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By Courtney Kendrick

In case you haven’t heard (where have you been?) I am with child, or pregnant.

People keep asking questions like “Are you sure?” or “Have you been pregnant before?” which annoys me a bit because no one ever asks my sister-Page-with-eight-children these types of inquiries. To her they ask “Again?” Anyway, I did buy the most expensive pregnancy test money could buy. (When it comes to pregnancy tests I choose quality over quantity.) Besides the positive pregnancy test, I am also as”tired as a day after Disneyland” to quote my sister-in-law Lindsay.

Oh my googles. Does having a baby mean that someday I will be required to go to Disneyland on a regular basis? Or buy their movies? Or clothes? Or FRUIT SNACKS???

I find it hard to explain to my husband what it is like to be pregnant. Instead of doing a lot of conversing about the whole thing, we’ve been watching Indiana Jones movies. It is our happy medium, I guess. Last night it was the Last Crusade. Somewhere in the middle I stopped being engaged because I couldn’t help but give into major anxiety. No one told me about how scary it is to have a baby! There are so many, many things that can happen!

Like a miscarriage.

Or a premature birth.

Or a birth defect.

Or a kidnapping.

Or a broken limb.

Or a broken heart.

And as the movie progressed, so did my mental list of risks we were taking. I had never felt so completely overwhelmed in my life! It felt like emotional claustrophobia!

For my own sanity, I decided to focus on Indiana Jones instead.

Towards the end of the movie, Indie comes to the deathly ravine that impedes his way to the Holy Grail. There is no visible way to cross from one side to another, unless he uses (deep breath) faith. With time running out, he steps out across the great divide, into mid-air, to find that his “leap of faith” lands him on an obscure bridge that can only be seen after the initial step (exhale.)

That” I whispered in my husband’s ear, “is what it feels like to be pregnant.”

In this brave but risky, courageous while dangerous, hero-type context, I think he understood.

By-the-way, there is an Indiana Jones adventure at Disneyland. Expectant mothers should not ride. But I see that this is no missed opportunity, given the adventure that is incubation.

What a wild ride already. . .


About Courtney Kendrick


37 thoughts on “Spoiler”

  1. Wow Courtney! What a great way to capture so much of what we do in our lives-a leap of faith! Marriage, career, and of course the huge adventure you are about to embark on mommy-hood! 🙂

    I have often thought as an adult that the song 'I Walk By Faith' which is so lovely when sung by Young Women, is actually a little tougher when the rubber hits the road! Definitely worth it in the long run (or my faith tells me so!)

    Congratulations Again!


  2. You've got it exactly right! Just like marriage, having a child takes loads and loads of faith. But aren't we lucky to have our Heavenly Father there any time and any where! Knowing that is what gets me through the day.

  3. Courtney,
    Don't tell anyone but i rode the rides at disneyland when i was barely pregnant with Addison. But that's another story.

    I do think being pregnant is scary. But it is also wonderful as you will come to know. I am so excited for you to experience it. You will be great, I'm sure of it.

  4. being pregnant is crazy. it does things to you. anxiety? yes. tons. kankles? yes. especially toward the end. heartburn? a little. but then there is the sweet sounds of the heartbeat. the ultra sounds. the kicking and turning, and all times of pure joy, and tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. like out of control happiness. it doesn't take much faith at all. just watch. it really is a miracle. you are a miracle, and so is your baby. what if you are having twins? you def need to call me, if you are. i don't know you, but i love ya. good luck with everything.

    anxiety smiety. i love indiana. especially the snake scene. and that ride at disneyland is so not for pregnant mommies. and i can't wait for the previews for the new indiana.

  5. Ah Courtney,
    I feel you have captured the feeling exactly. Being pregnant is terrifying, when things go wrong it's even more terrifying. The anxiety is always ever present for me, especially as we (being my hub and I)begin the process of trying to conceive yet again. We have to rely on our faith that the good HF knows more than we do when it comes to things such as babies in order to calm the anxiety I continually feel.
    Until that time, I can hardly wait until it is my turn to finally hear a heartbeat and feel my baby alive inside of me.
    Thanks for this post, I heart you.

