It seems like a million years ago when I went to my first Relief Society meeting as a grown-up. It was at BYU and I remember the lesson: it was about Visiting Teaching. I kind of had a grasp on what it was, having vaguely noticed my mother doing hers over the years. Our Relief Society teacher that day (the bishop’s wife, I think) stood up an informed us that being a Visiting Teacher is the most important calling we would ever have. I rolled my eyes. I was sure that the Relief Society president was slightly more important than me and my dumb Visiting Teaching.
Fast forward almost 25 years. I am now the Relief Society President and I am here to say that the Bishop’s wife was right on the money. Is it the most prestigious calling? Certainly not; most women kind of view Visiting Teaching as a lame, throw-away calling. But man, there is nothing more valuable to me that a sister who lovingly and regularly does her Visiting Teaching.
I had an episode with a sister in my ward last year who refused to let Visiting Teachers come over. She is relatively active but explained to me how she sees Visiting Teaching as nothing but a ploy for numbers. She would never call her Visiting Teachers for anything, she told me. She would call her friends instead. “Visiting teaching is a bunch of people pretending to like each other. It’s a waste of everyone’s time,” she announced. I’m glad we were on the phone and she couldn’t see me roll my eyes yet again—something I still do too much.
This is what I told her and what I tell the sisters in my ward. I don’t care how your Visiting Teaching gets done. I don’t care if you wear a skirt or go in yoga pants. I don’t care if you do a playdate with your sisters and their kids at the park, or invite your sisters out to lunch. I don’t care if you do it on the first day of the month or the last. I don’t care if sometimes it’s just a phone visit. I really don’t even care if you give the lesson.
This is what I care about: does she feel like she’s your friend? Do you listen to her and not talk too much about yourself? Do you make her feel like she can call you if something bad happens? Do you love her and can she feel that?
All I want from Visiting Teaching is for every sister in my ward to feel like they have somebody in their corner.
The way we go about it: assigning companions, providing a lesson and trying to do it monthly is just away to make sure it gets done and to give women a better shot at making that happen. Yes, I know it’s a drag trying to schedule a time that you and your companion can both make it happen. And then throw in all those sisters you teach and it can seem pretty hairy.
Here is what I don’t care about: that you are too busy. We’re all too busy. Make it work anyway. If you have time for Facebook and taking quizzes to find out which Hunger Games character you’d be, you have time to reach out to a sister that’s in your care. I also don’t care if you aren’t fond of your companion or the sisters you teach. Jesus didn’t ask you to only love the people you have something in common with. Sometimes the prickliest/weirdest/most annoying people are the ones that need the most care. And the ones we can learn from. If your companion or teachee is not your favorite person, do something kind for them; something kind that is maybe a little more inconvenient than you’d like. Truly serving people is the way to truly love them.
Visiting Teaching is the grassroots way we do the Lord’s work. We are His hands and there is no more perfect opportunity to remember this on a regular basis than by fulfilling this calling. There is so much loneliness at church. You guys wouldn’t even believe how often I hear this. Jesus hates loneliness! And so He’s given us a way to truly feel like we have a friend. Or two friends, hopefully. It’s the errand of angels.
Sisters, do your Visiting Teaching!
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nearly every month for the past year+, i sniff my armpits, and prop up my self-esteem from the hit it takes when two of the wonderful women we visit, who are active, and leaders in our ward, make it next to impossible for us to visit.
they don't return calls. if ask them about visiting when in person at church or an activity, they say to call them, then they don't answer their phones, or respond to email and text messages.
they'll tell me "that should work" and "they'll let me know", and then they don't. i feel like a failure. they're so passive aggressive about it. just say you don't want a visit! or ask to NOT have VT's.
I feel like part of our job is to make it easier for our VTs to visit when they're trying, and i try to be available when they ask if they can come. no amount of treats or offers of service have made a difference for the past couple years with mine. when we do manage to visit, it's so dang cordial! they are really cool people and women i'd love to be good friends with, but they just don't seem to want us to visit them. and it's so weird, because they're both so great about doing their callings and everything. They're FINE with me, except when it has anything to do with VT.
so i appreciated your post. i've been discouraged. ♥
awesome.
