Today’s guest post comes from Sarah d’Evegnee, who has her MA in Literary Criticism from BYU and has taught English at BYU, UVU, and is currently an adjunct faculty member at BYU-Idaho. She is also a mother. When her two worlds inadvertently collide, she quotes Sesame Street in the classroom and deconstructs Dr Suess as she reads to her toddlers. The most important thing to know about Sarah is that she just celebrated the birth of her seventh child with a Cinco de Mayo c-section and is fittingly scheduled to bring the new bundle home on Mother’s Day. No angry letters to Mother’s Day this year–mostly because she and the baby get to stay home and soak in the joy of maternal bliss. Mother’s Day just as it should be.
Dear Mother’s Day,
Since you’re obviously female, I will talk to you like you’re one of the girls. I totally love you–you know that, right? So, as a friend, and only because I love you like a sister, let me share some things I hate about you.
1) You are always on a Sunday. Whose warped idea was that? I have three hours of church on Sunday. Husbands have meetings on Sunday and we are left to pioneerishly fend for ourselves in a ragged, harried, Sunday morning seizure of church preparations.
Sunday is the most difficult day to maintain an acceptable maternal disposition. Squishing and squeezing countless unyieldingly chubby appendages into tights and shoes and button-up shirts turns me into some twisted Mormon housewife version of Joan Crawford.
Crazy Sunday Mommy screams, “We’re NOT going to make it!. . . You just ATE your scriptures?. . . How did you get claw marks on your neck?. . . Get ready so we can go to church and learn about LOVE, DARN IT!!!!” in a freakish, shriekish, shaky pitch that isn’t heard any other day of the week! I am so nice on Tuesdays! Why can’t you be on a Tuesday?