  6. How exciting! Congrats. Yes, the leap is the perfect analogy.

    I never fretted myself too much about birth defects or kidnapping etc. What made it a scary leap for me was realizing that there would be now be somebody I'd love way more than myself.

    Yes, technically, I love my husband like that, but with a man in a marriage is different than between a mother and her baby. There's a big loss of control when you realize you'd do ANYTHING for that kid, even die. Its a good thing, but scary giving yourself over like that.

  7. Just wait until the baby comes out, and parenting begins…in the wee hours of the morning your brain will amass all the ways you can mess up the perfection God sent you. Oh, but it's so worth it. Is it May yet?

  8. Yes! Exactly! I'm pregnant for the first time and it's basically the scariest thing in the world. I was telling my mom how scared I was that I would miscarry or that something wrong would happen with the pregnancy. She just told me it was preparing me for when it's actually born and I have about 80 million other things to be scared of. I think I started crying right about then. (Don't mess with the emotions of a pregnant woman!) So, here's hoping you and I both have uneventful pregnancies.

  9. I hear tell that the worrying about your kids will stop sometime after the Millenium. Look forward to that time of respite. That'll be the next best chance you have to stop wondering about every possible thing that could go wrong with your kid (what if he has 11 fingers? What if he doesn't learn to walk? How exactly do you teach a kid to speak? What if the nursury leader ignores him? What if a car crashes into our house and smashes him?)

    Oh, and by the way, the pressing question…

    Does this mean you're not going to be an cable tv local access talk show host super-star anymore?

    Cuz that would be a shame.

  10. Just say NO:

    To "fruit" snacks
    Disney movies
    Disneyland on a regular basis
    (Unless you go with La Yen, but that's different.)

    Say YES:
    To clothes and shoes (for two)
    To the new intuitive eating (also called cravings)
    Crying for absolutely no reason at all
    More worrying than you've ever done all rolled into one
    Feeling your head detached from the process your body is going through

  11. Amen!

    It is so hard to take that leap. I can't think of a more perfect analogy. It is scary thinking of all the things that could go wrong during a pregnancy. But it's even scarier when that baby is born. Then you start thinking about how your parenting is going to mess them up, whether or not they'll stay on the straight and narrow, or how the heck they're going to make it in this crazy world.

    But it's all worth every minute of worry when your child is playing, and they all of a sudden says, "Mommy, guess what."


    "I love you."

  12. Congratulations! They're worth the wait and the anxiety and the pregnancy brain and the stretch marks and the tripping over things and the multiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

    My little guy is five months old now and after all the time trying to imagine what things would be like when he was here, now I can't imagine life without him. Enjoy the ride. (Indiana Jones or otherwise.)

  13. For me pregnancy was like going on a mission. Everyone tells you all these stories, good and bad, and you want to go, and you think you're ready, but actually experiencing it is very different. A good different, but surreal too. I wondered if it was really me.

    The Indiana Jones analogy works well–I like it. And again, I am so happy for you.

  14. Sure, you think how you're going to mess it all up.

    But then, sometimes, you say to yourself,

    "Aaaahh, bag it."

    So you eat the soft cheese
    And have another Coke
    Let your kid have another cookie
    Let them watch another hour of TV
    Don't read to them in a week
    Not care if they wear the same clothes two days in a row
    Instead of comforting them when they fall off the couch you say, "See? I told you you'd fall off if you didn't listen to me. Next time listen to me."

    Welcome to Good Mommy/Bad Mommy

  15. Okay..we do still need to do lunch because now that your infertility is over we can talk about the anxieties of pregnancy. I was a raving lunatic during my last pregnancy, completely consumed with worry. Sometimes I think that when a pregnancy is hard to come by, it is almost harder to enjoy. It's almost TOO GOOD to be true….so you beat yourself up with anxiety and fear.

    I feel you sister…but know that all will be well. xox

  16. Great analogy.

    My oldest (5) was born at 26 weeks. It made an already wild ride….that much wilder. All is well now, luckily.

