As I knocked on the peeling front door, an old fat dog pushed against my knee, wagging his stump of a tail, waiting with me for permission to enter.
“Shirley?” I called, “It’s Lisa from Meals on Wheels. Can I come in?”
A querulous voice responded, “Yes, yes, come in.”
I pushed open the door, followed the dog inside and greeted Shirley, who was rolling toward me in her wheelchair. She was new to my route, but I felt like I’d been here dozens of times before. She wasn’t the first old woman I’d met with four or five teeth, wisps of unkempt gray hair and stained clothing, living in a smelly house packed to the rotting rafters with the accumulated stuff of a long life. Even the fat old dog was familiar.
“How are you doing?” I asked, alert to needs she might have that I could address.
Shirley grinned up at me with those few teeth, as she cleared a small space on the table so I could put her meal down. With an unmistakable light of joy in her eyes, she cheerily replied, “Can’t complain.”
Can’t complain? How could she live like this and not complain? I would complain. Maybe moan a little. Whine some. Grumble. Rail a bit. Sigh a lot. Really? Can’t complain? Who wouldn’t complain?
Shirley is a happy person. I, exasperatingly–well, not so much. It just doesn’t seem to be my “natural woman” state. But I am often in tune with a deep soul-joy that is rooted in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Happy, though? That’s something different, ever elusive.
I had my brain mapped recently by a neuroscientist. I was not surprised to learn that the right side of my brain (the depressive, negative side) is stronger and more developed than my left (the confident, productive part.) It should be; it gets a lot of practice. My natural reaction to any stressor is negativity. How much brain chemistry is related to depression, I can’t say, but I’ve certainly become adept at slipping effortlessly into that rutted, downward spiral of negative thought.
However, my “alpha centers” were also very strong, that part of the brain that registers deep peace, the zen-like feeling you get from practicing lots of deep prayer and meditation. I’m very fond of my alpha-brain-bits; I suspect my eternal spirit is somehow associated with those centers because I do experience real connection with the Divine.
And I can’t complain then, during those timeless, alpha moments. I mean, I really can’t, even if it occurred to me to want to. “All is well.” That’s the spiritual knowing I have when I’m in contact with God.
So, what is the difference between this kind of soul-nourishing joy and simple happiness? Why is happiness so elusive for me and yet I can access this deep spiritual joy? Is one experience preferable over the other? Are either necessary to our salvation? Is happiness simply a matter of choice or is it about lucky genes? Or habits of thought? Premortal experience? Life circumstance? Can we really control our own level of happiness? How?
This is the point in the post where I’m supposed to offer up some profound truth so you can move forward all enlightened and inspired. Well, I am loathe to inform you that I don’t know any more than you do. I’m still living the questions. So, since I am empty of profundity or answers regarding this universal pursuit of happiness (or is it joy we’re after?) I’ll just leave the questions here for you to tackle.
And I sincerely wish you much joy and happiness today.
I do think it's a choice…but some people make it more easily from their natural disposition.
The more negative reactions to life are ingrained in my family, and somewhat in me, but I have been working at choosing happiness for awhile now ad it is working. I had to retrain my thought patterns and natural reactions.
I still slip into that familiar pattern sometimes, but now I recognize it and can name it and isolate it and reject it and choose another method of behavior.
This post was so well-written. Thank you. And thanks for your good work of serving others.
Lisa G., The Right Side of the brain can really be harnessed in great ways. I have heard that when people are engaged in artistic work such as drawing that they can lose all track of time.
While I have had times in my life where I have been very depressed, I am grateful that I have had feelings of well-being much of my life including the present(unless I am in a situation where I feel there is danger and as such I avoid going places due to ocd and avoid having company etc).
So I feel blessed that I can take pleasure in the little things. Learning triggers that happy place for me. Writing must give you some pleasure and like me, it probably helps you cope.
When someone says "I can't complain and if I did nobody would listen." I let them know that I am listening. I know it's just a saying, but I believe we need to listen to other people complain. We also need to listen to people talk about their blessings tooo.
