunately, will release the debt! As long as the loans were taken out only in his name, and never consolidated with you on there.

Mel: The sticking point as far as being able to stay home if a spouse dies (assuming there is life insurance in place) is health insurance. For us, it is absolutely necessary that we have some type of employee plan because we are un-insurable otherwise (therefore necessitating that my back-up plan include a career with access to insurance. So, my photography is fulfilling and creative but it isn’t going to provide that, and that’s why I’m going back to school in English Lit. so I can teach). I know that other families make self-employment insurance work, but I am too unfamiliar with this topic to speak to it right now.

Michelle: great point. I am so glad that all of our “plans” are different. It is reflective of the prosperous society we live in and the access that we have to various kinds of education. Blessed indeed.

no one: What was your professional degree in (if you’re willing to share)? I’d love to know the “options” that are out there.

Heather O: isn’t it amazing how powerful an example can be? For me, my mother’s situation (self-imposed to some degree) has shaped my drive and motivation to strive for more for myself and my family. It wasn’t her words that influenced me (I’d probably be better off now if I had listened) but more her situation.

cchrissy: Your comment made me think…I know that student loans are a sticky subject when it comes to education, especially for women. I have known women who have gone to Ivy League schools and who chose to stay home a few years later without the loans being paid off. I have never known one of those mothers to regret her education or the loans ensued, but I know others who have put off education because of the prospect of loans, and I understand that too. However, it would be nice if, when we choose our life insurance policy, that we ensured that our own student loans would be paid off with the payout. Answer me this question: my husband’s student loans are in his name. If he dies, am I responsible for those loans? What happens to them?

Needless Thinker: Being cynical is not always a bad thing, no?

Dangermom: You address a point that keeps coming back to me as I read everyone’s comments: What about passion? What about loving what you do? What about following a dream (even an illogical one)? I have definitely leaned in this direction during my choosing process. And I really think that creativity can somehow, somewhere make both the practical and the idealistic dreams plausible. How? I don’t know. But I really think if you’re passionate about something and you have ability, it can be done. That’s why I love hearing about how everyone made motherhood/career work for them. It’s inspiring for me.

a spectator: good point about getting all the education you can, following your dreams and getting at least one practical degree. I think this is a great way to meet the needs of the world with our own needs. Thanks…

Stacy: I agree completely. I love the concept that women can have it all as long as we’re creative, patient, hardworking.

To summarize (since I’m assuming our comments will be petering out on this post) I realize this is a discussion of the privileged, privileged because we have the time and money that allow us read this discussion and participate in it, even complain about it, etc… I realize that complaining about a women’s limitations is tiring, uninspiring. I hope that this post was less of a complaint and more of an opportunity to figure out how we make our lives work. I am much inspired and determined to do more than I’m doing. Thank you all.

Well said.

So I went off to college and majored in animal science, pre-vet. I was doing something Useful to Society. And I hated chemistry, and had to admit that my allergies to horses was going to interfere with something I would have loved otherwise (minus the chemistry).

It took many, many years for me to find what I could be both passionate about (and enjoy doing) and make a living at. Part of the influence in my choice did involve points in the conversation above–do I go with a service career like teaching (I taught preschool for a while and loved it, but it doesn’t pay a living wage), or do I follow my passion in the arts (photography has been a hobby of mine for over a decade now)?

I ended up falling into the field I’m in–editing–because it was how I worked my way through many long years of college, and like Katherine Soper says above, it ended up being one of the most flexible things I could have chosen. Given that I’ve never married (yet) and had to support myself without any parental help from the day I left home, it’s been a useful skill that I can see taking into a stay-at-home mom life and still continuing to keep up in various ways.

Especially because my field is children’s and young adult literature (right now I’m an editor for a fantasy house), I feel like it’s a multi-purpose career I’ve been able to cultivate: stimulating and exciting for me no matter whether I’m editing full time, freelancing, writing, or even working part time, say at a library (I got a master’s in children’s literature). It allows me to follow my passion (books, serving children, fantasy) while at the same time it’s a passion I can eventually share with my children.

So I’d say that it’s possible to tell your daughters they can have it all. It might not come all at once; it might not come in the way they expected (I don’t have a family right now, so I have more flexibility in my ability to work full time, for example), but it’s so important to give them the tools to dream of all the things they can do. Of course you need to prepare them for the reality of making a living, but to encourage a daughter to go into the liberal arts, if that’s her passion, isn’t necessarily limiting her career options, if you also encourage her to use her imagination and to always be responsible for taking care of herself.

I really have to disagree with this. The leaders talk specifically about the unpredictability of life and how education opens doors to opportunity. I don’t hear them talking about education just for education’s sake. They talk about it with an eye toward the fact that it helps your earning potential. The PEF testifies to this fact as well.

I feel for those who feel their passions do not lead them into a practical field. I woud advise, my chidlren, though, to suppement their passion with something salary-worthy. I have a sister who has a BFA in drama and is now getting a masters in library science–smart move. If you are an artist, why not also learn to cut hair or fix cars? It seems the responsible thing to do, but is really just smart.

No matter what you love–figure out a way to enjoy it and to support yourself. Everyone.

And I agree–if you are thinking of teaching because you think the hours are attractive, don’t. The burnout in the profession is very high–most teachers quit before they reach the 5 year mark–because it really does not go well for those who do not have a passion for it. Definitely try substituting a litte before you sign up to change your career to teaching and be realistic with yourself.

I’m a librarian, and our plan is that if my husband dies, I will use the insurance to pay off the house and go to work, living off income and the rest of the insurance if necessary. Librarianship will never make anyone rich, but we could survive on it, and I could also do business work. I do think my field is reasonably practical, since I can work a bit now here and there, and go back to full-time later (my mom is also a librarian and did pretty much the same thing; she was the bread-winner for a while when my dad was laid off).

I have told YW I’ve taught that they might not get married or be able to stay home (if they want to!) and all that. Several of them had some pretty good plans already and I was generally impressed with their ambition and planning.

I intend to teach both our sons AND our daughters that life is hard, and they should find something they are good at and enjoy doing, but if that thing can’t support them they’d better find a way to make it into a job, or use it as a hobby and get a good-paying job on the side.

I’m a cynic after all these years of financial misery, I’m afraid.