    Its sort of like …..when I wanted to get a dog, but then kept telling my husband I didn't want to because I couldn't handle it dying someday. He's like "so you're going to sabotage it before you can ever enjoy it?". It's the whole opposition in all things thing. With motherhood comes so much anxiety, stress and worry…along with so much love, and laughter and happiness. Such is life!

    I often think, it must be hard to be Heavenly Father.

  17. Well, Courtney.
    I just have one thing to say.
    Enjoy your Indiana Jones movies now because in a few months you will never see another movie again in your life. Well, maybe ones with Barney in them.

  18. You have the knack of likening something to everything. Excellent post.
    I disagree with the never being able to see a movie again thing. Davey and I rent movies and try to go to one once a month at the theater. Babysitters are wonderful.

  19. Well written, that analogy sounds about right. The extreme of emotions you'll feel the next 9 months are just the begining. 😉 Congratulations again, and enjoy the ride! (But not the one at Disneyland)

  20. My baby girl was born on Aug. 30th. I cried to hear her crying simply because it meant that her lungs were working. Have I ever had a baby that had problems? No. But I still cried to know that she was here and breathing. It really is kind of nerve wrecking to think of all the things that could go wrong but don't dwell on them! They are so beyond your control. Just have faith that no matter what, Heavenly Father will take care of you both. Blessings are on their way!

  21. Love this post and congratulations! I am a confirmed worry-wart, but had pretty much rooted that out of me. And then I got pregnant. There's something about that momma-bear worry thing that is really hard to explain or describe. But the wonder of it all is just wow.

    A good different, but surreal too. I wondered if it was really me.

    I still feel this way sometimes. I will look at my kiddos and think, "I gave birth three times!" And then I think how amazing it all is.

    The leap of faith thing is central to the journey, and I don't know that it ever ends, but it's not all overwhelming. Just try to enjoy the ride and remember that His grace is sufficient.

  22. I remember when I was pregnant for the first time, I was sooooooo excited. The thoughts of me being pregnant consumed me. Every waking moment, I thought about it. I dreamed about it. I tried hard to focus on other things, only to find my mind drifting back to it. Then, in my 9th month I started thinking, "What am I doing? Am I crazy? I can't give birth! Oh no!" I tend to pride myself on being adventurous, but the thought of giving birth terrified me. My ONLY consolation was when I looked around and thought about how many people live on the earth and have lived on the earth and they ALL were born. I thought, if they can do this, so can I. By the 7th day after my due date, I didn't care, I was ready to get this child out! July 1st, 2003, I gave birth (8 days late) to a beautiful baby boy. It was one of the most overwhelming and spiritual experiences I have ever had. Being a mom is a hard and beautiful thing. There's nothing else quite like it.

  23. And even after you've done it, when you're pregnant again, it still takes a whole lot of faith. Anxious dreams, check, anxious thoughts, check, anxious bladder, check!

    Congrats! I am thrilled to hear all about it along the way.

  24. Sometimes when I was pregnant it felt like the invisible path turned into "jack and jill fell down the hill." As sure as I was that pregnant was what I wanted, sometimes I felt like "wait a minute, I think I want to put this thing into reverse," and realized that that gear was missing.

    So it's probably a good thing we give the go-ahead only once, at the beginning, and then, despite all our multi-faceted panic..oh well–you're on the ride!

  25. Oh, we are doing all those "having kids requirements", but I love it. We are hitting up D-land next week, we just watched all the movies to catch up, we bought the Disney clothes to wear there, and I will have fruit snacks in their bags for a mid-day treat. I do have to say though, Fruit Snacks are a mothers dream. They stave off the cranky kids till the next feedin' time. And there's gotta be fruit in there somewhere, right?

  26. Holy cow, how did I miss that you are pregnant!!??? Congrats, congrats, congrats!

    And it may have already been mentioned here, but having a baby is like having your heart walk around outside of you. It's scary and amazing at the same time.

    I'm so excited for you!


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