Blue, that is another topic I wish I had time to address; making time for your visiting teachers to come and visit you. I have a very good friend who is perfectly happy to not have her V.T.'s ever actually visit. So last month I gave her two new teachers: the ladies who schedule the visits two weeks in advance and simply won't take no for an answer.
The other problem I have are women counting their visiting teaching as done when they've just talked to their sisters in the hallway at church for two minutes. I've had sisters call me crying because they have no friends and their VT's don't come. So when I check the records, their VT's have told us they've visited their people every month. Turns out they were counting saying hello in the hallway. That doesn't cut it. You do need to make an effort! (By "you" I mean "everyone").
I once had a new visiting teacher that I immediately judged poorly because of something she said in a lesson and because of a few other things about her. I am so, so grateful that I gave her a chance because she later became a good friend and we still keep in touch after a number of years and despite not living in the same area anymore. That experience was humbling to me because I realized that I could become friends with just about anyone and that getting to know someone almost always means looking at them in a different light.
That being said, I don't always expect to become best friends with my visiting teachers or the people I visit. I don't think that's the point and it doesn't always happen. I have always gotten to know people better and found ways to help and be helped, and I think that's really the point of it all. When things happen like my son breaking his foot and needing to go to the emergency room, I have someone I can call who can take my other kids and give me peanut butter sandwiches to take along with me. When I get to church on Sunday there are a few people I've come to know well from serving alongside them as visiting teachers. That is really what visiting teaching is for.
One of the chapters of my dissertation is a result of a question asked by my visiting teacher, who was an older woman, painstakingly ultra conservative in every sense of the word, very different from me in most aspects, and a loyal visiting teacher. I'm so glad she came!
I understand where you're coming from. I get it. Visiting Teaching really is a beautiful vehicle to help us lift each other up–mourn together, learn together, grow together.
So why is it sometimes so horribly difficult to actually do? There are good reasons for this, and I don't believe any of them are related to the idea that we're just lazy people who can't stop looking at Facebook. Or that we don't care. Or we're truly horrible in other way.
Visiting Teaching requires us to give a bit of our selves. Sometimes, I don't have any to give. I wish just once I could attend a Visiting Teaching conference that isn't about guilt. I'd love to hear from women who haven't always been perfect visiting teachers. I'd love to hear from women who have struggled, who maybe are still struggling with visiting teaching. I'd love to hear them say they believe in it because they believe in God and his Son, the ultimate givers.
Amen to everything you expressed, From a relief society president in Washington!
I have been blessed to be a Visiting Teacher.
AND
to have been taught by some of the finest. I give thanks for both almost everyday 🙂
Kristin
I won't pretend to understand the frustration of a RS president, having never been one. But my current RS president gave me 4 families to visit, one of which was a particularly ill sister who consistently needed to be taken to the doctor throughout the week. Then tried to give me ANOTHER sister to teach when she moved into the ward. Once I started working, this situation became impossible for me. And it became a weekly guilt trip that I resented. For the first time in my life, I hated visiting teaching.
If a RS president expects to have friends in her corner on VT, she should never be careless in the way she delegates the work. She should be understanding of the real limitations people have–not only of time, but awkwardness and shyness in approaching someone they don't know. Writing off those very real feelings is the real reason why VT is unsuccessful. It creates a stumbling block even for those who would otherwise be helping.
I love what you said, sounds like "VT Boot camp". This year I decided to "change" the way I approach Visiting Teaching. For me when it comes to Visit Teaching, it can be all or nothing. I like to be "all in", but like other commentators, I have been "blessed" with sisters who fall into this camp: inactive, moved away, phone cut off, and if I find them, the welcome mat is not for me.
The other camp is; they refuse to talk to me, on the phone or in public, but will talk to my companion. I'll take that, as long as we can reach them.
The next camp is one with multiple female family members who all have different VT's (which is not a good use of people), but because maybe their daughters or mothers VT is more to their liking, they don't feel the need for me and my companion's services. Don't call, don't come by.
The last camp is the one's who want interaction, but just like chasing a blind date, you get stood up a lot, and then they act like nothing happened.
Finally I have a companion who is hot and cold.
