Do you want to know what I did yesterday?

It’s very sad, and you should know that before you read any further.

I went to try on my fat jeans and they didn’t fit. You speak fat jeans? They always forgive you. You wear them camping one night with hiking boots, and the next night to the theater with heels. They are your favorite friends and you can’t wait to put them on after you waited for a couple days from the last wear.

They are nothing like your skinny jeans which require a slather of Vaseline, a prayer and a disgusting grunt. Fat jeans are always a bit roomy (not too much). You stretch, they stretch. It’s eternally expanding joy and love beyond all fashionistic expression.

Then one day, (as with me yesterday,) you put them on and something is not right. Did I just wash these? you wonder. Is it the changing of the temperature having a negative affect on the cotton? And the last thing you want to admit to yourself in that situation is that you’ve gained the weighty. You’re fatter. It is likely divorce from your denim.

I blame that wicked and oh-so-gone-awry institution by the name of Girls Camp.

I took my fat jeans to Girls Camp because a woman needs to have some security in that place. I was sporting them on day uno. By day cinco I put them on again and loathe and behold they did not fit as well. (I hope dear readers you understand a little Spanish. If not, uno translates to…what do I care now that I’ve gained poundage? What a world! What a world!)

After Girls Camp it was too hot to be sporting the fat jeans and so I put them away. Perhaps they are upset that I would deny them usage on the account of the season? Anyway, it wasn’t until yesterday that I was assured that my daily sweating down the spine of my back wasn’t going to occur so I dressed a little warmer.

I recall dos times yesterday when I leaned over and had the wind knocked out of me.

The top button was working so hard to keep the zipper zipped it actually had a little button grimace on its face.

I couldn’t weight (that is a pun) to get home and get them off my body, fling them across the room and put on my righteous muumuu.

Seriously, the fat jeans and I are breaking up.

But before I send the jeans packing en route to Deseret Industries Happy Land When You Are Poor Or You Like A Good Bargain Although It’s Getting More Expensive With Inflation Vintage Clothes Are So In Right Now, we are going to go to therapy. Couples therapy. And I am going to learn that 3 things work in maintaining weight: daily exercise for your body, daily serious scripture study for your mind, and daily meditation/prayer for your soul. It’s so easy and yet…

Can you tell I’ve been through a couple clothes (second pun) break-ups before?

Making-up is so worth it.

September 12, 2006


  1. annegb

    September 13, 2006

    I have some skinny jeans that I wore when I was 110 lbs. I can\’t bring myself to throw those away, but I can\’t even get them on one leg now.

    I go with cheap Wranglers from Wal-Mart, boys jeans that I buy by the waist and inseam size. Dang.

  2. Justine

    September 13, 2006

    I have a few clothes that fit me in the 7th grade that I keep on promising myself I\’ll get back into any day now. Never mind that 7th grade was in the 70s and they are a little too disco-groovy for today\’s fashion forward gal that I am.

    When you see me at the SuperTarget in my Sean Cassidy embroidered silky flare pants, just keep on a-smilin.

  3. pflower

    September 13, 2006

    I empathize with you for sure!! I just know that my fat jeans and my fat GENE’s are trying to one up each other. If only I could control them both!!!

  4. Angie

    September 13, 2006

    Justine, I still have a few clothes from junior high too…and being fashion handicapped I even wear them occasionally. The worst part is that I’m not even sure they were that stylish back in the 80s.

  5. Justine

    September 13, 2006

    I love my sky blue silky Sean Cassidy embroidered flare pants. I couldn’t fit into them even if I wanted too, but alas.

    I have been having a spiritual crisis about eating these last weeks. I know I have let the flesh take control of the spirit, and have been eating myself silly. I feel awful. The spirit whispered to me to respect myself, love myself, do something good to myself by stopping. Yet I had continued to let food be in control of me. Finally, the spirit stopped trying.

    I started running again in earnest a couple of weeks ago, and only now am I feeling the ability to actually be good to myself. The spirit is starting to want to be back in my overstuffed body.

  6. Kathy

    September 13, 2006

    I can sympathize with the stuffing! Hey, stuffing is one of the only vices that we can legally indulge in. Wait, oh yeah, I forgot those scriptures about moderation…

    Seriously, eating can be so hard to control. You can\’t exactly quit cold turkey.

    As far as fat pants go, check this out–My husband just bought fat pants! Of course, they’re a 33 waist. Which I could never fit into myself. But I still felt vindicated.


    September 13, 2006

    been there. am there. loved it (& your puns) but r we ready to shop at lane bryants?

