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By Natalie

BUT FIRST: Frankie is getting baptized March 15. Just thought you’d like to be the first to know (besides the missionaries).

I must admit that I was really nervous about posting at Segullah. I stressed over every post ”“ even the last one, which I’d written a month before and really loved. The first two posts were an experiment in “know your audience” and “it’s an LDS blog, so I better do something churchy.” So for this last one, I thought, I’ll just do a typical Millie post ”“ kind of hodge-podgey and strange, but more “me” than the first two posts were.

So”¦ what to talk about”¦

Here’s something: Do you ever second-guess really un-do-over-able decisions, like what you named your children? The Minions That Screw With My Head (a.k.a. The MTSWMHs) were having their way with me one day last week, in the shower, of all places. “Maybe I should have agreed to name Child #5 after my husband’s maiden aunt Gert, who will never have children of her own,” I pondered as I dried myself off. I mean, really, what a stupid thing for them to bug me about ”“ but it worked for a few minutes.

I actually wasted precious moments of my BATHROOM TIME considering ”“ briefly ”“ the idea of discussing it with my husband, who would have assured me that “Gert” is still not our favorite name. Too, he would have reminded me how much I resented his grandmother for even suggesting it (just as I have with all of her unsolicited advice, of which there has been much).

We had our reasons for not taking her up on her “I think it would be nice if you [jumped through yet another hoop for me]” suggestion. None of our other kids are named after anyone but their grandparents. Our sweet #5 should suffer with a name like “Gert” for the rest of her life, and the rest of the aunts and uncles, now and forever namesake-less where our family is concerned, should be snubbed? More selfishly, are we our Aunt Gert’s horrible name-keeper?

The Minions struck back with, “You should bend over backwards to please poor Aunt Gert, who will never procreate in this life. You should go to court and have all your kids’ names changed to family names, as per Grandma’s demand. You should be thinner. You should be less judgmental. You should be this. You should be that. You, personally, should right every wrong ever committed and make up for every failing of humankind. And your mini-blinds are dirty, you big lazy slob”¦”

I’m glad I’m the one with the body, but once in a while, I kind of wish they had mouths I could slap.

About Natalie

Natalie was born in the summer of her twenty-seventh year, coming home to a place she'd never been before. When she realized she was married and had two kids, she drowned herself in genealogy and never looked back. Having given birth to three more children (but still ignorant about "what causes that"), she finds herself a blogger... Natalie lives in the Northwest and loves her husband's hot legs, baking anything with "chocolate" in its name, and the occasional blue sky.

21 thoughts on “Typical”

  1. The never ending story I get from my minions is " you should have been a better mother when your kids were younger." Well, along with the make up for every failing of humankind but especially your own refrain. Sometimes I really wish they'd come down with a bad case of laryngitis and just give me a break.

    That's so great about *Frankie!

    (*not her real name)

    Thanks for sharing your accidental missionary story–and all the rest–with us.

  2. The interesting thing about minions is how well they know us. Mine know they wouldn't get very far with tempting me to gamble or drink the vanilla extract in my cupboard, but when it comes to discouragement or distraction or "you're not doing it right," they usually have the upper hand.

    It's nice to even know they exist, though. That's half the battle, seems to me.

  3. I don't call them minions. I call it the jingle channel, because I am well aware that the one running the jingle channel is me. So, while I might not be able to slap them down physically, I can talk back to them. And the first thing I would take out of the mix is the imperative should. Just press delete and edit that word out.

    Yes, it would have been nice to name #5 whatever, but it is so much better to name #5 something that won't cause lifelong distress. It would be nice to please grandma, but what a tease she is to keep making suggestions she doesn't expect anyone to take.

    It might take a while but over time those minions or the jingle channel will start playing a different tune.

  4. Keep in mind that I am writing this after reading your feelings, interesting how we can see the light through the darkness in other people's lives…

    I think we don't take enough time to be "Grateful" for the minions. I 'm pretty sure when I'm already feeling sorry for myself, being lazy, or beating myself up for not being perfect or having perfect kids, they just sit by and smile.