I spoke to my RS president (who was on my route) and I asked her if she would find a sister, who wanted visits, who needed a friend, some one who really needs a friend. I also told her that my companion and I have come to the conclusion that she didn't want to do it any more, she quit. I asked for a new companion too.
For some reason she was a little hostile to me and basically told me not to get my hopes up, and try to work it out, blah blah blah.
But, and yea verily, I prayed about this,and I know this was a righteous prayer, not for me, but I knew there had to be a few sisters in our ward, who weren't being served, and were forgotten not only by their VT but their HT's also. I knew there were some like minded sisters who loved their sisters and would serve with me. I did get my hopes up, and hope springs eternal. Last Sunday I was reassigned, but herein lies wisdom. I have one new sister, and then I was reassigned to a sister I had in the very beginning, the one who may have moved, or changed her number, who can find her? I used to visit her at the Costco she worked at, but I haven't seen her there. So I put the Missionary's on the task to find her. God is still in the details, I testify it to be so.
I get what you're saying here. I'm in the RS Presidency in my ward, and visiting teachers are our eyes and ears on the ground, so I know the program is important. But it's full of problems, number one of which is that half our women don't want to visit and the other half don't want to be visited. And, to be completely honest, I fall into the second half. I've had so many visiting teachers that have stayed way too long, let their kids destroy my house, made condescending remarks about my personal beliefs or choices (under the guise of "inspiration")… Even when I have good teachers, the truth is that I am often to busy for a visit. My current visiting teacher is a good friend of mine who knows how busy I am and usually just calls to check in. She was recently assigned a new partner who really bristled about this arrangement. I wanted to ask her, "Who are you doing this for: me or you?" And I think that's something we all need to ask as we are fulfilling this calling. If you are pestering your sisters when they are too busy to see you, you are not helping them. If you spend your entire visit herding unruly kids into a corner, or worse, letting them destroy someone's home (and believe me, this is a very common complaint), you are not helping them. If someone has asked not to be visited, and you continue to force your way in, you are not helping them, and you are definitely not helping the church. And so on. Anyway, rant over.
I do love that the standards have relaxed on getting it done. I assigned myself a partner who just doesn't go, and this had made it unbelievably easier to get visits done! I am getting in to sisters now who haven't had regular visiting teachers in years because of complicated schedules. It's much easier to coordinate between two people than it is with three.
Amen, amen, and amen. I'm currently the Relief Society president in my ward. May I quote a few lines from this in my visiting teaching conference, please?
My comments, btw, are probably more addressed to other comments than your original post, which is great.
I really feel that VT is a two-way opportunity. I have always wondered why the VT is alone responsible for making "dates"? If these are friendships to be fostered, and service to be given, should not the receipt also serve her visiting sister? Both parties can reach out to one another and then it ceases to become a "meeting". But each sister caring or being allowed to care for each other.
Thanks for this, it was just the pep talk I needed today as I was mustering my courage to text my partner to get the ball rolling for this month. For the first time in my 11 years of visiting teaching I've actually felt like a competent VT for the past few years and had a really sweet setup regarding active, vistable sisters whose needs I felt capable of meeting and a great companion. But, my companionship was recently changed and I've been struggling a bit. Thanks for the reminder to buck up and remember the real reason we do this!
I feel like I can sympathize with all of the different opinions expressed here. There are so many things that can make visiting teaching difficult on all ends. BUT, I really appreciate the emphasis on the fact that the bare bones of the point of visiting teaching is making sure everyone feels like someone is there for them and loves them like the Savior does, and that there are varying ways to which this can be accomplished.
This is beautiful! I am the RSP in a Boston area ward and we are having a VT Conference on Sunday. I might share a bit of this with the sweet sisters in my ward. Thank you!
Based on the title of this post, I was expecting someone else to bemoan their time on the "Relief Society Ambiance Committee." A /committee/ to ensure that there is a table cloth on the table in RS each Sunday.
I feel blessed by a RS president who gave me two visiting teachers whom I see on a weekly basis at play dates regardless of arrangement. That makes it nice and easy. They still try very hard to be "official" about things, which really just becomes an at-my-house play date between all their kids and mine. I think that balances out having two sisters on my own route that require a lot more wrangling to even say, "Hello," to in the hallways at church. They're runners.
