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You Don’t Brush Your Teeth Every Night

Today’s guest post comes from Orinda Darling. She is not the real author of this piece, but she was a real person living in 19th century America. Orinda is also the nickname given to Katherine Philips, 17th century poet and “apostle of female friendship”, according to Wikipedia.

You don’t brush your teeth every night
You don’t brush your teeth every night
or floss, for that matter
You don’t wash your bras or your face and
you don’t wear makeup
You dented your new car and had it fixed by two dudes operating out of the back of a van
You spend most of your time watching YouTube videos about women buying wedding dresses
You don’t eat right
You don’t drink enough water
You definitely don’t have a winsome personality
You’ve only ever dated four people, three of those while you were under the age of 18
You’ve only ever kissed 5 people and had sex with 1
1 person
You don’t have an ambitious job
You didn’t go to your high school reunion
You don’t wear high heels or dresses
Every time you see the ice cream guy he says “See you tomorrow!”
You don’t know how to bake or sew
Your apartment definitely has what I’ll call a “lived in” feel
and smell
You don’t have children
You don’t own a home
You don’t live near your parents
Your phone is 5 years old
You mostly relate to other people through complaining
You don’t exercise or sing in the shower or have things other people might call “hobbies”

Oh, former self, if you only knew
If you only knew how awesome adulthood would be
How candy-every-night, two-naps-a-day, splurge-on-athleisure-wear it would be
You’d be much less worried about losing all those “freedoms” you had as a kid

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