“Who’s dat?” My two-year-old points to the painting of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife by Del Parson. We’re trying desperately to stick to our no-activities-or-snacks-until-after-the-sacrament rule, but the Gospel Art Book from the Distribution Center is fair game. “What they’re doing?”
“That’s Potiphar’s wife,” I whisper back, “and that’s Joseph. She’s trying to touch his body and he doesn’t want her to, so he is running away.”
Last year many women’s accounts of sexual violence at the hands of powerful men were finally heard. In the wake of #MeToo, it’s…interesting, to say the least, to read this Biblical story with gender roles turned on their heads. A wealthy and privileged woman makes advances against a subordinate man; he resists, and then her report of what transpired is believed over his. He is criminalized while she retains her power, privilege, and position.
I’ve always wondered what nuances of the story we’re not getting in the 500-something-word Genesis account. What was the status of Egyptian women at the time? What was the relationship like between Potiphar and his wife?
Regardless, I decide to incorporate Joseph and Potiphar’s wife into FHE the next day. We reiterate our familiar discussion of private parts, who is not allowed to touch or look at them, and “you are the boss of your own body.” I tell my son to follow Joseph’s example: if someone tries to touch your body in a way you don’t like, tell them to stop and run away.
We’ve been emphasizing body autonomy to our kids’ grandparents: our boys get to decide whether or not they want to give hugs, be tickled, etc. I was pleasantly surprised the other day when I overheard my stepmom with my son: “Come give Grandma a hug—” she started to say, then corrected herself— “or maybe just a high five. You choose.”
My two-year-old became a three-year-old last week, and we’re still doing our best to teach consent: giving him autonomy over his own body and giving him as many choices as we can, teaching him not to hug or touch his friends or playmates without their permission. He knows correct anatomical terms for the parts of his body, and we are a “no-secrets” family. I carefully vet, pray about, and even fast about the caregivers and babysitters we choose, and I explain to each one our body safety rules. We have frequent discussions (at his level, of course) about private parts and consent, and I am bracing myself for more in-depth conversations as he grows older.
I’m doing everything I know to do to protect my children from would-be predators, but what about my son who just turned one? How do you teach a kid who can’t even walk yet to run away? He only communicates using a handful of words (Mama, Dada, and his favorite animal noises), so how would I ever know if someone harmed him?
Are all my efforts and precautions enough? Am I doing everything I need to do to keep my kids safe? Sometimes I feel crazy and wonder if all parents feel this paranoid about protecting their children; but then again, I doubt there are many moms who don’t share these worries.
How do you teach your kids, big and small, about consent? Was this something your parents taught you? How have these conversations gotten easier or more difficult as your children have gotten older?
Sounds like you're doing a great job. As a grandparent, I agree with your "training" — kids should not have to kiss Aunt Lou or hug Grandpa if they don't want to. I do get a sense of underlying fear from your post, though, that makes me wonder how we ought to balance personal safety training to protect from the rare predator with the equally important training to be open and loving toward all. It makes me sad that a kind teacher has to think twice about hugging a hurting child, or that a hurting child might be confused about how to get the physical comfort she needs in a time of pain. Some people are natural huggers (like me) and some are not, but we all need healthy touch. Finding the right balance between physical safety (creepy touching) and emotional security (healthy touching) is a delicate path.
Kimberly, what a good job you are doing! I think of what might have been different for me if these talks would have been part of my childhood.
I recently had to watch the Boy Scouts Youth Protection training and was so impressed. I recommend to all adults and kids who are over 8 years old. I think anyone can watch by going to my.scouting.org. It talks about grooming, about 2 deep leadership, and gave vignettes, discussing safe boundaries.
Keep up the good mama-ing!
From the time they are tiny, children can be taught to walk away if something does not feel right and to find an adult (or a different adult). With a baby, all you can do is find someone you can trust 100%. I don't think things are really that much worse these days, but I think there is more in the news and it is communicated much more freely. This is good in some ways but makes us feel more afraid in others. You are doing the best you can and have started as early as possible. Be alert and confident. Hopefully your children will never need the training they have received, but they are forearmed, and that is always best.
I admit I do have an underlying sense of fear surrounding this issue, borne of sad experience in my own life and in the lives of close family and friends. You are absolutely right that healthy touch is vital for kids. But children’s natural need for affection makes kids who are lonely or hurting even more vulnerable to abuse, which is why education is so important. Unfortunately, predators are not as rare as we’d like to believe; 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by age 18, almost always by someone the victim knows and trusts.
You sound like a wonderful kid mentor. I think that a teacher giving a child a comforting hug is the best thing in the world, as long as the child knows he/she has a choice and feels bold enough to refuse if not. If we empower kids on the little things (like letting them choose if and when they want a hug) they will feel more empowered on the big things (like speaking up and getting help when someone is touching them in a way that makes them uncomfortable). Thank you so much for your comment, Lisa. It’s obvious that you are a person who loves children and cares about them very deeply.
Thank you so much, Shari. This business of raising small humans is no joke! 🙂 I was a Cub Scout leader for two years and had to certify periodically with Youth Protection Training too, and it really is a great resource! PCAUtah.org also has great informative articles and a free online course that I would recommend to anyone.
I think you’re right; this isn’t a new problem, but we are finally breaking the generational silence around it. Thank you for your comment, JP.