I adore all six ladies my partner and I visit – even the one who clearly doesn't like us. My VT partner is a lovely person as well, and we try, starting at the beginning of every month, to start scheduling visits.
The problem? My partner is only available (if she's lucky) for a few hours one evening per month, and she doesn't know until a few days beforehand, so I have to hope that when that golden opportunity arrives, my husband isn't busy with his bishop duties, my kids don't need me for homework/activities/transportation, I'm not having a primary presidency meeting, and I haven't already scheduled a camp meeting (I'm the stake YW camp director).
So our lovely ladies end up getting a lot of phone calls, which I think gets lame after a few months, and does not meet their needs.
Yes, I have the time to visit, especially during the day. Unfortunately, I am always assigned companions who work during the day. I DO want to be a good visiting teacher. All the *stuff* that prevents me from doing so (except the kids, I guess,) comes from one source – the Church. If the church leaders who keep piling responsibilities on our family – which I am willing to do – would coordinate a little better, I could do it all. But dumping it on me without giving it much thought, then saying, "everybody's busy – get over yourself" is not helpful.
And for the most part, I loved your post, so excuse my venting. I'm sure you're a very thoughtful RS president.
Thanks for this. We are doing our visiting teaching conference this Sunday in our ward. I really have a strong testimony of visiting teaching.
My feeling is that you have to be creative with VTing. A sister in my ward noticed that someone she vts was having the missionaries over for dinner so she made a cake and dropped it off so she wouldn't have to make dessert. You can find ways to serve and it doesn't have to be both of you together. One of my vts turned up at a and e when my daughter had an accident. She had a bag of goodies and coins for the car park which was just what we needed. Pray for inspiration. There are plenty of ways to serve those who don't want a visit. On the other hand,let your vts know what they can do for you. Give them opportunities to serve. If you're to busy for them to come because you have to run errands – see what they can help you with or get them to arrive as you get back so they can help you unpack your shopping. Same with the sisters you visit. Think outside the once a month sit down for half an hour visit box and have fun with it.
Exactly!
Paradox and Stephanie–Your RS Pres and VT coordinator should definitely be sensitive to the needs, capabilities and schedules of the sisters she pairs up. I never pair up people who work full-time with Stay-at-home-moms, for example. It just never works. But ward circumstances can be different and maybe in your ward there isn't that luxury. I think the bottom line is to keep plugging along and maybe get creative with your options.
Diane and Ellen–quote away!
Great ideas, Karen! I love when people come up with creative ways to visiting teach. I'll admit that some months I've told my visiting teacher that if she wants to visit me it's going to have to be at 10pm. And she did it!
Okay, I got inspired to at least call my sisters and see when my companion and I could come by. No answer, but hey, at least I called this month.
VT can either be the best thing or the most frustrating thing to have as an assignment. I should remember those visiting teaching moments when my VT was a lifesaver, because I'm sure I've had them, but instead, I remember being the answer to a prayer.
Once, it wasn't even a real prayer, just a thought. I had made rolls and right before my family sat down to dinner, I jumped up, told my husband I'd be right back and dropped a dozen rolls off to my visiting teachee. Floored, she told me she had signed up to bring rolls to an activity last night, but hadn't let them rise long enough, so she was bringing lumpy, hard bread-type things. Instead, she grabbed the rolls, threw them, and her son, in the car and headed to the activity. Years later, we both are gratified at how that worked.
Stephanie,
I know exactly how hard it is to have a companion that doesn't make herself available. I hate to use the word "should" because I don't know your companion's situation, but ideally she would make herself more available in the evenings. Although she's not currently taking an active part in visiting teaching, please, please, please don't make it impossible for her to participate in visits by scheduling them during the day. As a single sister who works full-time, it can be really hurtful not to be able to participate in activities (official and unofficial) that are scheduled at times when I absolutely cannot make it.
I think it's passive aggressive bullying to go online and vilify any "sister" who chooses to opt out of the visiting teaching program.
There are so many valid reasons to opt out of the "watchcare" program. There have been times in my life where it has done more harm than good.
Sadly, any woman who does so is judged and talked/blogged about by her leaders. My last RS president acted very nice to me but I'm almost certain she had these kinds of righteous indignation discussions behind my back or at ward councils.