While I was very bottled up as a youth and often don't want to burden friends with problems to this day(have my mom to talk things with now that I'm not all bottled up), I have never been stoic when it comes to physical pain. It is fortunate that I have had so little physical pain in my life and can probably go weeks without even a dull pain or maybe longer. So I do count my blessings and am also humbled by those with physical pain.
We have been counseled that we are not always going to be happy in this life so don't get down on yourself if you don't always feel well-being. I know I am wordy. I often hold back in my comments as I know I can readily expound. You struck a chord.
I hope you can be aware of that which makes you happy now and find that which will bring you happiness in the future.
I just happened to read the rules for comments here. I hope that I have not been guilty in the present or past of excessive threadjack. I get in a mode sometimes where I will say things that aren't exactly relevant but I think they are appropriate. Later, I wonder what I was thinking and what people must think of me. Some things are habitual things and I am hoping to change that habit. Did I mention that I like commenting at blogs. It brings me happiness as you can not only read what a person says but also comment and let them know you liked it and maybe add your 2 cents or more. I do feel an affinity with a lot of people at Segullah and hope nobody would be insulted as I see ways that I think like them as I can be odd at times. But this place gives me a sense of well-being.(serious about that)
To show how much I have liked Segullah before this blog even existed, I am posting a comment that I made on an LDS Forum in 2005. I know I may be guilty of breaking rules of not being relevant. But when you read it, you will see that it fits with pursuit of happiness. Again, this was prior to this blog as it was a Literary Journal only at this point. But I love the blog too.
I hope this is the right heading to make mention of this wonderful new site. Segullah.org is a new women's literary journal where women share real experiences. They also allow submissions of art work and poetry as well and I think of essays as well.
They are having an essay contest that ends December 2005 for topics relevant to their mission statement.
Every article that I have read so far has uplifted me when I was sinking a tad. They celebrate womanhood and living a faithful LDS life. They also celebrate diversity. The writing is personal and often poignant. The themes are universal enough that I think all women can identify who are members. I would think men would enjoy this site too. Maybe we should post a women only sign though and make it more "our special place." Oh, that would be too mean. If they can glean a few pearls there too, I would not want to deprive them.
Check it out soon. It is as much a treat as a warm bath, a bowel of ice cream with whip cream and a cherry on top, a walk through the park, or a hug from a cherished friend.
I like your comments, Barb. I think long comments are welome here!
Barb, as I blog editor. I'll assure you that you are more than welcome!
Lisa, your writing is a gift to all of us.
Happiness by nature and/or nurture is easier for some than others– so I don't believe that someone naturally depressive should beat themselves up. As religious women we tend to feel like we are sinning if we aren't grinning. We each need to seek joy, but God understands that it's harder for some.
Thank you Michelle and Sage. That means a lot!
I think Shirley is happy because she is older and has been through so much that she has learned to appreciate the simple joys of life. That's how it seems to work. I've noticed it with myself. I've seen too much, not to be happy. I'm not a bald cancer patient shuffling down the hall of a hospital holding on to an IV pole. I'm not bed ridden with a broken hip. I'm not childless and living all alone. Yet, I'm aware of that all around me. Aging changes perspective.
You are an excellent writer, Lisa.
"Why is happiness so elusive for me and yet I can access this deep spiritual joy?"
I don't know the answer to this question but I've been thinking about similar stuff–what causes us to take the particular view or angle on life we each do? Does it have to do with the way we were raised? Genetics? I used to harbor some grudges toward my parents for things I felt they could have/should have done differently, as if their changing would have made some things easier for me in my life. Maybe it would have been that way, maybe not. As a parent I look at each of my kids, realizing that even though they got the same flawed mother, they've each taken it a little differently. I now think these individual things–the circumstances, the particular brain chemistry we have–whether it is an accurate portrayal of our true selves or something we have to slog through in mortality only–are all part of our personalized plans for progression. I don't think the particulars in our lives matter all that much really, just that we can overcome and grow from them if we cling to the Savior. I realize this is hardly an earth-shattering truth for anyone in the Church but that is what my epiphany lately has been. It doesn't matter who we are, where we've been or what we've done. If we turn to Jesus Christ he has the power to bring us to the measure of our creation–ironing out our particular flaws and strengthening our particular strengths, helping us become more like him. Simple doctrine but profound results.
