Several years ago I encountered a transition in my faith. I’ve always identified as Mormon, but I realized in those months of moments of heaving breathing and endless fervent prayers to God, that my understanding and ownership of my faith could not return to its former shape. My mind unfurled an image coiled up in my brain since my former professor, and a current member of the Sunday School General Presidency, John S. Tanner, put it there more than a decade ago. Studying the Songs of Innocence and Experience by William Blake, Dr. Tanner explained the division of the poems and illustrations into two stages of life, the innocence of child-like love and the often growing pain-like cold reality of experience. Then drawing in the air with his finger, he pointed round in a circle, coming back to where he started and around again and again; life is not linear, but round; a spiral.
After innocence is gone, and experience has harrowed out naivete the ground is ripe for something new; the mind can embrace what it once could before, but in a new way. For Blake, this was a turn to Christ, a second innocence that sees as the first one could not, but chooses to embrace hope and love anyway.
I realized I was at a crossroads–what was I to do with my troubled soul, my questions and my answers? Should I wrap myself full-fledged around my new knowledge of church history, gospel understanding and want of more; or bury it in a furtive effort to return to my younger, simpler faith? I heard a question in my brain, What do you really want? I chose both, faith and facts, and began to spiral.
The spiral is an ancient symbol connected to progress and change. It spins and pulls all in, while still pushing onward–ever moving, ever flowing. Compressing and condensing down, circling around the heart of the matter.
When I caught the headline today in the NYT, I caught my heart in my throat, and a spiral again in my head. What do you really want? I want it all, everyone: those with facts and those with faith; feminine, feminist, agitators and aggregators, those who doubt and those who just believe, those who visit, and those that teach, those that fast and those who are fasted for, the blessers and the passers. The head, the heart, the eye, and the foot; we all belong together as the body of Christ, spiraling together, condensing into His perfect love that is the line that points the way we should go.
I ask for a second innocence, a turn to Christ; compassion and love. We may see what has brought these two members of our body to this tenuous point, and so many have already let go of child-like love. But can we not come around again? Can we choose the better part and not mire in another’s cold condition right now? Whatever your opinion, can we accept facts, but still choose faith in God to work through us with kindness and respect; and spiral toward each other in love?
My heart is still in my throat; a spiral, my hope.
How we can help support those who are working their way through their own spiral of faith and facts? How has someone helped you in your own?
I don't usually wear my feelings on my Facebook status. My passions? Yes. Calls to love? Yes. Today this hurt my heart. I also, in careless cases where i impulsively share to much or spark controversy, usually delete the thread as quickly as possible because I'm one to avoid needless conflict at almost any personal cost. I love the variety of feelings and beliefs among my friends and family. I love that you all feel safe sharing then with me. I've come to know over the last few years especially that I LOVE. I just want there to be more love and less pain on the world. I want people to open their eyes and their hearts, to honor the good in all of humanity. To notice the wounded souls and to serve them instead of judging them, to include them instead of pushing them away. As much as I've learned over the last few years to live in reality and let go of the illusion that I have control over my life and it's events or that a single formula perfected will effect a pain free existence full of happiness. As much as i have come to center myself in reality and surrender my illusions to God. I still find myself yearning for an existence so full of love and understanding. I want there to be room in my church for honest history, change, love, acceptance, equality, activism, etc. I want to let everyone in with a huge hug and some green jello. I yearn for God's love to envelop us all here and now. I yearn for that peace and love that some describe after their near death experiences where spirits communicate with each other with more senses than we have here in mortality. An existence where we can each feel the way our actions affect others. I hope that through lives experience we become more open and loving rather than more closed and narrow minded. I hope that our hearts can have capacity far greater than beurocratic lines. I hope that we each grow into harmony with the God (whatever we chose to call that source of light and wisdom) and that as we do so our words and actions will shine brightly with love that embraces all people and defeats the darkness that seems to be rising all around us. I hope that we can all feel that emense love and use it's strength that's within us to push back the darkness that leads to fighting over lines drawn by humans and lusts that lead to slavery. I've been accused in the past of always seeing the negative but lately the only way I find myself able to carry on is with hope that we'll each tap into that light within and use it to spread love.
The image of a spiral in which we're cycling our way up to God has always been powerful to me. Thank you for the added image of all of us spiraling toward one another and becoming entangled together in this moment. That is a comforting thought for me today.
Some of Dehlins work is what has brought me through my faith transition onto a more unshakeable foundation and kept me IN this church. What do I say to this?
Great way to articulate and think about the depth of faith. Beautiful. Thanks.
[…] “Spiral” […]
Oh Sandra, I feel exactly like you. Such a sad day for us all.
I am so sad and hurt. I want our church to include John Dehlin and Kate Kelly just as they are.
Very well expressed. Thank you, Sandra. I am a woman of both faith and reason. I feel like an amphibian on the good days and a cloth rent in two on the bad days. This week, i am thinking of Elder Ballard's 1994 talk about the value of councils moving ideas up in addition to top-down communication.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng&query=counseling+with+councils
And Elder Uchdorf's October 2013 talk about respecting doubt but also nurturing faith:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/come-join-with-us?lang=eng
I have limited perspective and very small stewardships. But I can (in Voltaire's character Candide's words) cultivate my own garden. By this I mean that I will try my best to make careful judgments and to find balance as I negotiate between many tensions in my life. And I can give others the benefit of the doubt and offer compassion as they struggle to negotiate through these and many other tensions.
Thank you Sandra. This is beautiful and powerful.
I am not a member of or subscriber to either John or Kate's groups, but I have felt so shaken, lost, and afraid these past 24 hours. My mantra that I repeated over and over to myself when I previously saw hateful or heated discussion on facebook about these people or their ideas was "There is room for all of us here." But the actions of yesterday make it clear that, no, there is NOT room for all of us. And if there is not room for Kate or John with their big ideas and different views of how the world could be, it makes me question whether there is room enough for me. I have spiraled into a faith crisis all over again, and I can only pray that I complete the cycle, moving forward, inward, upward, to again find a place of peace and love and understanding.
Thank you everyone for your comments and sharing as a community that is struggling today.
Kristine A- I found many of his interviews to be helpful for me too. I don't know what to say, so I'm doing the only thing I know right now: looking toward love, embracing and recognizing good and praying for all else to sort out. I don't have answers, but always hope.
Lindsay- There is always enough room. President Utchdorf's words have brought me so much hope that that message is not lost, but resurfaces. I don't know how things will play out, but if the central feature of the gospel is Christ, then it also is love, and that love, like God is infinite and eternal. We all belong together in that love.
"I am a woman of both faith and reason." Marvelously put, Karen. Thank you. May I use that?
(I also live in the Austin area.)
[…] I echo Sandra’s call to love and compassion in her “Spiral” post last Thursday. While my first instinct is heartbreak at such news, because it feels like […]