THIS is what makes our church look like a cult. Intense social pressure to conform and do whatever we are asked, even if we feel very strongly that it would be best to follow our hearts.
I don't think that Jenny is bullying,there are good reasons to ask not to participate, but there are also plenty of ways we can do better, and innumerable blessings that can be had by ministering to each other in this way. Since the beginning of the year our extended family has been going through a lot and my kind RS president asked if maybe needed a break from the responsibility of VT. They had recently dropped my companion down to just one sister instead of two or three. I felt a real defeat at that but in my heart knew that it was in the best interest of the other sister that was reassigned, ultimately I felt relief that her needs could now be better met. Her schedule was harder for us to coordinate with and our visits had become spotty and she needed better more consistent service than we could render currently. The other sister we are in pretty constant communication via social media. It easy to know when she needs something, saying I/we are bringing you a meal, can we stop by for a last minute scheduled visit, can I run that errand for you and it works, wonderfully. It meshes well with the unpredictable nature of all three of our lives currently. I know that other sisters are carrying heavier responsibilities right now because I/we aren't able to do more, now but with the sister we do visit I feel like we are getting something right.
I've developed some great friendships from the VT program, and others which were simply accepted "Ticking a box". I think when the needs/wants correspond it's fantastic. When not, not so much.
My current RS Pres actually listened when I asked if I could write letters instead of visit because of work and family commitments. She didn't make me feel stupid, selfish, unorganised, whiny (all of which I've felt before when requesting changes) – she said she'd pray about it, and the next Sunday handed me a piece of paper with names on it. I write to them, have no idea who they are, but they get a chatty letter every month. So far none have asked me to stop, so I'll keep going.
At the moment my VTers are perfect – they say hi at church, and visit at least once a quarter, which is my ideal at the moment. I rang one of them last month when I had a foot issue, and she took my sons to and from Mutual, which is exactly what I needed. She was having a crazy busy week, but obviously takes her VT assignment seriously – I know if I rang needing anything she (or her companion) would be available, no hassles or problems.
Visiting teaching is the "watch/care program" established for us by a loving Heavenly Father. My life has been blessed by attentive visiting teachers and I hope I have done the same. ccc
Not trying to be a troll here but I would really be upset if I had visiting teachers who "wouldn't take no for an answer" when it came to scheduling an appointment. There are months where, for various entirely valid reasons, I would prefer for visits to be kept to email or a phone call or Facebook message. If I had two sisters that were trying to bully their way into my home, I'd definitely feel like they weren't respecting my boundaries and I'd probably call the RS pres and opt out entirely at that point. There's something to be said for being compassionate and gentle and trying to meet people where they actually have needs rather than trying to force our own agenda and what we think is best onto them.
Also, if someone prayerfully feels that they truly do not have the time for VT at this point in their life, I don't think "We're all just as busy as you. Do it anyway" is a helpful or useful approach. I don't want a harried, exhausted visiting teacher stopping by out of guilt or because they've been shamed into keeping their stats up. I'd rather bless that sister with the space and time she needs to regroup.
Those are just my feelings and I don't expect to change anyone's mind and I certainly don't want to start an argument but I think different perspectives are important.
I absolutely believe this has a time, a place and also know that there are those who truly do need their Visiting Teaching contact from the church. That said, I am one of those who really doesn't want to be visited – actually I really don't need the visit. I agreed to an appointment two weeks ago and my visiting teachers – who I like very much – stayed for 1.5 hours knowing I had worked a full day and had my children clamoring for my attention.
Our lives are vastly different and I think open communication is the best process to solve many of the problems but it needs to be received and understood as well. Just the other night I very hesitantly approached my RS president – who I serve in the presidency with and talked to her about my struggles with Visiting Teaching. I expected a rebuke with similar thoughts as those expressed in the blog post and what I received was a very loving validation of my life circumstances, an agreement to remove me from the visit list – because I told her I knew without doubt that if my family ever needed the church and support of church members, they would be there but that I really, really don't need to be visited or feel guilty because I don't or can't make myself more available. I also will have a new list of sisters who are like me, similar to me and or who simply will accept a treat or a call or text but won't accept a visit due to inactivity or life circumstances.
