This past Sunday, I went to church for the first time in 15 months. I was eager to congregate with my fellow saints. However, I was uncomfortable most of the time. I won’t say that church services require the faith of snake handlers, but I did experience some anxiety that I don’t think should be absent in order to be truly devout.
I had the good fortune of teaching online from March 2020 through May 2021, so I have only been around my husband and my grown son for most of that time. I also teach classes in the school of nursing and the health professions, including units on SARS-CoV-2 spread within nursing homes. Consequently, I have read several studies in medical journals about the risk of transmission, including going to restaurants, gyms, and choir practice.
The science tells me that the vaccines are not 100% effective, so it’s reasonable for people to wear masks indoors and to avoid activities where people are exhaling forcefully. I am not just avoiding crowds of people who sing. I am not rejoining the YMCA until vaccination rates locally become much higher and rates of cases, hospitalizations and deaths locally fall further.
Some people have dismissed me as being too fearful. I agree that an argument can be made for that. However, as I sat through Sacrament meeting, I decided that I need to resume my activities gradually in order to protect my physical and mental health.
First off, I am going to come only for the passing of the sacrament for a time.
Our state has only reached 34% vaccination rate, and our ward has a lot of children, so the rate of vaccination is probably much lower than 34%. Also, many people were either not wearing masks or their masks were slipping below their noses.
Again, the singing bothers me in part because I worry not just about myself, but more so for those who are not vaccinated. The unvaccinated might become exposed to the virus, particularly the primary children who don’t understand high-risk behavior. Even if children remain asymptomatic, they can carry the virus to others, including those who are immuno-compromised (transplant recipients, those who have undergone chemotherapy, etc). Again, the risk of transmission is small, but it is still a risk since the virus is still circulating.
Because my family members and I are vaccinated, I am probably safe from transmission. This is where I need to practice a bit of faith balanced with reason. But again, I feel as though I can afford myself some time to slowly acclimate to being in public again. Baby steps. I find that I get overstimulated in crowds after so many months of relative isolation.
I do find that stepping away from church services has giving me a lot of opportunity to evaluate what is essential and what is frivolous about practicing my faith. For decades, I have focused more on the social element of church. I was quite extraverted in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. Between my children becoming adults and the pandemic, I am finding that quiet contemplation or one-on-one ministering invites spiritual growth more than a lot of socializing at church.
In any case, I hope that we can afford each other some grace as we all find our own paths through the current state of the pandemic–country by country, region by region, ward by ward, pew by pew, and saint by saint.
We also returned for the first time in 15 months this Sunday because my son was speaking for his missionary farewell talk. It felt surprisingly safe and masked for Utah. Then that night we received an email that the ward is returning to pre-Covid normalcy and now I'm unsure if I can join again. We are vaccinated but have concerns as you expressed above. I loved what someone commented on a Facebook post: "I still have faith, but my hope and charity are in crisis mode!"
ACW: Thanks for reading / commenting. Oh, I like that faith, hope, and charity quote. I know that I have a lot of work to do in applying gospel concepts during this pandemic. I can't even imagine how hard it was for women living in London during the bombing campaigns. That was even harder than this situation, and I'm being stretched. All my best, acw, to you and yours during these months of the (hopefully) waning pandemic.
I felt anxiety my first time back with the full congregation and I have been around people at work for several months now! Just not that many people. I went again last week and it was much better but next week second hour is being added in and mask requirements are being lifted so I’m sure the anxiety will be back. I’m fully vaccinated but my youngest three kids are not and we’d like them to continue the mask wearing but I am pretty sure they will be the only kids in primary an ym that are.
You have drunk the Democrat Kool-Aid. I cannot believe that there is that much fear still going on, and you're vaccinated. And you're in the medical field spouting false statements. For goodness sake you should just stay home and live in fear and let the rest of us LIVE. Your phobia's are unjustified. This whole "pandemic" was way overblown. And good luck with the "vaccine" that is not FDA approved, we have NO IDEA what the long term side effects are. You should pray and have hope and faith that this experimental vaccine does not do more harm than good.
AJSJOG: All my best to you as you ease back into social settings like church. It's a period of adjustment. I am extremely social by nature; however, I spent 15 months training myself to avoid crowds. Now I have to reverse course, and it's going to take me a while to make the switch. May you and yours be blessed with every needful thing.
F. Gammon: You make some good points. However, I wouldn't say my hesitation is borne out of politics; it's grounded in my anxiety disorder. Luckily, you are keenly aware that evidence-based medicine in the fields of psychology and psychiatry demonstrate that mocking and belittling people is the best method for transforming attitudes and behavior. Thank you for the gifts of your time and attention.