    They only really bug me when I'm having some sort of day or moment of joy and peace. I definitely hear from them on a day I am feeling like I'm actually an okay mom. My kids have actually said please or thank you in public, or actually stayed by the cart in the grocery store. Oh but wait {minions "I didn't say the right thing, if only I looked like her…"

    I think it's a reminder to us that there is definitely an army working to bring us down. We stay away from many evils of the world, but we must always remember that everything good comes from God. If our minions can make us feel like lowly earth scumb, we will accomplish their goals for the day. If we will forget what we truly are, then we will not act like children of God, and therefore experiences like Frankie will be few and far between.

  5. {I forgot my "sum it up" statement}
    I am grateful for the times the minions are near, because it means I have been feeling joy or happiness in my life, and without opposition those feelings would be meaningless.

  6. Due to this post's touchy subject matter, I was forced to fictionalize it slightly. We were approached about naming #5 after a childless family member, by another family member (who recently told me, even though I've been a homemaker for sixteen years and have three more children than he/she had, that if I did one load of laundry a day I'd be caught up, and not the Laundry Loser I currently am – this is the kind of advice I hear regularly). It was well-intended but this family member obviously doesn't know me well enough to know this: HE/SHE SHOULDN'T SUGGEST STUFF.

    I'm already insecure enough without having him/her try to advise me on every single decision of my life. There are quite a few people whose unsolicited advice I actually welcome, but he/she is not one of them because it just never seems to shut off. It's like having the fountain of knowledge try to flood your tiny little house. GAHHHH!

    So. If it had been anyone else, it might have flown with me. The name itself was not horrible, but it still would have been unfair to other family members to single this person out. I could have handled this person's suggestion more kindly than by saying to hubby, when he brought it up, "NO WAY" – I think that's what I said. I might even have considered it, and then said "no" instead of just blindly going off. Does anyone else have that kind of relationship with a family member? Am I the only messed-up one here?

    The Minions know what a over-the-top guilty conscience I have and use that fact accordingly.

  7. P.S. I'm even more insecure when I'm pregnant.

    P.P.S. This person has tried to advise us on the naming of our children before, reacting negatively at hearing one child's name to the point that Hubby and I swore we would never again divulge an in-utero kid's name, until he was out of utero. So when Family Member came up with this idea, please understand, there was a precedent of "family name issues."

    P.P.P.S. Did I mention I'm wildly insecure?

  8. …are we our Aunt Gert’s horrible name-keeper?
    This is what you should tell yourself when they come up with advice/requests or whatever.
    All your kids have lovely names and you know it 😉

  9. I agree, I love all their names! Most people hate our kids names, my grandma especially, but when you pick an odd name, who doesn't? I think your kids names are VERY cute and classy, I've always thought that.

  10. When my minions get rockin', I often ask myself, "Would I talk this way to one of my friends? Then why am I treating myself this way?"

    Then I tell them to shut up, and I go get some oreos.

  11. My friend has this great saying; I can't remember if I've shared it with you:

    "Acid off a duck's back."

    It means to let things roll off your back like acid off a duck's back. I'm not sure if acid would necessarily roll off a duck's back and I'm too kind-hearted to try it, but I love the saying nonetheless.

  12. Ah…now I am picturing some poor duck with half of its feathers burned off by acid…not a pretty picture.

    Wouldn't it be nice if there were some kind of minion conference and we could all get a break at the same time? I mean besides that 1000 year conference that is the Millenium.

    Congratulations to Frankie by the way! That is AWESOME!

  13. My minions bug me about different things on different days. I wish they were more consistent.
    Some days they bug me about my parenting, other about my housework, and others about my outside-the-home work. If they could just pick one thing, I could deal with them more efficiently. But they say thing that are diametrically opposed, and that really makes me nutty.
    I'm with Claudia. I'm allll about not 'shoulding' all over myself. 😉

  14. My minions were schooled at the very exclusive and elite Guilt Trip Academy and they all graduated magna cuma laude.

    The problem with minions is that you feel bad about so many different things that you get overwhelmed and don't know where to start to make things better sooooo…….you end up doing nothing.

  15. Oh my goodness. I didn't even know minions existed. Now you've given me a name to that previously unnamed ominous voice in the back of my head.

    I think I'm going to try Heather O.'s advice and tell the minions to be quiet and go eat some oreos. MMMMM. Oreos! I love them.

    I'm so excited for your friend getting baptized.


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