Having completed VT interviews recently, I was humbled to hear sisters express that they really truly need and want a visit. I have never been that sister but I am sympathetic and empathetic to the fact that there are sisters who need visits and long talkative visits. I have one sister on my list and I know I am not meeting her need. She won't be on my list anymore – she may in fact be getting my visiting teachers and I believe all our needs will be met.
There are so many dynamics and we do just need to get it done but we also need to be sensitive to the needs, wants and expectations of the sisters we visit and when they are active sisters, we should not either dismiss their need for a visit because they are active or insist that they must have a visit despite their full activity and request/or comment that they truly are doing great and please "check me off the list." Often times at the heart of my struggle with being visited is both the fact that it takes time to be visited as well as being overwhelmed that I am just another very busy women's to do list, source of guilt or trigger for feelings of inadequacy.
I do believe in the program but often times struggle with how we execute it and wonder if there shouldn't be more training and/or thought in how it is organized not at a church level but at the individual ward level and I do think we should give active sisters the option to "opt out" of being taught while keeping them on a list of sisters that someone in the presidency is mindful and concerned with and who someone checks in on quarterly to ensure they are doing well and adjust their need to be visited as needed. I wonder if we reduced the shear number of visits with an "opt out" list and reduced visiting teaching to being a true missionary program within the less active and struggling members of the ward, if we wouldn't increase the overall quality of the program. I also believe that loneliness isn't typically cured by Visiting Teaching. I don't know what the answer is there; that is too complex.
This made interesting reading for me as I had been seriously having anxiety attacks over VT earlier this year. My anxiety has settled down somewhat and I do recognize what a huge job the RS president and VT coordinator have in organizing the whole danged thing but here's some of my issues: my companion is a Young mom who home schools a large brood. The four sister's we visit live in four corners of our fairly large ward boundaries. One sister also home schools and doesn't want visits, one mom works full time days, another is a nurse who works 12 hour shifts. It's all just so super crazy to coordinate. I am also out of town for long stretches. I don't feel a need for visiting teachers myself so have a fairly relaxed arrangement with mine – they usually call and we chat on the phone. I almost had a mind to opt out of the program – not to make visits of receive any but not sure if I can handle the possible judgment on that. I have a very minor calling in the ward because of the time we spend away.
Yes, yes, yes! A creative "visit" of service tailored to your sister's particular needs–like dropping off a cake or putting away groceries–can show far more love than a sit-down, scheduled appointment.
In the first weeks after my husband died, I was too shell-shocked to handle a sit-down "message." (I could scarcely answer the phone and string sentences together.) My VT texted to learn my then 14-yr-old's favorite cookies and later dropped off a warm plateful. It met my need for my daughter to see that someone from Church cared specifically for her much better than any "lesson" could have done.
This post has refreshed memories of Visiting Teaching highs and lows, starting with the reminder that–oh, yeah–Visiting Teachers are (supposed to be) assigned in companionships to better meet the needs of the sisters they serve. (It has been ten or fifteen years since I had an assigned companion.)
I've been blessed to visit sisters who've become friends and I've been challenged to visit sisters who wanted no contact. I've been assigned to sisters whose only possible schedule overlap was a time and place we both were anyway–just before or after Church services–and I've worked with sisters whose needs I couldn't have met even with twice-daily hour-long visits. Some women have wanted a quick, in-and-out delivery of "the message" and others have needed to share their thoughts and feelings for as long as it took.
Throughout my decades as a Relief Society sister I've been blessed by visiting teachers who've shown their love for me by Christlike ministrations–whether by service or visits in person, over the phone, by handwritten messages or transmitted texts–that met my needs at the time. When I was a young mom with a newborn and a hospitalized husband, one visiting teacher came over not to teach but to serve by cleaning my kitchen. While I appreciated the act itself, even more meaningful was what she said while elbow-deep in dish suds. "Don't worry about this little mess. I can tell you're a good housekeeper because your stove burners are so clean." (Mind you, there was nothing "little" about the mess, and if the burners were clean, they were the only things that were!) The charitable kindness of that Visiting Teacher's words has stayed with me more than 25 years.