I have no answers. I just wanted to tell you, Lisa, how much I appreciate your post today.
Thank you, Lisa, for so beautifully exploring a distinction I had never before considered–"soul-nourishing joy and simple happiness." Thank you for your thought-provoking questions.
I can relate so much to this post, and Sage's response reflects almost to a T where I am and what I'm trying to do. Working against the forces of both nature and nurture (=the fall) in my life in this way is hard work, but it does work, line upon line. Moroni 7:11-19 has become my guidepost in that process as I am learning to test and challenge thoughts and retrain my brain and let the Atonement work on me. I imagine it will be something I will have to work on for all of my life. (I do think some people have natural gifts for being able to be "happy"; I'm not one of them.)
I don't always even know how to go from the negative thought patterns to something else, but even the process of learning to, as Sage says, "recognize it and can name it and isolate it and reject it" brings its own kind of peace and joy…at least as I'm willing to be patient with myself in the process of becoming.
A book that helped me is Weakness is not Sin by Wendy Ulrich.
I know exactly what you mean. It actually makes me feel guilty when I don't feel as happy as I should, since I know the gospel is true and it brings great joy to my life. I think it is just part of mortality we need to endure. All we can do is keep going with as much faith and gratitude as we can.
mormonwookiee.com
I can relate to this post so very well.
I had a great conversation with a dear friend about this very topic–something that we both struggle with. She served a mission, I didn't, so I was really interested when she made an observation in her self-reflection.
She connected her fervent mindfulness on her mission to put certain things out of her mind (boyfriend, homesickness, whatever things may hinder a missionaries' effectiveness) and the success she had in that endeavor to something that maybe she could try better to harness now as a grown woman who struggles with "I'll be happy when…"
I don't know I'm articulating this very well. But I guess that I walked away from that conversation feeling like maybe I should do an experiment of my own wherein during the busy-ness of my day as a mother, grad student, college instructor, primary president (etc. we all have our busy things) I fervently put forth a mindful effort to squelch my negatively spiraling thoughts and replace them with something more positive: either looking for the "bright side" of things, or replacing them with thoughts of gratitude, or physically forcing myself to smile (even if it makes me look idiotic).
I think my experiment lasted a few days, and then I forgot and slipped back into old habits. But I think it's possible for me, if I really am mindful about it, to develop a more positive, cheerful, happy outlook.
This is such a great post… and seriously? You had your brain mapped? Do want.
Thank you for this post and for the questions. You really got me thinking.
Barb – I certainly hope Segullah doesn't kick the boys out…this happens to consistently be my favorite bloggernacle blog.
I echo Sage's first comment, there is something very powerful about learning to "name it and isolate it and reject it and choose another method of behavior". It reminds me what I liked most when I read material from Eckhart Tolle. He writes from the perspective of a man who, according to his own description, used to suffer from severe depression and anxiety, such that he almost took his own life (he may have even tried, I don't recall). I won't bother to recite the entire essence of his "awakening", but part of it could be summarized by what Sage wrote.
For me it describes the difference between feeling unhappy, and being unhappy. Feeling unhappy sounds, by it's very nature, short term/passing/fleeting. Being unhappy is an identity, it sounds permanent. It would seem to me, that the ability to identify unhappy feelings, isolate them, and choose another behavior and move on is exactly what makes them fleeting and not part of your identity (I worry any time that I or others identify with something other than our true nature… identity is a powerful thing and something we are constantly choosing). I hope that makes sense…I'm trying to be succinct and in so doing risk not making the point clearly.