  8. Stephen M (Ethesis)

    September 13, 2006

    I gained a lot of weight, I won’t bore you with the story, and then lost 72 pounds. Amazing to be wearing all those clothes I saved 😉

    Wish you luck.

  9. Courtney

    September 13, 2006

    Kathy, are you sure we can(t quit cold turkey?

    (Still picturing Justine in her Sean Cassidy’s)

  10. Lucky Red Hen

    September 13, 2006

    Since I’m not an exercizer I figure reaching into the fridge for a Costco-version of Slim Fast is all the workout I’m gonna get.

  11. Maralise

    September 13, 2006

    I have a wide array of sizes in my closet to fit (almost) any size that I choose to be. The only problem is that I don(t have any to fit me RIGHT NOW! I brought one pair with me on vacation this week and am washing them almost nightly. Lovely…lovely.

  12. Darlene

    September 13, 2006

    I was at the doctor’s office today and stepped on that horrible little square on the floor with the weights that stare at you at eye-level while the nurse keeps pushing them higher, higher, higher . . .

    . . . and found out that I am at an all-time non-pregnancy high right now. Which makes me mad because I am still fitting into my clothes. So I\\\’ve decided that I have just turned some of my fat into muscle. So there.

    Also, I pray sometimes to have a godly perspective on my (and other people\’s) body, to see with God’s eyes, so to speak. I find that as I age (or get more righteous??? or just simply get too tired to compete anymore) I find rounder figures more attractive anyway (as opposed to the angular model figure).

    And all those older ladies that I used to wonder how they let themselves go (with the gray hair and big glasses and grandma bendover pants)—I am finally starting to see them as people who have “gotten over it,” who have freed themselves from worry about all that stuff, who can actually see people and not shapes or clothes, who are so busy looking out that they are not self-conscious. I wanna be like that.

  13. Kathy

    September 13, 2006

    Well, that’s true Cjane–some with actual willpower manage extraordinary feats of self-denial. But you gotta eat again sometime. Although I’ve read about people who have learned advanced breathing techniques that are able to glean life-force from the air, and no longer eat. Not an option for me at this point. Neither is a long fast… but I would like to try it sometime.

    Darlene, I wanna be like that too. When I think about the time and energy investment it would require to be my pre-maternal size again, I think it would be a sin against consecration to pursue it anyway. (so there–amen.)

  14. liz

    September 14, 2006

    congrats- they are lucky to have your skillz here!

    great topic by the way. perfect for this time of year when we all dust off the favs of last fall to remind ourselves we (me, really) are a little less fit.

  15. Geo

    September 14, 2006

    Good move, Segullah, for taking on C Jane!

    P.S. Great post!

  16. Heather H.

    September 14, 2006

    Speaking of long fasts, my hubby is on The Master Cleanse (aka the Lemonade Diet). He drinks only a mixture of fresh lemon juice, organic grade b maple syrup, cayenne, and water for, get this . . .14 days. He’s on day 7 right now and he’s lost 8 lbs. They say you will gain back half of what you lose, but your body will be free and clear of toxins and you will have abounding energy. I’m happy for him, really. But if he asks me one more time if I’m going to do it after he’s done, I might scream. I do not want to not eat for fourteen days while still feeding my children. Even if it will clear up my breakouts, shed the pounds, give me energy. I will just resign myself to him weighing less than me and seek that peace that the Grandmas have found.

  17. Courtney

    September 14, 2006

    Oh yes Heather, the Master Cleanse.
    I did a juice cleanse for 21 days and oh boy did I LOVE it. It was a long time to go without food, but I loved the way my body felt after I was done. Now I do mini-fasts that are less-challenging but very rewarding.
    We tend to proselyte-us cleansers.

  18. Darlene

    September 15, 2006

    Tell me about mini-fasts, Courtney.

  19. Courtney

    September 18, 2006

    Darlene, are you asking the golden question?
    Sometimes when I feel sluggish or not quite right in my body, I will do a three day water fast/cleanse. I sip water, keep activities to a minimum and take lots of hot baths.
    By day three I feel so fantastic. This IS NOT clinical, it’s just what works for me and my body. Occasionally, anyway.

  20. Heather H.

    September 20, 2006

    Matt is done with his cleanse now and he looks amazing! His skin is clear, his face isn’t puffy, he’s more trim. I am starting feel the pull . . . maybe I can do it when he will be home for two weeks to help me with the kids (oh wait, that will never happen!) Maybe I can do it, I think I can, I think I can . . .

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