I've also been challenged at times by "otherwise" VTs. One walked in my door and vented nonstop without ever asking about me, month after month. Another came just long enough to read the monthly message and leave–also without once asking about me. During my first 18 months as a widow I received a total of six visiting teaching contacts (including phone, text, Facebook, and face). At least twice in that time I was reassigned to new VTs but never heard from them. I have to admit, I wasn't a very good visiting teacher during that time, either.
Hildie, thanks for this post. It's prodded me to put a little more diligence into visiting the sisters assigned to me (especially since I have no companion to pick up my slack), and it's reminded me to be a little more charitable toward how others meet their assignments.
I first read this post days ago, but since then I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I certainly need work on my testimony of Visiting Teaching. I have seen great Visiting Teachers in action, and they inspire me. As a missionary I saw the enormous blessing that a good visiting teacher was in the lives of the less-active sisters. And I remember coming home from my mission and thinking I would be that kind of VT. But, I'm not always. I love some of the creative ideas that were mentioned in comments, and I'm inspired to think more creatively about how I can serve the sisters I teach.
My mom is the Stake RS president right now in my home stake (in CA). On Friday I was talking to her on the phone as she was heading out the door to go to a meeting with the General RS presidency. She asked if I had anything I wanted to pass on to them–questions/concerns that she could bring up with them, as she would have an opportunity to discuss things with them. My only thought was Visiting Teaching. It can be such a contrived experience, and obviously when Visiting Teaching is done "right" it doesn't need to be contrived, but it does seem that way at times, when you are assigned a person to love and befriend. I think of my own cute Visiting Teachers and how every time they come, they walk in, chat, share a message, and then leave, and that is the extent of our relationship. They have no idea that I desperately need a friend. My husband and I have been here 5 years and I have no real friends and I'm just super lonely. We often talk about moving just so I can be in a ward where I can have friends. It's what we pray and fast for. And yet these sweet sisters, who I really think are great and are my peers are only my friend for 30 minutes a month. It's hard to love Visiting Teaching when this is my current experience, but I want to. My takeaway is that I need to be more creative and pray for my sisters and be more than a 30 minute visit for them, when what they really need is something so different.
I really like Anonymous's comment about communicating effectively about VT for it to work well. I personally think we expect way too much from relief society in general and visiting teaching specifically.
It takes a lot of time and effort to form long-lasting relationships. VT started decades ago when wards were far less transient and it was possible to have the same visiting teacher for years. But even if you don't move yourself, most of us live in wards where there are people moving in and out and visiting teaching assignments have to be changed frequently. I think its role has changed because of that and it's reasonable to have new, realistic expectations instead of being constantly disappointed by the old ones.
I liked the perspective of one RS president I had. She didn't rely on the VTs to learn about problems in the ward, although it was nice when they did. She didn't rely on VTs to somehow know how to fix the problems of their sisters, although it was nice when they did. She didn't have unrealistic expectations about every sister having a friend in the ward, although some did because of VT. She didn't harp on everyone to visit every sister on their list every single month, although she loved it when sisters who needed it were visited regularly. She didn't expect visiting teachers to magically know when and how to help the women they were assigned to visit. Instead, she relied on VT to give specific help to sisters in the ward in times of need when they were asked to help.
Since I was the compassionate service leader in the ward, I would ask the visiting teachers to work with me to organize help for sisters in need. It didn't matter if the VTs didn't know the woman in need well (I was only in the ward for 8 months so I certainly didn't know anyone myself), or if they hadn't been the perfect VTs before. But the VTs were always willing and nearly always able to help their sister when she needed something specific. It also reduced some of the work of the RS because she could delegate a great deal of the compassionate service in the ward, and a bonus was that I wasn't overworked myself and was able to organize some ongoing community service instead of just focusing on the sisters in the ward.
Melanie, Hildie, my visiting teaching partner is really doing her best – her terrible schedule is due to a recent job change plus ongoing family needs. Also, four out of the six ladies we visit have been on her route – with whatever partner – for years, so although I'm tempted to just go by myself to a few of them, she's already built a strong relationship with them, and I wouldn't get in the way of that.
That's the frustrating part of all this – everyone is doing her best. And I don't see how it's ever going to be enough. We just have too many church assignments that have to be filled in the same limited hours.
Please check out this Book of Mormon blog at http://www.bookofmormonlit.com