In answer to some of your questions, I would say that I rate deep spiritual joy as preferable to happiness. Happiness is one of those words that suggests it's dependent on circumstance (which is why it was easy to be baffled by the woman you served). As for "can we control our happiness?" My personal answer is yes, but sometimes I wonder if that's because I'm one of the lucky ones. So maybe I'll answer the question with a different but related situation.
Going back to the concept of the power of identity…is it possible that you or others identify with *being* unhappy? How much of your life have you told yourself (or has someone told you) that happiness is not your "natural state", something you're just not good at? Is your right brain stronger because of that identification, or has your right brain always been that way which leads to that identification? I guess we don't really know. I certainly haven't walked in anyone's shoes but my own (I'm a self identified happy person, who also realizes it is something I am constantly choosing)
But what would you say to the person who tends to get angry easily and dismisses that with some statement of identity like "Oh I've just got a short fuse", or "That's just how my family is…it's in my genes", or "my mom always said I was the grumpiest child". As true as that may be, I think many of us would recognize that type of identity becomes permission to continue. What if that person more strongly identified with their divine nature…realized it was incumbent upon them to learn the finer points of Christ's love and patience, long suffering and kindness…and realized no matter what their upbringing or predisposition, they can change (even if it's one teeny tiny little step at a time and it takes a lifetime to blossom). The only reason change is even possible, is that in that particular scenario we are willing to stop identifying with the "natural self" that says we can't, we aren't, and we never will be…and we come to identify more strongly with the true nature that is deep within us and revealed through the atonement and literal at-one-ment of Christ…we take on HIS identity and begin to develop HIS thoughts, actions, and even…feelings/happiness.
Sorry for the long post…the good news is you really got me thinking. One final thing, I hope nothing I said is offensive in any way, shape or form to anyone struggling to feel more happiness. That's the last thing I would have wanted and hope my comments can be seen in their kindest light. I believe we are all capable of growth, and that growth is what matters most (not how tall we grow, but that we grow at all).
Finally, amen to Michelle! I too love Moroni 7:11-19 and have been using it as my own guidepost for some time.
What great thoughts and perspectives! Thanks to all of you for sharing. Yes, I do best when I am consistently mindful ("The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle was a tremendous help). No matter our genetic challenges, the power of agency trumps all. I appreciate dannyk's warning that we ought not identify our Selves with any particular personal trait or tendency. To remember who we are — and then to simply BE who we are — is all we need to do. It's a powerful paradox that the greatest growth happens not through anything we do, but rather, how often and how clearly we can simply BE the eternal, divine, perfect souls that we are,that we have always been. I always think of Jesus, the great I AM, when I start stewing about doing. Questions of happiness become moot when we remember to simply BE.
I appreciate your contributions. All joy be yours!
Thanks Lisa, I'm glad you said it more succinctly than I did. It's all about learning to BE who we already ARE.
Dannyk, I like what you wrote. I have often thought of how important it is for me personally to take on the name of Christ in a literal way. I used to say to my daughter, "do you want to be a witch or a princess?". That helped her identify which behavior to choose.
And my brother used to say, "You're a ***" (my maiden name), when we acted in a proud way (family trait). That identfication bothered me. I didn't want to be stuck with that trait because of who I was. This did make the concept of taking on the name of Christ so much more powerful and appealing.
For me, too, joy is the characteristic I most prize from my association with my Savior. I am happy, most of the time now, but I spent years feeling its elusiveness. But joy and peace can remain even during times of apparent unhappiness. I try to choose happiness, though, too.
Wise words by Lisa G. I do want to say that some people are able to learn more optimistic types of thinking. I know my teacher from high school(and she was also my 8th grade religion teacher) said she made a concerted effort to compliment once each day. Sometimes it wasn't easy and she woke a child up to tell them how good they did brushing their teeth. But she also said that people that aren't as optimistic may be more prepared for a crises. I like to think we balance each other out with our different modes. But we never want to identify ourselves too strongly for a variety of reasons including the need to express ourselves honestly whether we are feeling up or down.